Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.
Chapter 3:
Dragon woke up in a lab room, strapped to a mattress. Around him, he could see a pentagram, drawn with either red paint or blood. Dragon’s breathing sped up steadily as he struggled to get out of this trap. Suddenly, he heard a familiar voice and stopped squirming, but held his breath.
“Don’t worry.” Dr. Black said. “It’ll be over soon. Our Lord, Satan, will send one of his Demons into your body after we perform the chant. You’ll obey us and you will never leave. Not until the plan is 100% ready.” Dr. Black turned around to the door and yelled, “Everything’s ready!”
Soon, Dragon saw he was surrounded by about five scientists, of which he only knew Dr. Black. The two of them did not have any pleasant memories. Most of them consisted of beatings and verbal abuse. Dragon felt his sanity fading away as the scientists chanted in a monotone melody. Soon, his vision began going black. Before it did, he recalled what he heard two of the scientists say before the ritual:
“We’re doing it to the other three as well?”
“Of course. Those pieces of shit deserve no better. Even worse, in fact.”
In about an instant, Dragon felt so much stronger. He felt better, bigger and deadlier. He opened his eyes and saw he was much taller than before. His body was no longer skinny, but muscular. He also noticed a black scaly outfit which he was dressed in. By just moving his arm, he snapped each strap one by one. The scientists were unsure whether to run or do that stereotypical evil laugh. Dragon rose to his feet, he could see how much taller he was than them. He smiled devilishly.
“Satan gave me a present for you.” He said. “A one-way ticket to Hell.” Dragon threw himself at Dr. Black as his first prey. He sunk his razor-sharp fangs into his neck, before violently jerking his head back, setting a fountain of blood loose. He looked directly at the other scientists, who cowered in intense fear. He smiled in pleasure and satisfaction. He lurched at them and torn them each to pieces, as if they were made of paper. He punched the closed iron door of the lab, sending it flying into the corridor. Dragon noticed his sharpened sense of smell and used it to track his other friends. That was until he felt a bullet hit the back of his neck. His world went black and his fate started to resemble his scales: black, but covered in blood stains.
“Is that really all you can remember?” Fox asked. Dragon nodded, as if in shame.
“‘Tis but not a problem.” Caruso said warmly. “We will be sure to make it certain that nothing like that happens ever again. Somehow.”
“Fox,” Dragon looked at her with a face Fox never saw. “Can I speak to you on the balcony? I know we can’t have secrets, but it’s something I want to share with you.” Fox looked at Jack and Caruso.
“Go ahead, we don’t need to share everything between us. Privacy is still a thing around here, right?” Jack said. Fox smiled and followed Dragon onto the balcony.
Dragon leaned onto the metal perimeter. Fox could see the metal slowly turning red under his arms. Dragon did not seem the slightest bit alarmed. Suddenly, Dragon took a deep breath and blew out a small jet of bright fire into the air before them. The fire artistically somersaulted in the air and connected with its tail in a heart shape. The heart slowly glided down to Fox, who stretched out her palm, allowing the heart to land on it. She didn’t jerk backwards in pain, instead she felt a very warm and pleasant sensation. Fox looked up at Dragon. She smiled as tears of joy sprung out of her eyes.
“Thank you.” She said, her voice slightly shaky. Dragon smiled back and moved his arms from the fence, leaving the metal in an almost liquid state.
“Fox,” He said. “I want to start building a friendship with a Human. You already met her and you kind of know what she’s like… right?”
“Why are you referring to Humans as if you aren’t one yourself?” Fox asked. “You may not be what society deems ‘Human’ based on your looks and what you can do, but you are Human on the inside. I know you are.”
“It’s just… I’m scared. I’m scared of what will happen if they catch us.” Fox allowed the fire heart to float next to her and she threw herself at Dragon’s chest, embracing it with all her strength.
“Don’t be scared, my brave Dragon.” She said, “You are strong. You are Dragon Noir. You don’t have to be afraid. Human soldiers have nothing on you.”
“My heart has has a much stronger grip on my actions than my mind. I don’t know whether I’ll be able to fight them...”
“Dragon.” Fox moved back, the fire heart next to her brightening up her amber eyes. “You are a very capable person. You have to believe in yourself, London’s safety depends partially on you.” Suddenly, a loud thunderbolt smashed into the top of the Shard, not far from their flat. Dragon looked at Fox.
“I’m going there.” He said, a strong sense of determination radiated from him like heat. Fox nodded in approval. With a single flap of his wings, he was gone.
Jane rushed up into the Shard after a loud thunderbolt hit it. She had a very bad feeling.
If it’s another one, we’ve got a very big problem. Jane thought. Fox and Dragon are bad enough. I don’t want more of those kind of people to show up for the safety of those two.
Jane ran into the huge glass building and attempted to use the lift. After pressing the button many times, without effect, she sighed heavily and let out a quiet groan.
“Why do I have to use the stairs…?” She said, sounding as if she was about to burst into tears. She got a hold of herself and rushed up the long… Long… Long staircase. The higher she got, the more her stamina faded.
Why the Shard, for fuck’s sake? Jane thought. Why not Big Ben? That’s still tall, but at least shorter than this piece of glass.
She stumbled through a door onto the roof of the Shard, where she was greeted with fire and thunder. She saw Dragon duelling with a girl. She was dressed in casual clothes: a denim jacket, a short pink skirt and black tights, along with pink and white trainers. The only things which were out of the ordinary were her murky green hair with thunderbolt-shaped streaks of yellow in it and her bright yellow eyes. She grasped a sword made of pure thunder, but she seemed to be struggling against Dragon and his immense strength.
Then, Jane got an idea.
She took out her pistol from her pocket and aimed at the girl’s shoulder. Jane was forced to move the gun every second because of how rapidly the girl and Dragon were fighting. Suddenly, Dragon dropped his sword and grabbed the girl around her neck, before rotating her to face Jane. Jane took the chance almost instantly and fired three times. All three bullets hit a target. Two hit Dragon, one hit the girl. The girl fell to the ground in pain, while Dragon stood strong. Jane ran over to the girl and quickly placed handcuffs on her while she could. Jane quickly turned to Dragon.
“You have to run, quickly.” She said. “The military could arrive any second now and they will capture you.”
“Jane, relax. You’ve seen how strong I am, I can handle them. Besides, I think it’s time I face the Human race.” Suddenly, a large helicopter flew over their heads. It circled the Shard for a while, before stopping directly over them. Ropes fell down to the ground and soldiers followed them. They all aimed their rifles at Dragon, while Jane quickly ran off down the stairs while she still could, leaving Dragon where he was.
An important figure stepped forwards. It was a Higher Officer, Dragon could tell by his uniform. The officer was tall and well-trained, but of course he was no match for Dragon. “Dragon Noir, that’s your name right?” The officer spoke in a deep, manly voice.
“Yes, that’s my name.” Dragon replied, straightening his back in confidence and pride.
“You will be put under our custody. I hope you wish to cooperate.”
“And what if I don’t want to cooperate?” Dragon asked.
“Then I’ve got rocket launchers outside the Shard waiting for you.” Dragon simply laughed at the threat.
“I can fly at Mach 5 speed, do you seriously think your rocket launchers have anything on me? That’s not even my full speed.”
“Will jet fighters with guided missiles suffice then?” Dragon put on a more serious face. Not because he was scared, but because he didn't want to put the military's forces to shame and one more reason:
“Look, I have no intention of allowing any test to be done on me. I am a mistake which should have never happened. Mankind should have never seen or created me. I am a product of pure hatred and anger and I don’t want to let this anger out on everyone in this world. Instead, I want to help others, so that they don’t have to go through the same pain as me.” The officer was unphased.
“That’s a nice little speech you made there, now get into the helicopter.”
“Never.” Dragon spread his wings and growled, revealing his sharp fangs.
Author's Note: Thanks for reading this chapter! I hope I improved since the last chapter! I really should get working on Aschenputtel, shouldn't I...? Meh, I'll do it later when I have any good ideas for writing it out. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter!
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Here I go again
Nit-picks:
I would take out "about". It makes it seem less sudden.
It seems surprising that he could be so smooth after what is presumably a huge shock.
There should be asterisks before this second line. I know this is sometimes because of yws messing up the formatting though.
It would be more immersive if you described the scene before she realised what she was looking at.
Overall:
Character: I don't really understand Jane's motivations at this point. Why does she trust Dragon so easily? What if this was someone who had pissed him off for a minor reason and he was just fighting with her? She can't be sure it was her who caused the lightning bolt. Presumably it could literally just be lightning. The bit between Fox and Dragon near the start was really nice though
Setting: I hadn't realised this was London, so it would be nice to have it set firmly there earlier, so that it's less of a jolt. I'm starting to understand the world this takes place in a bit better. They sort of know of the "freaks" but they're worried about trying to go up against them. This is fine, but should probably have come out a bit earlier.
Plot: My main question here is why was Jane at the shard? She was so conveniently in the right place at the right time that it feels really forced. If she was on a police operation, presumably she should have a team with her. Also, I don't think the London police are armed. I was just there, and I didn't see any police with guns.
I do really like the conflict within Dragon though, and I look forward to that developing more.
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
Third review, third chapter. Let's go.
I. Ah, some background on Dragon's abilities. Good. The introduction of Dr. Black was a bit abrupt, though. And if they worship the devil, why do they think giving Dragon to him is a bad thing?
II. I think we need more descriptions of the lab. We know that there's a pentagram and scientists and Dragon is tied to ... something. Is it dark? Are there windows? Wall paintings?
III. I'm not sure if this was intentional, but it seems pretty naïve for Caruso to say "It's not going to happen, 'cause we're just going to stop it." with no plan.
IV. Didn't Dragon kill all the scientists who enacted the experiment/devil summoning? If so, why are the (I'm just going to call them 'enhanced') enhanced worried about it happening again? Anyway, the results weren't so bad.
V. When lightning strikes, why does Jane immediately think "There's going to be more of the enhanced?" And I'd describe. what the Shard looks like for people who don't know.
VI. Can you describe the fight a little more than just "Dragon and the girl were dueling?" Also, it seems like a fairly obvious decision to try shooting the bad guy.
VII. How does the military know who Dragon is?
Ooh, general plot is starting to get going now. I was a bit confused about the lightning and why everyone seems to think that that means there's another enhanced. And why didn't the other enhanced people go to help Dragon? But anyway, the plot is getting along rather well, and it's good to get some backstory. Anyway, most of my main suggestions from last time are still relevant, but anyway, good job.
Keep writing!
Feltrix
Thank you for your feedback! I'm sorry for the lack of description, but I'll try my best to not make that mistake in the future. I'm glad you're enjoy it nevertheless!
Don't apologize! I (probably) have about the same amount of writing experience as you. Don't take anything I say THAT seriously.
Okay, the other reviewers got in quite a lot, so I'm just going to point out two things that stood out to me.
I'm not a huge fan of clothing description at the best of times, unless it's unusual clothing. Like who gives a fig what the character's wearing, unless it's something unusual or unusual for that character? It's fine if the viewpoint character is artistically or fashionably inclined, because of course that kind of person might notice someone's clothing, but otherwise it always stands out to me in a bad way.
But the main reason it didn't work here is that Jane runs up to stop Dragon and Alice in the middle of a BATTLE, and almost the first thing she notices is Alice's clothing. What? No, man. No, your friend (at least it seems like she and Dragon are friends) is in the middle of a duel with a girl with a sword made of thunder (p.s. how does she know it's made of thunder? thunder is a sound, so what would that look like, exactly?)...and she notices the girl's (quite ordinary) clothing. It was bizarrely out of place, not to mention an unimportant detail.
And then things like this.
Nope nope nope. It can be tempting sometimes to make sure readers understand how a character is feeling, but saying "smile of pleasure" is telling, not showing...AND it's super obvious. If a character smiles, we can usually figure out why. For one thing, a smile can be assumed to be a smile of joy, pleasure, or satisfaction unless it's specifically described as grim/cheerless/etc. For another thing, once we know a character and the particular situation in which they're smiling, we'll probably know precisely why they're smiling. Similarly, people do not need to "cower in fear" or "straighten in confidence" or anything else like that. Trust your readers! They'll be able to figure it out.
Why, hello again. MJ dropping by for another quick review! This story takes on a very differentn tone than previous chapters, so I'll be discussing some of the positives (and negatives) of your story!
I think there should be just a little more indication here that this is a memory and not something that's happening in the present. Your use of tense also confuses the reader a little because you have both in past tense, which isn't necessarily a problem, but it makes a better transition even more necessary.First off, I think that Dragon's character has drastically changed in this chapter. He became suddenly much more intense and sharp, rather than the flippant and cheeky character he had been before. While I do very much enjoy how the intensity is rising and think for the most part it's generally well-balanced, I think that for here it should be a little more gradual. If his remarks are just softened a little bit, that will greatly aid the transition into the more intense version of Dragon.
Another big thing you're lacking here is transitions. You don't transition from chapter to chapter with much explanation of how the plot has changed or the shift in scenery. Here is an example of when it occured mid-plot:
And where did Caruso come from? I think that when you introduce new characters, you lack a little bit of some sort of introduction to their character. While it would be a bad idea to go on a paragraph-long detailed description of them, some indication of who they are and what they're doing there would be helpful.
Also, you sometimes had some characters make really hasty statements that don't fit quite with the previous buildup but are necessary to move the plot along. If you transition better from idea to idea, your writing will be more fluent and your separate plot ideas will be more connected. For example:
I don't really see Dragon as referring to humans as if they were a separate species. This is a bit of a stretch, and sometimes when the story is too stretched it starts to rip, just like clothes (Trust me, I know from experience- both in stories and in real life). That may be what's starting to happen now, and I would encourage you to rein it in before it gets too out of control.
And a final nitpick before I'm on my way:
There's a bit of a contradiction here. To me, carrying a sword made of pure thunder is a little out of the ordinary. It's casually mentioned, which is fine, but it still would stand out, even to a magical species.
Overall, your biggest problem here was transition and introductions. Sometimes your transitions were shaky, but a few moderate changes here and there could make your writing smoother. Introducing and explaining the scenes and the people present there will also give your reader an overview of what's happening. But other than that, I'm really enjoying this series! The unique idea of two separate species coming together mixed in with fast-paced action is really intriguing, and I love seeing how the characters are being shaped and formed through the plot progression.
Best wishes,
MJ
Thank you for your feedback! I'll be sure to work on my introductions and transitions in future chapters. I'm glad you like the story!
Hello again!
Okay, I'm guessing you don't live in England or don't know much about the police force because officers in England don't carry guns and if they do it's in special situations and always as a group. I find that this chapter lacks realistic events, the lightening on the shard bringing out a full force of officers, the special agents arriving by helicopter, Jane shooting her gun (only an average of 4 bullets are fired by police officers every year in England), the rocket launchers, jet fighters with guided missiles (in a built up city like London?). If this isn't somewhere you live, change it to a city somewhere you do. It wouldn't take much, nothing really shouts London apart from the landmarks.
However I do understand what you are trying to get at, it's exciting but I kept thinking "but that wouldn't happen". You could have the special agents stomping up the stairs through a moment of silence, whilst also creating tension because the reader doesn't know who it is. In England, police officers use taser guns, sending electricity through the offender's body, so she could use on of those.
I love the way Dragon's personality comes through his dialogue. I think that this could be done even better through the use of speech verbs ( https://archiewahwah.wordpress.com/speech-verbs-list/ ) because using adverbs isn't giving the reader the same effect. I think that it will help get across the point of dialogue such as this "“I can fly at Mach 5 speed, do you seriously think your rocket launchers have anything on me? That’s not even my full speed.”" You could say "he boasted" or "he hissed" depending on what you want.
I would put the flashback in italics just so it makes it more obvious when it stops and I like that we are getting some insight into what happened to Dragon and I'm guessing the other three.
Overall, I think this chapter has the most potential for a really good chapter. Happy writing ^_^
Thanks for your feedback! Actually, I do live in England and I know well enough how the police operate around here. However, I think you're missing the point that Jane is an undercover agent. As well as this, don't you think containing a powerful threat such as Dragon Noir and Lightning Girl (that's not her actual name, I just kind of said that so you know what I'm on about) requires a lot of force? Apart from that, I thank you once more for your review!
Oh, I thought she was a cop and I haven't got much of an understanding how this world differs from our own. Maybe referring to the gun as something other than "pistol" would help. It makes me think of westerns and then America. Did you say that she was an undercover agent, am I just being blind?
I implied it, but I understand why you got mixed up
It makes more sense now, why she was there at the shard so quickly and why she was alone. I often read too quickly and don't take in implied stuff, it's why I re-read a lot of my books
Hi, DragonNoir! Back for a second review.
I think this is the best chapter yet, definitely. It's better paced, and you take more care to pause and dwell on quieter moments before rushing onto the next. The flashback is intriguing (I didn't expect devil worshippers!) and you end the chapter on a blistering cliffhanger, which I like. I do like that we see a more vulnerable side to Dragon, as well.
However, onto the critique. I think I'll work through it chronologically, as I did in my previous review.
This is what I'd call For The Audience dialogue. In the context of the scene, it wouldn't really make much sense for Dr Black to explain what he was about to do, to Dragon nor to his colleagues. The other scientists presumably know what the procedure is going to entail, and seeing as Dragon is an unwilling test subject, I can't see why they'd stop to explain it to him. It also dampens the tension a little, as it tells the reader far too much about Dragon's origins. If you simply had:
"Don't worry," Dr Black said. "It'll be over soon."
It would be much more ominous, no? It raises all sorts of questions in the reader's mind: what are they doing to him? Why are they doing it? How will they do it? By holding back on the information, you compel your reader to stick with the story, as well as making the dialogue feel much more authentic.
This line is quite confusing. Do you mean that Dragon doesn't have any pleasant memories of Dr Black? Because at the moment it makes it seem like neither have any personal pleasant memories in general. You could phrase it as something like: 'he had no pleasant memories of him'.
Two things.
1) You have a habit of capitalising 'He' in the reporting clause and closing speech with a full stop. The proper way to format a sentence like this would be:
"Satan gave me a present for you," he said. "A one-way ticket to Hell."
If you're going to say he said/she said/they said after dialogue, the pronoun should never be capitalised.
2) Perhaps this is more a matter of taste, but this dialogue doesn't feel very real to me. Considering that Dragon has just noticed a huge shift in his anatomy and suddenly has unexpected new powers, I don't think he'd be composed enough to come out with some perfectly timed witty remark. No matter how cool and collected someone is, I think being subject to a demon ritual and then discovering your entire body has changed would be enough to make them lose their head. He wouldn't have a clue what was happening to him.
It makes sense to have him rampage, of course, but I think the scene would pack more punch if it was darkly violent rather than comic book violent. You could have him terror-stricken and animalistic, tearing the scientists apart almost by instinct and then freaking out at being capable of it. Have him panic. Show that he can be ruffled. Even if they deserve it, it's a harrowing and unsettling thing to murder someone.
Really liked this. I'd suggest deleting 'razor-sharp' (as 'fangs' already suggests sharpness) and 'violently' ('jerking' works just fine as a standalone verb), but it's a really evocative bit of description.
I'd delete the last bit. It's too flowery and indulgent.
Also, a quick note - make sure you include some kind of indicator to mark the passage of time between the flashback and the present day scene. An extra line could do fine, but I believe an asterisk or a dash would be suitable also. Likewise, you need some kind of indicator to mark the end of the scene with Dragon and Fox and the shift towards Jane's POV.
Don't tell us it's artistic, show it! Describe how the fire loops and ribbons through the air, or how it trails whorls of smoke, or how it twists like something alive. Try not to fall back on adverbs.
This made me smile.
Okay, here we have an issue with time-and-place description. Jane has just been greeted with the sight of two superhero-level beings throwing fire and thunder at each other, and yet she's had the time to notice what the girl is wearing? And her eye-colour? I've got friends who I've known for the best part of a year and I couldn't tell you their eye colour with confidence. People don't notice smallish details as much as we tend to think they do, especially if something else is holding their attention. If Jane's just walked in on a duel, she'd be far more likely to notice the heat of it, the flashes of thunder, the smell of the smoke, rather than anything specific about the foe. Your narration, despite being in third person, should reflect that.
If you're deliberately writing the dialogue to be a bit OTT and sending his confidence up a little, then that's fine. However, if he is intended to strike fear here, I'd recommend making it a bit less hammy. 'That's not even my full speed' comes dangerously close to the parodied 'this isn't even my final form'.
If you want to keep the arrogance but make it a little less exaggerated, you could easily cut it down to something like: 'You seriously think your rocket launchers have anything on me?'
General Points
1) Resist the urge to clarify! Resist resist resist, tempting as it may be! This is true in regards to both the backstory (as I said, you don't need to have Dr Black explain his procedure off the bat) and more general parts of the writing. Very often I see things like 'she fell to the ground in pain' or 'he straightened his back in confidence', where you clarify the thought or sensation behind the action rather than leaving the reader to infer it. Avoid this wherever you can. In most cases, the reader can work it out for themselves, and by hammering it home you're only preventing them from engaging in the story and filling in the gaps.
2) Cut out the 'very's. You use it about four times, I think. It's acceptable in dialogue, because people use unnecessary words all the time, but in prose it's just a rather bland intensifier.
3) You may well have something in mind, in which case this point is rather null and void, but I hope that you plan to introduce something that Dragon isn't strong enough to handle at some point. He seems pretty invincible right now, which lowers the sense of jeopardy by a large margin because we never really worry for him, y'know? We always feel like he'll be able to handle it. So I hope we can expect to see him come up against something that really does knock him back eventually.
Hoo boy, that review ended up longer than I expected. I never know when to stop! Still, while it may seem like a lot of points, I definitely think this chapter is the best so far and I continue to be engaged in the story. I'll be keeping an eye out for the next chapter.
Hope this helped!
Keep writing!
~Pan