Young Writers Society

Well, I caught up with that other novel much quicker than I expected. So here I am!

Nit-picks:

smashed the car window, before unlocking it and forcefully pulling the driver out.

“What is there to compliment?” The loud slap resounded in the large flat apartment. Oh, did you actually think I was going to make them live in some awesome futuristic base with tons of highly advanced technology? Pff.

Fox workwore opaque black tights

“Did you really fall in love with her?”

“I know. That’s what makes me such a good friend.” Dragon smiled, exposing his sharp fangs. He never really does that, unless he truly likes somebody.

Hello! Feltrix here for a review.

I. The first paragraph goes by WAY too quickly. Try drawing it out, and sort of set the stage before you introduce all this action.

II. It seems like the streets of London would be thrown into disarray by the Ford Focus that's wantonly murdering people instead of the one person screaming. And can we have more on the Ford, please? I think you can and should expand it into a paragraph.

III. So, we've got our mysterious teen. When you introduce him, it seems like you're saying "And this is the part where we describe an important character," which, I realize, you are. Still, it would be better to give a rough idea of what he looks like and then add little details later on, sliding them into the action.

IV.

"SMASH"

with the wheels still spinning extremely fast

extremely fast

The driver stared into the teen’s eyes in horror, a sadistic smile was the response he got.

Oh, did you actually think I was going to make them live in some awesome futuristic base with tons of highly advanced technology? Pff.

“Dragon, I understand how you’re feeling. You were abused by your parents for five years straight and you were sent to some messed up asylum where the scientists turned you into this, but c’mon; you’ve got to start living!”

A word of warning before you start reading my review. I really don't like superheroes/mutants novels because I feel that novelists always tap into the same vein, re-writing the same story ad nauseam. I have found that, additionally, those novelists' style is poor to indifferent at best.
Did you read Kelly Meding's Metawars series? It's a good example. It's not bad but it's not life-altering. It's the kind of books I would read in the bath because it's rather pleasant but I won't cry if I get water on it.
Since I don't like this genre, I went nit-picking through your first chapter. It makes me appear very critical but it wasn't that bad, really, I only want to help you improve on what you already created.


« A scream sets the busy streets of London into disarray. »
-> that's the only part that's in present tense - why?

« The loud sound of a car engine working on full-power filled the air as a dusty Ford Focus barged through the pavement, running many pedestrians over. Suddenly, a tall, muscular teenager in a black outfit stepped in front of the car. The outfit »
-> repetition makes that part sound awkward

« had a scale pattern on it and his face had two slashes of what looked like black paint. Each slash went from one side of his face and finished after covering his eyes. »
-> doesn't sound right

« At his left thigh was a purple sword, shaped similar to [shapes like] a samurai sword, but strangely glowing. The boy opened his eyes as the car sped up towards him. The teen’s eyes
 »
-> same problem with the repetition

« The car kept coming at him. The driver saw him as nothing but just another victim.
-> is the narrator omniscient?

« That was until a loud “SMASH” resonated in the surrounding area. The car’s rear was lifted into the air, with »
-> the "with" is not necessary

« the wheels still spinning extremely fast, while the front bumper was held down by the teen’s leg. The driver stared into the teen’s eyes »
-> why not "the boy's eyes" instead?

« in horror, a sadistic smile was the response he got. »
-> your protagonist feels more scary than the mass murderer in the car

« Suddenly »
-> too many "suddenly"

« a woman ran up to the car and smashed the car window, before unlocking it »
-> it being the door, I suppose?

« and forcefully pulling the driver out. The supernatural boy stared at her, whilst still having his leg on the front bumper. She had black, long, French Girl-styled hair and beautiful grey eyes. »
-> I think "long black French Girl-styled hair" looks better. And what does French Girl-styled mean?! I'm French, and a girl, and my hair has been long, then short, then halfway between, and brown, and blond, and red, and purple (it has also been none to be straight, curly and somewhere in between.

« The boy lifted his leg from the car’s bumper, causing the car’s rear to fall back down. »
-> I imagine it would crash down rather loudly

« The woman had the driver pinned to the pavement as she put handcuffs on him. She used a radio transmitter and notified her police associates. »
-> "to notify her police associates" sounds more logical

« She turned to the boy, who was still standing behind her.
“You’re lucky I was passing by,” The lady said. “I wonder how long you’d’ve stood there with your leg on the car.” »
-> Considering the sadistic smile and the fact that he calls himself a dragon, I imagine he would have eaten the driver - or maybe roasted him.

« “I’m surprised how you’re not asking me how the hell I managed to do that.” The boy stated.
“I don’t think I’d like to know.”
“In case you’re curious, my name’s Dragon Noir, madam.” Dragon leaned over and kiss the lady’s hand. »
-> "kissed"

« “Jane Silvester, nice to meet you, Mr Noir.” She said, saying his name almost mockingly. »
-> "said"/"saying", urk
-> I'm always amazed at how polite all those people are. My mean and petty alter ego keeps whispering in my ear that maybe it's so authors have names to save them from a deluge of pronouns.

« “What’s with that paint on your face?”
“That’s not paint; they’re scales.” Jane raised an eyebrow. Dragon smiled pervertedly. “You can have a feel, if you li-” Jane laid a clean slap on Dragon’s cheek, but he didn’t seem to feel any pain - or he was good at hiding it. His head didn’t even turn. He simply looked her in the eyes. “You’ll have to slap harder than that to even make my head move, let alone make me feel any pain.” »
-> Who is being sadistic now?
-> Is your narrator omniscient? Because now, he seems to be clueless.

« “Well that’s impressive. I wonder how much steroids you had to take to get into this shape.”
“Absolutely none.” Dragon flexed his bicep and winked. “These are 100% natural muscles, wanna touch-” Another slap. This time, ten times harder, Dragon only gave a quiet chuckle. “You’re getting better, but it’s still not enough. Try harder next time.” Dragon moved away from her as a pair of huge black wings extended from his back. With one mighty flap, he was gone. Jane gazed after him in wonder.
This boy… She thought. How does he do this? »
-> It this free indirect speech? because if so, you have tenses' issues. If not, those are punctuation issues. Either way, it's not clear.

« “Dragon, you fucking knob, what did I tell you about interacting with civilians?!” Fox yelled at him. Dragon fell to his knees. »
-> I have multiple problems with this. First, I assume there is an ellipsis. When we change time and location, please at least skip a line. Second problem: I absolutely didn't get why Dragon was falling to his knees? Do they have some kind of sub/dom relationship going on?

« “Sorry Fox… She was so pretty though…” Fox smashed her fist in his face.
“That doesn’t matter! Besides, I’m pretty!! Compliment me!!” Dragon looked up at her and tilted his head.
“What is there to compliment?” »
-> Here is a rule: quote, unquote, close paragraph.

« The loud slap resounded in the large flat apartment. Oh, did you actually think I was going to make them live in some awesome futuristic base with tons of highly advanced technology? Pff. »
-> Ok, you address the reader directly. Careful, that's risky.

« “Ouch…” Dragon moaned. Fox sat back onto her double bed, her large fluffy tail curled onto her lap. Fox work opaque black tights, along with a short orange and white skirt. Her chest and shoulders were clothed by a darker orange and white skin-tight suit. Her arms had brown long gloves on, which lasted until the elbows. Her eyes were a burning amber and her long hair was dark brown. »
-> I assume you mean "wore", not "work".
-> Those people never wear fat jeans and ratty tee-shirts, do they? I wonder if they have PJ versions of their superhero outfits to wear to bed?

« “Dragon, tell me honestly,” Fox said. “Did you really fall in love with her?” »
-> Whhhhhhhat? The L-word, already?! Either foxy lady has a crush the width of the Atlantic on her masochistic teen dragon or we are watching teen-superman on the playground!

« “Pff,” Dragon sat down next to her. “Me? Fall in love? Never!” Fox raised her eyebrow. Dragon sighed. “I don’t know what love is, let alone can I feel it.” »
-> Shouldn't that be "if I can feel it"? And those people sure do a lot of eyebrow-raising...

« “Dragon, I understand how you’re feeling. You were abused by your parents for five years straight and you were sent to some messed up asylum where the scientists turned you into this, but c’mon; you’ve got to start living!” Suddenly, Fox’s eyes widened with genius. “I have an idea! I’ll invite two friends of mine and we’ll have a party! Maybe we could even find you someone you can love!” »
-> Woa, TMI. This line didn't feel the least bit natural. And why does she absolutely want to find him a girlfriend?!
-> "widened with genius" just doesn't look right. "widened/lit up with a flash of inspiration" would be better because "genius" describes a character's character while an expression reflects a temporary state (of mind)

« “Fox, I don’t think that’s a very good idea. Love isn’t something you find on Google. Besides, you really don’t have to do this.” »
-> Right, love isn't something you find on Google. But is that a general comment on the impossibility to find love while actively searching for it? Or does Foxy organize her parties on an online search engine?

« “I know. That’s what makes me such a good friend.” »
-> Close paragraph. Please.

« Dragon smiled, exposing his sharp fangs. He never really does that, unless he truly likes somebody. »
-> Present/Past tense. Choose. I suspect that it's because while you can remember to tell that tale in past tense, DragonNoir as a character is very present to your mind. That's good, you have to love your characters but be careful.

Hey there, MJ here for a nice quick review I'm a little out of my element here, but I'll do my best to provide you with some helpful tips

One thing that immediately stood out to me was how you changed tenses. You began with a present-tense reference, but then immediately switched to past tense. I would make sure that everything is either in present tense or past tense, because it can be a little disorienting to read.

The driver saw him as nothing but just another victim.

The driver stared into the teen’s eyes in horror, a sadistic smile was the response he got.

The supernatural boy stared at her, whilst still having his leg on the front bumper.

I wonder how much steroids you had to take to get into this shape.”

Oh, did you actually think I was going to make them live in some awesome futuristic base with tons of highly advanced technology? Pff.

“I know. That’s what makes me such a good friend.” Dragon smiled, exposing his sharp fangs.

Hello, occymay here to review your work!

The first thing I want to mention is that I love the concept of this piece, that the main character is some kind of dragon. I probably find this really interesting because I love dragons, so dragon boys are definitely something I want to read about. However, I don't think it was presented as well as it could be.

You thrust the reader directly into action with no explanation of the character or worldbuilding but gave us sort of irrelevant information/descriptions which can bog down first chapters. Maybe I dislike it because it's not how I like my chapters to start but I would recommend starting before the action or making the action more intense. The thing with the character Fox can wait for the next chapter, it has no hold on the reader, won't make the reader want to read more.

I want more reaction from Jane and the crowd, this guy just stopped a car with his leg and has wings! That's not normal in London. Unless these kinds of people are normal in this world than I would add in whispered conversation about how he looks, if they are then we need to be told because otherwise, it's confusing. The first chapter of a book is so important, you want to create tension, I would like more description of the car tearing through London. A good way to do that is to incorporate the senses, the smell of car fumes, people lying on the ground, those kinds of things.

Also be careful because the dialogue sounds at times unrealistic. A tip I recommend is to read the dialogue out loud and consider if it would be said in an everyday conversation.

I think this could be a really good piece but it needs work. I'm sorry in this sounds harsh but I think this piece has real potential and I would love to see it grow, if you do post more I would love to know. Happy writing ^_^