Hey there duskglimmer.
I've reviewed quite a few of your poems, so I'll try and limit myself on how much I talk about the style wrapped up here. There is a little bit going on with the structure, which is better than what you had before but still something in need of work. I like how some of the stanzas are set up but I feel like you could get more creative with the line spacing, especially some of those lines that are supposed to be more dramatic than others. Consider a structure that might look a bit more like this:
I hurt you
I know I did
But I never meant to
You have to believe that
But you've never
Even heard me say it
Because we haven't talked
The big issue I often see with structure things is when people decided to bundle everything together, trying to keep those ideas together, when they really need a bit of space. That's apparent in the ideas that I see happening here, where they might do with a bit of space in between each of these things with a supposed big impact. Just changing up this point of the structure will change the feel of the poem a lot.
Because as it stands, it's just another cliche about bad breakups and so it doesn't do anything for me as an audience member. I'm sure it speaks to some part of the readers who have experienced such relationships or friendships, and want to reconnect to someone. Poems like this always bother me because they're really only speaking to this one margin and poetry sort of exists to be interpreted on many levels. To be seen on so many levels rather than just me saying "yep it's a love poem. move along."
So good try.
Put some more work in.
Like please put in some punctuation.
Happy revmo.
- lizz
Points: 650
Reviews: 766
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