Saw that you were looking for some eyes on this, so I thought I'd pop over and give it a look!
I really like what you're playing with here with lack of punctuation and the cadence of your capitalization. Those types of things can be so masterfully used in poetry to really convey a feeling. I also really like how at first your reader thinks the love story is about Miss moon and Mr Sun, but it turns out it's actually about the narrator and the reader themselves. That is such a fun narrative to bring forward into poetry.
I've gotta tell you though, the graphic behind this poem is pretty distracting and takes a lot of magic away that this poem would otherwise have. That, with the font, is pretty difficult to read (accessibility is important, even in creative license!) and because the image is pixelated, it makes it even more difficult to focus on the words of the poem. I've noticed that a lot of poets are experimenting with backgrounds behind their poetry lately on YWS, and I think it's a really fun trend that can give you a lot of creative expression and elaboration of story. But it's important to make sure that that creative expression isn't clouded by the image taking over the words of the poem. You want them to highlight the words, not distort them. I'm not saying get rid of the image all together, but something with a solid background and smaller images, or less dark colors might be better. Or even an image that isn't as pixelated. As an alternative, you could just post the poem in normal text and use the image as a cover! That way you could still feature your inspiration without it taking over what the poem is trying to say. It takes a lot of skill and practice to write poetry, embellishing it with superfluous font and images can make it even harder to get to the nitty gritty of what the poem is trying to say.
There are a few things that stood out to me as really excellent in this poem.
oftwo heavenly partners of sky
really love the of sky. I would delete that "of" at the beginning of the line for better clarity of image.
Miss moon and our Mr Sun
This is my first favorite line of this poem. Again, I love how you play with capitalization but also, I love how you say our Mr Sun, as though implying it just belongs to the narrator and the reader.
cause she gifted me
a beautiful star
Great ending. Love this.
two beautiful parts of life
this line isn't really necessary, you've already defined them as "two", and the beautiful parts of life lacks the level of imagery the rest of your poem has.
We shared stories, smiles, laughter and tears
and our little secrets as well
cut these two lines and merge stanza two and three for better clarity of image
You have a lot of repetitive words that could be pruned down to be more concise. For example, two/two in stanza one, myself/myself in stanza three, yet/yet in stanza six. Additionally, you over explain a lot of imagery and tell us what the imagery is rather than showing us. The same rule we live and breathe by in prose, show don't tell, is important in poetry too. An example of what I'm talking about would be stanza five, where you describe in great detail what Miss moon lacks without Mr Sun. This could be shown to us, instead of the narrator telling us "he gave her a reason to stand strong". How? What did he do? Was it always this way? How did it become this way? I think you're assuming the reader will understand the implications of the sun/moon relationship, but I want you to dig a little deeper into that and give us a poetic narrative that shows us why that relationship exists. I think that's where you'll find the pearl inside this poem.
You have a really good start with a quality narrative voice that could really take off! My best advice would be to get rid of the font and the graphic and focus on the words instead. Start implementing all the embellishment after you're comfortable with your poetic voice and the direction your poems are headed. Otherwise, it distracts from the solid work you've done!
Great job! Can't wait to read more!