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Observations

by DreamyAlice


Observations

Finely wrapped in the flower petals
a baby was born free
into the spirits of spring
she laughed
cried
smiled
stumbled her way
in a garden full of sweet scents
colorful butterflies
warm sunlight
guiding her way toward summer

fast came the newly radiant sun
an age of sudden outbursts of energy
she learned different pleasures
new fruits
new tastes
she had already left her comfort
her home
an unconscious memory of warmness
she will never forget
yet
the course of the season led her to monsoon

An unending saga of rain of
sorrow?
excitement?
love?
confusion?
a boat sailed with no purpose
on the watery route of teenage
some become mold other mud
the choice was hers to
experience the rain by her window
in the safety of limitations
that will soon turn into
what seems like the end
autumn

She was learning to walk
for real now but autumn
had hit her wish of long strides
the maze of yellow wood
the crackling of leaves
will the mold of monsoon
become rigid or the
mud will turn into dust
the unpreparedness of winter
scared her

Down came the last phase
where everything rests
a breath of cold air
the green is now covered
with white frost
She is in real need of a
blanket now.


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274 Reviews

Points: 3742
Reviews: 274

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Fri Jun 09, 2023 7:12 pm
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cleverclogs wrote a review...



Hi! clogs here for my first review in 5 years, so I hope I can say something helpful.

I enjoyed how your poem took me through the different seasons. You chose very evocative words to describe each season, and it went a long way in conveying the feeling of each season. In fact, it almost makes it feel excessive when you name each season. You don't need to tell me that it's autumn because I already understood that from the "maze of yellow wood" and the "crackling of leaves." I think if you focus on just describing the environment, you won't need to specify what season it is, and it could make for a more natural transition between them.

I do think that this poem could benefit from a readthrough to make sure everything makes sense - I had to read through the third and fourth stanzas a few times because there were some line breaks and phrasings that threw me. For instance:

a boat sailed with no purpose

on the watery route of teenage

some become mold other mud


This read to me as though you missed a word or two to complete your thoughts. I was thinking, teenage what? Teenage years? Teenage dreams? It distracted me from reading the poem, and it seemed unintentional given that the rest of the poem reads much more naturally and easily.

I also want to say that I loved the ending - perfectly open-ended, but summative of the journey taken throughout the poem.

Keep up the good work!




DreamyAlice says...


Thanks for the suggestions, I appriciate it<3



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10 Reviews

Points: 125
Reviews: 10

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Fri Jun 09, 2023 3:33 am
tropicalmango wrote a review...



Hi, tropical mango here for a quick review.
I absolutely love poems with imagery, and there was an abundance of that here, along with the "open to personal interpretation" aspect of it which I liked a lot as well, making people question rather shoving answers down their throat.

Let's start with the comparisons of the 4 seasons of nature to the life cycle of a human. I thought this was absolutely brilliant, as the specialities of each season can be compared to a certain point of life.
The freshness, hope and vitality of spring compared to one's early years, the shining radiance of summer compared to one's prime, the mellow melancholy of autumn to one's gradual decline, and the frigid stillness of winter to the dying embers of a person's life.
The imagery matched each description perfectly to encompass the vibe and emotions of each season.

The title for this poem is really interesting as well, observations. While I don't quite understand the meaning behind it, I would propose other titles that seem to fit in better with this poem, such as "life cycle", or "the way the world spins". However maybe you have some hidden meaning behind the original title that I didn't quite get!

Overall, out of all the poems I have read on this sight(quite a lot I usually exclusively read poems), this one has been my favourite out of them all!!!
Keep up the brilliant work, I really look forward to reading more of your poetry!!!!
Lots of love, tropical mango :)




DreamyAlice says...


thanks for reading my poems and leaving reviews, I like our insights! And yes the title has a special meaning so i would want to keep it that way but your suggestions were great^-^




As a writer, I'm more interested in what people tell themselves happened rather than what actually happened.
— Kazuo Ishiguro