Blood on Snow
“Damn you, Shay,” the woman whispered, her voice hoarse. “Damn you forever after.”
Cecilie Devereux sat straight atop a massive shelf, still as a statue. Hidden in the shadows fair features were cut in stone, and only her swinging in midair feet indicated she was alive at all, kicking at rows and rows of colorfully-bound books.
A choking sound, a moan, a gasp of pain erupted from the very far corner of the room, where tar black drapes of an enormous in size window let slip one sole beam of yellow moonlight, enlightening a clammy, chalk white face set in a horrible grimace. His light blue eyes were half closed, and his breathing was ragged, shallow. The man was sprawled on the kitchen floor, and blood leaked through the hand pressed over the wound on his chest, spilling onto the pastel blue tiles.
Cecilie leaned out of the shadows, and stared.
She wasn’t a dazzlingly beautiful woman, her shockingly pale face made up of bland features that demanded one to forget them, with white lashes and colorless pupils, and fair, loose wisps of hair flowing in curtains down her back. The only accent of color were her painted crimson lips, now slightly parted as she mouthed his name.
“Did you think of me, Shey? Just once, during all these years, did you think of me?” she demanded coldly, and he groaned in reply, looking not at her but at the pool of blood at his side, at the leaking through his fingers life. “Once, Shey, once in the forty years that have passed, did you think of me?” Cecilie asked once more, her voice cracked. The hand raised to push away a strand of hair from her face shook, and the bracelet around it jingled. She stopped swinging her legs.
“Ce… Cecilie - Cecilie,” he breathed, barely audibly, and pain flashed in her eyes as she looked into his, deepening as he said her name. “Every - every day, Ce… Cecilie, every day-”
“Liar!”
Silence rang afterward, and Cecilie seemed to flinch at her own voice, cringing as the echo faded out. She wrapped her arms around herself, curling her hands into fists in an attempt to control herself. “Liar,” she whispered again, tiny diamonds shimmering on her cheeks. Impatiently, she wiped them away, her shoulders shaking. “Not once did you think of me, Shey. You lived on as if nothing had happened.”
“They said… Cecilie – they said...” He tried to sit up, leaning on the wall and countertops for support, leaving bloody imprints on both as his attempts failed. The crimson pool at his side enlarged itself as drop after drop of blood dripped into its depths. “Cessy – Cecilie, help me, please-”
Cecilie ignored him, collecting herself. Gracefully despite her high-heels, she jumped down form the shelf, the thick carpet muffling out any sound that the boots might have emitted. She threw the dagger that she had taken out of the left one into the air, and caught it, observing not the blade but Shey, who traced the weapon’s path through half-closed eyes, vigilant despite obvious pain.
“You recognize it, darling?” she asked, her voice low, dangerous. Her eyes flashed, bright despite their colorlessness. Lights turned on in the room, enlightening the darkness even though neither she nor Shey had made a move. “And you should, Shey, you should.”
The blade in her hand glimmered in the sudden brightness, its sharp edges glistening menacingly. It seemed absurdly frail, the weapon, as if ready to turn into dust at the slightest touch of the bearer, and only the diamond inlayed in the hilt had a life of its own, absorbing the newly found light.
"Marked - marked by the devil, they called you, Ce - Cecilie," Shey whispered, his voice faint. "They said... they said-"
"And you believed them!"
She stood there, hugging herself tightly, weapon in her left hand, and stared at him as silence fell once more. If there had once been the slightest trace of pity in her eye, it was once gone, replaced with deep hatred, a betrayal that could not be voiced in words. And so she stood there, unmoving, still as a statue, with teardrops dripping to her chin, to the collar of her purple blouse.
“You did what they asked you to do,” she said, her tone calmer, with no sign of her shrill outburst. The tears, too, were gone, and as her features rearranged themselves to an indifferent mask, she continued, her voice barely more than a hiss. “Marked by the devils, was I? Had my fate written in my blood, in my parentage, did I?”
And then the tears flowed freely once again, and Cecilie did nothing to stop them. Shoulders hunched, she swayed on her feet, and she leaned against the table for support, curtains of fair hair falling on her face. The knuckles on the table, already a ghostly shade of pale, turned white. ”I fought with it all my life, you know? And I thought I won, I really did. I met you, and I fell in love with you - and I thought you loved me, too. And then - then…” She stopped short, twirling the dagger, and smiled almost tenderly at him.
“You were supposed to take me to see a film that night, remember? They were black and white back then, but you knew how much I loved them, and you offered to take me too see one.” Cecilie paused and took a deep breath, once again wiping away tears staining her face. Slowly, she ambled toward Shey, boots clicking on the tiles as she maneuvered around the bar, stepping into the kitchen. She continued to toss the dagger. “Remember? It snowed that night. Flakes and flakes, beautiful white flakes fell. And when it stopped snowing, stars appeared, strewn across the black sky. Remember?”
“Ce… Cecilie-” Shey rasped, unable to say anything more. He inched away from her, wincing at each movement, terror on his face.
“I wanted to call a taxi, didn’t I? But you said it was too beautiful a night to be wasted away, and I didn’t want to argue with you. We walked, your arm around my waist. We walked and we laughed, snowflakes in our hair and cheeks red from the cold.”
With a smooth movement she caught the blade in midair, and sheathed it into her boot again. The hilt visible under her long black skirt, she kneeled at Shey’s side, touching his clammy cheek with her hand. She bit her lip, for a moment silent, and then leaned over to whisper into his ear.
“I trusted you, Shey. I gave you my life, my soul, and you sold it,” she hissed, not looking at him. Her face was no longer calm, despair and hatred etched in every line of her features. “And for what? Two, three, maybe four diamonds? That was all I was worth to you, Shey?”
“You killed me in that alley, remember? Took out the dagger, plunged it into my heart, and then you left me there, in the snow.” Cecilie closed her eyes and breathed heavily. “It was cold, so very cold… And you left me there. You took my soul, my life, my heart and my love, and left my body there, in that dark alley. You left me there, Shey, you killed me and left me there!”
“Cessy, please… please-” He reached out to her, but she cringed away, her expression that of pure disgust. “You don’t – don’t under – understand, Cessy-”
”I died there, Shey. My blood was on the snow.” She laughed hysterically, the unpleasant sounds echoing throughout the room, and when her laughter died out, there was desperation on her features. ”There is nothing redder that fresh blood on newly fallen snow, Shey. Nothing.”
“You know what became of me, Shey? No?” she asked softly, her tone not matching her expression. “Oh, but I will tell you – may you have something to think about in your coffin. Five thousand years of service in the Court of the Fallen, Shey.” She forced a laugh again, tears of anger mixing with those of misery. “And all because of your greed, Shey. You sold my soul to them, sold it for five diamonds.”
”Ce-”
Shey moaned again, and Cecilie watched him, merciless, as he took his last breaths. For a flash of a second she look to the window, through the tiny gap between the black drapes, before returning to the man. Carefully, she placed a kiss on his cheek, and traces of lipstick seemed to shine on his sweaty, pale face.
She watched, pain on her face, as he sighed his last sighed, and as the hand he had pressed against his wound felt limply to his side. She watched life escape his clear blue eyes, just as so long ago life had been taken away from hers.
As the first rays of sunlight filled the room, the woman who had once been called Cecilie Devereux disappeared with the night.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Eh, I know this wasn’t too good - I kind of gave up on this story a long time ago. But thanks, thanks for the review, I’ll keep all this in mind when writing any future stories, or if I ever do come back to it. Everything’s possible (:
Cheers!
~I'm sorry, I'd already read like a lot of this before I realized that it was so old...but I decided to keep going anyways
And, thanks so much for your comment on my story!~
fair features were cut in stone- That kind of sounds awkward and it's hard to tell what you meant by that.
As far as the first paragraph, I think you could like make it more clear where the setting is because that was kind of confusing.
A choking sound, a moan, a gasp of pain erupted from the very far corner of the room, where tar black drapes of an enormous in size window let slip one sole beam of yellow moonlight, enlightening a clammy, chalk white face set in a horrible grimace-
That sentence is kind of really long and could be shortened a lot. Like, the descriptions are great but all set in one sentence they could of run together and the images begin to bleed together, if you know what I mean. My next little comment is gonna sound slightly random but...yellow moonlight? I'm not sure that I've ever seen that before, but I suppose that doesn't mean that it can't exist. Also, this is just another little small thing but you could take out the horrible before grimace because like grimaces are usually horrible anyways.
The man was sprawled on the kitchen floor-
I thought she was in a library? Again, the scenery could be clarified a little bit.
“Once, Shey, once in the forty years that have passed, did you think of me?”-
Not sure about the time...because like, she seems young-ish to me that I can't imagine her being an older character really.
pain flashed in her eyes as she looked into his, deepening as he said her name.-
Maybe clarify that it's the look of pain deepening in the eyes and not really the eyes themselves.
Silence rang afterward, and Cecilie seemed to flinch at her own voice, cringing as the echo faded out-
Sorry, this comment's gonna seem really weird too, but for some reason my brain's not functioning normally tonight. Whatever normal is. Anyways, having like sound references right after silence is a little awkward...because I started reading and imagined this silence and then there's like noises and stuff. Maybe like put the silence after her flinching at her voice. Also, since flinch and cringe are pretty much the same thing, you could combine that bit and take out the seem to, so it'd read something like, "Cecilie cringed at the sound of her voice as the echo faded out" or something?
She wrapped her arms around herself, curling her hands into fists in an attempt to control herself-
I really am sorry. But this is gonna be a little weird to. I swear, just remind me to and once my brain's working right I'll give you a more normal comment on something newer as soon as I can. But anyway, I just tried to do this and it's really hard and uncomfortable feeling to wrap your arms around yourself and curl your hands into fists.
Impatiently, she wiped them away, her shoulders shaking-
A really small thing, but it'd sound a lot smoother if like maybe you changed it to "She wiped them away impatiently, her shoulders shaking"
The crimson pool at his side enlarged itself as drop after drop of blood dripped into its depths-
Hard to tell what this crimson pool is. Like, is it like a stain actually on him where the wound is or is it on the ground beside him?
She threw the dagger that she had taken out of the left one into the air, and caught it, observing not the blade but Shey, who traced the weapon’s path through half-closed eyes, vigilant despite obvious pain-
The dagger seems to come from nowhere. Like, it's just all of a sudden in her hand? Kind of confusing. Also, I think maybe it'd be better to break that sentence up into two separate sentences.
Lights turned on in the room, enlightening the darkness even though neither she nor Shey had made a move-
This is a little confusing, and it's unclear like what this really is.
Ooh, and another super duper small thing is that I just realized that the first time you used his name, you spelled it with a and then the rest of time it's with an e.
It seemed absurdly frail, the weapon, as if ready to turn into dust at the slightest touch of the bearer, and only the diamond inlayed in the hilt had a life of its own, absorbing the newly found light-
You could also break up this sentence to make it flow smoother. Also, it's a little contradictory because the sentence before you called it menacing. Soo like, maybe expand a wee bit on how it could be like menancing and frail at the same time? And the light again...it's still hard to tell where exactly the light's coming from.
She stood there, hugging herself tightly, weapon in her left hand-
Well, I didn't try this one since I don't really have a weapon, but I think this would be awkward (and dangerous) to do too...
If there had once been the slightest trace of pity in her eye, it was once gone, replaced with deep hatred, a betrayal that could not be voiced in words-
Well, there wasn't ever the slightest trace of pity that I saw, so that's maybe just a little misleading. And if she did at first, maybe that could be more noticeable. Also, I think it would be like a feeling of being betrayed, because I THINK the way it's written here would be having her doing the betraying.
And so she stood there, unmoving, still as a statue, with teardrops dripping to her chin, to the collar of her purple blouse-
I'm not sure about the still as a statue, because it's kind of repetitive, like it said that in the beginning and all...and as far as Cecilie being connected with statues at all, I don't really get because that would make her be like emotionless and she sounds kind of moody to me...Although, I also don't know if like she'd be crying about it...for some reason, it just doesn't seem like an appropriate reaction for her for some reason.
Had my fate written in my blood, in my parentage, did I?”-
Maybe have him mention something about this before she does?
And then the tears flowed freely once again, and Cecilie did nothing to stop them.-Again, I'm not sure. I mean, like I know it's about the past or whatever but at the same time there doesn't seem to be anything that she said or he said or whatever to set off this crying fit. Even like thinking of her as being like a kind of unstable person, it still doesn't seem to really fit.
Shoulders hunched, she swayed on her feet, and she leaned against the table for support...She stopped short, twirling the dagger-
Maybe like show her leaning over and then standing up again? Because one second she's leaning against the table and then the next she's twirling her dagger. And maybe something about what she did with her dagger when she was leaning over. Basically, what I mean is that like when people lean over they usually hold onto the side of the table...and to do that, she probably couldn't have been holding the dagger, so she probably would have to put it down somewhere.
Slowly, she ambled toward Shey, boots-
I'm not entirely sure if the word ambled fits the mood...because ambled sounds like she doesn't have a care in the world you know and kind of directionless-like and that doesn't really match up. Also, you said high heels earlier and like I don't know maybe I'm wrong because I know absolutely nothing about shoes, but I don't think you can really call boots high heels or vice versa.
But you said it was too beautiful a night to be wasted away, and I didn’t want to argue with you.-
That's not really a topic that they'd argue about, I don't think.
The hilt visible under her long black skirt, she kneeled at Shey’s side, touching his clammy cheek with her hand-
This sentence could be broken up a little bit as well. Also, another little small thing but if Shey was still inching away from her she might not really have reached him yet, so maybe include something about him not inching away anymore? And maybe his reaction to her touching him?
“It was cold, so very cold… And you left me there. You took my soul, my life, my heart and my love, and left my body there, in that dark alley. You left me there, Shey, you killed me and left me there!”-
Wow. Now that kind of threw me for a loop. Maybe like include just a few more hints that she'd dead? You already have that she's really pale...Because I think even though that was kind of abrupt and shocking, that was a good way to put it, but now maybe like go through and add little hints and stuff so that in hindsight the reader can be like, "Oh, well I guess she is dead, isn't she?"
Also, how is he reacting so normally to someone that's supposed to be dead talking to him? Like, is it because he thinks he's dying and seeing her or has he had experience in the past with ghosts or...? You know.
Oh, and while I'm thinking about it, maybe include some background info on how exactly he got there. Because like, it's fine where you started even if it's kind of like in the middle of the action, it's just that know it'd be nice to have some kind of idea about what lead up to this.
“Cessy, please… please-” He reached out to her, but she cringed away, her expression that of pure disgust-
Not sure that she'd be really far enough away to say "reached". Also, instead of "her expression that of pure disgust" I think maybe "her expression purely disgusted" would sound better.
she asked softly, her tone not matching her expression-
A little hard to get this, because like you have that her expression is desperation, but we don't necessarily really have a tone to match, oor not match, with it. Like, her voice is soft, but that's not really a tone, just a volume level, ya know?
Five thousand years of service in the Court of the Fallen, Shey-
Umm, maybe clarify that because it's kind of confusing. You say in the beginning it was forty years ago. But still, like, she couldn't really be doing this if she was in service to them, right...but how could that much time have passed, because like he's still alive or whatever. So...did she get away from them? And if so, maybe tell/show how?
For a flash of a second she look to the window, through the tiny gap between the black drapes, before returning to the man-
Maybe include like why she did that? I mean, you explain later or whatever, that like it's getting morning, but maybe put something about seeing daylight between the drapes or something? Also, flash of a second sounds kind of awkward.
She watched, pain on her face-
I'm not sure if that would be an appropriate reaction for her, again. Unless it's pain for her past and not for him...because she honestly didn't sound like he was about to die before or whatever.
As the first rays of sunlight filled the room, the woman who had once been called Cecilie Devereux disappeared with the night-
Not sure about the "once been called", or at least with how it's used. Because you called her Cecilie Devereux in the beginning and all throughout, if you get what I'm trying to say. Unless, like, her whole identity, even in death, was so wrapped around this one guy that once he'd died, a part of her died with him? It would also be really interesting if you gave some kinda hit as to what's going to happen exactly with Shey's soul. Aand, as far as her just disappeared, maybe like a bit more description on how that happens or looks or whatever?
But overall, this was a really great story, even though I think Cecilie's rapid mood changes could have been controlled just a little more to make it seem more realistic...even though it isn't like a realistic-type story. But I love the sense of mystery that surrounded it, how you know there's still something more no matter how much the characters continue to reveal, but most of the time you manage to keep it from just being mysteriously vague and confusing. I thought Shey's character could have been developed just a little more. Just enough to have an idea of who he is and his motives so we can have a more emotional response, whether good or bad, to his death. Not too much, maybe, because she story's not really about him...I think it's more about Cecilie being free of him. And that aspect of the story could actually be pronounced a little more. I also love the descriptions, even though they were sometimes a little too moody and the exact scenery of things all throughout was a little hazy.
Great job though! And I hope some of that was helpful, if you ever do plan on revising this...even though like a lot of it was a little random and weird-ish I think.
Wow, this was good, and very, very creepy. The only thing I found that wasn't already said (at least, I think XD): The first time the man's name appears, it is spelled "Shay", but everywhere else it is "Shey".
Okay there was a few grammar mistakes, but they have already been mentioned so I won't repeat. I really, really like the story and it leaves me wondering whats next. I enjoyed reading it. If you have a sequel or prequel with it I would definately read it. You did a great job, and good luck with future writing.
Hello,
Cecily is a very interesting looking character, and I like that she's not outright beautiful. I think her characterization was mostly angry, and if this is a short story it leaves a little something missing. If its part of a longer piece I think it is very tantalizing and I want to know more of the story. Shey seemed a little flat to me. Maybe a little more dialogue from him, even if he's dying. Mostly he just says her name and I think you could add a lot more information there from his side of the story. Overall i think this is a very interesting little piece with lots of great imagery and mood. I could really get into the darkness of the setting and the misery for both characters. Let me know if you expand. (Thanks also for your review on my item Devil's Book). Write on!
Things To Consider:
Good job with the mechanics. there were only a few things to look at.
"“Damn you forever after.”"- I think you could take out the "after" since you have "forever"
"Hidden in the shadows fair features were cut in stone, and only her swinging in midair feet indicated she was alive at all, kicking at rows and rows of colorfully-bound books."- I think maybe a comma after "shadows" would be helpful but then the sentence is a little comma ridden. I'm not really sure if your saying "her" fair features are cut in stone or something else is. It's a long sentence and hits just at the border of too long, though everything in it is great description. up to you, really. I'm more of a short sentence person so it is probably up to preference. The same goes for a number of sentences but I won't point the all out.
of an enormous in size window let slip one sole beam - maybe- of an enormous window let slip a beam
enlightening a clammy, chalk white face set in a horrible grimace. - I think "lighting" works better than "enlightening"
The crimson pool at his side enlarged itself as drop after drop of blood dripped into its depths.- I don't think "depths" is necessary, it can't really be very deep.
she jumped down form the shelf- from
Thewonderfulworldofnight,
I love you. Having said that, I would like to repeat it: I love. You have just answered one of my worries concerning this piece: It has almost no plot at all. *Sighs* So, when editing this, I will give them a past, I really will…
Yeah. Thanks for the crit!
Toodles,
Esme
P.S. And yes, it is a stand-alone.
that was really good!!! it was confusing at the beginning. Perhaps you could write more of the scenery, as it wasn't obvious as to where they were. Also, I'm kind of curious as to what happened with these two in the past. How did they meet? Did he love her in return? Was she really dead during this or was it a metaphor for emotions? Why did Shey sell her out?
Otherwise, it was really good!!! A question, though; is this the ending to a story centered around these two characters or is it meant to stand alone? Oh, and great title!!!
Okay, [major-like] edits made:
-> Points from Twit’s, Stevie’s and Alleycat’s crits taken, at least most of them. Particularly the seriously cliché black-clad protagonist (or antagonist, I really am not sure..). I actually squirmed there, lol.
-> Info dump at beginning is taken care of does it look better now? Also, I still am not sure about the beginning. If anyone has any suggestions concerning that, or perhaps even the order of the paragraphs, feel free (more, feel obliged!) to tell me.
-> That very weird sentence. I distinctively remember myself wanting to edit that, but it seems that somehow I didn’t… But again, it was (not ‘is’, I hope!) weird.
Cheers again,
Esme
Firstly and standart-ly, as always I would like to thank my critters. J I know that this story was written quite a while ago, and that I already have a new project, but I still couldn’t resist coming back to this one, lol.
CCF - I understand what you meant by the first paragraphs issue. Before I even posted this, the beginning was a tad bit different, and, to tell the truth, worse. I just didn’t know how to start the whole story, lol. Now, I guess, I’ll have to start thinking about that again… And I do have problems with info-dumps… *Squirms*
Sunny - Thanks again (or before, I guess?)
Flying Dream - *Hugs*
Yes, well, I am working on yet another re-write right now… *Squirms again*
Cheers,
Esme
Oooooo freaky...In a good way of course. I kinda like those spooky stories. I don't have much to say right now that has already been said except: I'm excited to see more of this.
Raye
i really can't say anything that hasn't already been said. there were a lot of run-ons, which made it tiring to read, but the imagery was beautiful, very vivid. i'm pretty impressed, seeing as you're only fourteen.
The beginning was a bit clanky, but you drew me in as i read further. it was very profound and filled with powerful emotion. The characters are well done, I'm glad you stuck to two through, it aided in your characterization.
You're main issue was the first section, you info dumped a lot in the beginning paragraphs. And after reading through the whole thing i see you re-described certain things. I suggest going through the story, seeing who and what you described later in the story and then going back and altering some so you can reduce the beginning descriptions and let them come in at later times.
A very well written piece. Hopefully this critique will aid in your ventures.
Many thanks go to all who have read and critted/ read an not critted (but have read!) my story. As always, everything is appreciated.
Stevie - Thanks for the impressions, I’ll keep them in mind. As to the confusing part - I meant it to be so (well, a little). I didn’t want to go into info dumps for a short story. Can it stay that way or should I clear some parts out?
Alleycat13 - Thanks! (Aren’t I repeating myself a lot these days?) I’ll keep in mind your suggestions, especially the one about dressing in black. From now on, her color’s purple. J Or red. I have to think it over. As to the part that you quoted… I’m afraid I don’t quite agree. (Nothing like the writer’s POV, yes?) I liked that particular info dump, lol.
Again, thank you all for pointing out errors, problems, and for the suggestions and advice!
Cheers,
Elein
Edit: Cecilie now has a purple blouse. But the skirt remains black.
Most everything has been covered, but I have this to say.
Ahh! Info dump! Billions of clauses strung together with commas! Ahh!!!! Please, break this up. You could make at least three sentences out of that. Also, go through this piece and find all the other sentences like this and change them.
,
Come on, you can do better than that. This is like fanfiction. The resurrected heroine, dressed all in black and leather, (and high heels), fingering and playing with her dagger...no, I don't want to read about generic Mary Sues. I think you've given Celcilie some good dialogue, and I'm interested in the Court of the Fallen and her history, but don't make her like every other movie/fanfic super woman.
There's my advice, hope it helps.
I have to agree with ShadowTwit when it comes to how spooky this piece is... But I liked it.
The Good Things:
- Well written, it got a little confusing here and there but it's nothing a little revising can't fix.
- You brought in the story of why she doesn't like him in at the right time, you didn't over flood the reader with too much information at one time, but spaced it out within the piece.
- The character's were intersting enough, I like the one 'who had once been called Cecilie Devereux' she was well written. Though at times she did get a little confusing, especially at the beginning.
The Bad Things:
- As I said before it was a little confusing, action wise, at points.
Haha try as I might I couldn't find many other "Bad Things" so yeah I'll leave it there. I just have one question: Are you stoping with this? Or are you going to make this a flashback? Or a end of a story? Or the beginning? Cuz this is good and would make a brillant part of a novel.
Anyways great job,
- Stevie
ShadowTwit,
Thanks for the crit, I really appreciate it! (Most of the minor corrections have been mad,e thanks for pointing them out).
Oh good! Slightly spooky as well. ^_^ Very good, just a minor nitpick.
Since the rest of this sentance makes it clear that she isn't a looker, this bit is kinda redundant. Nix it.
This last bit had me seriously confuzzled. Typos?
Wrong word. Ambled destroys the picture you've created of her and her mood. Try stalked, or simply moved.
Had = hand?
Small s.
Feint = faint.
-
That aside, this was very good, and very well written. The last line was great, and really summed it all up. ^_^