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Young Writers Society



Spirit Caller #2

by Esmé


Ch. 1 - Here

Chapter Two

“You said you’d buy me a dress!”

“Yes, yes,” mumbled Ace absently, vaguely remembering herself saying something of the sort. Right now her attention was absorbed by making sure everything was intact and nothing was lost – not even her sister.

“A dress, dress, dress!"

“Not now,” Acelyn muttered through clenched teeth, catching Cat’s hand, the small suitcase that made their entire luggage in the other. Currently deciding whether or not they should mix into the crowd leaving the ship now or wait a bit, she tried to block out Catalina’s wails.

“Dress, dress, dress, now! You promised!”

“But we don’t have enough money,” she explained as patiently as she could, finally deciding to join into the mob of passengers leaving “The Marchioness”. Ace, after two months aboard, had enough of the ship. Her mind made up, she stepped into the current of people, all equally keen on getting to dry land.

“Dress, dress, dress!” Cat chanted the dratted words without a pause, ignoring Ace’s glares. Now and then she tried to wriggle out of her sister’s hold, but found it impossible.

Almost.

“Cat, behave yourself, don’t you dare-” The moment they set foot in the port, Cat freed herself of Acelyn’s grip. Mixing into the surrounding them crowds, she ignored her sister’s shouts. Ace hesitated a second, her gaze shooting from the luggage to her sister. That moment was enough for Cat to disappear in the throng of people.

Ace cursed.

***

Tesney, Tesney, Te-he-sny, Te-he-e-sny…

Tesney, bouncing on his heels, staggered along the filthy, narrow street. Occasionally, a few scraps of food would be thrown out in his direction the cramped, rickety houses on each side of the road. -Scraps, because in this part of town, no one had much to spare.

Tesney, Tesney, Te-esney? Tesney, Tesney, Sney!

“Tesney!” Children playing on the street, skinny and hollow-eyed, screeched shrilly as he passed them. “Mad Tesney, old Tesney!”

-But Tesney was not old, at least not that old. Sure, a few wrinkles could be found under all the dirt and grime that made home on his face, and alright, a sprinkle of white littered his hair below the grease, but he could not be more than forty, maybe forty-five. Not that anyone knew that.

For the people who lived on the street, Tesney was a stable element of the surrounding them world. A staggering, dirty, and occasionally muttering under his nose element, but secure element nevertheless. If the residents were asked to tell of a time when Tesney was not there, they would not be able to comply. Tesney was simply there, always, always there, for as far as anyone could remember. He would trudge along from one end of the street to the other, from time to time singing something to a tune known only to him, rarely answering comprehensibly to any asked question; more than not he could be found staring vacantly into the space in front of him with his blank, colorless eyes.

Tesney was Tesney, and even if people did not know why they did it, they felt an irresistible urge to help him, tell him and give him something to eat and drink, once in a while. He was their landmark, and somehow, they knew, as long as Tesney was there, all would be well.

Te-e-e-e-sney! Tesney, Tesney, Te-e-sney? Tesney, Tesney!

Tesney stopped in mid-step and nearly toppled over. He blinked and looked wildly around himself, an expression of outright terror expanding over his features. He had walked to far, gone out of the boundaries… The Countess will be mad, oh yes she will. She always was, when Tesney accidentally stepped away from his street.

Tesney shivered. He didn’t like when the Countess was mad. She made him hurt, and he didn’t like that either. And She was always mad, nowadays.

He paused and blinked again, trying to think. Maybe She was mad because of all the-

Te-e-e-e-esney! Esney, sney, s-e-ney, Te-he-sney!

He flinched as a searing pain shot through his mind, almost making him jump. He whimpered. That always happened when he tried to think, when he tried to remember…

Tesney, Tesney, Te-he-sny? Te-he-sney? Tesney!

After taking a step forward, he halted yet again and tried to scratch a sudden itch at the back of his head, while making an attempt to cover his eyes at the same time. The sun shone fiercely, too fiercely. It stung him, even more that the shot at him glares of passersby.

Stupid, stupid people. They call him mad, they do. Insane. Old, old Tesney-

Tesney, Tesney, Te-e-sney!

Addled, was he? Addled by magi- Tesney let out a snivel as the pain in his head returned once more.

Te-e-e-e-sney! Tesney, Te-esney?

A tag, a pull? The man looked down.

“Eva says Ace could make you remember, you know?” The small girl speaking the words had a matter-of-fact voice, cascade of copper curls around her round face.

He stared at her.

“Say something! Say, say, say!” But the pout in her voice retreated as her hand wandered to her nose. “You smell, you know that? I think you should take a bath, you know? Ace would say you needed one. I think you do. Do you think so, too?”

Tesney took a step back.

“Ace says a lot of things,” continued the girl confidentially, her gaze resting on something above his shoulder. “She can do a lot of things, too, but doesn’t like doing them. And she doesn’t like it when I Call Eva. Or anybody.” She bit her lip, her chin starting to wobble. “I don’t like her. I want Ma to come back. Make Ma come back!”

Tesney continued to stare.

Te-e-e-snye, Tesney, Tesney, Te-he-sney!

Cat blinked, much like Tesney not so long ago. “Can you take me to your home? I’m hungry.”

---

So this is part 1 of Ch 2, thanks for reading. I think it would be too long if I posted the whole chapter, so I'm splitting this (oh, alright, I still have to write it, lol).


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571 Reviews


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Sat Mar 03, 2007 10:48 am
Esmé says...



Thanks for the crit, it was a lot of help, really xD You pointed out some really obvious mistakes. Heh, but that's just me, lol.

Anyways, thank you so much again,

elein

P.S. The 'Tesney' thing - the repeating the name over an over again - that's going to be important later on. -That's what Tesney hears in his head, his name being repeated over and over.




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Sat Mar 03, 2007 7:54 am
sokool15 says...



Sorry about the little mix-up on your critique. Something must have gotten off. I signed my critique before I was supposed to, then put corrections afterwards. If this is a problem tell me and I'll repost it, but if you can still use the critiques in their strange order, leave be! Yours again, 8)




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378 Reviews


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Sat Mar 03, 2007 7:51 am
sokool15 wrote a review...



Overall, very intriguing! I'd like to keep reading.

To begin at the beginning; the first few paragraphs, where Cat is trying to get Ace's attention while Ace is trying to decide what to do - are a little confusing and hectic. Maybe that's the feeling you were trying to get across; if so, good job! Anyway, just think about making the distinction between what Ace is thinking here and what Ace is thinking there. If you know what I mean...*see, even the critique is confusing!*

A few typos:

"You said you'd by me a dress[...]"


Suggestion: "You said you'd buy me a dress..."

For the people who lived on the street, Tesney was a stable element of the surrounding them world. A staggering, dirty, and occasionally muttering under his nose element, but secure element nevertheless. If the residents were asked to tell of a time when Tesney was not there, they would not be able to comply. Tesney was simply there, always, always there, for as far as anyone could remember. He would trudge along from one end of the street to the other, from time to time singing something to a tune known only to him, rarely answering comprehensibly to any asked question; more than not he could be found staring vacantly into the space in front of him with his blank, colorless eyes.


Suggestion: read this paragraph out loud. There are a couple of awkward sentences and phrases that you could revise: "Tesney was a stable element of the surrounding them world." "Muttering under his nose," "If the residents were asked to tell of a time when Tesney was not there, they would not be able to comply," "any asked question." Just some awkwardness.

Well, the rest is pretty good...I don't have time for any more at this particular time. I like it so far! It's definitely not typical; Tesney, so far, is a great character. Often fantasy stories are filled with handsome, brave, courageous, stalwart, or at least dashingly wicked men and beautiful, brave, courageous, stalwart or dashingly wicked women. Tesney wanders outside of this cateragory to make for a very colorful and intriguing character. Ace also promises to be interesting. Good luck, and keep it up!
Yours 4-as long as you want me,
8)



"A dress, dress dress!


Suggestion: you forgot the last quotation marks. "A dress, dress dress!"

Ace, after two months aboard, had enough of the ship.


The grammar isn't right here. You should be in past tense. Suggestion: "Ace, after two months aboard, was sick of the ship." Or some such past tense thing.


8) I like it how you end that section with; "Ace cursed." It's very abrupt and well-defined, and sets the mood for the next scene.

Suggestion: When the people are chanting 'Tesney' over and over, and making fun of him...well, I think the 'Tesneys' are a little over-done. You could do them a bit less, and try to seperate the word in a more sensible place: "Tes...ney," rather than: "Sney...Tesney...Te."

Not that anyone new[...]


Suggestion: "Not that anyone knew"





"Cowards die many times before their deaths; but the valiant will never taste of death but once."
— Julius Caesar