Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
Chapter 8:
Fox held Jack's and Jane's heads and made them face out into the open ocean. Her breathing was very uneven and fast.
“Fox,” Jack said, slowly losing his patience. “I’ll ask you again, why the hell are you doing this?”
Fox took a deep breath and then some incomprehensible blabber came out of her mouth.
“What?” Jane was puzzled. “Say it slower.”
“Dragon's… Boxers… Split…”
Jack and Jane exchanged disturbed glances.
“Fox, I really don't think the air out here is doing you any good-” Jack said.
“I'm being serious!” Fox argued.
“Now, unless you are gay, Jack, then I don't think you'd want to look.” Jane said.
“What if I am gay?” Jack asked. Jane simply moved away from him by a few steps.
“Either way, I won’t let you loo-” Fox was mid-sentence when suddenly, a bright golden light shone out from behind them. A few seconds passed, and the light was gone. Fox slowly turned around and gasped loudly. “Guys… Turn around…” she said, letting go of their heads. Jack and Jane turned around to have their breath completely taken away by the sight of what has become of Dragon Noir.
He was no longer humanoid. He was now a small, weak, black baby dragon.
Fox ran over to him and fell to her knees. She picked him up into her arms and looked at him as he opened his eyes. The little dragon made a quiet squeak and cuddled to Fox. She smiled warmly.
“He’s still our Dragon Noir.” she announced.
“Yeah, but you do realise he was probably the most powerful out of you three?” Jane pointed out. Fox scowled at her.
“Don’t you dare assume that we’re defenceless just because he’s become smaller,” she then turned back to Dragon with a sweet smile, “He’s still capable of helping us, right?”
Dragon squeaked in response.
“He’s much cuter now though.” Jack chuckled.
“Wait, you’re not going to stay a baby forever, are you?” Fox asked. Dragon squealed again.
“He can understand us, but he can’t speak normally by himself,” Jane analysed the new Dragon. “But it seems Fox can understand him quite well.”
“Mainly because I spent most of my life living with him under the same roof. We spent a lot of time in hiding before revealing ourselves.”
“Look, Fox, we don’t need your life story at the moment,” Jack interrupted before Jane could say any more. “Let’s just get to Scotland and there we’ll discuss things with my contact.”
“You’ve been talking about this contact person a lot, who are they?” Jane demanded.
“His name is Dr. Fergus Blackwood, he is a retired scientist who helped initiate the entire madness with our transformations. I think he'll be able to help us return Dragon into his normal form and maybe even turn us into humans. Before you ask, I am 100% sure that he is safe and that he won’t betray us. Unless he wishes to pay with his own blood.”
“If you say so.”
A few hours later, they arrived on North Donmouth Beach near Aberdeen in Scotland. They quickly left the boat and hid in some deep bushes.
“Ok,” Fox said. “Now, I’ll turn into my human form and we can go find this Dr Fergus-person.” Fox’s costume completely disappeared, giving light to a blouse with a flower pattern, along with navy jeans and pink and white trainers. Her brown hair turned less fluffy and the coloured slashes on her face were gone. Jack, however, remained as a cheetah.
“Aren’t you going to change into a human?” Jane asked.
“Oh, I don’t need to.” Jack replied “I can make people see me as a human.”
“Jeez, I’m wondering if you and Dragon are slightly too overpowered.”
“Well, if Dragon died, then I guess I can die too.”
“How about we be more optimistic for once?” Fox interrupted, a passive-aggressive smile growing on her face. They left the bushes, Fox cradled Dragon in her arms so that people could barely see him. Jack led them through the Golf field near the beach and onto The Parkway, a large road.
“Are you sure we’re going the right way?” Jane asked.
“Don’t question him when he clearly knows what he’s doing,” Fox replied. “Jack has never let me down, and he definitely won’t do that now.”
The group soon arrived in Middleton Park; a large residential area. Jack led them to a white house, which looked quite old and rundown.
“So this is here?” Fox asked. Jack nodded in response. They walked up to the door, Fox gazed into one of the windows to find one of the rooms completely empty. Jack knocked on the door what he thought was lightly, almost making the door crack. A minute later, the door was still closed.
“Maybe he’s gone somewhere…?” Jane suggested
“Too bad, he’s going to have a surprise when he’s back.” Jack said, smashing down the door. They walked into the house, it had nothing but old faded carpets and plain white walls. Fox entered a room at the far end of the corridor. As quickly as she entered, she leaped outside into the corridor with a scream. After her scream, there was silence. Until it was disturbed by Jack's and Jane's footsteps.
“What happened?” Jane asked.
“In…” Fox struggled to speak as she pointed towards the room. Dragon shivered in her arms. “In there…”
Jane and Jack looked inside to find the most revolting sight ever discovered.
Author's Note: Hello! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Also, no homophobia was intended here, I have nothing against homosexuals. I look forward to any feedback you may have and, once more, I hope you enjoyed the chapter!
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Just keep reviewing, just keep reviewing...
ERMAGERD SO CUTE! I'm assuming that's your profile picture?
Nit-picks:
That full stop should be a comma.
I'd quite like to see some of this journey. Even if it's all smooth sailing (not literally sailing necessarily), it could be a good moment for some conversation between the characters to give more depth to their relationships.
Hehe, I like this image/detail.
Overall:
Character: There are some nice interactions here with Fox talking about Jack. It makes it clear that she cares about Jack as much as Dragon, where you could have been in danger of Jack and Caruso seeming like minor support characters. It makes sense now for Jane to be so caught up in this action that she has to leave, but I think this should be mentioned.
Setting: This is done pretty well, not much critique here.
Plot: Ooooh I wonder where this is going. I think you might want the characters to at some point reflect on how violent they are. They aren't necessarily violent here, but they just barge into some guy's house (oh btw you might want to describe them doing this stealthily). This is all what they'd be likely to do, given their power and the danger they're in, but at some point they might need to reflect on the responsibility they have and the potential to wreck stuff they have.
Flow: Nothing other than that I'd like that boat scene. Would be a good opportunity for a bit of down time.
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
Hello again!
I hope I can keep up with this story again but you do make it pretty easy once I start reading again
I noticed someone said about the previous chapter but you really don't have a lot of in-depth description in your chapters like you could describe the house, taking in more of the details so the reading can really see it in their heads. Show us how the house is old and rundown, is it covered in ivy and moss, or is the broken cladding, shattered glass, garden overrun with weeds and thorns.
I think more time needs to be taken over Dragon turning into a baby dragon because it was too quick and I don't feel like I could properly take it in. Maybe you could do a bit more description on each character's emotions, joys, happiness relief but put into body language, facial expression, gestures. I think sometimes things are rushed that really shouldn't be and it can affect the whole chapter because that was the big thing but you didn't make it as big as it should be.
I have to say you are good at your endings and it makes me want to continue every time I read them so well done for that because that's something that can be quite difficult.
Overall, I do feel this one needs work but I do think there are really good parts like the beginning and the end. Happy writing ^_^
I'm back. You've probably figure that out by now owing to the big text block and the large black and blue letters above.
This seems like you're trying to add comedy, but it's not really working (for me) because Dragon's dead. That kind of ruins the effect. Or are you trying to make an excuse to not tell Jack, and if so, you should probably say so in the writing, because it doesn't make a ton of sense.I.
II. This seems like an odd reaction to getting shot, but I'll go with it. I would like to see a bit more of a transition. Maybe he develops a cocoon or something. It just seems a bit abrupt. Although, if truth be told, I'm excited to have our Dragon Noir back.
III. I know you aren't homophobic, Dragon (this being the author, not the character), but is Jane? That seems like a controversial choice. Honestly, I'd just erase the whole "Unless you're gay," "What if I am?" because it seems a bit forced and awkward. Also, Dragon's dead, can we just mourn him!? (Darn it, Jack, don't joke about dead people who are later revealed to be alive but are now baby dragons!)
IV. Dragon's back! You should be rejoicing, Jane, not complaining! Anyway, I don't feel like we've seen the full extent of Fox's powers and we haven't seen Jack's powers at all. I guess it makes sense that Jane would draw that conclusion, but I honestly wouldn't be surprised if Fox was at least his equal.
V. Jane seems too sure of herself here. Exactly how much experience does she have with crazy powerful human-dragon hybrids being shot with silver and turning into baby dragons? I'm not sure you get that experience on the police force.
VI. I may just be confused here, but wasn't it Jane's contact?
VII. Wait, they're going to one of the evil scientist cultists for help? That seems like a bad idea! And I get that they can threaten him and all, but I'm surprised that the enhanceds haven't killed him already if they know where he is.
VIII. This was confusing for me. It took me a while to figure out that he wasn't saying "Well, if Dragon's fine after he dies, then I must be, too!" However, we don't actually have any proof that Dragon CAN die. He survived the equivalent of a kryptonite bullet.
I agree with Pandemonium. It was nice to have a chapter that wasn't flooded with violence and death, although the pacing is still pretty fast. One suggestion I have is to add a few chapters where Dragon, Fox, Jane, Caruso, and Jack just go about every-day life. I mean, this whole thing has taken... a day? Two? And already, Jane seems fully a member of this secret organization of enhanceds. It would be nice to see what their personalities are like in an everyday setting.
Keep writing!
Feltrix
Hi, Dragon. Back again to review, as promised.
Ahh, I feel like I've been waiting for a chapter like this. It's much more low-key than the others, but that's what I like about it. Even though it's shorter, I feel like I get more opportunity to see the characters' personalities than I have in any of the others so far. And I knew Dragon would come back!
I'm not gonna lie; after the climax of chapter seven, I expected the reason behind Fox's freakout to be something a bit more dramatic than Dragon's boxers splitting. I mean, given that he's a corpse, it's hard to imagine that it would be a huge deal - it's not like he's there to be embarrassed about it. I can understand some awkwardness on Fox's part, but not heavy breathing and forcing people to look away kind of awkwardness. She seemed more shocked by a bit of nudity than she did by Dragon literally getting reincarnated before her eyes.
It's also...kind of weird that Jane would assume that looking at a dead guy's crotch would mean Jack was gay. It's a bit of a childish viewpoint, especially given the situation, and she's seemed quite level-headed up to now.
Anyway, onto more specific comments.
To echo MJ, I felt this was a bit of a strange line. Because saying that his boxers split isn't a particularly crazy thing to say.
*Squirts you with spray bottle* dialogue, DragonNoir!! No full stops before reporting clauses!
You mean 'had'. Tiny typo.
Just say 'squeaked'. 'Made a squeak' is a cumbersome way of expressing it.
The issue with this (aside from the fact that you've used a full stop instead of a comma! *squirts you with spray bottle again*) is I think it feels like she's come to terms with the situation too quickly. Like she's just seen him turn into a tiny dragon, scooped him up, and is suddenly at ease with everything. I'd expect more shock, more of a WTF moment, especially coming from Fox. The chapter is short, so you could definitely spend more time showing her freaking out at this sudden reincarnation.
Again, why isn't Jane more bewildered by the situation? She was crying all over his dead body earlier. I'd expect his rebirth to prompt some kind of confused elation into her, but instead she comes across as cold and cutting here.
This line would fit better if Fox had actually been rambling, but she wasn't. Two sentences is hardly spilling your life story, so he seems a bit harsh in saying this.
I also agree with MJ that I'd expect Fox to demand more information about this scientist contact before she agreed to go with Jack and meet up with him. She's a history of being passionate and stubborn so I find it hard to believe she wouldn't make a bigger fuss about it. Especially given that they don't have a great track record with scientists.
Haha, this made me laugh. Feels like a callout to my critiques.
I love the dialogue, but I think the bolded bit is too telling. If it were me, I'd delete it.
My last point would be an overall one. I think you could stand to have some more description. It's good to be sparing with it, but you dedicate so little time to depicting the scene that it's often left completely up to the imagination. The characters appear in a bit of a void. Adding a bit of description will also pad the scenes out too and stop them being too dialogue-heavy.
That's all I've to say for this time. Hope this helped! I will be eagerly awaiting chapter nine.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Hey there,
This is more sentimental than we're used to seeing Fox, and it seems more in character for her to give a sassy quip or something along those lines.MJ swinging by as promised for a quick review! This was a pretty short chapter, so hopefully my feedback will be as well.
I think that Fox's reaction was a bit extreme. If they've been living together for a long time, chances are pretty high that she will have seen that at some point, maybe while Dragon was changing or after a shower. Jack's response also seemed a little unconventional, because it doesn't really seem like Fox is going crazy. Instead, it might be better to suggest that Jack thought that Fox was behaving strangely out of grief and should get her some medical attention.
Fox also seemed a little out of character during this chapter. Here's an example:
And finally, I would think that Fox and Jane would protest seeing a scientist, especially Fox. While they might trust Jack, this could be some faulty judgement on his part. At least some hesitation could be good before they jump into this, especially considering their past experiences with scientists that almost led to their deaths. This chapter was also shorter, so some longer sections of hesitation, just a little bit, could help lengthen it so it doesn't come across as rushed.
Overall, I thought the writing on here was really good. You've definitely improved since chapter one, and the new "Dragon" means that there is now a few subplots running, but they are all interconnected and point to the one main plot. The characters in here seemed to act a little strange, but hopefully some of my suggestions in here helped with that so that they are back to their usual selves
Best wishes,
MJ
Thank you for your feedback! I admit, I could've had a good sassy line when Fox sees Dragon as a little dragon, but mistakes (sadly) happen. But I think it just might've been that she's relieved that he's alive, since she already lost Caruso. Either way, thanks for your review and I'll make sure I remember it when writing the next chapter!