Young Writers Society

Yupe sounding way better! The ending is sounding better. But either way i liked the end.

With the colors of fake emotion
And the black lines of your imaginary reality

Those two lines really stuck out to me. It sounded really good. I really liked it. And keep on writiing in the free world.

Thanks for the comments. I know it's nothing new. I wrote this more to get it out of my head then for the sake of writing something that hadn't been seen before.

I reread the poem and cut out some pieces. Is this any better?

I don't know what I ever did
I never meant to do a thing
I never meant to crush you
Though you seem to think you're crushed

I can't believe that I’m a threat
I'm just your average little girl
I just forget to conform most days
I like to be exactly who I am
No pretending that I’m like Barbie

But oh yes
Something else that I forgot
You want me to be like that
That's what you understand

I suppose that you were comfortable
Waking every morning
And putting on your little painted mask
And walking into a room full of girls like you
With masks painted just like yours
I suppose you were comfortable
Where everyone was pretending to be real
Playing house like small children
Moving their friends around like little dolls
I suppose that you thought that that was real

Until I walked in
And you realized that real
Was not this silly game of masks

I suppose it was hard to see
That someone didn't need to be like that
Could leave the mask at home
And just be honestly flawed

When I walked in
Did you think that you needed to find a way
To make me conform to your rules
And your over emphasized game of masks?

I never meant to be a threat to you
Never meant to be anything but real
I'm sorry that I've become that to you
But I'm even sorrier that I broke down
Sorry that I joined into your game of masks

Because I've borrowed your paints
And I've embellished on my mask
It's fit now to play in your games
No longer simply white and empty
Made only to hide behind
Now it's covered
In the reds you call passion
And the blues you call care
It’s filled from edge to edge
With the colors of fake emotion
And the black lines of your imaginary reality

You and I both know that this isn't real
And we also both know
That I hate this game of masks…

i liked the idea behind this. the idea is over-used and nothing i haven't read before but you managed ot make it sound interesting and a little fresh and it kept me readin thorughout. i especially liked the fourth verse, the comparison to small children playing house was good and pretty much made the poem from my perspective.

one thing it hought was that it was too long, you used too many words to express your point. this made the poem feel overcrowded. i think you need to streamline it a little, look for the verses or lines you feel are most important and/or the best and cut out the rest.

in a simple way: your poem is a little fat. put it on a diet

another thing i liked is the title.

and i can definitely, 100% relate.