Iolayne
Iolayne flipped the envelope over, eyeing it suspiciously. She toyed around with it, placing it on the desk before her, putting it back into the drawer, but in the end held it at her eyes height once more.
Minutes lapsed before she carefully opened the envelope, long black nail easily cutting through the glue. Several pieces of thin paper escaped their enclosure, each filled with tiny black letters.
Iola’s hand shook; the handwriting was so very, very familiar…
Frustration overwhelmed her, nails dug deep into her palms. Why couldn’t she just read the letter and get it over with it? Or just throw it away? She knew what it contained, she knew very well. What was done was done, nothing could change that. No words could soothe her, no words could-
Nothing could give her her life back.
Iola folded the piece of paper and looked at it once more, her face emotionless. She hesitated before beginning to systematically tear the pages into pieces, one by one, all twelve of them, stacking the bits into neat columns. She didn’t hurry – she had plenty of time.
An eternity of time.
She frowned as goosebumps appeared on her milky white arms. Shivering, she realized she was cold.
Cold? She was rarely cold these days, no matter what the temperature was.
Iolayne glanced up, furrowing her brows – the window was open, letting a chilly night breeze into her small room. She stood up and made a move as if to close it, but stopped.
What was that?
Something was out there? Or did she just imagine it? She stiffened, narrowing her eyes. Iola hissed into the night, hoping to scare away anything that might be a threat. No answer came, but Iola still did not feel safe. She turned the old latch, trying to close the window, but the handle fell off – she twisted it much too hard.
She stood there for a moment, staring at the metal piece in her palm, her mind far, far away. She knew what happened; no letter was needed to remind her of previous events.
Nevertheless, she was drawn to it. Each day, week, month – time passed with the knowledge that in that room, in that desk, was that envelope.
The key to it all.
Her hand shook as she returned to the letter, willing the pieces to be one once more. She started reading.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
I really liked it and hope to read more. It really caught me and drew me in and I saw no real problems. Can't wait for the next piece.
Hey Elein! This was great, and now you've got me intrigued. I like your writing style, because it really seems to flow well to me. Some stories on here take a few paragraphs to get into it, but yours seemed to be going from the start.
And I liked your description. Of course, I like all description. I never remember to put any in me, so we're the complete opposite lol.You seem to balance it out well enough without strangling the story.
I couldn't find anything much wrong, so this is pretty much just a quick post to say that this is good, and to thank you for my critique last night. Or a couple of nights ago lol. My memory is not the best. I'll look forward to the next part.
Mat
Thanks WD for reading and commenting, I so appreciate it
I changed the margin think, but I’m still contemplating on the first sentence. *Grumbles* As to description: This was originally meant to be some kind of a prologue, -and I really didn’t want much description in it. (Which wa kind of hard, since I always put wayy to much of it, lol).
All this contemplating is giving me a headache. I hate editing, grrr.
And again, thanks to everyone for commenting.
-Elein
This is quite good, Elein! Very mysterious. I enjoyed it immensely. DarkLight found most of the nitpicky things I noticed, but I'll point out just a few...
The part with her playing with the letter is long-winded; I suggest splitting up some of the sentences.
I just want to second what DarkLight said about the 'from margin to margin' part.
This may just be me, but I felt you could use a little more description here. With this material, you can create a very powerful image. Don't write an entire paragraph about the window or room or anything; a few sentences describing the sensation of the chilly night breeze or the shadows in her room would be beautiful.
In general:
Very beautiful piece here, Elein. I like it. If you write more of this, I will be looking forward to a continuation. Nicely done and keep writing. PM me if you need anything!
Lilith: Thanks for taking your time and reading this - if you ever have anything that needs a crit, feel free to PM me.
And thanks for your corrections on expressions - I feel I’m a bit out of touch, with only six hours of English and that at school . Lol, but, skipping the lamenting, thanks a lot.
*Appreciation* - (Is that even possible?)
Darklight: The same
As to the continuation: I had it all mapped out. Then I crossed it out and made a new outline. Then crossed that one and am currently sick of outlines
Changes will, of course, be made.
I love you guys, thank you for reading
Oh very nice! Mysterious, interesting and chilling. Of course
, I do have a few comments:
I think you mean 'at eyes height'. I guess it's just an expression.
I don't think 'lapsed' is the right word for the job here. 'Passed' maybe? Something like that.
I love the 'escaped their enclosure' bit. Brilliant, it's even slightly alliterative!
I think 'filled' should go before the 'from margin to margin' bit. That would increase the flow of it and if you made 'black letter' into 'black letters' then it would read really well.
Are two 'very's too much? Maybe. Also, your repeated full-stops (This bit '...') weaken the impact of the short sentence. If you just have one full-stop it will give it far more tension and it will strike the reader more.
I think you mean: 'get it over with'. The 'it' must have just escaped slightly
And that's the perfect example of the sentence for impact! Brilliant!
Lol. Same thing as the one above. Make sure you don't overuse it though otherwise you lessen the impact each one has.
Ok, you can have one 'in', but not both. That's greedy
And a great ending! Brilliant, you finish with something shocking enough to make me want more, and you reveal something else about your character. Great!
Ok. You've mastered 'The Hook'. I want more. I want to know about the 'previous events', the 'powers' and why Iolayne chooses to 'hiss' at whatever/whoever was out there!
Iolayne seems to be a very mysterious, if disturbing, character and I'm looking forwards to a bit more. You are planning on finishing this aren't you?
Anyway, keep it up, and if you have any questions PM me
DarkLight
It a beautiful piece and I would love to read more. Honestly, from what I saw, there weren't any grammatical problems. Now you best get the next chapter up quick.