I felt bad about what I said to George and Hunny and the way I behaved with them. So I decided to apologise for everything and get my brothers back.
Before going to college, I texted George and Hunny and asked them to meet me in the library after the first lecture.
After the first lecture, I rushed to the library. I was not sure if they would come. I felt they would still be angry at me because of all I said and did.
After about 5 minutes, I saw both of them coming towards me, waving their hands. I waved my hands too, and started walking towards their direction. I hugged both of them and apologized. They smiled and asked me not to say sorry and also said that it wasn't my fault.
George and Hunny were also of my branch, mechanical.
We attended the lectures and till then, all I was thinking was how to convince them about Shanaya being a nice girl and that she would not do anything like what they said.
In the canteen that day,
Hunny asked, "How is Shanaya by the way?"
"She...she is fine---" I answered awkwardly, as there has not been any talk about girls in our group in past.
"Oh, Seenu ...I am asking what do you feel about her?", Asked Hunny again.
I thought that I won't get any other suitable time to convince them about her.
"Shanaya is no less intelligent than us, friends. She is from software branch and her goals are as clear as us. She is caring and I don't really think she would do like what you say. She is not distracting me as you---"
I stopped as I saw Shanaya coming towards us. She was wearing a black net-textured top and a blue jeans that matched perfectly with her blue eyes. Her hair was tied up in a little pony tail, and a thick layer of hair covering her one eye. She came and sat next to George. She was right in front of me.
I introduced her to my friends. Soon we ordered some food and we started chatting and giggling as we savoured it. She was not shy like most of the girls. She mingled with us, and I could guess by the expressions on Hunny's and George's face that they were impressed with Shanaya's behaviour. I could see that they made good friends with Shanaya.
After we finished eating we went to our classroom to attend the next lectures. In the lectures I could not think of anything except Shanaya ... Her lake-like blue eyes, her black silky hair, her charming attractive beauty ... I was not aware of what the professor was talking. I could not see any letter written on the board, all I could see was Shanaya, Shanaya and Shanaya...
"Seenu?" Asked George.
I could not hear him. I was lost in her thoughts.
George shook my body and said, "Seenu ! What are you doing?"
"What am I doing? I am listening to the professor---", I tried to hide my feelings.
George rolled his eyes and started listening to the lecture. He knew I was lost in Shanaya. But perhaps he did not want the quarrel to occur so soon after our patch up.
After the lectures, we went to play soccer in the college playground. There I realised that Shanaya was not only distracting my focus in studies, but also my soccer.
I was standing as the goal keeper and George and Hunny took turns to practice making goals. I missed the first shot of George, and George scored a goal. Next was Hunny's turn and he kicked the ball with all his might and the ball spinned with high angular velocity and with a high rpm, and before I could make any move, it slammed on my face with such a great impact that I fainted instantly and fell down with a loud thud on the ground.
Points:
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125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
This is Weirdo, here for a review. Please know that nothing in this review is meant to offend you or your story. This is just my opinion, you and other readers and reviewers could disagree. That being said, let us get into this review. I will try not to repeat anything that has already been said by ryanmakenna, or what I said in the review of Chapter 1.
What I Liked
How Seenu is distracted by Shanaya. It made the story more real.
Grammar/Typos/Word check/Spell check
(the bold is what has to be corrected)
*
ablue jeans*ponytail
*lectures,
*Seenu!
*goalkeeper
*spun
Story
Over here, they pretend as though nothing had happened at all the previous day. I get that some people get really angry about something and cool of later, but this does not happen with everyone, so you should mention that. Also, Seenu is getting things very easily. He seems like the sort of guy for whom things always work themselves out. This kind of makes the story a bit boring to me This is only my opinion, different people will react to the story in different ways, but as writers, we should be able to catch the attention of at least 80%(according to me) of the readers who read our work. I would like to see Seenu work to get George and Hunny back as friends.
Over here, you have used words like angular velocity and high rpm. I get that you are writing from the POV of someone who studies a lot, but using some words which are a bit simpler. Some people may not know the meaning of those terms.
Overall
As I said earlier, your novel has a lot of potential. I would like to see you grow as a writer. I will probably review the other chapters of Lust. Also, I forgot to mention this earlier, I think the title of your novel is amazing.
-Prachi
Thank you so much ! Your review is helping me to improve a lot !
Glad to help
Alright so I like the progress that's being made. Seenu is starting to become more believable, but there is still a lot of missed opportunities for you to show us the emotions he feels. You almost had it when Shanaya walks up to them when they are all sitting together and Seenu stops talking! I could picture what was going on, how he was feeling, how he must have been nervous for her to meet his friends, and how beautiful she looked, but as a reader I don't want to have to imagine all that for myself. I want to read about it, to hear it from Seenu's point of view. That's what really makes reading interesting, because as a reader, I could be imagining something totally different than what you actually want to portray. What if Seenu is actually filled with joy that she is bold and wanted to meet his friends? I wouldn't know because you didn't show us how he felt.
You have all the action in this chapter, which does good with the "showing vs telling" policy, but now I am just missing the emotion.
One part I really loved was when you said "I was lost in her thoughts." Grammatically, it should have been "I was lost in thought thinking of her", but I love how it seems as though Seenu is not only completely distracted by her, but it's almost as though he believes he is lost wandering in her mind, not his own. That shows an even deeper level of distraction. That was great!
I really want to know more about what the friends are like. In my first review, I mentioned how you should know everything there is to know about your main character--what his favorite color is, his favorite food, how he grew up, etc., but you should also be able to answer those questions for all of your characters, not just your main guy Seenu. I am really interested about Hunny's name. It is such an interesting and unusual name, how did he get it? Is it a nickname or his real name? Does it mean something? And how are George and Hunny different? Is Hunny outgoing, while George is reserved? Who has been friends with Seenu the longest? Who was hurt most by his choice to hang out with Shanaya more than them? All of these things would be great to add to your story.
Hey, you have lots of creative ideas ! I will definitely add all of this !