Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » General


Lust : Chapter 1 : The Note.

by Eros


Chapter 1: The Note.

I was doing my graduation in engineering in one of the top college of our state. When I first entered this college, I swear I felt I was in the most beautiful college of the world. The  large gate was very attractive. The long corridors, the great auditorium, the soccer ground, the basketball court ... It made me feel as if I could stay here, forever. There was a feeling of fun mixed with determination that filled the air with positive energy.

Apart from the games and sports, I would spend most of the time in library. I was a sophomore. George and Hunny were my best friends. We were more like brothers from different mothers. They were very studious and devoted to their goals. The goals of the three of us were same, to get the best grades in engineering and achieve the trophy of student of the year, awarded to the first three toppers of the college.

Apart from that, there was one peculiar thing we always noticed. Wherever we went we would often hear some girls saying, "Look, the triplet of handsome and intelligent boys is here !!" And they would chuckle and giggle and smile at the blushing girl, whose crush was someone from our group.

We never gave a thought at that, until one afternoon, when an incident happened with me. The incident engaged me into some other thoughts that distracted me from my goals of becoming a successful engineer and to achieve that trophy.

That afternoon, at about 2, George, Hunny and I were sitting in the library, completing the assignments together. The dead silence in the library was broken by the creaking of the glass door, followed by the tick tock of high heels. Nobody could resist and everyone's eyes rolled in that direction. There she was, Shanaya, the Miss Freshers of the college. She was indeed beautiful, but for me beauty didn't matter much, as I was focussed on studies that time. She came and sat at the table right beside me. I peeped through the corner of my spectacles and saw her reading a magazine that she carried. After about half an hour, she got up and started to leave. Before crossing me completely, she slided a little piece of paper under the sheet on which I was solving my assignment. I gasped. Before George or Hunny could notice anything, I quickly placed my palm on it. 

After finishing the assignment, I asked George and Hunny to go ahead and wait for me, and also assured them that I will be back in a few minutes. I made up an excuse and stayed back in the library. I quickly removed that note. 

To know what was in the note, please read further in the next chapter...


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
672 Reviews


Points: 35216
Reviews: 672

Donate
Sun Jul 01, 2018 5:00 pm
View Likes
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hi there Eros!
I've seen quite a few of your pieces in the green room from this particular novel and thought I'd start from the beginning and see if I can make my way through a few of them!

Firstly, a few nitpicks:

I was doing my graduation in engineering in one of the top college of our state.

This sentence doesn't read very well. Do you mean, 'doing my degree in engineering'? Or maybe just change to 'I was studying engineering at one of the top colleges in the state'.


Apart from the games and sports

Apart from that,


You use the same start to both these paragraphs - maybe you could consider changing that so it flows better?

Apart from that, there was one peculiar thing we always noticed. Wherever we went we would often hear some girls saying, "Look, the triplet of handsome and intelligent boys is here !!"

This to me doesn't sound like your narrator thinks it was peculiar, it sounds like he is bragging. If that's your intent then that's fine, but it doesn't make your character come off as very likeable.

I think this whole thing will need a bit of tweaking, but that's easier to do when you know you're character's voice better so will be better when editing :)

Hope this has been a bit helpful!

Icy




Eros says...


Thank you so much!



User avatar
88 Reviews


Points: 4661
Reviews: 88

Donate
Sun Jul 01, 2018 8:08 am
View Likes
Sree wrote a review...



Hey, Eros!

That's right, I am exploring your works now. I enjoyed the read. You excel in prose too.
I liked the way it is written. I like the the quality of friendship you have created.

We were more like brothers from different mothers. They were very studious and devoted to their goals. The goals of the three of us were same, to get the best grades in engineering and achieve the trophy of student of the year, awarded to the first three toppers of the college.


The narration is was with good flow and indeed a theatrical piece.

"Look, the triplet of handsome and intelligent boys is here !!" And they would chuckle and giggle and smile at the blushing girl, whose crush was someone from our group.

We never gave a thought at that, until one afternoon, when an incident happened with me.
-
That afternoon, at about 2, George, Hunny and I were sitting in the library, completing the assignments together. The dead silence in the library was broken by the creaking of the glass door, followed by the tick tock of high heels. Nobody could resist and everyone's eyes rolled in that direction. There she was, Shanaya, the Miss Freshers of the college. She was indeed beautiful, but for me beauty didn't matter much, as I was focussed on studies that time. She came and sat at the table right beside me. I peeped through the corner of my spectacles and saw her reading a magazine that she carried.


Realistic! I got the picture running in my head. It was intriguing. The admired the elegancy in your script.

paper under the sheet on which I was solving my assignment. I gasped. Before George or Hunny could notice anything, I quickly placed my palm on it.

After finishing the assignment, I asked George and Hunny to go ahead and wait for me, and also assured them that I will be back in a few minutes. I made up an excuse and stayed back in the library. I quickly removed that note.


ooh, I like suspense come romance. The expression of the hero when the shanaya tucked the note made laugh.Though, I wonder why he did not show the note to his friends. I see the deep bond between them. I hope you'll be unleashing it in next chapter.

Anticipating what it is written in the note. Keep writing. This was good. Enjoyed it.

Onto the next chapter. :)




Eros says...


Thank you so much !!



Sree says...


Your welcome :)



User avatar
54 Reviews


Points: 3205
Reviews: 54

Donate
Sun Jun 17, 2018 8:38 pm
View Likes
shaniac wrote a review...



Hello, shaniac here to review your piece!

I like the idea that you have presented here and the idea about starting off with the narrator excited about going into a college. I feel like this could relate to several people as college is just around the corner for some. That idea also gives me a bit of wondering if there will be something bad happening later on as the novel progresses. Even the title seems a bit suspenseful because usually when there's a note, something bad may happen. But, something good can come from it.

I like the description of the school. Though, aside from that, I kind of want more as to why the narrator feels as though he couldn't leave. I do realize that it may because of how the school looks and such but I feel like there is a bit more to the school. Also, ending of the sentence after the description feels unfinished. Maybe you could add a small thing that shows the narrator walking around the campus, enjoying the nice air.

I was doing my graduation in engineering in one of the top college of our state.


The sentence is a bit wonky and when I read it aloud, I noticed a few things that I'd like to suggest. For example, instead of "engineering in", you could say "engineering at". Since there could be more colleges in the state, I suggest changing "college" to "colleges" to show that. And finally, "of" should be "in" because the college is within the state. If you make those corrections, the sentence will be clearer and run smoother for those that are reading it.

In the same vein as mentioned before, there are times in this chapter that switch verb tense. I think you should focus on making this chapter in the past due to the first paragraph mentioning that this the narrator *was* at the college for graduation. Small things like that could be caught if you read over or give it to someone else to peer read it. That way, you can pick out small stuff or make changes that seem fitting to you.

The next part is you shouldn't give out what is going to happen to the narrator. You should hint at it, so for the thing that is going to distract the narrator from accomplishing his goals, you could just go ahead and skip to where he gets the letter. Placing a disclaimer that he will be getting the note is kind of off-putting, but does give the reader something to look forward to. The same goes for the ending. It is a little rushed for an ending but it is a nice cliffhanger for what is going to happen later. Maybe even hint at his response to the letter to wrap it up.

To cap, I think you do have a nice idea going on here but I feel like you have to figure out the tense that you are wanting to write in that way, later on, you can have a keen way of how to write this. Have a good day/night and if you have any questions, let me know!




Eros says...


Yeah so true ... I will definitely make those changes ...

Thanks a lot for your review !!



User avatar
15 Reviews


Points: 85
Reviews: 15

Donate
Fri Jun 15, 2018 11:40 pm
View Likes
ryanmakenna wrote a review...



Alright, so you have a good idea. I like the setting: freshman in college, loving his new home, working hard to get that education he'd always dreamed of. However, I feel like you haven't developed him any further than that. It all seems a bit shallow. To make a really strong character, you should be able to answer questions such as: "What is his favorite color and why?", "Why does he want an engineering degree so badly?", "Where does he come from, what's his family like?", "Was he loved and nurtured as a child, or abandoned and left to fend for himself?". These types of questions may seem like way too much at first, but once you delve into who your character is and you as the author know everything there is to know about him, your audience will want to know more about him. Right now, he's just a 2D guy who doesn't even have a name to us (don't know if that was an intentional choice, or if you couldn't find a way to introduce him without it seeming awkward. If it's the latter, conversation is always a great way to introduce your character's name. Just have him talking with his friends, and one of them can casually drop his name so the reader has the main character's name without him having to awkwardly introduce himself through his inner monologue).

Next, I'd like to just point out that if you ever find yourself using the words "very", "really", or "so", you can probably find a better adjective to describe what you want. I would say it's fine to use those during dialogue, since they are after all college dudes and it's normal to talk using those words to place emphasis where you want, but in your writing you should always try to find more inventive ways to give emphasis where you need it.

There are also just a few parts that are worded weirdly. It almost sounds like you're going in a round-a-bout way saying something in order to just get more words in. I'll give an example.

"The incident engaged me into some other thoughts that distracted me from my goals of becoming a successful engineer and to achieve that trophy."

If you read it aloud, it sounds awkward. It would be better to keep it simple. A way to fix this particular example would be: "That incident was somehow able to distract me from my studies to becoming a successful engineer and achieving that trophy." Sometimes simple is better, but it really comes down to your decision as an author. My advice would be that if you think the sentence might be a little awkward, read it out loud. If you read it out loud, you can usually tell what needs to be changed.

Lastly, I would say add more emotion. Tell us how it makes your character feel, how his body is reacting. Is her nervous that this beautiful girl just gave him a note? Does it make his palms sweat and his heart race? Is he angry at himself for being so easily distracted? Does he feel bad for lying to his bros? If you use emotion, it makes your reader feel what your character is feeling. We are engaged in what is going on, and the emotion is what will make us really want to know what is in that note and read the next chapter. Stir our curiosity by showing us how curious your main character is to find out what's in the note!

So yeah! I honestly think you've got a great thing going, but it just needs more development and better word choice.




Eros says...


Yes ...all that is coming in the next chapter ... I will probably publish it today itself, as I have holidays, I have lots of time right now ...I was Working on the chapter 2 yesterday and all these things are there in the second chapter...

But I loved this review... Thank you so much !!




I'm officially making it my goal in life to become a roomba. I want to be little robot. I want knives taped to me. I want to be free.
— TheMulticoloredCyr