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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Anytime
Anyway, I still owe you. So PM me for a critique whenever there's a need.
KJ,
Thanks, thanks, thanks ^_^ I'm in the middle of editing this piece, so any feedback is useful. Ehm, well, theoretically, since I lost the papers on which I had all the edits (and that was a few weeks ago...). But, I shall - really - correct this. ^_^
Thanks again,
Esme
Hey E. Just wanted to attempt to return the favor for all your edits of my work.
NITPICKS:
Had a couple problems with this paragraph near the beginning. These entences are far too long being so close together. Need to cut up or shorten at least one of them. Also, I didn't like the word usage of mask. I would use hood.
I admit I'm being picky, but breathed did not feel like the right word to use here. Your MC is pissed, and you've given me the impression that her personality is forceful, and loud.
I think this would be better if you actually showed us, not told us, about the negative answer.
Very repetitive. You use the phrase "screw up" again further down. Cut one. This takes away from your strong dialogue.
This is just a thought, and should really be in the Pondering section, but wouldn't she act or feel a tiny bit embaressed, or at least angry, about falling and getting soaked? It seems to me that someone as hysterical as your MC would have a stronger reaction.
LOSE your precious time.
You've been writing in past tense. Would, not will.
Akward wordin, I feel. The whole "that I did" part. Revise, and include with other sentence, not make hang off like it is.
Second should be plural.
Two problems with this: didn't like the use of awfully. Took away from the impact of the sentence. Two: is your MC really sensible? Because she doesn't seem like that to me. As I said before, she seems loud, hyspterical, and without control of her emotions. Might want to revise that.
They, not the.
Forgot " at the end.
Were, not we.
Maybe I'm mistaken, but I could have sworn you used Laurens for her last name earlier...
I think one stared is enough.
Misspelled a couple things in this. And again, awkward wording, with the eyes. Also, it seems a bit long. Now, I know your style and mine clashes, because my setence structure is short while yours is long, but here's an example of how I would do this: Her eyes turned black again, and she locked them on mine. I drew back, unnerved, and the girl let out a growl, baring a set of pretty white teeth, though two of them were longer than the others and protruded from the sides.
PONDERING...
-It seems you kind of forgot how your MC was soaking wet while walking. Should probably mention her shivering, or ar least being cold.
-It seemed odd to me that the exocist went into the house without any sort of protection. Demons could invade other bodies, couldn't they? It's just a thought.
WATCH OUT FOR...
-Those run-on sentences. You have a few ones that were almost going overboard.
-Spelling. You had quite a few mistakes. No biggie, of course, but whatever. I'm being picky with you because you're such a good writer.
NICE...
-Creativity. Very unique piece.
-Narrative. I loved your MC. She leaped out at me, and I completely believed she existed.
-Scene with the ghosts and demons. Very well done, and obviously thought out.
-Ending. Shocked the heck out of me.
-Description. I was actually cringing when the MC was working with Mary's hand. Ugh.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
Loved it. I don't know why I didn't read it before.
I hope this makes up for some of the time you've dedicated to N&R.
Angel -
Yes, long it is, but I figured I don’t want to split it, and so I posted the whole thing. As to the intro - I wanted to avoid an info dump, and so I just went on with the action. Hmm There are some details in there that I had planned to cut - but I shouldn’t?
Andrei… Well, he is a secondary character here, and his role is minimal. There’s info of him scattered around the text, but maybe you’re right… *deliberates* Anyway, thanks for critting what you read, it does mean a lot to me.
scasha -
Yes, but I agree on it being a little confusing - I thought so. And if my subjective self does think that, then it’s bad. That’ll be definitely cleared up, and now that I reread it, I think I should expand that.
The part about those repetitions, though. Lissie is really supposed to hate Aram, and she was positively screaming at me to tell that to the world. And Aram himself? You’re so very right - that does have a feeling of being a little rushed. But… he didn’t possess her. He was removed, unconscious, from the room, and Carla hexed him. However, that transition from “now” to “would be” will most probably be cleared up, also.
And run-on sentences are my nemesis. I try to catch them, but when I do so, my eyes just see what they want, heh. But, thanks ever so much for the crit : )
Dream of the Fayth -
Yes, it has, sadly enough. But, t’is not the place to ramble about that.
That window - to tell the truth, I forgot about that part. Not a good excuse, but now that you’ve pointed it out I clear out that bit. It was supposed to be reference (a non-existent one, as it appears) to her voice. I’ll emphasize that and take it into accounts while editing.
Those knives. Well, it’s part of her job, and she uses them later on, no? There’s vampires, werewolves, and what-not, and knives, too.
Reporters/house transition. Hmm, what could I do for it not to leave the reader confused? Expand the house description?
History tome part. You know, I’ve been thinking that myself (big problem if me writing the piece doesn’t blind me that far, haha), but I’ve added that due give the story some background. Bad idea? I full-heartedly agree. And reference to any particular city will be deleted, I guess. Second part, though, in any edits that I’ll do, I’ll expand it. And improve, I suppose, but mostly expand and give more details there.
The MC. Well, the idea was for her to be annoying, and that (sadly?) worked here. I never wrote anything like her, and, frankly, it’s a new experience. She just doesn’t suffer in silence? Carla’s role will, yes, be expanded (ha, I’m thinking of that even as I write). Somehow, though how, I don’t yet know. Moving on to Mary - she will be definitely improved, her intro and then the description later on.
But, since I’m either expanding their role or improving them, I plan on keeping them. Quite a few things in any story are really “necessary”. While building around Lissie, those two popped up, and they will stay. Improvement and expanding, yes, but I thing their original “role” will stay. About the correction of the typo I’ll not comment - thanks for pointing it out.
As to Jonathan Stroud… Really? I dimly remember reading a few years ago, and I don't think I was doing anything of the sort.
Anyway, thanks for the impressions, and your time. I’m seriously starting to look at the story differently, though not in such dark light as you. Apparently something inside me won’t let me. But, thanks again!
Again, thanks, thanks, thanks, and thanks, all. I appreciate the time and effort to read this (very) long piece.
Esme
Hey there Esme, it's been a while.
This is a good definition of apparitions, as it gives a good idea to the reader of what to expect.
This sentence annoys me a bit. Firstly if two policemen are splattered on the walls, we can assume that blood is anywhere. There's no need to repeat an idea twice. Secondly, I think the "thank you very much" kind of slows the flow of the piece and it seems a bit tacked on. It doesn't reflect her attitude towards that situation well (lacks insight); we only have her sarcasm to work with. How many times have you heard the bit "thank you very much?" From my experiences, it is used mostly for sarcasm, and it's not a really original way to express it in my opinion.
What just happened? How did a window suddenly shatter? I think I missed something out.
The knives description is weak, as it is overpowered by the other descriptions which followed before it. You showed to me the bus, taxi, cellphone, passengers, bus stop, suburbs etc. Those together create a strong picture of a city-like setting. The knives description feels a bit detached as a result, as I can't associate a person carrying knives in a city like setting. It just doesn't fit. I think there should be more development as to why your MC would be carrying such tools.
"Likely".
There needs to be a stronger transition from your MC leaving the crowd of reporters and the moment she enters the house. When I first read it, I was thrown off the piece at this point as I was confused as to what just happened.
Cut through my thoughts seem cliche to me.
Overall impressions:
I didn't like this piece. On the whole, it's an OK piece. Though some of your ideas were pretty good, it lacked substance and direction in my opinion. I noticed there was quite a lot of padding in the piece, especially when your MC was about to confront the demon along with Carla. It was filled with unnecessary descriptions of environment and actions that it became dragged. As a result, the ending lacked impact. Little thought was given as to how your descriptions and actions will contribute to build suspense and atmosphere leading up to the climax. It was just basically filled with pointless padding that made me wonder as to why on earth I should even care as to why your MC is hunting down this demon. It was pretty much a joke to me.
The first half of the piece also suffers from a similar problem. A lot of details was given about how certain aspects of the society work etc etc. Quite frankly, I was bored of all that, as it seems so sterile and so pointless. I felt I was like reading a page out of a big history tome on a certain time period. It does little to contribute to what is happening, but rather it acts more like some in-depth guide onto the technical aspects of your world.
As a result, the above two paragraphs show to you as to why I had a headache while I was reading this.
Let's move on to your characters now. I have to disagree with scasha in saying that your main character is 3-D. I actually thought she was quite bland and two dimensional as a character. For a detective of some sort, she seemed like an immature teenager to me. Her narrative voice resembles that of an angst teenage girl (and I felt quite tempted to say the B word) due to her overuse of cliche sarcasm and how she resorts to cursing as a way express her conflicts (e.g: damned, bloody, idiot etc etc). Throughout the entire piece, you've stuck to this framework. She doesn't react nor change when faced with different actions and situations. She just remains like that throughout. Even worse is that her narrative voice follows so closely to that of a stereotypical teenage girl trying to act like a smarty pants that I was bored of her near the half way mark.
The other two characters, Carla and Mary are even flatter than your MC. I didn't even get an idea of who they are. They were only defined in a few sentences which an impatient reader would easily skip over due to the sheer boredom of the text. (and a reader will get impatient by this easily). More importantly, I fail to see the point of having them in the narrative. If you had removed them, it would had made the story better, since I don't see what universal theme/ conflict you were trying to portray with the minor characters. They don't seem to have much influence with the MC at all.
That's all I have to say. I know you can do better than this. This was not as good as your other pieces of writing. It was boring to read and it's filled with padding that does little to contribute to the narration. I hope my critique helped, and feel free to PM me if you have more queries.
Andy.
P.S: I also disagree with scasha about the world being original. The world of this piece reminds me of "The Amulet of Samarkand" by Jonathan Stroud. It's like you've taken the frame-work of it and used it in this piece. There isn't much deviation from it as your descriptions of the setting do not contribute a whole much with what is happening.
WOW! That was great! I loved the ending! I totally didn't expect that.
Onto the particulars or at least the general particulars
Things I adored:
- the quote at the beginning of your story!
- your main character. She's funny and at the same time definitley a tough, no nonsense person. She's very 3-D
- Loved the story itself, the plot and idea of your world was awesomely original
- I liked how you were able to develop your characters in such a short time and create a story that seems to have left an imprint on my mind.
-I liked the part when she realized that she was the one who was dead.
Things I suggest to fix:
- At times your main character rambles. It is interesting to see what she's thinking, you definitley need that, but try to prevent her from repeating herself. I remember her saying damn Aram at least five or six times and then constantly referring to going into Hell.
- I really love it when you show the readers what's going on. Your descripitions are lovely. There are parts, however, where you decide to tell the readers what happened instead of show them. This was particularly saddening in the scene where she preforms the actual exorcism, and gets her phone. Your telling kind of confused me and I had to reread it to understand what you were saying. Keep showing us what's going on, have her show us that she whispers the words and have her stand up to get her cell phone.
- Watch out for run-on sentences, they can be a tad confusing. There are a lot of them in the opening of your story
- I think you should develop Aram a little bit more. We don't really get to see who he is except for that small interaction he has with elizabeth. Try to have them have more dialogue, show that he's angry or calm (maybe he already knew that she would come and he wasn't surprised that she arrived and then he slips out of the room and later posseses her.)
Other than that well done! I'll come back later hopefully this weekend to do line edits
Ok this is really long Esme, but I read up to the part where Lissi fell. I like where you're going with this, but I think maybe a little more description or maybe an intro would do. I want to know more about Lissi and Andrei, how and where did they meet. I know you probably might have explained that somewhere but I want to know more. I'll finish the rest later, but good start.
Keep writing,
Angel
Hey there Esme. It's been a while.
I like this definition of necromancy. It is precise and gives the reader a good idea of what to expect.
The flow seems to be a bit strange here. The "thank you very much" doesn't really fit here. I can assume that you are using it to reveal the MC's attitude towards that situation. Personally I would get rid of it and find another way to show this sort of attitude. Right now it seems kinda tacked on. Also, if two policemen are splattered on the walls, we can safely assume that blood is everywhere. Therefore I don't think "blood everywhere" is necessary as it is just repeating an idea.
You might want to re-structure that sentence. The flow of it is jaggered due to the number of commas used.