Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence.
Chapter 4:
Dragon bared his fangs as he looked around him. He was surrounded by armed soldiers, but he had no intention of letting them get out of this unharmed. Suddenly, the sleeves to his costume ripped off, revealing his scaly arms underneath. His fingers ended in thorn-like claws. The soldiers stared in horror, but the Officer remained strangely calm, though Dragon could still sense the stench of fear from him.
Then, a gunshot resounded. Dragon leaped up into the air in backflip, catching the speeding bullet between his middle and index finger. As he landed, he spun around rapidly and launched it back into the shooter. The bullet landed precisely in the soldier’s Adam’s Apple, making him choke on his own blood. Dragon looked around at the soldiers to see whether their morale was still intact. He could hear their hearts beating at rapid speeds. Dragon’s classic smile signalled the beginning of the blood-bath.
“Let the show begin.” Dragon whispered. In an instant, his scaly legs were exposed as his costume shredded open even further, of course leaving that area covered by boxer-like remains of his lower costume. His boots split in half as well to reveal huge paws, which ended in sharp claws. Along with that, a long flowing tail also made an appearance as it rolled out onto the floor behind him.
Dragon’s tail swiped all of the soldiers in the front row as he spun around. Then, one by one, Dragon began taking each soldier out, fast as light. Gradually, Dragon became void of all emotion; he had to kill if he wanted to survive; that was the kind of world he was living in. Only now he was able to fully understand that. The more blood stained his face, the more he felt his dragon side taking over. His eyes turned a blood red and his fangs grew sharper and longer. Soon, Dragon went full-on beast mode and the killings gradually became more, and more monstrous and gruesome. He went from simply slitting their throats with his claws, to tearing their heads off and ripping out their internal organs, most commonly the stomach and heart.
Soon, Dragon saw nothing around him but corpses, blood and organs, scattered all over the place. The girl stared at him in pure terror, her yellow eyes wide open and her heartbeat extremely fast. Then, it was as if Dragon suddenly regained consciousness. As he gazed around, his breathing became uneven and loud. Tears sprung to his eyes and poured from them in rivers. Dragon collapsed to the ground in tears. The Senior Officer looked out from behind the door to the stairs, staring in repugnance at the bloody mess on the roof of the Shard. Dragon looked up at him, not being bothered with hiding his tears. The officer’s expression changed to one of surprise. How is it possible that his enemy was a monster, who killed without remorse or regret a second ago, and now he’s just an emotional mess?
“I’m sorry…” Dragon sobbed. “Fox, I’m so sorry…”
***
Dragon stepped into the barren cell, followed closely by Thunder Girl. The guard slammed the cell door shut, before locking it and switching on the electricity. The guard walked away quickly, as if he wanted to have nothing to do with the two creatures in the cell. Dragon didn't blame him.
Dragon could hear the current flowing through the white metal bars which made up the space in front of him. Behind him, in the meagre space they had, were two poorly kept beds and three navy blue bars, from which Dragon also heard electric power. The bars' colour matched the colour of the walls outside, as if trying to mask the opening.
Thunder Girl sat on the bed in the right corner of the cell, leaving Dragon to sit on the one in the left corner. She eyed him for a while until she decided to start a conversation.
“Who are you?” She asked, though she didn’t seem remotely interested.
“Dragon Noir.” Dragon replied, barely any emotion being portrayed in his voice. “And you’re…?”
“Alice Clarke. Just out of interest, what’s with your outfit?”
“It’s called fashion, Brenda, look it up.” Straight after Dragon said that, the torso part of his costume decided to rip, revealing his huge, scaly chest. Dragon sighed in response.
“So, how’d you get your powers?” Alice asked.
“Oh, I was sacrificed in a Satanic ritual.” Dragon said, quite casually. Alice gave him a puzzled face.
“And what is so casual about that?”
“Nothing. I’ve gotten used to the origin of this.” Dragon pointed at his chest with his clawed finger. “And how’d you get your powers?”
“I don’t really remember…” Alice turned her gaze away from Dragon. He raised his eyebrow.
“Oh yeah?”
Alice threw a serious look at him.
“Look, it’s not a subject which should be taken lightly. My parents died because of my transformation.”
Dragon gave an almosting mocking smile in response.
“At least you had parents who loved you.” he looked at the bars of the door at his right. “At least you had a childhood.”
Alice glared at him, their eyes met when Dragon turned his head back. She could see not a single emotion in his eyes. Nothing. Just emptiness.
“Why are you so emotionless?” Alice asked, her tone almost demanding. Dragon smiled.
“You saw me kill almost a hundred soldiers with barely any effort and with increasing brutality. After that, you saw me crying my eyes out because I noticed how bad a move I made. Now, I’ve got nothing to lose. I’ve lost my freedom. They’ll probably have scientists do tests on me. They’ll probably end up killing me in one of them. Plus, I’ve got no one who cares for me-”
“Is that so?” A familiar female voice spoke. Suddenly, Fox, Jack and Caruso appeared on the other side of the bars. Fox was spinning a ring around her finger with a warm smile on her face. A large bunch of keys hung from that ring.
“Is it really true,” Fox said, “That no one cares about you?”
Author's Note: Hello! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I hope I made less mistakes here. As well as that, I do plan on something dramatic to happen in the next chapter. What could it be...?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
*runs around wildly reviewing*
Nit-picks:
How did this happen? Did he do this?
Don't need that comma.
"commonly" is an awfully calm word to use in this situation.
That isn't quite convincing. Like, he must at least realise how shocking it sounds to someone who hasn't heard it before.
Missed capital H.
Overall:
Before I go into my usual categories, I just want to say that this is my favourite chapter so far
Character: The first thing I'd mention is that the girl should be more indignant. She's had a hard life too. How does Dragon know if her parents loved her? She's just told him a horrible thing that happened to her, I think it would make sense if she got angry about how dismissive he was. Dragon's transformation (from brutal to an emotional mess) is done well, but it would mean more if I understood what was going on in his head in the former mode. As he's doing all the killing, what feelings are forcing him on as he goes berserk?
Setting: The sensory stuff was excellent for showing me just how powerful Dragon is.
Plot: I love the fact that Fox comes in to save him. She might be my favourite character so far. I also like the idea that she's having to deal with the fact that Dragon thinks nobody cares him, while trying not to blame him for being so harsh because he's had a hard life. Presumably she has too though. I hope at some point Dragon's self-absorbedness comes to a head. I'm really interested in how the group will interact with Thunder Girl, and also now wondering if there are lots of other people like this. If there are, how come they don't know more of them to invite to a party? If there aren't, shouldn't Dragon be surprised that he and his friends aren't alone?
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
Hello! I'm back! Sorry it took so long for me to get on with my reviewing. Anyway, I (finally) showed up.
Well, the soldiers never really said they wanted to hurt him, and it seems like he could just fly away. I'd make the soldiers seem more malevolent so that they warrant brutal deaths.I. In the beginning, Dragon seems like he wants to hurt humans, but wasn't the whole reason for him staying and letting the military find him so he could have a good relationship with them?
II.
III. Dragon has a 'dragon side?' I wasn't aware.
IV. The cell doesn't really seem to me like it can contain Dragon. If it's supposed to, I'd up the security. Another interesting option would be if Dragon locked himself in the cell.
V. Dragon seemed pretty remorseful not too long ago, but now he seems pretty calm when talking to Alice.
VI. Personally, I'd list more things that Dragon has lost.
VII. There's a section where Alice basically just says what was written before it.
This chapter definitely had a more calm aspect than the previous chapters (after the bloodbath, of course) I like how we finally saw Dragon feel remorseful about the deaths on his hands. The ending in particular showed a different and more human side of Dragon's character.
Keep writing!
Feltrix
Hands down the best chapter here. I don't know how much I'll find to nitpick here, but I'll do my best for Team Kenobi (wooo!)
This is obviously pretty technical, but 'replied' and 'being portrayed' are not in the same tense. Just take out the 'being' and then you'll be good here. This was the only example I could find when I skimmed it over, but I could've sworn there were another 1 or 2 more, so just keep an eye out for that in future writing.It is a bad habit of mine to resort to nitpicking grammar when I can't find anything else to pick on, but I think in this case there is one legitimate case that should be addressed here, and that is tense switches. For the most part, this wasn't a huge issue, but there were a few times when a slight change here will work wonders. For example:
One other thing that confused me was exactly who the 'girl' was and the 'officer.' They clearly survived, and it seems to be unclear, at least to me, if the girl was Fox or just another name for the officer. And why didn't Dragon kill the officer? I think it is more dramatic if you have a bystander reacting to the events so Dragon has a legitimate reason for seeing just how normal humans would respond to this gruesomeness, but it's so unclear now something needs to be changed there. It's quite possible that this is just my misinterpretation, so if you think it's fine how it is, I would appreciate it if you would let me know just what is going on there.
And now for a few more nitpicks:
I'm assuming this is a leftover from a name change, so no biggie, just wanted to point it out. And if there actually is someone named Brenda in there, they were never introduced and clearly don't have much significance to the plot (hence why I think it's the former)
I hope I don't need to mention what's wrong with this section lol. Again, obviously not a huge deal but just something to be aware of as a typo.
And a final thought: Alice seemed a little too pushy. She asked Dragon a bunch of personal questions, which seemed to be mainly for the audience's benefit, but avoided the respite and got snippy when Dragon pushed the topic. If you're trying to make her seem like a somewhat liked character, I would tone back her bluntness a bit. It won't change the plot a lot if we know or don't know the origin of Dragon's power. If you reread it, everything she says seems to be a very personal question that doesn't seem like casual conversation.
That's all I got for you today. I'll be back for some more reviews later today. Until then, keep refreshing your notifs for another review on the rest of the chapters
Best wishes,
MJ
Thank you for your feedback and I look forward to the reviews to come! I apologise for the mistakes and I'll try my best to not make them in the future. Oh, and the quote "It's called fashion, Brenda, look it up." is a meme in England, it seemed like a good time to use it. Also, Alice isn't supposed to be a 'likeable' character; quite the opposite. Either way, I'm glad you're enjoying it!
Okay, I simply have to say something about this.
*snort*
I just...oh my gosh. This honestly took me out of the scene for an instant because it just...like, I guess I wouldn't have thought about this anyway if you hadn't mentioned it? And also, consider things like The Hulk, where he's always ripping out of his clothes, but "that area" is always covered (at least in Hulk mode, but then when he's human again he becomes mysteriously naked for comedic effect), even though there's no explanation for that. So you could just go without mentioning this, and most people won't be like, "OMG HE'S NAKED NOW."
I just thought it was so funny you bothered mentioning it.
Okay, that's all from me for now.
Hello again!
This is definitely the best chapter by far, I really enjoyed it, most of negative is more nitpicking than actually work.
The first part was exciting, you described the action section really. I would love to see the same for the slightly later section of action. It would be great if you describe Dragon's inhuman like power more because it's what really makes the chapter.
I like the fact that he cries after what happens, it really advances his character beyond just this confident joker. When it comes to the two characters being in the cells, it would be more realistic for them to be in different cells but they can see and talk to each other.
Also, Thunder girl wouldn't have seen what happened because didn't Jane instantly take her downstairs after she shot her? Maybe he should say you heard from the officers or something like that. Or add in that she stayed to the previous chapter if that is easier. It would also include Jane in this chapter and we would be able to see how Jane reacts to what Dragon has done.
" Straight after Dragon said that, the torso part of his costume decided to rip, revealing his huge, scaly chest. Dragon sighed in response." This made me laugh so much.
One thing I will say is that I feel Jane is taking a back seat in this story right now and I want to see more of her because I feel that she is meant to be important. Right now, I feel she's kind of being ignored and overshadowed by Fox.
Other than that, I really enjoyed this chapter and by far my favourite. Happy writing ^_^
Thanks for your feedback! I didn't actually make Thunder Girl go down the stairs with Jane, but I do plan on having more character development for Jane and other characters in the future. I'm glad you like it!
Hi, DragonNoir. I'm back again for another review.
The quality of the prose in this piece is probably the best of all the chapters so far. I like that you explore the horror behind Dragon's violence, too, as I think that gives the story more depth and realism. There were less random errors in this chapter, so I think I'll make this critique about more general ways to better your writing as a whole. Just one or two nitpicks first:
Still some problems with dialogue punctuation. If you're going to include what we'd call a reporting clause after some speech (such as 'he said', 'she shouted', or indeed 'Dragon whispered'), you don't close the prior speech with a full stop. It should be a comma instead. Hence, it should be:
'"Let the show begin," Dragon whispered.'
You make this kind of punctuation error repeatedly throughout the piece, along with this one:
Never capitalise the first part of a reporting clause. I think I mentioned this in my previous review, so just keep an eye out for this kind of error. It should be written as:
'“Who are you?” she asked, though she didn’t seem remotely interested.'
I'd suggest you check out this topic for a crash course on punctuation in dialogue, because they explain it far more succinctly than I can.
Okay, now onto the meat of the review.
General Points
1) Think more about verbs. Verbs are usually just classed as 'doing words', but they are actually as important as adjectives when it comes to describing something in an evocative way. Consider the different ways of describing falling rain. You could say 'the rain pattered', or 'the rain lashed the ground', or 'the rain swirled in the air'. There are no adjectives in any of those sentences, but the different verbs create opposing mental images of how the rain looks in the sky.
Taking this in a direction with some point, I feel like you don't utilise the descriptive power of verbs as much as you should. For instance, look here:
'Landed' does get the meaning across, obviously - I know what's happening here (and it's a very cool moment, might I add). But for me, the connotations of 'landed' are of birds settling onto the ground, or a helicopter manoeuvring onto a pad. It makes me think of delicacy and control. Bullets, however, are decidedly not delicate. They don't land on the surface of something; they rip through it.
My thinking here is that if you chose a more evocative verb, the brutality of the action would be better conveyed to the reader. Consider:
'The bullet tore through the soldier's Adam's apple'
'The bullet ripped through the solider's Adam's apple'
'The bullet slammed into the soldier's Adam's apple'
Think of verbs as descriptive as well as functional, choosing them specifically in accordance with what you're describing. This is just one example I've pulled from the text, but it's something you should be thinking about all the time as you write.
2) Differentiating voices. I think you need to work on two things in this respect: differentiating the voices of your characters from each other, and in turn differentiating them from the voice of the narrator. Aside from Caruso, lots of your characters speak in a very similar way, and this makes them seem less distinct - they're all quite chatty and casual. Also, given that the tone of the narrator is also very chatty, the descriptive passages and the dialogue can blend into each other a little.
Dragon is generally pretty well defined, but I didn't feel like Alice's dialogue was markedly different from anything I've read from Jane or Fox in the past. I didn't glean much character from it.
I'd encourage you to give real thought to your character's voices. I'm not saying you have to make them poles apart from each other, giving one a lisp and one a stutter and one a glaring Cockney accent; just think about how each individual character speaks, ask yourself if they're more likely to use slang or formal language, if there are any turns of phrase that they overuse, and then try to incorporate them into the dialogue. Is anyone relentlessly prone to sarcasm? Are any of them blunt and to the point, rarely dressing their words up? Does anyone really need to watch their swearing?
Speech is one of the best ways to give an insight into a character's personality, so it's worth the effort of making sure each character has their own dialogue quirks. Like I say, it doesn't have to be much, but I'd like to see some kind of a distinction. I want to be able to reader a line from a character and have a pretty good idea who said it even without the context.
I think I'll leave it there. Remember that these general points aren't things that can be fixed overnight; like so many things about writing, it'll be an ongoing process of improvement, so don't be discouraged if it takes time. However, I'm seeing lots of improvement already, and I'm keen to see what happens next to Dragon. Excited to know what this escape is going to entail.
Hope this helped! As always, you can PM me if you've any questions.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Thanks for your review! I do plan for the females to have more character development, and most of it will happen in the next chapter. I'm glad you like it!