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Miss Moon gifted me a star called U

by DreamyAlice


In normal text~

Wanna hear a love story?

Of two heavenly partners of sky,

beautiful parts of life,

Misty Moon and our Mr Sun.



Miss moon gave me good company,

so I made her my friend.

She seemed perfect,

shining brightly

and independently

in the darkness

of the scary night.

While I was lost,

afraid to act real,

scared to shine,

having the spotlight

all to myself.



Still it all came down to me as 

miss moon was still incomplete,

lonely and forgotten.

She showed her true and full self,

only when Mr Sun was by her side.



He gave her a reason to smile:)

and to stand strong

in the darkest of time.

Even when Mr Sun was not there,

she waited for that one night

patiently, when she could be herself.



It's all beautiful and sweet right?

At last its just a story,

giving foolish hopes 

and unrealistic dreams.

Yet

I holded on to my expectations,

wanting to be protected,

unconditionally loved,

tired of pretending strong.



Looks like Miss moon,

heard my silent sobs

and unrealistic hopes.

Cause she gifted me

a beautiful star 

called U


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354 Reviews

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Reviews: 354

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Sat Mar 11, 2023 6:52 pm
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LadySpark wrote a review...



Hi Alice!

Saw that you were looking for some eyes on this, so I thought I'd pop over and give it a look!

I really like what you're playing with here with lack of punctuation and the cadence of your capitalization. Those types of things can be so masterfully used in poetry to really convey a feeling. I also really like how at first your reader thinks the love story is about Miss moon and Mr Sun, but it turns out it's actually about the narrator and the reader themselves. That is such a fun narrative to bring forward into poetry.

I've gotta tell you though, the graphic behind this poem is pretty distracting and takes a lot of magic away that this poem would otherwise have. That, with the font, is pretty difficult to read (accessibility is important, even in creative license!) and because the image is pixelated, it makes it even more difficult to focus on the words of the poem. I've noticed that a lot of poets are experimenting with backgrounds behind their poetry lately on YWS, and I think it's a really fun trend that can give you a lot of creative expression and elaboration of story. But it's important to make sure that that creative expression isn't clouded by the image taking over the words of the poem. You want them to highlight the words, not distort them. I'm not saying get rid of the image all together, but something with a solid background and smaller images, or less dark colors might be better. Or even an image that isn't as pixelated. As an alternative, you could just post the poem in normal text and use the image as a cover! That way you could still feature your inspiration without it taking over what the poem is trying to say. It takes a lot of skill and practice to write poetry, embellishing it with superfluous font and images can make it even harder to get to the nitty gritty of what the poem is trying to say.

There are a few things that stood out to me as really excellent in this poem.

of two heavenly partners of sky

really love the of sky. I would delete that "of" at the beginning of the line for better clarity of image.

Miss moon and our Mr Sun

This is my first favorite line of this poem. Again, I love how you play with capitalization but also, I love how you say our Mr Sun, as though implying it just belongs to the narrator and the reader.

cause she gifted me
a beautiful star
called U

Great ending. Love this.

two beautiful parts of life

this line isn't really necessary, you've already defined them as "two", and the beautiful parts of life lacks the level of imagery the rest of your poem has.

We shared stories, smiles, laughter and tears
and our little secrets as well

cut these two lines and merge stanza two and three for better clarity of image

You have a lot of repetitive words that could be pruned down to be more concise. For example, two/two in stanza one, myself/myself in stanza three, yet/yet in stanza six. Additionally, you over explain a lot of imagery and tell us what the imagery is rather than showing us. The same rule we live and breathe by in prose, show don't tell, is important in poetry too. An example of what I'm talking about would be stanza five, where you describe in great detail what Miss moon lacks without Mr Sun. This could be shown to us, instead of the narrator telling us "he gave her a reason to stand strong". How? What did he do? Was it always this way? How did it become this way? I think you're assuming the reader will understand the implications of the sun/moon relationship, but I want you to dig a little deeper into that and give us a poetic narrative that shows us why that relationship exists. I think that's where you'll find the pearl inside this poem.

You have a really good start with a quality narrative voice that could really take off! My best advice would be to get rid of the font and the graphic and focus on the words instead. Start implementing all the embellishment after you're comfortable with your poetic voice and the direction your poems are headed. Otherwise, it distracts from the solid work you've done!

Great job! Can't wait to read more!
LadySpark




DreamyAlice says...


Thank you for tour wonderful review<3 I relaly apprieciate all the suggestiona and critisizm, I will try to edit out the things you mentioned and also make the font more clear as soon as I get the time. Would love to see your reviews on my orher works as well!



LadySpark says...


I plan on doing more reviews today, so of course, friend!



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9 Reviews

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Reviews: 9

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Sat Mar 11, 2023 6:17 pm
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Nini wrote a review...



It's soo beautiful>>> i really liked how you framed it so nicely and it came out be so meaningful. We always compared Moon & Sun but forgot how unseemingly they are important to each other and the beauty they hold among themselves. Misty moon & Mr Sun trully are heavenly partners of the sky as they've got someone so cherishing and supporting at their every phases. Loved the way you depicted >>




DreamyAlice says...


Thanks Nini for the review, apprieciate it<3




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