Young Writers Society

I really love this! The way you wrote it is as if the narrator is sobbing uncontrollably and gasping for air in between phrases (at least that's how I imagined it). I can also imagine the narrator is ranting out to someone about it or at least shouting it out loud for herself to hear. That's how powerful the poem is. The broken lines take your breath away as if you are sobbing along with her. For the theme, there is a heavy atmosphere of loneliness and an evident separation for control. It also touches upon themes of masking your true self as seen in lines such as "she invites me to come back the person who i have worked so hard to become." It's interesting that you talk about it this way because it's as if she made up a personality to cope up with her "friends". However, her "friends" want the persona the narrator made instead of the narrator's true self. Overall, you did a great job describing the inner turmoil and struggles of a person. Great job!

Hello!
This poem conveys a strong sense of loneliness and a fear of losing control. It portrays a poignant moment where the narrator feels isolated and disconnected from the people around them, who appear to be joyfully united and unaware of the emotional turmoil the narrator is experiencing. The contrast between the narrator's internal state and the external atmosphere creates a powerful sense of vulnerability.

The repetition of phrases such as "right now," "in this exact moment," and "together" emphasizes the immediate presence of others, contrasting with the narrator's perception of being alone. This repetition effectively amplifies the feelings of isolation and alienation, drawing attention to the stark difference between the narrator's internal reality and the external world.

The mention of a past version of the narrator, along with the fear of reverting to that state, adds another layer of complexity to the poem. It highlights the narrator's personal growth and the effort they have invested in becoming a different person. The vulnerability expressed here suggests a deep concern about losing progress and regressing to a previous, perhaps more difficult, state of being.

The final lines of the poem indicate a desperate plea for control, underscoring the narrator's determination not to repeat past mistakes or experiences. The fear of losing again is palpable and evokes a sense of desperation and anxiety.

Overall, the poem effectively captures the emotions of loneliness, fear, and the desire for control. The use of repetition and contrasting imagery contributes to the intensity of the narrator's emotions. It invites readers to empathize with the narrator's struggles and reflect on their own experiences of vulnerability and the quest for self-preservation.

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Hey, there! Just leaving a quick review. First of all, I think the way this poem is broken into lines actually flows quite well. It takes a certain sense and skill to structure an unstructured, unrhymed poem into a form that keeps it moving smoothly and emphasizes just the right parts. That being said, I would advise to watch out for sounding choppy when you do this. Most or all of your lines are very short, so maybe think of how you could combine some of them differently to get a different feel and flow.

I don't mind a poem that has no capitalization, as long as that is consistent throughout the whole thing. I would, however, advise making sure you're apostrophes are present in possessive forms of words, contractions, and other places where they would normally belong. I noticed you used "theyre" with no apostrophe, so that's why I'm saying this. Even if you don't choose to capitalize or use a lot of punctuation, apostrophes will help words look less like they are misspelled. (Maybe the lack of one in this instance was just an accidental oversight, Idk.)

Overall, you have done fairly well at conveying the tone, the emotion, the insight into the narrator's thoughts and feelings. Good work with that. I think the overall idea you're getting at comes through pretty clearly.

Well, that's all for now. Wish I had time to write more, but thanks for sharing this poem, and keep up the good work!

Hi everyone! This is Ina also knows as loveissourgapes reviewing/commenting your poem. This poem of yours is very nice. That's why I planned on writing another review. I am shocked it has no reviews or comments yet. Anyways, let's get into it.

First impressions about this poem was like the person is talking about how they feel and see people laughing, together and unware of how you feel. And that you become your old self, someone you wanted to get rid of. You worked hard to get rid of this old self but she comes back. Then, the self you worked hard to be is slipping far away and the description of the new person that is slipping away is as if she wasn't real. You pray that you get to control and stay in control.

This is feels like a sudden wave of sadness getting randomly while seeing other people having fun and you just not having the same mood as you. Like you feel like the bad side of your old self that you fought hard to get rid of. And the good side of your new self is slipping away. To be honest, this is like the worst feeling ever. And you just hope and pray to take control over these emotion but I am telling yo based on experience that is a bad way to stop these sudden wave of sadness. You just prepare for what is about to come and remember how you got rid of this old self. And strive to learn more to fight back this old self, take advise from people you trust. Ask people for help and tell them how to improve yourself and this old self who has come back to you randomly.

Writing wise, I felt like the poem feels chopped like the ending could've been better and that you should explain more about how your old self and your new self was like, what less do you pray for and what do you want to control. The ending also seemed repetitive. I have written something like this too but I thought it was too repetitive and shows not that much emotion than how I felt it.

But overall, it's great. Keep writing. Have a blessed morning, afternoon or evening everyone. Stay safe.