She closed her eyes when I kissed her forehead, softly. She pulled me closer, very slowly. There was complete silence in the house. The golden Rays of the setting sun made her dark purple eye shadow shine. I was so close to her.
Oh Shanaya, I don't want to leave you ...stay in my arms, you beautiful lady ... I want to embrace you into my chest ...Oh Shanaya ...Shanaya ...
I leaned in. Now I could hear her breath. I was going crazy for her ... I tiltled my head and started to move my lips slowly towards her eyes ...Her magnetic eyes.
Suddenly my digital wrist watch made a sharp beep sound ... Once ...twice ... Thrice--- I pulled myself back. My watch caught Shanaya's attention. I felt as if the watch has snatched her attention from me, like a powerful, fat guy snatches a lollipop from a kid's little hands.
She looked and screamed, "Oh it is 5:55 pm ! My mom asked me to come back home as some guests are going to come, I need to GO !!"
"Shanaya----- please don't go", I said as my heart ordered me.
"Seenu, the sun has set ...it is already rainy season and before it gets darker I have to go"
"Don't worry about darkness, Shanaya, I will drop you by my car..."
She touched my cheeks with both her hands and said,"No, Seenu, guests will be coming. It would be awkward to go home late ..."
No Shanaya ... Please, I long for you ... I want you, Shanaya ...Please don't go, I want to spend the whole night with you ...
"Absolutely fine !", I hugged her and went with her towards the door of the house.
She put on her sandals and walked gracefully out of the house. I kept on gazing at her until her image finally disappeared.
I was lost in thoughts and I still stood there at the door.
"She is gone." I heard the familiar voice ...my conscience.
"You should accept that you love her."
"I am not ready for that."
"You are, you don't just realize it."
"Is it ...?", I was left thinking the whole night.
The next day at college, Shanaya came running to me and handed me an invitation card. I felt satisfaction when I saw her.
Last night I was craving for seeing you ... And now here you are, right in front of me.
I felt as if the rains of her beauty was soothing the scorching heat that had been burning the land of my heart.
"Open it, what are you thinking, stupid !"
I smiled and opened it.
I like it when you call me stupid... It makes you look so mischievous.
It was an invitation card of her birthday.
"Oh my God ! Your birthday is coming !?"
She smiled and said, "You are coming at my home and my parents also wanted to meet you, so this is a nice time..."
"Your parents--- what did you tell about me to them?"
"I told them that you are very handsome and the topper of our college and also that you are someone more than just a friend."
"Umm ...okay, I will come tomorrow, 6 pm, at your house."
"Yeah I would be waiting."
Then we went to attend our respective classes.
Next day, 6 pm, at her house ...
An aesthetic pleasure filled my heart with pure happiness when I walked through the big flower garden of her house, with the gift wrapped in silver paper. Her house was a lavish bungalow. The smell of the flowers was so intense that my shirt started to smell the same way.
I crossed the garden and reached the golden painted door. I pressed the bell. Shanaya opened the door, and I whispered in her ear, "You look beautiful..."
She blushed and welcomed me in. I saw that there were a few guests on the verge of leaving. As soon as they left, Shanaya introduced me to her mom and dad. Her dad was dressed in a black coat and black pants. I came to know he was a leading business tycoon, Sanjay Singhania.
Her mom was dressed in a blue saree. Shanaya's features were identical to her mother. His dad asked me my branch of engineering and about my parents. From the talk that I had with her parents, I felt that they were modern and not conservative at all. Shanaya once told me that her mom and dad married each other after they fell in love.
I could see that her dad started to like me on the first meeting itself.
I gave the gift to Shanaya, wished her, savoured the delicious food served to me by the servant of their house. Her mom forced me to eat so much that I felt I wouod not be able to move.
"My daughter told me about your achievement and since then I always wanted to meet you, son", her dad said.
"My---achievement...Uncle you mean my car?"
"Yes, I want to see it"
I felt so happy, her dad appreciated me and my car like my own father.
The party got over, I showed my car to her parents and I left. I had made a good impression of myself before her parents on the very first meet.
Shanaya called me that night.
"You reached home?", Shanaya said from the other side.
"Yes, baby."
"I loved the teddy bear and especially loved how the name Seenu is pinned to it"
"You loved it?"
"As much as I love you..."
I went blank...
"I ...I love you too", I said it, confidently.
"Okay we will meet tomorrow at the college, bye and goodnight !"
"Goodnight !"
"Don't keep thinking all night and go to sleep right now"
I loved how she expressed her care in the commanded style.
"Yes, dear, good night !"
I went to sleep instantly.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hi, this was an interesting chapter! I'm glad that the Seenu-Shanaya relationship is finally back together for real!
It looks like the other review touched up on all the grammar, so I'll focus more on the content.
Since this chapter is called "Meeting her parents", I think you should spend more time on the part where he meets her parents. In the part where Seenu meets her parents, you do a little too much telling and not enough showing, which makes it a little anti-climactic. Instead of describing the conversation that makes Shanaya's parents like Seenu, write out what they say and make it very clear why what he says would make them like him.
Also, I don't think there is enough emotional tension. How does Seenu feel at the party? Is he nervous to meet her parents? Eager? How does he feel after? Relieved? Satisfied?
Character flaws are also important to make the characters real and lovable. Seenu and Shanaya seem a little too perfect. What are their secret flaws? Insecurities? Making them perfect and putting too much stress on their abilities makes them a little unreal and distant from the reader.
Overall, great chapter! Can't wait to see where this goes next.
Thank you so much, your review was helpful!
Hey, Eros! Ink here to punt this from the Green Room for Review Day, so let's get to it!
The very first thing I noticed was the sheer number of ellipses. There are a lot. I don't understand why it's necessary to include so many. It breaks up the narrative in a bad way, and it looks very unprofessional. I've noticed that a lot of more inexperienced writers misuse ellipses, so if you just cut down on using them, you'll look a lot more professional.
This article has two brief explanations of what uses ellipses can have: https://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/ellipses.asp
The main thing is to not overuse them.
Your prose needs a lot of work. The most important thing you need to improve is your grammar. It's not great, and bad grammar can affect your readers' perception of the story. There are a lot of other problems that you have with your prose, but before you can focus on improving those, you need to improve your grammar and spelling ability.
I also noticed that you have a problem with telling instead of showing. The entire story feels like it's being relayed second-hand. Your goal should be to make the readers feel like they're watching the story unfold, not like someone is telling them something that happened.
I'm a pretty big fan of this article: Show and Tell
Overall, this just didn't feel complete. The narrative is missing important aspects of detail that make a story feel whole. However, I believe that you can improve this!
If you have any questions, feel free to ask!
~Ink
Thank you so much, Ink! I agree with the things said and I will try to edit a few things.
This is Weirdo, here for a review. Please know that nothing in this review is meant to offend you or your story. This is just my opinion, you and other readers and reviewers could disagree. That being said, let us get into this review. I will try not to repeat anything that I said in the reviews of previous chapters.
What I liked
You have improved comparatively, that is amazing. Good work.
Grammar/Typos/Word check/Spell check
(the bold is what has to be corrected)
*
R-rays*Oh,
*in
*Oh,
*tilted
*wristwatch
*pm!
*GO!!
*the darkness
*for
Remove the space between the words and exclamation marks.
*to
*Yeah,
*at
*would
*Uncle,
*Okay,
What Else?
Everything important I said in previous reviews-
Spoiler
Shanaya and Seenu being flawless.
More backstory needed for all characters.
More thoughts and feelings.
All of this applies to this chapter. I feel there are a lot of missed opportunities to add thoughts and feelings, and backstory.
Like, what did Seenu feel when Shanaya handed him the invitation? Suprised? Nervous about meeting her parents?
Even adding something like a habit (example- fidget with something in his hands, cross his fingers etc) of Seenu's when he got nervous or felt any other feeling, would make the character more believable.
Overall
Good to read. Has potential. Hope my review helped.
Good luck writing
-Prachi
Your reviews are really helpful... Thank you so much!