z

Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

Que Sera Sera Chapter 2

by DragonNoir


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

Chapter 2:

Soundtrack: Urban City Nightscape https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CnI5gWQ_IMc

The next morning, Jane was visiting her local tax office; she was due to pay her taxes and had no intention of being late. The queue stretched out far into the street, but Jane had no intention of losing her space just outside the door of the office. About half an hour later, Jane was finally inside the actual office. It was large and well-decorated with different plants, accompanied by purple and green wallpaper. The space between the door and the first desk was very large, but that space was filled by about fifty people waiting to pay their taxes. Jane was very relieved to see that only five more people were in front of her. She felt lucky enough that she was in the actual building. However, a gunshot made her wish she wasn’t.

Everyone inside the office fell to the floor with their hands on their heads, including Jane. The people outside the office disbanded rapidly, screaming their heads off and spam-calling 999. Jane looked up to see the offender(s). She saw it was a middle-aged man, though he had a balaclava over his face. He ran over to main desk and yelled at the woman behind it, pointing a Beretta M9 pistol. 

“Put out all money you have on desk!!” Jane could tell he was of Indian descent. She stayed down, knowing the man could use the office lady as a hostage.

Soundtrack: Geniously Hacked Be-Bop https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wa7QgB58Lis

As the lady began hastily placing all the money in the drawers of the desk onto it, a loud sound of glass breaking resonated across the office. Jane turned around to see a familiar face. She smiled. Dragon straightened his back and twisted his neck, creating a loud cracking noise.

“I suggest you put that gun down.” He said. “Things could get quite messy if you don’t cooperate.”

“Who are you, freak?!” The man yelled, Jane could hear a slight note of fear in his voice. She could tell Dragon also heard it, as she saw his lips curling into that classic fiendish smile.

“My name’s Dragon Noir, if you’re so curious.” Dragon raised his head and looked straight into the man’s eyes. “Now you know who to cry about to Satan.” Dragon made an unnaturally quick move and swiped the man off his feet. Dragon grabbed the gun before it hit the floor and aimed it at the man under him, the man’s breathing very loud and fast. Dragon smiled in satisfaction.

What are you?!” The man shouted. Everyone in the office stared in Dragon’s direction, awaiting his response. After a while of silence, Dragon answered:“I’m the dragon who experienced pain which you could never comprehend, nor endure.” Dragon grabbed the man with his free arm and pulled him to his feet, throwing the gun aside. He looked the man straight in the eyes, tearing his soul to shreds with a single glance.

“Scram before I change my mind and kill you.” Dragon growled, throwing the man towards the door. The man fell right in front it, but instantaneously picked himself up and ran as if his life depended on it. Well, it did, to be perfectly honest.

Soundtrack: Narcissistic Jazz https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBB55lLkR6I

Everyone was still recovering from the shock of the attempted robbery. Jane and Dragon had a friendly chat to the side.

“I guess that’s a point for me.” Dragon said, smiling. Jane gave him a puzzled look

“What d’you mean?” She asked.

“I decided we should play a game of who will save the other person the most.”

“Are you playing this just because you know you’re going to win?” Jane raised her eyebrow. Dragon chuckled in response.

“Precisely.” He said honestly. “But, you never know; maybe you’ll save me one day.”

“That I doubt. What other things can you do other than stop a speeding car with just your leg, have gigantic wings with which you can fly and be able to make very fast movements?”

“I can breathe fire.” Dragon smiled narcissistically. “Though I only use it when there isn’t any civilians around. As well as that, I can transform into what I like to call my ‘true’ form. However, I greatly doubt I’ll ever have to use it, unless the situation is dire or I’m showing-off.” Dragon winked. 

Suddenly, a flash of orange appeared next to him and soon materialised into a girl in a orange costume. She had two dark orange slashes from her forehead down to the area directly below her amber eyes, as well as a pair of pointy orange ears.

“Dragon…" She said through gritted teeth. "What did I tell you about talking to civilians?!” 

“Oh no, I’m a member of the Police, ma’am.” Jane interjected before the girl threw a punch at Dragon, though Jane doubted it would’ve hurt him anyway.

“Oh, what a coinky-dink. My name’s Fox, I’m Dragon’s best friend and partner.” Fox and Jane shook hands. Dragon sighed in relief.

“I’m Jane Silvester. Nice to meet you, Miss Fox.” Jane introduced herself, before Fox turned around to Dragon and said,

“Dragon, go back to base, we’ll talk later.” Dragon sighed, but complied. He left the office and took to the air with a single flap of his huge wings. Fox turned to Jane.

“How did you and Dragon meet?” Fox asked.

“Oh, he showed up during a recent terror attack attempt. I managed to catch the culprit thanks to him.” Jane replied truthfully.

“Hm." Fox responded simply. She quickly added, "Just to let you know, Dragon is 25-years-old, despite his looks.”

“WHAT?!? How the hell is he 25?! He looks much younger!”

“That’s because of his genes. I don’t know myself how it works, but it does. In case you’re wondering, I’m 25 as well.”

“I’m guessing I’m actually younger than you. I turn 24 this year.” Fox and Jane smiled in mutual friendship.

“If you want to see the best of Dragon, get him drunk off his ass. For some weird reason, the alcohol reacts with his eyes, turning him temporarily blind until he’s sober again. Anyways, if I were to give you a bit of a description of what a drunk Dragon is like… I would say his voice turns extremely posh when he’s drunk. I personally find that amusing. Sadly, Dragon has to be lured into it very carefully, otherwise he’ll just decline. Anyways, I’m sorry, but I’ve gotta go. I’m throwing a party for Dragon.” Fox was about to run away, but something stopped her. She looked back at Jane. “Actually, would you like to come?”

“Nah, I can’t. Unfortunately, I’ve got too much stuff to do today.”

“Oh. That's a shame.” Fox became a flash of orange as she disappeared into the city outside the office. Jane looked at everyone in the office, they stared in astonishment and shock. Jane didn't blame them.

Soundtrack: Stressed Out (Twenty One Pilots) x Shape of You (Ed Sheeran) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ILVuqQWNm_4

Fox and Dragon heard the doorbell loud and clear. Fox opened the door to reveal two guests. One of them was a short penguin - the top of his top hat was on the same level as Dragon’s waist - dressed in a red-striped tie and a small top hat. He carried a small messenger bag, which seemed to have something The other guest was quite the opposite. He was a tall, muscular cheetah-human hybrid, dressed in a tracksuit and black and white Nike trainers. Dragon and Fox welcomed them warmly as their guests entered.

Dragon’s and Fox’s apartment was pretty large. It had a spacious living room with a small SmartTV and an entrance to a small balcony. As well as this, the dining room and kitchen were compressed into one big room with an extensive Pine table in the dining side of the room, along with granite worktops and a medium-sized oven in the kitchen side of the room. As well as this, there was four bedrooms in total, only two of which were usually in use. Fox’s and Dragon’s rooms were next to the living room, while the other two branched out from the kitchen.

Dragon led their guests to the table, before all of them sat on the four chairs around it.

The penguin, who was the most - as he claimed - ‘sophisticated’ of the group, was called Caruso Beakman. He took out a bottle of pure vodka from his small bag and placed it onto the table. Dragon and Fox chuckled. Caruso was a bit like Fox and Dragon, he was able to shapeshift into any human of his choice, mimicking everything about them. Of course, this could only be used when Caruso is even the slightest bit drunk.

The cheetah went by the name of Jack Bailey. His abnormal ability was about invasion of anyone’s mind and being able to make them see, think, smell, hear, taste, feel all kinds of things. However, Jack has to have already experienced the effect for him to be able to cause another person to feel it. As well as this, he is able to grow in size at will, but he can’t grow taller than 8 foot.

Fox was bugged by one question.

“Guys,” She said. “What can you recall from that night?”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5YT9_mnJrnA

Author's Note: Hi guys!! I hope you liked this chapter of 'Que Sera Sera' and I hope the soundtracks helped your experience. Should I use soundtracks and sound effects in future? Comment below please!! :D


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Sun Jun 25, 2017 12:28 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hi again,

Nit-picks:

door of the office. About half an hour later, Jane was finally inside the actual office.

Repetition of office so quickly feels a bit clunky.

However, a gunshot made her wish she wasn’t.

This should probably be in a chapter of its own to make it feel more sudden.

She saw it was a middle-aged man, though he had a balaclava over his face. He ran over to main desk and yelled at the woman behind it, pointing a Beretta M9 pistol.

How does she know he's middle aged, and how does she know exactly what kind of gun it is?

Dragon answered:“I’m the dragon

Missed space.

Everyone was still recovering from the shock of the attempted robbery. Jane and Dragon had a friendly chat to the side.

Why is nobody else freaking out about him? There should also be more time spent on the aftermath in general. This feels a bit jarring at the moment.

What other things can you do other

Repetition of "other" clunky.

be able to make very fast movements

Bit clunky. I'd expect something like "move at the speed of a X".

“I can breathe fire.” Dragon smiled narcissistically. “Though I only use it when there isn’t any civilians around. As well as that, I can transform into what I like to call my ‘true’ form. However, I greatly doubt I’ll ever have to use it, unless the situation is dire or I’m showing-off.” Dragon winked.

They seem to know each other well enough that Jane would already know all this.

“I’m guessing I’m actually younger than you. I turn 24 this year.” Fox and Jane smiled in mutual friendship.

I'm not really clear how a friendship would have built up in this rather brief conversation.

they stared in astonishment and shock

I'd have thought this would have been earlier, and that Dragon and Jane would have to deal with the consequences.

which seemed to have something The other guest

Missed full stop.

As well as this, there was four bedrooms in total, only two of which were usually in use. Fox’s and Dragon’s rooms were next to the living room, while the other two branched out from the kitchen.

I don't really need an exact floorplan.

Overall:

Character: I like the character of Jane, but the way that Fox is annoyed in the previous chapter makes me think she would be suspicious of her, or at least not so overjoyed about her as to invite her to a party. Especially since it's a party of people like Dragon and Fox, I'd imagine they'd want to get to know her better to make sure she wouldn't tell anyone/sell a story on them.

Setting: I like the fact that they live in quite a normal apartment, but I don't need it described in quite as much detail at first. Also I think I need to know pretty soon the attitude of the world towards people like this. I'm a big X-Men fan, so I'm used to hostility, but if they're grateful towards these people for stopping mayhem, that's cool too. I need to know so that I'm not confused by reactions though.

Plot: I like the way you build suspense about the party, but have the action scene play out and resolve pretty quickly. It puts the tension more on Dragon's personal life, which is quite sweet.

Flow: Sometimes your omniscient perspective tends towards infodump, like with the explanation of Jack's powers. You're okay for the most part, but keep an eye out for that kind of thing.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




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Sun May 28, 2017 2:17 pm
Feltrix wrote a review...



I'm back for the second chapter!

I. Don't parenthesize offender(s). Just decide on one or more.

II. Again, you jump into action quickly here. Remember, you don't need constant peril to keep us entertained.

III. This seems like a bit of a crazy coincidence that Dragon and Jane are meet at places where people are in danger twice in as many days by pure chance.

IV.

tearing his soul to shreds with a single glance.
Is this metaphorical? I can't tell. It needs to be cleared up.

V. Shouldn't the people who almost got robbed be a bit more shocked about Dragon? And getting robbed?

VI. Fox goes very quickly from being mad to being friendly with Jane, and Jane seems very easygoing about Fox and Dragon having crazy abilities.

VII. It seems very weird that Jane has a casual discussion about terror attacks and supernatural beings with two genetically enhanced people, and then declines going to a party because her schedule can't handle it.

VIII. The ending confuses me. What night is Fox talking about? This needs a bit of explaining.

IX. I've been lead to believe that all of these super powered people were experimented on. Why is there a bunch of them hanging around London? How do they all know each other? How hasn't the general public figured out about their existence, given that they make no attempt to disguise their abilities?

Again, this chapter needs to be slowed down. It might help if you just described everything a lot more than you actually need to. Just... tell me about what you visualize, not just saying "This is what the room looks like," and leaving it at that. I like that we saw more of Jane's perspective. Another thing that I'd like to suggest is be careful not to make your protagonists too powerful. Anyway, I'm interested to see where this goes!

Keep writing!

Feltrix




DragonNoir says...


Thank you for your feedback here and on Chapter 1! I would suggest you read some of the newer chapters, I'd say they're much better written than the first two chapters. Once more, thank you for your feedback and I will try my best to slow down a bit and add more description.



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Sat May 20, 2017 5:16 pm
Atticus wrote a review...



Hello again,
MJ back for another review! I'm hoping to get all the chapters you have published reviewed by the end of May, so let's jump into some corrections/pointers for this one:

I thought the beginning seemed very rushed and too casual. This could be a little longer to build the suspense and also do some more showing rather than just telling. You have a very monologic narrative so far, and while sometimes that isn't too bad, but for long stretches of time it can get long and slightly boring.

While I did appreciate the time and effort you put into adding the soundtracks, it didn't work out too well since I couldn't read and listen to the music at the same time. It would work better if you had a play-like script or something that had mostly dialogue, like a podcast. You can continue doing them if you enjoy them or if they work for other people, but if it doesn't add a lot to the story and takes up a lot of your time, don't worry about them.

I agree with occymay- Dragon's character was really entertaining and fun to watch. He's so careless and flippant, but at the same time remarkably brave and an incredible fighter. He clearly struggles with insecurities, but his casual remarks help to add some humor to the story to prevent it from being too dark. Jane, on the other hand, felt pretty flat and 2D to me. There was little emotion present around her, but somehow your descriptions fell just short of having her come across as an emotionless person and more of just a flat and undefined character.

There are some writing/grammar nitpicks I wanted to point out, then I'll be on my way:

Dragon made an unnaturally quick move and swiped the man off his feet. Dragon grabbed the gun before it hit the floor and aimed it at the man under him, the man’s breathing very loud and fast. Dragon smiled in satisfaction.
All of these sentences start with the word Dragon three times in a row. Try and mix it up a little so it's less choppy and more smooth and connected. For example:
"Dragon made an unnaturally quick move and swiped the man off his feet, somehow managing to grab the gun before it hit the floor. He aimed it at the winded terrorist, allowing himself a smile of satisfaction."

“Hm." Fox responded simply. She quickly added, "Just to let you know, Dragon is 25-years-old, despite his looks.”

“WHAT?!? How the hell is he 25?! He looks much younger!”

“That’s because of his genes. I don’t know myself how it works, but it does. In case you’re wondering, I’m 25 as well.”

“I’m guessing I’m actually younger than you. I turn 24 this year.” Fox and Jane smiled in mutual friendship.
This section seems pretty random and out-of-place. If you felt like it was necessary to bring up their ages for whatever reason, I think it would be better to have one of them make a comment about how young Dragon looked, so maybe something like this:

"Hmm." Fox responded simply.

"Keeping track of teenagers is a real chore, isn't it?" Jane smiled at Fox, but she did not return the favor.

"Dragon's not actually a teenager; he's 25," Fox replied.

"WHAT? How in the world is he so young?" Jane exclaimed in shock.

Fox shrugged nonchalantly. "It's mostly genetics. I'm super jealous, actually. I'm 25 and look every day of it."

"You really don't. When I first saw you I thought you were only 19 and not a day older. I'm 24 myself and look like a 50-year-old."

Fox chuckled, and the two smiled at each other with a look of friendship gleaming in both their eyes.

Again at the ending, it had much of the same feel as the beginning. There was a lot of telling, but it would be more convincing if you showed us instead of simply telling us. It's the same principle that's like if I show you a fidget spinner and let you feel it thoroughly versus simply describing it. Feeling the fidget spinner is much more entertaining, and that's the same thing we try to do in writing. (Sorry, I had to.)

Overall, I enjoyed how the plot is developing and especially seeing how the characters react to the circumstances and treat each other since they all have very unique and separate personalities. Great job!

Best wishes,
MJ




DragonNoir says...


Thanks for your feedback! I probably haven't made so much mistakes in the latest chapter, but thanks for pointing them out here as well. I'll make sure I don't make those mistakes again. I'm glad you're liking it! :)



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Mon May 15, 2017 9:20 am
occymay wrote a review...



Hello again!

Okay first thing I noticed was that this is hugely telling and not much showing. Show and Tell I'm linking this just case you don't know what I'm talking about. You don't have to tell the reader Jane is going to pay her taxes, just show us her rushing to the bank, being agitated, craning her neck to see the massive line. When the bang sounds, just say "Bang!" the reader will understand. This will also help create tension in this scene.

So reading this, I assume these kinds of people are either normal or people know of their existence. As I said in the previous review tell us this because it's confusing. Also, don't tell us what Dragon can do, I want to find out that he can breathe fire or has a true form by showing us. It's like a discovery, you're not giving us everything all at once.

Though I do like Dragon's character, I like how laid back and confident he is. I feel that Jane needs more personality, she's kind of boring, I know nothing about except that she is a police officer and leads a busy life.

I understand that you trying to create mystery with the last sentence but I feel that it is so sudden that it lose that affect. You need to hint at it before this moment, that long ago something happened. Maybe this could be done through a prologue which also serves as a flashback, but it really depends on what it is.

I would personally get rid of the music, your reader won't have that and you shouldn't depend on it to help create atmosphere. If you feel you can't do it very well then read up on it and get a better understanding. There were also some mistakes but you should be able to see them with another read through.

Overall, it needs work, tell writing is the bane of a writer's life, but I see the potential. Happy writing ^_^




DragonNoir says...


Thank you for your feedback! Don't worry, I do have more character development for Jane. I will be sure to read that Show and Tell article, thanks for showing it! Once more, thanks for your feedback!



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Sun May 14, 2017 10:17 pm
Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, DragonNoir! Pan here to fry up a review for you today.

I went back and read the first chapter to ensure I'd be up to speed for this review. I love the lighthearted and adventurous feel of this story, and your characters are very dynamic already. I couldn't guess where the plot is going, but that's a good thing - it keeps me interested.

There are a couple of things that need touching up on, however, so I'll dive straight in. My first point of call would be to say to scrap the soundtracks. Appropriate though they may be, the writing should be evocative and immersive without the need for anything else - you shouldn't rely on music to create atmosphere. Plus, it pulls the reader out of the story when they have to keep opening links, which isn't really what you want.

Anyhoo, on with the actual piece. I'll begin at the beginning.

The next morning, Jane was visiting her local tax office; she was due to pay her taxes and had no intention of being late.


There's nothing wrong with this at the level of prose or grammar, but it did confuse me a little. I'm not a seasoned taxpayer myself, and I can't speak for countries outside of Britain, but I don't think it's common procedure for people to go down to an office to pay taxes - as far as I'm aware, tax returns are negotiated via forms or online. If it was like that in real life, you'd end up with situation like the one in this story, where there's a queue of fifty people or more. So that's just a little realism check; maybe you could change it so she's just visiting the bank to pay some cheques in or something?

However, a gunshot made her wish she wasn’t.


This is telling writing. You just tell us that Jane is feeling negatively about the gunshot, rather than showing it through description. It feels like a wasted opportunity. You don't need to talk at length about it, but you could mention how fear sizzles through her, or her whole body goes cold, or anything that grounds us in Jane's perspective. Just because you're writing in third person doesn't mean you can't get inside your characters' heads.

Jane looked up to see the offender(s)


I wouldn't use 'offender(s)', personally - it seems too clinical, too much like something I'd read in a form. 'Offender' would do just fine.

Dragon made an unnaturally quick move and swiped the man off his feet.


This is quite a strange grammatical construction. Rather than saying he 'made a move', try to choose a single verb which conveys the kind of movement you're going for. For instance:

'Dragon lurched forward and swiped the man off his feet.'
'Dragon sprang forward and swiped the man off his feet.'
'Dragon lashed out and swiped the man off his feet.'

It all depends on what exactly this unnaturally quick move actually entails. As it stands, the description is quite vague - it doesn't give me much of an idea of how he's moving.

“I’m the dragon who experienced pain which you could never comprehend, nor endure.”


I generally like the Dragon's cocksure dialogue ('Now you know who to cry about to Satan' works very well), but be wary of making him seem too cool and assured. This snatch of speech pushes him into slightly pretentious territory, like he's lording his incredible woes over people, and it feels a bit too OTT for my tastes. Always remember that the most endearing characters have to feel human.

Well, it did, to be perfectly honest.


I'm not too sure of these moments where the narrator seems to look into the camera and talk directly to the audience. It just reminds us that we're reading a story. It can work with some narratives, but I think in this case it would work better if you kept the narrator grounded in the scene, if you get what I mean. I'd scrap it, but it's your call.

“Precisely.” He said honestly.

Dragon smiled narcissistically.


The Unnecessary Adverb police are here. Adverbs tend to modify verbs, and a lot of the time they're needless to the narrative - as they are here. I really don't think 'honestly' contributes any meaning to that snatch of dialogue, so I'd recommend deleting it. I also think 'narcissistically' is even less important; given that the Dragon is banging on about his prowess at that point in the chapter, we know he's being narcissistic without needing to be told.

More General Points

1) I'm a little confused about Jane's acceptance of Fox and Dragon's powers. Has she encountered people like them before? If not, I'd expect her to be much more apprehensive and unnerved by it.

2) Be careful of over-description, particularly when it comes to introducing new characters. When you introduce Caruso and Jack at the end, you fill the reader in on the ins and outs of their special powers, and it sort of feels like you're forcing the background information out as soon as possible so you can get on with things. The reader doesn't need to know all of the crucial things about a character the moment they're introduced - if they're key characters, we should learn about it gradually, by way of active scenes rather than exposition. And if they're not key characters, it probably isn't that important to know their background.

Anyhow, I enjoyed reading this. It's a bouncy and dynamic story with bags of potential and a cast of interesting characters, and I'll keep on the lookout for more.

Hope this review helped! PM me if you've got any questions.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




DragonNoir says...


Thank you so much for your feedback!! I'll make sure I improve my writing for the future. :)




I was born to speak all mirth and no matter.
— William Shakespeare