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Moonlight Shadows

by DreamyAlice


Moonlight Shadows

Frustrating was the flickering conflict of the heart.
Puerile me used to fear the inferno of fondness.
Dare not go near, in the embrace of its warmth.
But the choice of being scorched or immolate was beyond us...

Was it the fire I fretted or the amorphous shadow luring by its side?
The ethereal darkness of untold stories, of unknown feelings.
The gossip of fly ashes mingling around choked my flight,
to euphoria, sitting side by side with love beside the glowy burnings.

Now I turn to a different side, a different sight.
I want to show love, my naked self before the moonlight.
I want love, to laugh at my dancing silhouette.
Oh, the dreaming grey is too beautiful to remember this meaningless fight!

And no I am not lost
I am just letting go of the beast


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Sat Jun 10, 2023 5:14 am
alliyah wrote a review...



Hey Alice! Here to leave a review for your poem. :)

This poem has a very unique internal conflict portrayed - I took the poem to be a lament of a speaker that really wants to let their real feelings out, but they are afraid of that real-ness - of how that could consume them or hurt them in other ways if they were that honest, they decide ultimately they do want to be open and reveal who they are - and they don't consider themselves lost in this respect, but instead they see themselves as free.

I think the unique and unexpected thing about this poem is that there's a lot of danger portrayed with how the speaker is reflecting on showing themselves to the world. In the first and second stanza you use the image of fire to describe how it would look for their truth to be out - I would love to see that fire image incorporated into the 3rd stanza too in order to draw out that metaphor even more. You do a good job of using a little flight / bird imagery throughout, and I think this could even be a place to consider expanding on is that comparison.

You used a very elevated word choice for this, with some of the words very formal and archaic, which gave a certain "weightiness" to the poem that makes it seem even more serious - but it also gives a certain distance because the words seem less lived in and more for the sake of poetic point than organically occurring.

A few places where you may want to take a second look at the word choice - just as I was reading through...

Frustrating was the flickering conflict of the heart.
- I enjoy the alliteration of "frustrating / flickering" here - but usually I relate "Frustrating" with more of an "annoyed" feeling rather than a fearful / horrified / deeply conflicted feeling - since this is the first line of the poem it sets the tone up for what the reader is expecting - I might take a second look at that I think.

Puerile me used to fear the inferno of fondness
- this is another good use of alliteration - but "Puerile" is quite a rare word, I actually had to look it up to double check that I knew what it meant - the passive phrasing here where the description comes before the speaker or action causes a little bit of distance too.

But the choice of being scorched or immolate was beyond us...


I think "immolate" should be "immolated" here as it's a verb - so read the way you have it, it makes it seem like the speaker is the one who is going to burst into flames.

Oh, the dreaming grey is too beautiful to remember this meaningless fight!

This line confused me a little bit - was the "dreaming grey" in reference to the ashes in the sky or the askes made by something else, or that a reference to something entirely different.

Overall I really like how you created an ambience of spookiness and threat within the poem - I think you might experiment with ways to make the poem feel more personal - maybe even by trying to write a version without the rhyme scheme to see if that gives you some freedom / ideas, and then adding the rhyme scheme back in if you think it's worth it to keep in.

Thanks for sharing!

alliyah




DreamyAlice says...


Thanks for the review alliyah! I really love to get reviews by you^-^ I hope I could answer few of your questions asked:
1. I used 'Frustratung' as to tell that the writer is annoyed by the uncertainity of the things, they are scared of the risk of unsurity of how things will turn out. Maybe it doesn't make that much sense, i will think of changing it:)

2. "Dreaming grey" refers to the beautiful state easiness and calmness she finds herself now after all the confusion and inner conflicts.

I hope it all makes a little sense now lol.
Thanks for the suggestions<3



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Fri Jun 09, 2023 7:54 pm
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NadyaStatham wrote a review...



Hey there,

I'm here to leave you a review!

Image

First of all, I really liked this poem, I think you have really poured your heart into this while writing it. I loved the message very much and I think you did a great job diving this into different stanzas.

Your title is perfect, because it really reflects your work and I think it is the best possible title for this work.

And no I am not lost
I am just letting go of the beast


This is my absolute favourite part of the entire poem, I feel like this represents the main red line in the poem and it really says a lot. Great job on that!

I enjoyed reading this poem very much and I surely will read more of you soon!

Amazingly yours,
Rinisha

ps; I really love your username!




DreamyAlice says...


thanks I really appriciate your review! aww thanks for complimenting my username, that's very sweet of you<3



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Thu Jun 08, 2023 8:38 pm
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Valkyria wrote a review...



Hello Alice! I hope you're having a wonderful day. I saw that you posted your NaPo poems in the People Tab, so I thought I'd leave a quick review!

First Impressions: I loved the way you formatted the poem. The long lengths of the lines just add a piece of elegance to the poem. I also liked the two lines that ended the poem. It honestly reminded me of Emily Dickinson's poems. Of course, she's the only poet I actually know, so I may be biased lol. I also liked the vocabulary that you chose. I could choose any line out of the entire poem, and it could stand on its own.

One suggestion I would make is to add punctuation to the last stanza. Maybe it's a personal preference, but since you have punctuation throughout the whole poem, it should stay consistent.

But, overall, I really liked reading this poem!





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