Hi, Dragon. I've been checking YWS religiously waiting for this chapter, so I'm glad it's finally here!
I just went back and had a brief look over the first chapter of Que Sera Sera, and I feel like I have to applaud how much your writing has improved over the course of this story. You're so much more cohesive now, far more polished, and you've improved your sentence control and grammar to no end. There's still a lot for you to work on, but it's a joy to see how much you've come on in such a short space of time.
This, too, is one of the most successful chapters so far. I'll go over what I liked and what I didn't, then I'll do a summing up.
“Ok then,” he spoke. “You can go to see Jane-”
Two things. I don't like 'spoke' as a verb; it feels awkward. I think 'said' would be far better.
Another tiny nitpick is that I think you should change 'Jane' to 'her'. Seeing as Fox already uses Jane's name, I feel like it would be more natural if Ryan used a pronoun rather than repeating the name again.
“... You can go to see Jane, but you’ll do so in the company of my bodyguards. I can’t lose Jane. Not yet anyways.”
'Anyways' feels way too informal. I feel like 'not yet' would be fine by itself.
When Fox was just in front of Jane, she slapped Jane right across the face, the sound resonated in the ward.
Loved this moment. There's a sneaky comma splice here though: you should have a full stop after 'face' rather than a comma.
“Once for wanting to kill us and a second time for having a crush on Dragon!”
I like the placing and the feel of this line, but Fox is generally so brash and uncouth that it seems strange for her to say 'having a crush on' in this context. If she's angry, would she not try to trivialise Jane's affection for him by being more vulgar?
Jack looked at Jane, pure detestation radiating from him.
If you want to communicate his hatred, use a more powerful verb than 'looked'. 'Glared', 'scowled' or 'glowered' would do fine.
“I had no choice!” Jane argued. “If I had refused, I would've had nowhere to stay and would've probably died of starvation by now!”
I'm pretty confused by this. Surely someone with her skillset would've had other options if she was sacked? And to be working on a case like this, I have to infer that she's been in the job (which I'd imagine offers a good wage, given how specialised it is) for a pretty long time, which means she surely isn't so broke that unemployment would push her below the poverty line.
Another problem with the bold is that it feels like you're absolving her of blame too much. If she is telling the truth here, the objective reader can see that she didn't really have much choice in all this. However, I think it would be a lot more interesting if she had had a choice, and it was only after agreeing to kill Fox and Dragon that she realised she couldn't go through with it. I much prefer seeing characters make bad decisions rather than being forced into them, because the former actually shows they have flaws. The latter doesn't, or at least not to the same extent.
“So you think that validates your desire to kill us?!”
Overly formal. It doesn't suit her, especially given how angry she is. Something like '"so you think that's an excuse to kill us?", or a simple "You think that's an excuse?" would work better.
“You revealed our existence to the world!” Ryan yelled. “You have now put us in danger and now innocent humans are in danger! That's what you did!”
I do see why an intelligence agency would be eager to kill Fox and Dragon/remove them from society given how anomalous they are, but I don't get why 'innocent humans are in danger' as a consequence of them revealing themselves. I can't see the link. Am I missing something?
“Answering your question,” Ryan continued,“I can’t guarantee he’ll return to his original form; I can’t even guarantee that he’ll survive. Although the chances that he’ll die are mediocre, he most likely will not look exactly like he did before he changed into a little dragon.”
Delete the bit I've struck out; it's not necessary. I'm not sure 'mediocre' is the word you're after, either. I usually see it used as a value judgement, as in 'a mediocre night out' or 'a mediocre lasagna' - using it in this context makes it seem like Ryan is wishing Dragon's odds of dying were less mediocre, i.e. higher, so it's a bit weird. 'Moderate' might be a better substitute.
“I’m willing to take the risk,” Fox said, determination filled her voice so much that. Jack and Jane looked at herin confusion.
“Why would you want to put Dragon’s life at risk?!” Jack askedabruptly.
“Because you don’t understand how close we aretogether! Look at him now. Do you think we can have any chance of living even a falsely normal life? I am not doing this for my benefit, but for our benefit.”
A few things to note.
1) I like that Fox dives straight in and agrees to the operation. It fits with her personality and characterises her well.
2) There's something repetitive and stilted about Jack's dialogue in this quote. It's hard to pinpoint the exact problem, but it feels to me like it's only there to set up Fox's response. Have a look at editing or rephrasing it.
3) I don't think Fox's line about 'doing it for our benefit' would be enough to silence Jack. However you look at it, she's decided to risk Dragon's life because a) she misses him and b) his current form is inconvenient. Why doesn't Jack call her out for that? Especially considering that she hasn't even consulted Dragon at this point!
4) I've struck out bits that I think should be deleted. Cutting down on the amount of info surrounding dialogue can both tighten up the pacing and reduce the amount of telling. For the sake of clarity, I'll paste the extract again with the changes:
“I’m willing to take the risk,” Fox said. Jack and Jane looked at her.
“Why would you want to put Dragon’s life at risk?” Jack asked.
“Because you don’t understand how close we are! Look at him now. Do you think we can have any chance of living even a falsely normal life? I'm not doing this for my benefit, but for our benefit.”
the melody of pain stopped
'Melody' is an odd choice. A melody suggests tunefulness; it's something pleasant to the ear. The squeals of a pained dragon are neither tuneful nor pleasant. Something like 'the squealing stopped' would be better.
Fox leaped out of her seat and ran into the chamber, in relief, happiness and anticipation
We don't need the bold! Stop clarifying! *Squirts you with spray bottle*
her mouth gaping in surprise.
If her mouth is hanging open, we know she's surprised! *Sprays you again*
Overall
1) I enjoyed the chapter, especially the first part of it. Fox's characterisation remains strong, though I still feel like I'd struggle to describe Jane and Jack's personalities to someone. Jane in particular needs work given how key to the story she is.
2) I think your story would benefit from more limitations and rules in regards to what science and magic are able to do. At the moment, there are none, which means you can get away with anything; Dragon was reborn with no explanation, and now he's been restored to humanoid form with no problems at all. An unregulated magical system is bad news, because it means that whenever there's an issue, Magic Can Fix It. This removes conflict and makes everything too easy.
Here's an article about creating rational magical systems. I'd recommend giving it a read.
3) I agree with MJ that it's strange Dragon wasn't anaesthetised. If there's a reason that he has to be awake for the procedure, you might want to allude to it.
4) I am glad to have Dragon back in humanoid form, but I think you give into temptation with his reappearance. It's too glamorous. If we're supposed to believe that he's just undergone an operation that could've killed him, it might do to have him groggy and out of it for a while. If you decide to change it so they anaesthetise him, he'd take a while to come round and be pretty spaced out for hours after. If you decide against the anaesthetic, he'll still have been in extreme pain for hours on end; it's hard to believe he wouldn't just collapse and sleep the moment the op was over. He wouldn't be back to normal the moment he woke up.
Exploring repercussions from the operation is a good way to humanise him, too. If you dedicate time to his recovery, we'll get to see him being vulnerable. It'll also make the operation less of a quick-fix solution; at the moment, it feels like a spontaneous plot device designed to reinstate the status quo with a click of the fingers (see what I said in point 2). I want to feel like there's some kind of cost to the operation. Even if he'll be as good as new in time, I want to see him struggle to get there. Make him pissed off and bed-ridden for a while. Make him ache from head to toe. Make even walking around the facility an ordeal for him. When I had my appendix out, I ended up crying like a baby because it was such a struggle to even walk to the bathroom - god only knows what recovering from bodily transformation would feel like!
My point is, make sure he isn't just back on his feet in a heartbeat. Make it realistic. This is a chance for character development. You've skimped on realism for the sake of action before, and that's one of the bigger flaws that I want to see you work on in future. That and building a rational system of magic.
Hope this helped! I always enjoy reading your work, and you really have come on leaps and bounds since the first chapter of Que Sera Sera. Sorry about the delay, by the way; I just couldn't into the reviewing mindset over the last few days.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Points: 46598
Reviews: 641
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