We share the same genes ,
and sometimes the same jeans.
So, Is it a coincidence that
He got all good traits
And I have to use my appearance as bait?
I respect him and the way he lives,
but that doesn’t mean I have to follow it.
So Is it a coincidence that
When I studied hard
and got good marks,
He was already a topper
With a million certificate cards?
He was one of the students
Who has a stardom like a celebrity star.
Where I was busy having my face,
protected from scars.
Because it was my only weapon,
To seek attention.
So Is it a coincidence that he
got that confidence with which
he can have whatever he wants
and I have to listen to taunts
from uncles and aunts?
They always said insultingly,
That I always embarrassed him.
And “They” includes family friends
And those few people whom I hate.
And for your information
My parents are also included.
So Is it a coincidence that
They always look up to him
and They pity me
for being a useless thing?
But why can’t they understand
That being pitied is more shameful
than being shadowed by him
I don’t hate him that much you think
but I just want to ask humbly
Why Is it a coincidence that
He is my big brother
and I am his useless little bro?
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140,788 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Dang, I wish I could relate better to this, but again, this is phenomenal writing because it is so real and plain. You invoked emotion over something I have never experienced. It is easier to write emotionally when it is clear that you are not the character you portray. There is no fear of judgement. I wonder though, how you get in the heads of your characters as thoroughly as you do? How do you know how this sort of thing would feel?
Thank you so much! Your reviews are very motivational!
I just sit at one place and think how my character would be feeling
Than I put those feelings into words .
I read some quotes about the topics I am writing it helps a lot
Hi! Hannah here for a quick review. First of all, I feel like this is very well written and expresses very well the frustration of being left out and not getting any attention. There were just a few minor, nit-picky grammar mistakes:
"the same genes ," the comma is a couple spaces after the word.
"So, Is it" the I in is should not be capitalized.
"So, Is it" again.
"Where I was busy having my face,
protected from scars." Where should be when, and no comma after face.
"So Is it" again.
"And "They" always". "They" should not be capitalized.
"So Is it" again.
"and They pity me" the T in they should not be capitalized.
"Why Is it" the I in is should not be capitalized.
But overall a great poem! I hope to hear more from you, keep writing, have a good day and Merry Christmas!
Hannah
Thanks for the review
I was just editing my first work to get rid of the grammatical mistakes
and I needed some suggestions
That's why I asked you to review
Hey Imaginative Alice! Katja here to review your poem! Please feel free to disregard any and all comments/suggestions I make if you find them unhelpful~
Overall Thoughts
Your poem seems to express the frustration and perhaps even anguish experienced by a younger brother who is overshadowed by an older brother. As it unfolds, the family and friends of the younger brother are even, from the perspective of the younger brother, treating him very differently as a result. I like that your piece really accurately conveys the emotions felt in such a situation, and I feel like it is a rather relatable issue for younger siblings to feel like they are viewed and treated differently for being younger.
Suggestions
As it is a poem, I would recommend going forward, to focus on the flow and rhythm of your poetry. It doesn't have to be strict or formal, but it helps read smoothly when each line naturally flows into the next. Rhythm in some cases can help each line sound connected as they are being read. There were a few places in your poem that felt really forced or unnaturally connected to the next line which made reading feel less natural. For example, these two lines didn't flow very well when read....
That's all I have for suggestions!
Final Thoughts
I like that your poem really conveys the emotional turmoil experienced in this situation, and really allows the reader to get a glimpse into the mind of someone experiencing these emotions. It is a very sad thing to feel less than a sibling, or like your family is comparing you to a sibling all the time. I like that the poem felt more like a vulnerable conversation then say a formal imagery focused poem. The less formal structure definitely helped that and worked with the meaning. Overall, well done on your first poem! I hope to read more of your work soon!
Keep Writing,
~Katja
Thanks for the review I am looking forward into posting another work and I am very excited to get started with young writer society
Hey Alice! Nice poem, thank you so much for sharing. I have mostly grammar-corrections, here they are:
1.
I don't think the quotation marks are needed here.
2.
*Lives
3.
should be:
4.
If you want to write it past tense - go for it! If you want it to be present tense - that's great, too. You just have to stick to it and not change it as the poem continues.
5.
should be:
That's it! I really like the ending of the poem, it's moving and carries the main statement with it.
Hope some of this helps. Keep writing!
Omer.
Thanks for the review
it is my first work and you are special because you gave the first review for which I was waiting