Hullo! I've not read any previous parts so if I say anything you feel you've covered in an earlier chapter, please feel free to ignore me!
Specifics
1.
This sentence is snappier without even' in it and the word doesn't add anything to what you're saying. There's a small group of filler words like this to watch out for - just and very being another two - which are often good in dialogue but not in general prose. They slow down your pace and don't say anything new. They actually take away from the emphasis which they are there to create.By the time Lucius and the groupevenstarted walking, the sky was transforming into a neon orange streaked with yellow.
2.
The phrase 'irritation a rather fitting expression' means nothing to your readers as you haven't explained why. What makes his features work so well with irritation? Is it the way his large, dark brows furrow or does he have a scar and therefore the frown makes him look menacing? Try to describe some part of his face so we can picture him rather than telling us that he looks good irritated.“Shush.” Chris appeared between them, irritation a rather fitting expression on him. “Can’t you hear the ruckus? You’ll get us caught.”
3.
For a man that was facing an unknown number of likely assailants, Lucius didn’t feel nearly as scared as hefelt heshould. Yes, there was panic, and definitely worry, but therewasn’tweren't any heart-dropping, pulse-quickening emotions.
4.
This sentence feels weird because it's almost like the writer speaking to the reader and being like oh yeah, I forgot this guy was here too, better make him say something. Maybe describe the main character turning in surprise as he realises Mikhail is still with them or something if he really is a forgettable character. Show us he was forgotten rather than telling us.“Um,” Mikhail said. He had been forgotten. “W-we can just avoid them… r-right?” He was already glancing to the side, as if ready to take off as soon as he got the okay.
Overall
This was a fun read! I think the confrontation at the end was well described and exciting and the dialogue had a great sensation of being strained and wary. The earlier part of the chapter dragged a bit and it felt like filler dialogue so maybe look at shortening that or giving it more meaning - have them talk about something of significance instead of whether the area is safe or not. That can be covered in a couple of lines.
I wouldn't mind more description of the arena as well but since they've been here a chapter or two already you've probably covered that in the last part. If not, maybe something to think about.
The character of Mikhail could also use some more lines and actions because at the moment the only sense of him I have is that he's quiet but the group don't choose to launch the surprise attack on him despite him being at the back of the group? So either they see him as being insignificant and want to take one of the bigger guys out or the main character looks weak and easy to pick off? I don't know. But some more dialogue around who would do what in a fight when they're discussing whether to run or not would help with that. Maybe Mikhail can say 'I couldn't hit anyone' or he can claim that he could take on someone twice his size?
Best of luck with this!
~Heather
Points: 6235
Reviews: 2631
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