i remember how it felt when everything seemed to be fine and suddenly
I
lost
control
and
watched
the
blood
D
R
I
P
down
and
down
until it
formed a
puddle at my feet, mixing with my tears.
-
my tears
F
A
L
L
I
N
G
until they couldn't anymore.
-
Until I became that little girl who wanted her mother
whowantedtobelovedandheldsotightlyagainsthermothersbreast
whos world was f a l l i n g a p a r t
just like the skin on her wrists
and the tears s t r e a m i n g d o w n her face
she was back to the before
and felt a pain she could not bear
-
this
little girl
once
so
small.
-
grew up.
she grew
and grew
and grew.
-
as she got older
she went from being loud
to being quiet.
-
shebecameagirlwhospokequietlyandmumbledallherwordsintoonelongsentence.
-
she hid her pain so no one would ever see it.
"im doing okay"
suicide.
self harm
depression.
Anxiety.
the pain is unbearable.
i am trapped here.
get me out i want it to end i want to die and i want to disappear and scream.
i need help.
You arent hearing me.
You arent seeing me.
please daddy. save me from this pain. notice your baby.
she said.
-
and became the person who is seen as the problem she is today.
the problem that seems like it never ends and is never stopped and is never warm enough and happy enough and pretty enough and smart enough and brave enough and willing enough to change because she never ends and can never be fixed because she will never be enough of anything to be seen as someone worth loving and fixing and she will never be seen as someone who isn't a problem.
now.
she.
is.
silenced.
-
and sometimes
all she wants to do
is let it all
drip
down
and
down
and
down
and
down
and
down
and
down
and
down
and
down
until it stops,
-
until she can breathe again.
-
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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140,094 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
The actual copy of this poem that i wrote looks different. I used different sized fonts to emphasize the growth of the character, but publishing it here lots a little bit of that!I hope you enjoy
hello! momo here with a review for this amazing poem :)
wow. i can't really explain how this poem makes me feel, but i love it so much. i've read a lot of poetry in my lifetime, and this one is one of the most relatable. so many people struggle with mental health and don't know how to explain it to others, but you express it so well in this poem. i love how it's not structured into stanzas the entire time, but the format changes with the words and the topic of each section. i have a few things to note so let's get into it!
this is the only capitalized I in the poem, and it stands out seeing as most of the poem is lowercase.
the only other thing i noticed was in the beginning. the D R I P and F A L L I N G stuck out to me. the other sections of the poem that are written l i k e t h i s are lowercase, but these two words aren't. totally up to you, but i would change them to lowercase.
that's all! thank you for writing this; i'm sure it wasn't easy to, but you did it and i'm glad you did.
keep writing,
momo
thank you, mom! i appreciate your wonderful review
I meant Momo, not mom bahahahaha sorry XD
Hello, Ailah!
Firstly, let me just say, this poem actually made me tear up. Reading this, it kind of came through as spoken word which is the most beautiful, emotional, and captivating form of poetry, in my opinion. This piece had so much emotion, and I mean so much, that I had to take a breath and compose myself before writing this review.
One thing I loved about this was the format. You don't see many pieces nowadays that are written so that you read it exactly how the writer wants you to, and you completed that accomplishment right here in this piece.
There is one grammar mistake, I'm not sure if this was for emphasis, so please correct me if I'm wrong:
The double "a"s in 'breast' may be spelled incorrectly.
Overall, this is a wonderful piece and I can't wait to read more work like this!
With love, Leya
THANK YOU for pointing that out! i appreciate your review!
hey hey! it's tea here to review your wonderful poem!
was very impactful. when I read this, I felt that in my heart. Often times, people do turn into people who string all their words into sentences when they become nervous or a shadow of themself. I also liked the linefirstly (things I like):
the line:
I liked your use of bolding and italics, which can be hard to use in poetry. Nice work!
two (improvement):
I don't think you have anything to improve on...
maybe that extra a in breast?
three (conclusion):
I have always loved your poetry. Not only was this an emotion rollercoaster of a poem, it felt so vivid. You painted this scene so well, and I can't wait to see what else you make.
Yours truly,
-tea >;3
this was a lovely review Tea and it helps me a lot!!! thank you much!!
This is a rather heartbreaking poem, definitely a hard one to get through. But get through I did, and enjoy it as a piece of poetry I did. This was heavily stylized, and I appreciate how it was. The best styles are the ones that compliment the substance of the work. Often, writers will fall into the trappings of making something look interesting to read, but not giving any deeper though to the design of that look. You managed to bridge that gap very well.
"shebecameagirlwhospokequietlyandmumbledallherwordsintoonelongsentence."
Here, the use of cramming words together clearly supplements the message being given, and helps us better understand the character and her mannerisms by forcing us to read the line in the same way she speaks.
---
"as she got older
she went from being loud
to being quiet."
---
And here, while simple in premise and execution, you effectively use bold text to emphasize loudness, and italics to emphasize quiet. Again, simple but effect. These aren't just flavors to the story, but key ingredients. It's the difference between a cook randomly throwing spices into their dish, versus purposefully selecting them to enhance the meal.
My favorite iteration of this is how you separated the "Down and Down" lines near the end, much like blood trickles down. And as I'm writing this, I just realized that the lines "She grew, and grew" get progressively longer as she grows too. This is the type of poem that can be read multiple times, and you'll notice something new each time.
All this is to say, good work. It was a rather morbid and depressing premise to write on, but you did it justice.
Thanks so much for your great review. It means a lot
Have a wonderful day, friend!