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Young Writers Society



Alice and Riley

by Esmé


don’t go don’t go don’t go there don’t please Mama please don’t go please

Trembling hands covered squeezed shut eyes; thin strands of hair stuck to his face, glued with hot tears. Clammy hands, clammy face, even without those tears. Droplets of wet fell to his head from the sky.

He peeped through his fingers, spreading them wide. Their feet made squelching sounds on the moss - they were coming. And he saw their shadows.

don’t go come back don’t go please please Mama come back don’t go there

***

Mrs. Next Door had her upturned nose squashed against the window’s glass, hawkish eyes peering down into the neighbors’ garden. Her husband snored in the bedroom, but she was up an about already, cleaning the sills.

What was that woman doing, letting her child out in such weather? What was she-

***

Leaves in his eyes. Not green, but decaying brown, and he could see nothing but that brown. But he could hear, even in those brown bushes, and he heard a howl. Then silence. Then a howl, again. And then silence, and nothing after that.

Was the rain red? Why was the rain red?

Mama left him. Mama went there, to them, and now Mama hurt.

Mama said they were bad. Mama said they would do bad things to them. Mama said, before she went there, “Run - run, go!”

Mama said she would try to stop them. But she didn’t. Did she lie?

Why was the rain red?

Why didn’t she stop them? Why were they still coming?

She always stopped them.

The rain was red.

***

The child’s name was Riley, and his mother was Alice.

Mrs. Next Door furrowed her brows, eyes bulging to see what was happening. She didn’t quite dare to actually open the window, but she craned her neck, pressing her face to the glass. She saw four silhouettes in that garden - one of the boy, one of the mother, and two others.

A hand covered her parted lips, the dirty cloth sticking out of her clenched fist.

The woman was standing a step away from her son. One of the - one of the others held her by her neck and wrists, showing her head back, over the boy. Something was in her stomach, glinting in the moonlight when pulled out and then thrust in again.

Down, down, she toppled down.

Riley, the child’s name was. The mother was called Alice.

***

DON’T GO DON’T GO DON’T GO PLEASE DON’T GO PLEASE

She left, she wasn’t there anymore. Mama didn’t howl anymore, and he didn’t hear her, and he didn’t see anything, because of the brown leaves in his eyes. He opened them, and then couldn’t close them, because of those leaves.

The rain was red. The leaves were everywhere. The leaves were cutting his eyes, and the rain was red. The red came from above.

They were coming closer. And their shadows were bigger and bigger.

Something fell on top of him.

Get up get up get up Mama get up get up Mamaaaa

***

Mrs. Next Door’s eyes widened, and she screamed into her cloth. Screamed until she had no breath, staggering away from the window - she stumbled to the floor, taking the tablecloth down with her. Teacups and plates smashed to the tiles.

The cloth fell out of her mouth. She screamed louder.

***

His were dying out.

The squelching wasn’t squelching anymore. It stopped. It was too close to come any nearer, and it wrapped itself around his throat, and tightened.

And tightened and tightened and tightened. And broke something.

Mamaaaaaaaa.

***

The rain stopped. Dawn came, birds began to sing.

Mr. Next Door still snored - his wife rubbed at the sills with trembling hands.

Mamaaa wait for me, wait. I’m coming to you!

I’m coming, Mama.

The curtains of the window were drawn.

____

No, no, nooooo. Italics aren't working... Imagine that they're there?


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89 Reviews


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Tue Oct 07, 2008 12:14 am
chichi wrote a review...



This was great! It feels real, the reader knows quite clearly what's going on in Riley's head. The italics appear to be working, but maybe there are more that got deleted somehow.

Trembling hands covered squeezed shut eyes; thin strands of hair stuck to his face, glued with hot tears. Clammy hands, clammy face, even without those tears.


The double usage of "tears" is a bit awkward. We know that you are talking about tears already, so if you said "even without them" it would make more sense.

That's the only mistake I found! Great work!




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Sat Sep 20, 2008 12:20 pm
Esmé says...



Thank you for reading and reviewing!




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Sat Sep 20, 2008 12:07 pm
Kaylyn wrote a review...



Wow, greatly written story. You're a talented writer. It was a bit confusing at first but it made since when I read on. I prefer happy endings and like them best, but you made it work. I think that you had a good representation of what sometimes goes on today. Victims are murdered or harmed in front of bystanders and they never say a word. Good luck and keep writing!




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571 Reviews


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Sun Sep 14, 2008 8:49 am
Esmé says...



Conrad,

Thanks for the review :) Yes, I'll probably be adding more of Alice.

Thanks again!


Cheers,
Esme




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Sat Sep 13, 2008 10:59 pm
Conrad Rice wrote a review...



Well, all in all I found this story to be a very tightly knit together piece. You allowed us to get into Riley's head very well, helping us to identify with him, and that makes his eventual fate all the more heartbreaking. And calling the next door neighbor simply that helps with a factor that I think is essential in all horror stories, the "this could be you factor." My only gripe with this story is that we don't get to see enough of Alice. We know what Riley sees of her, and what Mrs. Next Door sees of her, but if she's going to be a part of your title then you ought to show us a little more of her than what you do. That's my only gripe though. As it is, this is a piece that I like because it's small, and not in a mean way. It's like a mini-Hershey's bar, you get all the nice flavor of a big one, just in a smaller package. Good job. :)





Chickens are honestly little dinosaurs. And they know it.
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