z

Young Writers Society



Unorthodox Thieves (Chap. 22): Not Quite There

by EnderFlash


“L-Lucius?” Silently, Mikhail rolled onto his feet and straightened up, his pinched brow and protruding tongue warned of an unpleasant entrance into the conversation. The muted image of agility was then blown away with a sneeze, followed by an exaggerated shiver. Omnipresent shadows hung from a great lattice of branches, blocking the sun. “We should probably get going…”

“Mm?” Lucius wished that he had infinity to make his decision, and his frustration projected throughout his body. His face twisted in displeasure, and his fingers dug into his coat. Inside his boots, his feet curled as much as the earth would allow. “Mikhail, what do you think of Wila's... circumastances?”

A pair of hazel eyes beheld Mikhail with the utmost desperation. The girl mouthed something. Her hands were pointedly held out.

Hands tugging at his short sleeves and feet pivoting on the soles, Mikhail looked up, to the side, and back to the others. “.. Lucius, I think that-“

“Oh, come on!” There was no need for Mikhail to continue, because the fact that the boy was addressing Lucius with an apologetic tone was proof enough that he sympathized with Wila. If Lucius wasn’t convinced enough that there was a conspiracy between the two before, he was certain of it now. “What is between you two?”

“Nothing that you need to be concerned about,” Wila replied with a curtness that could not hide her relief. Her mouth tugged into a grin and she went over to Mikhail, patting him on the head. It looked quite strange, since she wasn’t all that taller than him. Realizing how unsupportive her actions were for her words, she stopped.

“Seriously.” Lucius was not willing to let this slide as a joke another time. The two had done well before, distracting him with personal matters and transitions into comedy, but a veil of simmering patience felt like it had enwrapped his mind. His brain stood alert, prepared to pick out any inconsistencies and turn them into reasons for a full-blown tantrum. “At least tell me the general idea of what was discussed before coming in here, and hopefully that’ll answer Mikhail’s questionable loyalties.”

The two exchanged glances. Mikhail sighed and Wila shrugged. Both held themselves with apprehension but also with an acceptance that meant the relationship didn’t have to be completely hidden.

“Alrightie, Luc, listen up,” Wila began. She bent down and cleared the grass of twigs and dry leaves, then flopped down. Her position was so casual that Lucius began to doubt if the matter was serious at all. “So if you haven’t guessed by now, we sort of know each other. Before this group, of course.”

“In the… outside world?” For some reason, Lucius avoided the world ‘real’. By calling the previous world real, it would imply that this one was fake. This arena, despite its bending of space and logic, felt too real. Perhaps it was the blood, the death of the unnamed woman, or just the people he knew here. No matter which, Lucius could not full-heartedly denounce this place into a land of fantasies. “Like Reyna and Claud?”

“No, no, that’d be way too convenient. The world isn’t that small, no matter how the saying goes,” she said, and before Lucius could ask what the saying was in the first place, she continued with a wave of the hand. Her sleeve slipped down further and Lucius caught the glinting tip of a knife. “I, um, knew a friend that he made in the arena. Travelled with her for a while. Left before he met her, though.”

“Wait, so what does this have to do with all this trust?” An eyebrow was raised. “Mikhail, if you trust her not to kill us all because of a friend that you made in here after the two separated, that’s some serious assumptions.”

“She… was a good judge of character,” Mikhail slowly said, rolling his words through a rusty filter. “She would always… talk about Wila. That’s why I thought I knew her before. When we were walking th-through the forest where we met.”

“Stop playing me for a fool,” Lucius growled. The two’s numerous moments of confusion and uncertainty eroded away the story’s plausibility. “I don’t care if it’s about some long lost love or if you guys are cousins four times removed. What’s the issue here?”

“Lucius, it’s really had to say. Is there no way you’re going to let us off the hook?” The girl’s face was as pale as the moon, in great contrast to the sunny disposition earlier, giving away the emotions beneath that neutral expression. She rubbed her hands together. Her lips moved and Mikhail sharply twisted his head to glare at her.

Instead of saying anything, Lucius squared his shoulders and stared above their heads. It was sign enough that he wasn’t giving in.

Wila pulled several blades of grass right off, squeezing her fists tight. Then, she let out a long breath and the grass fluttered to the ground. Grass that had been cut off from its life source could blend in with its flourishing neighbors remarkably well. “Alright. Let’s… talk while we walk. I don’t feel comfortable giving information here. Also, no judging.”


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1274 Reviews


Points: 35774
Reviews: 1274

Donate
Sun Jan 31, 2016 9:38 pm
niteowl wrote a review...



Hello again! Niteowl here to review for the Sanguine Warriors this fine Review Day!

Omnipresent shadows hung from a great lattice of branches, denying the three from the sun’s reach.


I've seen these kind of odd sentences in other chapters. I think it's best to be as straightforward with the descriptive sentences as possible. I like the first part, but after the comma I would simply put "...branches, blocking the sun's reach."

Inside his boots, his feet curled as much as the earth would allow. “Mikhail, what do you think?”


Do you mean Wila? Mikhail just said he wants to get going.

The light seemed to intensify around her, happiness shooting off in all directions and rebounding against Lucius’s portable force field of anger and gloom.


This is another really weird sentence. I don't have any real suggestions for it, though.

Lucius was not willing to let this tramp off as a joke another time.


"Tramp off" is a weird slang term I've never heard before. At first, I thought he was calling Wila a tramp. I don't know if this is a regional difference or what (I'm from the US, if that explains anything), but I would consider using a different term to make the meaning more clear, like "Lucius would not let this slide again."

"No, no, that’d be way too much convenience."


More weirdness. It sounds more natural as "No, no, that'd be way too convenient." [/quote]

I'm not sure I like the way this chapter ended. Too wishy-washy. I read the next chapter last night, so I know what they're dancing around here. I think it would be better to end on that revelation,

Spoiler! :
essentially, "We killed her."


and have the next chapter be the explanation. When I'm reading published books, chapters that end on that sort of "bombshell" are always the most suspenseful...I must know what happens next.

Keep writing! :)




EnderFlash says...


Your reviews are really helpful, you know that? Thank you xD



EnderFlash says...


Your reviews are really helpful, you know that? Thank you xD



niteowl says...


You're welcome! :D I wasn't sure how helpful I was, since my reviews all felt so short and I don't normally reviews novels haha.



User avatar
557 Reviews


Points: 33593
Reviews: 557

Donate
Wed Dec 30, 2015 3:27 am
Ventomology wrote a review...



Whenever I read nice reviews, I am reminded of how harsh a person I tend to be... Never underestimate yourself because of something I say, alright?

Now then, onwards and upwards!

General Comments:

It is certainly fun to be vague sometimes. However, it is also important to know when you should and should not be vague. (This concept applies to many things, such as adding spicy peppers to food. I once ate Mapo Tofu so hot my tongue was numb for an entire day.)

We have moments like those dark and shadowy prologue/inserts where conspiracies are revealed and people do suspicious things like murder without the main protagonist's knowledge. Those are okay moments for sly avoidance of a solid subject.

On the other hand, in a case where the reader knows (and you want them to know) who is who, being vague is an offense. Case in point, the beginning of this chapter, where we don't know whose eyes are hazel, and Wila is referred to as "the girl." That was confusing. Pretty, but still confusing.

Details:

1. That thing about dead grass blending into its surroundings was totally a reference to the dead bodies disappearing, right? Either way, I did like it.

2. I'm not sure about the use of 'impart' in Wila's speech. She strikes me as a more casual speaker, less likely to use a word so often associated with wisdom and elderly characters. Plus, she doesn't have an established pattern of occasionally throwing in odd words.

Plot, Characterization, and Misc. Items:

1. Ooh. We finally learn some of the secrets hidden in Wila and Mikhail's closets. I'm rather excited to read that.

2. The transition between this chapter and the last was basically nonexistent. You may want to add some clarification somewhere, if you can find the time for it.

And I believe that wraps up the review! I'm all caught up now, so I'll be back next week. Hopefully.

Again, have a fabulous review day!
-Buggie




User avatar
13 Reviews


Points: 956
Reviews: 13

Donate
Tue Dec 22, 2015 5:03 am
View Likes
ScarletDreams16 wrote a review...



Greetings! Scarlet here for a review. I'm going to be honest, I did not read any of the previous chapters. One is because I'm lazy and two is because I need reviews...Sorry. I might go back and read from chapter-one eventually. I did like this chapter even though I had no idea what was going on.

Since I was confused with the plotline I paid more attention to your actual writing style. I will say that I am slightly, if not incredibly, envious. You have an amazing way with words. That says a lot because I'm two years older than you and my writings well...

I was confused, yet entertained by your sheer skill. I don't have any criticism, though I kind of wished I did. If you would be so kind to take a look at my work and give me some tips I would be grateful.

Really amazing job. Still jealous but Happy Holidays!


ScarletDreams16


+ 1 Like
+ 1 Follow




EnderFlash says...


Oh, I'm touched! (///-A-///) Really, I'm easily won over- you just made my dad (or technically night)! I'll be sure to read some of your stuff after catching up with some reviews I've promised to others.



EnderFlash says...


I wrote 'dad'. Kill me. I meant 'day'.





I know, lol. It's okay, really, don't worry about it.




Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before.
— Captain James T. Kirk