I haven't talked to you in ages
You haven't talked to me
We've spoken
Said hello
Passed words back and forth
In the air between us
But we haven't talked
I want to
Want to hear your voice
and listen to the kind of things
That you used to say
But they just don't come out
Anymore
And I don't know how to coax them out
I hurt you
I know I did
But I never meant to
You have to believe that
But you've never
Even heard me say it
Because we haven't talked
I want to scream
To tell you these tumbling words
That are flooding my throat
To shout and yell until you hear me
Really hear me.
But all you keep saying
Is that I don't show remorse
And you don't even say that
To my face
I wish that I could show you
Just how much this is tearing me up
I wish that I could make you understand
That I'm feeling the pain too
That I didn't want things to turn out this way
But they did
You reallywant remorse?
Then I'll give it to you
A million useless words
That say only as much as you let them
That you don't really hear
And I don't really say
Anything so that we'll talk
Anything...
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140,227 Literary Works • 673,048 Reviews
Hey there duskglimmer.
I've reviewed quite a few of your poems, so I'll try and limit myself on how much I talk about the style wrapped up here. There is a little bit going on with the structure, which is better than what you had before but still something in need of work. I like how some of the stanzas are set up but I feel like you could get more creative with the line spacing, especially some of those lines that are supposed to be more dramatic than others. Consider a structure that might look a bit more like this:
The big issue I often see with structure things is when people decided to bundle everything together, trying to keep those ideas together, when they really need a bit of space. That's apparent in the ideas that I see happening here, where they might do with a bit of space in between each of these things with a supposed big impact. Just changing up this point of the structure will change the feel of the poem a lot.
Because as it stands, it's just another cliche about bad breakups and so it doesn't do anything for me as an audience member. I'm sure it speaks to some part of the readers who have experienced such relationships or friendships, and want to reconnect to someone. Poems like this always bother me because they're really only speaking to this one margin and poetry sort of exists to be interpreted on many levels. To be seen on so many levels rather than just me saying "yep it's a love poem. move along."
So good try.
Put some more work in.
Like please put in some punctuation.
Happy revmo.
- lizz
I didn't really like the way the lines were broken up. It made the poem kind of choppy. The poem itself was okay, but the flow definitely needs some work.
Group it all together and make it a letter to somebody. It's a lot better that way. And that's all I can say.