Young Writers Society

Anytime Anyway, I still owe you. So PM me for a critique whenever there's a need.

KJ,

Thanks, thanks, thanks ^_^ I'm in the middle of editing this piece, so any feedback is useful. Ehm, well, theoretically, since I lost the papers on which I had all the edits (and that was a few weeks ago...). But, I shall - really - correct this. ^_^

Thanks again,
Esme

Hey E. Just wanted to attempt to return the favor for all your edits of my work.

NITPICKS:

My car had refused to budge, with Al, my next door neighbor – my only, rarely sober neighbor, since I lived on the edge of the suburbs – muttering incoherently under his breath of something being frozen under the mask. He then wandered of, whistling a merry tune, leaving me knowing not what was frozen, but the consequences of it being turned into an icicle: I had to walk my high heeled self to the bus stop.

“No!” I breathed into the mouthpiece after just five seconds.

"Norman Whitman?” I asked hopefully, but received a negative answer

“Tell him that if he screws up my case, I’ll give him living hell! Tell him not to dare screw up my case! Tell him that I’ll have Andrei eat him!”

For a moment I felt warmth spread in my stomach, hearing his concern – but then I remembered the topic of our conversation.

Come and tag Lissie Larens for awhile, we guarantee you won’t loose your precious time.

It wasn’t official yet, me and Andrei, but it soon will be.

Waking up the next morning, though, with him beside me – that I did.

I lost precious second rummaging in my bag again before triumphantly pulling out a mirror.

I frowned at my awfully red nose, but being the sensible person I was, I knew nothing could be done about that.

The assaulted me from all sides.

“Well, missy, this time you’ve gone too far! Come back home this late – and, what? What did you say? Listen here, I am your father, and you live in my house, and-

Perhaps my thoughts we visibly scribbled over my face

“Larens,” he barked, tense already.

Her eyes widened and she stared and stared at me, making choking sounds, and her lips trembled.

Her eyes turned black again, locking hers in mine, and she let out a growl, unbarring a set of pretty whit teeth, though with two longer ones protruding from the sides.

Angel -

Yes, long it is, but I figured I don’t want to split it, and so I posted the whole thing. As to the intro - I wanted to avoid an info dump, and so I just went on with the action. Hmm There are some details in there that I had planned to cut - but I shouldn’t?

Andrei… Well, he is a secondary character here, and his role is minimal. There’s info of him scattered around the text, but maybe you’re right… *deliberates* Anyway, thanks for critting what you read, it does mean a lot to me.


scasha -

Yes, but I agree on it being a little confusing - I thought so. And if my subjective self does think that, then it’s bad. That’ll be definitely cleared up, and now that I reread it, I think I should expand that.

The part about those repetitions, though. Lissie is really supposed to hate Aram, and she was positively screaming at me to tell that to the world. And Aram himself? You’re so very right - that does have a feeling of being a little rushed. But… he didn’t possess her. He was removed, unconscious, from the room, and Carla hexed him. However, that transition from “now” to “would be” will most probably be cleared up, also.

And run-on sentences are my nemesis. I try to catch them, but when I do so, my eyes just see what they want, heh. But, thanks ever so much for the crit : )


Dream of the Fayth -

Yes, it has, sadly enough. But, t’is not the place to ramble about that.

That window - to tell the truth, I forgot about that part. Not a good excuse, but now that you’ve pointed it out I clear out that bit. It was supposed to be reference (a non-existent one, as it appears) to her voice. I’ll emphasize that and take it into accounts while editing.

Those knives. Well, it’s part of her job, and she uses them later on, no? There’s vampires, werewolves, and what-not, and knives, too.

Reporters/house transition. Hmm, what could I do for it not to leave the reader confused? Expand the house description?

History tome part. You know, I’ve been thinking that myself (big problem if me writing the piece doesn’t blind me that far, haha), but I’ve added that due give the story some background. Bad idea? I full-heartedly agree. And reference to any particular city will be deleted, I guess. Second part, though, in any edits that I’ll do, I’ll expand it. And improve, I suppose, but mostly expand and give more details there.

The MC. Well, the idea was for her to be annoying, and that (sadly?) worked here. I never wrote anything like her, and, frankly, it’s a new experience. She just doesn’t suffer in silence? Carla’s role will, yes, be expanded (ha, I’m thinking of that even as I write). Somehow, though how, I don’t yet know. Moving on to Mary - she will be definitely improved, her intro and then the description later on.

But, since I’m either expanding their role or improving them, I plan on keeping them. Quite a few things in any story are really “necessary”. While building around Lissie, those two popped up, and they will stay. Improvement and expanding, yes, but I thing their original “role” will stay. About the correction of the typo I’ll not comment - thanks for pointing it out.

As to Jonathan Stroud… Really? I dimly remember reading a few years ago, and I don't think I was doing anything of the sort.

Anyway, thanks for the impressions, and your time. I’m seriously starting to look at the story differently, though not in such dark light as you. Apparently something inside me won’t let me. But, thanks again!



Again, thanks, thanks, thanks, and thanks, all. I appreciate the time and effort to read this (very) long piece.

Esme

Hey there Esme, it's been a while.

Apparitions are not the dead called to life, but merely imprints of their old selves, Summoned for a set time to pass on a message of a spirit. A particularly strong one might even manage to portray whole days before its death, and refuse to accept the fact that they have passed on. However, they eventually disappear, either by their own will or that of the Summoner, and, called again, they shall display the same scenes all over again, exhibiting everything with the same words and feelings.”


Lesander E. Leise

Advance Study to Necromancy

Two policemen splattered on the walls, thank you very much, with blood everywhere, and only because the suspect had been unshackled.

A window even shattered, letting snow hurl into the bus, and panic erupted among my unfortunate passengers.

My hands shook, I was so angry, and as they did, the knives strapped against my wrists fidgeted uncomfortably.

Most likelz the idiot girl called it herself, wanting to spook her parents a bit –she has the tiniest amount of witch blood in her veins, just enough to make a Summoning.”

“Do you have any idea how much money Arthur Wilkins will inherit?” Now, that was an interesting question, spoken right after a supposedly confirmed information of Arthur’s murder. “And just how big is your fee, Ms. Larens?” Insolence, but it did wonders to my morale, and so I gave the numbers. He goggled.


“Are demons really going to take over the world?” asked one particularly bright woman, and the man that accompanied snapped a picture right in front of my face and my red, red, nose. As the camera kept zooming on me, I asked her who she was reporting for. “STV,” she said, looking absolutely thrilled. Well, so would have I if I were not I, and had a chance to talk to myself, no fake modesty included. I was New York’s best Exorcist, and believe me, it was not easy to live up to my reputation.

“Lissie!” Carla’s image cut through my thoughts.

WOW! That was great! I loved the ending! I totally didn't expect that.

Onto the particulars or at least the general particulars

Things I adored:

- the quote at the beginning of your story!
- your main character. She's funny and at the same time definitley a tough, no nonsense person. She's very 3-D
- Loved the story itself, the plot and idea of your world was awesomely original
- I liked how you were able to develop your characters in such a short time and create a story that seems to have left an imprint on my mind.
-I liked the part when she realized that she was the one who was dead.

Things I suggest to fix:

- At times your main character rambles. It is interesting to see what she's thinking, you definitley need that, but try to prevent her from repeating herself. I remember her saying damn Aram at least five or six times and then constantly referring to going into Hell.

- I really love it when you show the readers what's going on. Your descripitions are lovely. There are parts, however, where you decide to tell the readers what happened instead of show them. This was particularly saddening in the scene where she preforms the actual exorcism, and gets her phone. Your telling kind of confused me and I had to reread it to understand what you were saying. Keep showing us what's going on, have her show us that she whispers the words and have her stand up to get her cell phone.

- Watch out for run-on sentences, they can be a tad confusing. There are a lot of them in the opening of your story

- I think you should develop Aram a little bit more. We don't really get to see who he is except for that small interaction he has with elizabeth. Try to have them have more dialogue, show that he's angry or calm (maybe he already knew that she would come and he wasn't surprised that she arrived and then he slips out of the room and later posseses her.)

Other than that well done! I'll come back later hopefully this weekend to do line edits

Ok this is really long Esme, but I read up to the part where Lissi fell. I like where you're going with this, but I think maybe a little more description or maybe an intro would do. I want to know more about Lissi and Andrei, how and where did they meet. I know you probably might have explained that somewhere but I want to know more. I'll finish the rest later, but good start.
Keep writing,
Angel

Hey there Esme. It's been a while.

"Apparitions are not the dead called to life, but merely imprints of their old selves, Summoned for a set time to pass on a message of a spirit. A particularly strong one might even manage to portray whole days before its death, and refuse to accept the fact that they have passed on. However, they eventually disappear, either by their own will or that of the Summoner, and, called again, they shall display the same scenes all over again, exhibiting everything with the same words and feelings.”

Lesander E. Leise
Advance Study to Necromancy

Two policemen splattered on the walls, thank you very much, with blood everywhere, and only because the suspect had been unshackled.

Having pressed, after two tries, the bright green button, I heard Andrei’s voice.