Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.
Chapter 5:
“Fox?!” Dragon stood up, his lips curling into a smile as he moved closer to the bars. “How did you guys get here?”“It was quite predictable that they’d send you to a random island in the North Sea area,” Fox replied. “I found out your exact location from a very reliable source.” Dragon smiled.
Jane. He thought.
“And who’s your girlfriend over there?” Fox looked over Dragon’s shoulder, at Alice.
“That’s Alice. She’s the one who created the lightning on the Shard last night.” Dragon replied. Alice stood up.
“Just who are you?” Alice demanded.
“Fox,” Fox replied. “Also known as ‘Fucking Bitch’ by my enemies.”
“I believe that ‘tis the time to get out of here.” Caruso intejected. Fox took one of the keys and opened the cell door. Dragon raised his eyebrow.
“I didn’t know you were immune to electricity.” He said. Fox quickly looked from Dragon to Alice, then back to Dragon.
“You’re very forgetful, aren’t you?” Fox said. “Of course I’m immune to electricity.”
“How’s our escape plan going to work?” Alice asked. Fox squinted at her, but still replied:
“Caruso disabled the CCTV,” Fox replied. “And Jack and I planned out a careful route of escape. Follow me.”
The group moved quickly, passing different cells on the way. Some were desolate and dry, but some had a maximum of two inmates within them. Dragon passed a cell which caught his interest instantly. Inside the cell, a little girl sat on her bed, alone. Dragon moved closer to the bars, but did not touch them.
“What are you doing here?” Dragon asked. The girl seemed shy and Dragon didn’t blame her. He crouched down to seem less dangerous. “You don’t need to be scared. You can tell me. I won’t hurt you; I swear.”
“I lost my Mummy and Daddy,” The girl answered in a timid little voice. “The tall men with guns took them away. They said I would see Mummy and Daddy again, but they never came back. Do you know where my Mummy and Daddy are?” Dragon stared at her in absolute horror and was on the verge of tears.
“Did Mummy and Daddy love you?” he asked. “Did they tell you how much they loved you?”
“Yes.” The girl replied. “They said they loved me a lot.”
Dragon hid his face in his hands, but his sobbing couldn’t go unheard. Fox walked up to him and looked down at him. She pitied him greatly. Fox then looked at the little girl in the cell and gave her a friendly smile.
“I promise we’ll find your Mummy and Daddy.” Fox said. Dragon stood up and looked at her. Their eyes met. Dragon’s eyes always turned sky blue when his tears reacted with them. Fox could tell what his face was trying to say.
What if they’re dead?
Fox looked at the girl again.
“I promise,” she repeated, “That Mummy and Daddy will come back safe and sound.”
“Thank you.” The girl replied. Fox grabbed Dragon by the hand and the moved along, slowly this time. When they were a long distance away from the cell, Fox looked Dragon in the eyes.
“Dragon,” she said, “You miss your family, don’t you?”
“I don’t.” Dragon replied, still sobbing. “I just want one that loves me.”
“I’m always here. I’ll always be here to comfo-” Fox’s sentence was cut short by someone sprinting towards them. Their heads turned swiftly to the direction of the sound. They saw Jane, sprinting towards them.
“You have to get out!” she said breathlessly when she got to them.
“That’s kind of what we’re in the process of doing.” Fox replied.
“You don’t understand,” Jane turned to Dragon. “Dragon, remember that girl on the Shard? She wasn’t there without a purpose. I overheard a meeting with the chief of this prison. They planned for you guys to be getting out like this. They got her to act as bait and get you into their trap.”
“What do they want to achieve by that?” Fox asked.
“I don’t know; that’s the part I wasn’t able to hear. You have to get out, no-” Jane sentence was cut short by a gunshot. Though Jane closed her eyes and clenched her jaw tightly, she didn’t feel any pain. In fact, opening her eyes caused her more pain than that bullet would’ve. She saw Dragon’s face, he was cringing in pain. Jane looked at his hand, she could she him holding a silver bullet between his middle and index finger. Well, what was left of them; the bullet had burnt through some parts of his fingers. Jane felt tears springing to her eyes. A familiar voice had Fox shaking in rage:
“Well, seems like I was correct; silver bullets do work better on you guys. Such a shame that that Senior Officer didn’t want to give his troops any.”
“Well, would you look at that,” Fox replied. “It seems like Miss Bitchy has decided to show her true colours. Lucky for you, Jack and Caruso are safe because I had a secret Plan B in case this would happen.”
“Safe in Hell? I guess you could say they are,” Alice smiled sadistically. Fox felt her mind being slowly overpowered by a wild fury. “Oh, and don’t worry; you’ll join them.”
“Then fuck me gently with a chainsaw.” Fox appeared next to Alice in less than a second, before knocking the gun out of her hand and serving a clean punch into her face. Fox moved back, as Dragon dropped the silver bullet between his fingers and looked at Alice, who staggered to her feet.
“You’re lucky I can regenerate minor wounds,” Dragon said, showing his two fingers, now back to normal. “Now, onto the fun par-” Dragon didn’t finish. He couldn’t. A silver bullet went through his chest and cut his breath short.
Author's Note: Haha. Here you were thinking I couldn't kill the main character. The question is: who killed him?
I hope you enjoyed this chapter and I look forward to your opinions!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Got so absorbed in the last chapter I forgot to turn on the tennis - you know how significant that is for me
OOPS I READ THE AUTHOR'S NOTE BEFORE I READ THE CHAPTER
*Ahem*
Nit-picks:
Missed new line.
How would Jane know his exact location? It seemed to be the military that took him, not the police.
I did not realise it was a new day.
I don't really see where that came from. What electricity was she interacting with?
I would have imagined they were in a hurry, and it would therefore be unlikely he would stop to say hello to someone.
Wait, isn't Thunder Girl escaping with them?
Overall:
Character: I think people should tell Dragon to hurry up when he talks to the little girl, but I like that he did. I do think it would be useful to know more about his family so that I can sympathise with his issues in this area. I think I need a single line from Alice explaining what her motive is. I have no idea why she'd turn on people that seem to be like her.
Setting: This is okay, but a wee bit more wouldn't hurt.
Plot: How does Jane keep ending up exactly where she needs to be? I'd need to have her established as someone in high authority at some point. I'm also surprised she wasn't temporarily put in a cell herself while the military talked to the police about what she was doing around their operation.
Also the cliffhanger works *extremely* well, but maybe don't bother mentioning it in your author's note, or don't put your author's note in bold
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
Okay. Chapter five. No need for introductions. You know who I am. You know why I'm here. *Cracks knuckles.* Let's get to the review!
There should be a paragraph between Dragon and Fox talking. Also, I find it kind of unbelievable that Jane can get Dragon's location in, what, a few hours? He should be under as much security as a nuclear missile.I.
II. I mean...Fox can teleport people. And was there any particular reason that Dragon and Alice were fighting on the Shard just a few hours ago and are now practically friends? It just seems like a quick turn of events.
III. Sorry, but this... doesn't seem likely. Jane got to the top of the Shard after Dragon, right? And how did she get into this top-secret base? She didn't teleport in with Fox (or if she did, I missed it). Also, why does there need to be an elaborate scheme to trap Dragon? They just had him in a cage. Maybe they have a failsafe in case he escapes, but it seems weird to imprison him just so that you can let him get out and then catch him again.
IV. Silver bullets are a bit clichéd because of werewolves. Iron is supposed to work on fairies and demons, so I'd consider that or some other metal.
Like I said, the plot to kill Dragon had a few flaws. However (I feel like a horrible person for saying this) I applaud your decision to kill him off. He had become too powerful, too untouchable. The mighty must fall. The gods must die. It's still a bit hazy about who the villains are as you haven't established any real reason that the villains want to hunt down and capture the enhanced. Also, I would have liked a nice scene where Fox and Dragon enter a room to see Jack and Caruso's bodies. Unless you have a plan for Jane being here, I'd leave it at that. She seems to show up to deliver convenient information and then kind of becomes irrelevant.
Keep writing!
Feltrix
I'll be back for a review after I finish fuming at you for killing Dragon
Some particular areas of improvement-
This is a perspective switch that you can get away with since it's not really from the perspective of a particular character, but it seems a little sudden and unprecedented. We're kinda zooming into Jane's mind with no previous notice, so just mentioning that we're shifting into Jane's mind will make this section seem a bit smoother.OK, I'm back now. Sorry, I just loved Dragon so much
But besides that, I loved this story
Somehow I missed when Dragon was moved. It is possible that I'm just blind, but I would've thought that you would've emphasized that a bit more than you did. If it was mentioned in passing, I might not be the only person who glossed over it. It's not a huge deal, just something to be aware of when you're proceeding.
I also enjoyed the tense dialogue between the characters. It's now obvious how dislikeable Alice is, to the point where I sometimes want to punch her in the face (which is a good thing in this case) and the conflict between Fox and Alice. It's sometimes humorous how much they clearly fight with each other, and weaving in humor to such a dark story is a talent I'm a little bit envious of
I read some other reviews, and if it means anything, I honestly think that Dragon's reaction to the little girl wasn't rushed. I can relate to how it's the littlest things that can push you over the edge, and considering how sensitive Dragon is to any mention of loving families, it seems quite believable.
And one final nitpick:
Other than that, the dramatic plot twist you hinted at finally hit. I'm looking forward to seeing how the other characters respond to Dragon's death and just where this story goes. This twist really gave the section a feeling of originality since was a buildup to some big dramatic action at the end, and you definitely delivered. So great job there- it was the perfect arrangement before you delivered the fatal blow
Best wishes,
MJ
Thank you for the feedback and I regret nothing
You're so heartless XD
Hello again!
I know this is already out of the green room but I didn't want to move onto the next chapter without reviewing this one first. Sorry, it took so long to get around to doing this.
Firstly, why did you kill him?! Please tell me he lives and you're just being cruel and playing with your reader's hearts. Anyway, emotional rant over, I do think his death could be slower with more description. It was very sudden and I didn't feel the full impact of his death, though I know I probably will in the next chapter. I think it's important to do this because he is such an important character that it needs to be dramatic.
I have to say I love Fox's sass in this chapter especially though her dialogue choices, it really helps to build up her character. I would love to see more of this personality being shown through the previous chapters because it helps to create more interesting characters.
I think you needed to mention Alice's name earlier after she shoots at Dragon because for a moment I didn't know who was speaking. At first, I thought it might be the officer guy from the shared.
I think this is a good way to end the chapter it definitely makes me want to continue onto the next chapter, which I will actually do. When you said something big was going to happen, I didn't quite realise it was going to be this
Overall, a really good chapter and I can't wait to read the next chapter. Happy writing ^_^
I'm glad you liked it *evil laugh* I really wanted to see how my readers would react to Dragon dying. My prediction was correct
Thank you for your feedback, I really appreciate it! You might want to go read Chapter 6 
Hi there!
I read your author's note first in case there was anything you had questions about, and I wasn't sure about this when I saw you said you killed the main character. But how will you keep telling the story, I thought, if the viewpoint character has been killed off?
But once I read the chapter, things worked out all right on that front. You seem to be in more of an omniscient viewpoint, so things are still clearly able to go on even without the main character.
I think if you really want us to question who killed him, however, you might want to create more possibilities as to the answer. I mean, Alice is the only one who seems to try in this chapter, which is already a betrayal (although less of one than his other friends), but she dropped the gun and is just now getting back to her feet. However, the gun was knocked away so quickly - really just mentioned in passing - that I forgot it had happened, so when I reached this question I was like, "Alice, of course" until I read over it again.
I want to echo DarkPanemonium in saying Dragon's reaction to the little girl seemed like an overreaction. I did assume immediately (since I haven't read any of this prior to this point) that something similar had happened to his own parents, and that's why the little girl's plight touched him so much.
All the same, breaking down sobbing because some stranger is in the midst of an experience similar to yours is a little much.
I also thought this line was a little odd.
That's just considering that Fox had this line earlier.
Like she literally just met Alice, but the "Miss B*tchy" line made it sound like they were already pretty well acquainted and had always rubbed each other the wrong way.
Finally, I'd suggest adding a little to this.
I know it happens suddenly and unexpectedly (not least because Alice dropped the gun), but guns aren't exactly a sneaky, silent killer. (Even guns with a silencer on them make a noise. Just a much, much quieter one.) So it sort of read weird. It would probably help just to include the actual gunshot in there somewhere, the sound of it, I mean.
Thanks for your feedback! The question was more or less there to make the reader think and build up a little bit more tension. I recommend you read the other four chapters so you have a better idea of what's going on. The part with Fox's comment about "Miss B*tchy" is kind of a casual thing, you'd have to read the other chapters to get more information on Fox's personality. Once again, thanks for your review!
Hi, DragonNoir. Back again.
Well well well, I was not expecting that. I know you said something dramatic was going to happen in this chapter, but I didn't realise it would be that dramatic. I feel like things are going to get very interesting now.
Once again, you're improving all the time. I'm glad to be seeing more characterisation for Fox - some of her dialogue really made me laugh - and I'm interested to see how she reacts to Dragon's death from here on out. Your grammar and punctuation are picking up as well, though there are still a few stumbles on the dialogue that I'll highlight in the review. I'm going to make this into another chronological critique, as there are no real issues that permeate the entire piece this time.
There's nothing wrong with the dialogue in itself, but it did make me think 'wait, what?' This rescue attempt has been formulated incredibly quickly. Given that the whole thing is a set up, it wouldn't be surprising if Fox and co. found it easier to break into the base than they might normally, but it's hard to believe that they would be able to go and rescue Dragon just hours after he was taken, especially considering that he's at a base in the North Sea. I'd expect it to take at least a fortnight to arrange. It feels like you're letting the pacing go haywire because you want to get to where the drama is.
In a future draft of the story, I think it might be a good idea to insert some extra passages about Dragon's time in this facility - maybe even a chapter based on it. It would give the reader some breathing room between the action scenes, as well as providing an excellent opportunity to show more interaction between Dragon and Alice. I feel like Alice turning on them would have much more impact if we saw more of her before it happened, because at the moment we don't really have any time to form an opinion of her.
Brilliant bit of dialogue, but you should delete the bold. We can tell from the fact that she says her name who's speaking.
Maybe be a bit more careful about where you use 'tis'. Just try reading that sentence aloud: nobody would say "that 'tis" because its far too impractical to say at speed - you have to deliberately separate the 't's to stop it coming out 'that is'. I get that you want to show how overly formal he is, but there are better ways to do that than hammering 'tis's into every sentence. Even if he said something like 'I believe we ought to be departing' the reader would get the gist of his character.
See what I mentioned in my review of the previous chapter. You do get the punctuation right on some of the dialogue, but I still see a lot of incorrect capitalisation and full stop-usage. It should be written like this:
'“I didn’t know you were immune to electricity,” he said.'
Dry? As opposed to a wet cell? I didn't really understand this description. I also question whether a high-security facility would make inmates double up in cells. It seems like the kind of place where solitary confinement would be the norm.
Dragon full-on weeping at the little girl's words seems a bit extreme to me. It's so sudden, and she didn't really say anything that heartbreaking. By all means have him be affected - maybe he swallows a lump in his throat or feels himself starting to well up - but sobbing is too melodramatic.
Unnecessary adverb! Just say 'she panted' or 'she wheezed'.
I've read this passage a few times and I still find it quite confusing. What exactly is going on here? Was Jane hit with a bullet or just Dragon? Why would opening her eyes cause her more pain? I'd suggest you rewrite this bit.
Smirked. I'd use smirked.
Maybe my favourite line.
Odd choice of verb. 'Serving' makes it sound like she was offering it up on a platter. Maybe try for something like 'throwing a clean punch' or 'slamming her fist into her face' - though actually 'knocking the gun out of her hand and punching her in the face' would probably work as well as anything.
Wham line! Excellent closing sentence, though I think you could choose a better verb than 'went' - something like 'ripped' or 'tore'.
That's it for minor points. I don't have any particular general points, other than my concerns for the fact pacing and request that we see more of Alice before her antagonistic nature is revealed. And definitely revise the fact that this escape attempt takes place so soon after Dragon's capture, because that really stretches the suspension of disbelief.
However, as always, it was a very enjoyable chapter. And props to you for doing what I least expected - and there I was worrying that Dragon was invincible.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Thank you for your feedback! I'll try my best to improve and I'm glad you liked it!