z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Unorthodox Thieves (Chap. 4): Claud, Mikhail, and Night Watch

by EnderFlash


Oi. I’m here. Yay. Chris' picture, courtesy of my friend @pricklicactus, but she's never on IG anyways, so just know it's her. (AND SHE SAYS IT'S BAD URGHH)

===

“No.” The tall man, probably in his middle to late twenties, glared at them.

“Aw, come on, Claud!” Reyna dropped her bat on the ground and swung an arm over the disgruntled man’s shoulder. “Why won’t you let them join?”

“Because you’re an irresponsible idiot and Mikhail” –here he pointed to a short albino who squeaked and wilted at the mention- “is a total pushover, so clearly I have to be the one to make the decisions. And I say that letting total strangers come with us is a death sentence.” Claud folded his arms, fixing Lucius and Wila with a distrusting look. His blue polo shirt was faded and decorated with suspicious red stains. He peered at the Lucius in particular, scanning the other man’s appearance. “You look especially suspicious. With those kinds of clothes and attitude, one would think that you're a criminal. Probably are, actually.”

“Hey!” Lucius took quite some offense to that. “Maybe I just wasn’t raised next to a fashion store, okay?”

“That’s not my point,” Claud groaned, blocking another one of Reyna’s hug attempts. “Look, I don’t have personal issues with you, but I’m trying to play it safe. Plus, there aren’t really any advantages to teaming up with you two. So sorry, I’d rather not.”

Reyna visibly deflated upon seeing Claud’s wall of logic crush the prospect of more friends. She turned to Mikhail, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him over. “I want a vote! You agree with me, right, Mickey?”

Mikhail gulped when everyone’s gaze turned to him. “W-well,” he began, eyeing his two friends, “S-sorry Reyna, b-but I’m with C-Claud on this.” The teenage boy glanced at Lucius and Wila, almost afraid of how they would react to his words.

Lucius frowned while Wila brightened up.

“Well, that’s too bad then!” Wila didn’t even bother hiding her relief. “C’mon, Luc-luc, let’s go!”

“What do I need to do to stay?” Lucius ignored Wila and stared at Claud, keeping his posture stiff and his face impassive. Wila was a kind person, and it was because of this that she would not be able to give him what he wanted. The trio in front of him, or Reyna to be specific, was his best bet.

“Why do you want to stay?” Claud shot back. If anything, Lucius’ words apparently made him more suspicious.

Lucius hesitated, running over a couple of believable lies in his head. He thought about it, and then decided that the truth would make things much easier in the long run. “I want to see the specifics of the exchange system so that I can use it later.”

The others blinked. Silence reigned for a while.

“See, he’s cool! Let’s let ‘em come!” Reyna was the first to speak, and of course, her reasoning made no sense. She was smiling and poking Claud in the shoulder.

“Reyna, he basically stated that he has intentions to kill someone,” the other man said, exasperated.

“And now that I’ve told you, you can be properly guarded around me,” Lucius said. “Please. I’m sure that you understand my reasons.”

Before Claud could launch another tirade on the stupidity of agreeing, Reyna slapped her hand over his mouth and brought her face in close, practically rubbing her cheek against his. “Come on! Don’t you trust me to keep our backs safe?”

Lucius had expected Claud to protest and shove her away, possibly pointing out that he did not, in fact, trust a reckless idiot to keep them safe. So when Claud froze, the tips of his ears tinged red, before jerkily nodding, Lucius as well as Wila were stupefied.

Reyna cheered and let go, spinning in a circle. Mikhail looked at his two companions in a mixture of pity and fondness. Claud coughed, switching between looking ashamed and glaring at the two new additions to their group.

Wila let out a whistle. She didn’t look as angry as Lucius expected her to be, which was a good thing. “So, you-“

“Shut up.” Claud turned around and squared his shoulders, making it a point not to look at anyone. “You two, go make yourselves useful and get some firewood.”

“A-actually, w-we d-don’t need a-any,” Mikhail pointed out, pointing upwards to where the half-moon shone through the tree leaves. “I-it’s time t-to sleep, s-so…”

“Right!” Claud faced them again, a strained smile on his face. “Who’s up for first watch, then?”

“I’ll do it!” Reyna waved her arm in the air like an eager student who knew the answer to the teacher’s question.

“Actually, Reyna, I can do it. I’m not sleepy.” Lucius also raised his hand, but in a much calmer way than the woman did.

“I don’t trust you to watch our defenseless forms just yet,” Claud frowned, shaking his head.

“Then we can do it together!” Reyna exclaimed. “I can also make sure he doesn’t backstab us or run off with Wila here.”

Lucius braced himself for another of Claud’s complaints, but surprisingly, the man only nodded. With that resolved, the others laid down on the grass, getting into various sleeping positions. Wila curled up like before, as did Mikhail. Claud just laced his fingers and rested his hands on his stomach, lying in an uncomfortable-looking, stiff position. It wasn’t long before Reyna and Lucius were the only two awake in the vicinity.

“So,” Lucius whispered, bored. He took a step closer to Reyna so that it was easier to quietly communicate.

“What’s your question?”

“What?” Lucius gave Reyna a questioning look. Hearing her speak in a soft and serious tone was weird.

“Don’t give me that. Claud isn’t awake to interrupt us every few seconds, so go ahead and ask me whatever you want right now,” Reyna said, absently peeling some bark off of her bat.

“Well,” Lucius started, hoping that the subject wasn’t too touchy, “You’ve already killed some people, right?”

“Yup.” She didn’t even hesitate. Her nonchalance was a bit frightening, but it encouraged Lucius to continue.

“Does it matter how you do it? Or do the specifics just not count?”

“Eh, I don’t think so.” Reyna shrugged, her head tilted in thought. “But I only punish the bad guys. If I see someone who’s life doesn’t matter, then I go ahead and take away whatever of theirs. Don’t worry, I don’t hurt the undeserving.” She gave him a smile that was probably supposed to be reassuring.

What a black and white way to see things, Lucius thought. A muffled screech broke the silence, making Lucius stiffen. “Where’d that come from?”

The woman didn’t look shaken. “Seems pretty far away, so we should be fine. It was probably the death scream of another participant.” Upon seeing Lucius’ panic, Reyna rolled her eyes. “Oh, come on, Lucius, there are lots of other people in this arena. We’re not the only ones who want to change things in their lives.”

“You handle this death stuff pretty calmly, huh?” Lucius raised an eyebrow. His heart was beating faster than usual, but he made sure not to let anything show on the outside.

This time, Reyna gave him a flat stare, making Lucius wish that she would just stick to unnerving smiles. “If you see someone freak out over a kill, it’s either their first time, or they just won’t survive long. Personally, I think you’ll do fine!”

“Right,” Lucius muttered, distracting himself by inspecting the sleeping people on the ground. Wila was giggling about something and pawing at the ground in her slumber.

Reyna gave him another one of her bright, toothy grins. She patted him on the back. “Hey, you can come with me the next time we get attacked! After watching me a few times, you can try killing someone by yourself!”

She talked as if they were discussing how to build something and not how to murder a person. Mutely nodding, Lucius leaning against a tree and wondered if taking away a life was as easy as Reyna made it out to be. Probably not. 

Now that he thought about it, the screech he had heard earlier with Wila didn't sound that much like a bird's.


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Fri Aug 21, 2015 3:29 am
Ventomology wrote a review...



UGH. I am a terrible companion for not reaching this sooner. (Not that the boys are any better. Honestly! They should have beaten me to this one.)

Anyways, I shall move onto the review pronto.

Note 1: Body language speaks louder than words.

For the most part, you do a pretty good job conveying your characters' emotions and movement. Reyna and Mikhail are even characterized almost entirely by your description of their action and speech.

However, a lot of the subtler things, like concern, gratitude, and pity, are difficult to describe, and you end up simply using those words to give more to how one person looks at another. This works just fine, but I think you can try describing the faces of people experiencing such emotion. What happens to someone's lips when they are concerned? I know I tend to purse them and stay silent. Does fondness in Mikhail's case involve happy nostalgia that might make him crack a smile? Would it make hollow cheeks seem more full?

There are always questions you can ask about how a character shows emotion, especially the deeper ones apart from being happy or sad or angry. Go forth and be adventurous about it!

Note 2: Calm down Mikhail just a bit.

Stuttering is a great tactic for characterizing the tone of a character's dialogue. I use it quite often, actually, in moments where someone is surprised, terrified, or nervous. However, you may want to keep the hyphens to only two or three words out of the whole. They clutter the words, and your readers will understand how Mikhail talks with only a few of them. Using the verbs 'stutter' and 'stammer,' as well as phrases about tripping over tongues will also help.

Impressions:

1. I swear every time I get to your piece, it's like the tone gets darker. I knew by chapter two that things would get gritty, but I hardly imagined things getting so dark so fast.

2. Reyna is pure terror now. Like, even I think Claud and Mikhail will end up being far safer allies than she is, as her black-and-white way of thinking gives her an almost hero-complex that makes her so much more deadly than she would be with any other set of morals. (Well, I suppose that a Me-versus-the-world mindset would be more deadly, but then she wouldn't have allies.) If I had to pick a character who would ultimately turn out to be a villain in Lucius's eyes, I would pick Reyna.

3. Sometimes, I half wonder if Lucius will be the biggest villain in his own story. It is very clear in this chapter that he plans on picking his victim soon, and that someone in Reyna's group might be it. I predict that he will fail, and something about the circumstances will twist his personality. A fall to darkness, you could say.

As always, you keep this story very engaging. I'm almost scared to see where it will go. (It is amazing how quickly I've fallen in love with your characters. I don't want any of them to die or make stupid decisions!)

Until I calm down enough to read chapter five, adieu!
-Buggie




EnderFlash says...


As usual, an awesome review, Buggy. I'll definitey work on Mikhail- Lately, I've been searching up how to realistically write stuttering without making it annoying, and I'm trying to limit it to when he's nervous.



EnderFlash says...


I swear I live for your guys' impressions. That includes the others, of course. I love seeing what reactions to events and characters are :)



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Sun Aug 09, 2015 10:15 pm
Sillia wrote a review...



Sillia here!

“Because you’re an irresponsible idiot and Mikhail here” –here he pointed to a short albino who squeaked and wilted at the mention-


So i already like where this is going so far even though I haven't read any previous chapters! One suggestion i can make, don't use the same word twice in a row. So instead of "here"-here" try maybe taking it out.

His blue polo shirt was faded and decorated with suspicious red stains. He peered at the Lucius in particular, scanning the other man’s appearance. “You look especially suspicious. With those kinds of clothes and attitude, one would think that you were a criminal. Probably were, actually.”

Nice description! Though were is a past tense term, as you well know and would better fit someone that's probably dead. Try "one would think that you are a criminal" or even it might add more interest if you put "one would think that you were a criminal. Probably are, actually."

OOOOOOOO I really like this!! I am really interested and confused because i didn't read the other chapters! This is really good though! I might have to go back and read the others!! Good job! besides the things that I pointed out i can't figure out what else to say! I loved it! Your detail is amazing! I look forward to reading more! :D

Keep writing,
<3 Sillia




EnderFlash says...


Thank you! :D I'm glad you like it ^^




A Prince of Darkness Is a Gentleman
— William Shakespeare