Horrid deaths, oh, nasty deaths -
- lurking in the bathroom!
A little cord, a bit of string,
Slightly, slightly rough.
A little tight, the little rope,
Slung so tightly round a little throat!
Wicked deaths, ghastly deaths!
Smelly powder, stinky dusty-dust,
Sour, bitter, and so sugar-sweet.
All that icky, gooey stuff,
Added to a cup of tea!
Wicked deaths, ghastly deaths!
Shiny, sparkly, tad bit pointy,
An ugly metal grey.
A little pointy, a little sharp,
Twitchy, twitchy, in a heart-shaped heart!
Horrid deaths, oh, nasty deaths -
- lurking in the bathroom!
____
Okay, basically I want this at the start of a new part for 'Lissie Darcesty - Saving Tiddles'. I'm no poet, and this is, like, my second post in the 'Poetry Forums'. Be as harsh as you like, tell me what you think about it, but remember that this is no real poetry - it's just a chant. I do appreaciate all critiques!
Cheers,
Esme
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,425 Reviews
Aw, this was really fitting to your story and I could hear it as a chant.
Slows the chant down. I think 'dust' will do fine.
'tad' seems a little out of place here. I don't know why....consider changing?
Overall, this goes really well.
Alainna
xxxx
Haha! This is simply hilarious! I loved this! It's so infantile but it's so... well, entertaining in the same time.
I had to stop only once--"dusty-dust" ruins the line. Just say dust. Please.
And the exclamation points work amazingly!
Excellent job!
... The second stanza? But the bathroom part is important! *Whimpers* Also, I am starting to think that I am a bit over-enthusiastic with the exclamation marks.
Anyway, again thanks for the crits, guy! Needles to say, they are much appreciated, ever more so since I am working on a re-write.
Cheers,
Esme
Nice. I pretty puch agree with everything Penguin said. some of the rhymes, especially in the second stanza, are a little awkward. The rhythm needs to flow a little more.
Nice job.
Obviously, thanks for the crit
Sohini, Penguin - *^_^* I'll keep in mind your advice about some stanzas being childish (and that goes to the story itself, too).
Cheers, and thanks again for critting,
Esme
Automatically a cute and foreboding begining, drew me in immediately.
Ooohh, I like this too. But your repetition of “tight/tightly” jars a little, it sticks out.
Lovely. ^.^
All of a sudden you’re into a little bit of baby-talk. To begin with you’ve got the childish element but it has sophistication, here it reverts. I think you can do better, although I like the sentiments, the basic idea of the stanza.
Nice use of repletion.
Hrrrm, the same here as the one above. Though I love the onomatopoeia, “twitchy, twitchy” I think if you could keep that it would be great. It is a fantastic way of showing what you mean, very visual.
Nice use of repetition once again.
I like this entire poem, and I can feel Michael in the telling. Lovely work. ^.^
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
This poem is more of a chant, yes.
But, it's a creepy one that aroused fear in you. I like the usage of words and the first lines are very imaginative.