We share the same genes , and sometimes the same jeans. So, Is it a coincidence that He got all good traits And I have to use my appearance as bait? I respect him and the way he lives, but that doesn’t mean I have to follow it. So Is it a coincidence that When I studied hard and got good marks, He was already a topper With a million certificate cards? He was one of the students Who has a stardom like a celebrity star. Where I was busy having my face, protected from scars. Because it was my only weapon, To seek attention. So Is it a coincidence that he got that confidence with which he can have whatever he wants and I have to listen to taunts from uncles and aunts? They always said insultingly, That I always embarrassed him. And “They” includes family friends And those few people whom I hate. And for your information My parents are also included. So Is it a coincidence that They always look up to him and They pity me for being a useless thing? But why can’t they understand That being pitied is more shameful than being shadowed by him I don’t hate him that much you think but I just want to ask humbly Why Is it a coincidence that He is my big brother and I am his useless little bro?
Dang, I wish I could relate better to this, but again, this is phenomenal writing because it is so real and plain. You invoked emotion over something I have never experienced. It is easier to write emotionally when it is clear that you are not the character you portray. There is no fear of judgement. I wonder though, how you get in the heads of your characters as thoroughly as you do? How do you know how this sort of thing would feel?
Hi! Hannah here for a quick review. First of all, I feel like this is very well written and expresses very well the frustration of being left out and not getting any attention. There were just a few minor, nit-picky grammar mistakes:
"the same genes ," the comma is a couple spaces after the word.
"So, Is it" the I in is should not be capitalized.
"So, Is it" again.
"Where I was busy having my face,
protected from scars." Where should be when, and no comma after face.
"So Is it" again.
"And "They" always". "They" should not be capitalized.
"So Is it" again.
"and They pity me" the T in they should not be capitalized.
"Why Is it" the I in is should not be capitalized.
But overall a great poem! I hope to hear more from you, keep writing, have a good day and Merry Christmas!
Hannah
Hey Imaginative Alice! Katja here to review your poem! Please feel free to disregard any and all comments/suggestions I make if you find them unhelpful~
Overall Thoughts
Your poem seems to express the frustration and perhaps even anguish experienced by a younger brother who is overshadowed by an older brother. As it unfolds, the family and friends of the younger brother are even, from the perspective of the younger brother, treating him very differently as a result. I like that your piece really accurately conveys the emotions felt in such a situation, and I feel like it is a rather relatable issue for younger siblings to feel like they are viewed and treated differently for being younger.
Suggestions
As it is a poem, I would recommend going forward, to focus on the flow and rhythm of your poetry. It doesn't have to be strict or formal, but it helps read smoothly when each line naturally flows into the next. Rhythm in some cases can help each line sound connected as they are being read. There were a few places in your poem that felt really forced or unnaturally connected to the next line which made reading feel less natural. For example, these two lines didn't flow very well when read....
He got all good traits
And I have to use my appearance as bait?
Hey Alice! Nice poem, thank you so much for sharing. I have mostly grammar-corrections, here they are:
1.
We share the same genes,
and sometimes the same “jeans.”
I respect him and the way he live
He was one of the student
Who has a stardom like a celebrity star.
He was one of the students
Who hasastardom like a celebrity-star.
They always said insultingly,
That I always embarrased him.
And “They” include family friends
And “They” includes family, friends
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