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Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Que Sera Sera Chapter 12

by DragonNoir


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Chapter 12:

Fox woke up in the middle of the night, disturbed by a terrifying nightmare. She dreamt of Alice returning, and killing Dragon in front of her.

Fox acknowledged that she probably won't be able to sleep normally, so she decided to take a short walk around the bunker. Standing up and walking up to the door, she heard footsteps in the corridor. She slowly opened the window to find Dragon out in the corridor. Fox could easily tell by his awkward walking that he wasn't awake. She debated whether following him was a good idea, but when disappeared at the end of the corridor, Fox finally made the decision to follow him.

She placed her steps carefully on the iron floor, making sure she didn't make any noise. She walked in a crouching position, should anyone else notice her. Dragon snored quite loudly, but those snores were followed by cute “rawr”s - Fox struggled to keep herself calm over that. She reall wished she had some kind of camcorder. She regained her cool as they passed by Ryan's office. Fox could hear him talking on the phone, but couldn't make out what was being said. Dragon carried on walking, as if he was in a completely different world. As they left Ryan's office behind them, Fox started worrying as she heard Dragon whisper faintly:

They left… Me to die...

Suddenly, they came to a large door. Fox expected Dragon to walk into it and wake up, but instead, he simply lightly pushed it open. Fox stared at the destroyed lock in horror, before looking at the things behind the door. There, she saw the beautiful night sky with shining stars and the glowing full moon. She looked around and saw the bunker was in a countryside area. Fox found strong relief in being away from the city crowds.

Suddenly, she saw Dragon walk out into the open moonlight. In an instant, Dragon woke up from his dream.

“Wha...?” he shook his head, confused. “Where am I...?”

“Are you ok?” Fox asked. Dragon’s head snapped round and looked at Fox. He smiled clemently and sighed.

“I am now.”

They sat down on the ground, leaning against the bunker wall and staring at the sky.

“How did you even manage to get to sleep?” Fox asked, “I thought your nightmares wouldn't let you sleep.”

“I just tried dreaming of a perfect world,” Dragon replied, “Or at least one where the Enhanced were deemed normal by society and where you and I…” Dragon didn't finish his sentence, but Fox knew very well what he was trying to say.

“Do you remember anything from your trance?” Fox asked, changing the subject.

“No. For some reason, I don't remember anything.”

Fox shrugged. She looked up at the starry sky above.

“I love being away from the city. I feel… Free, and happy.”

“I fully understand,” Dragon replied, cuddling her. “I feel that way too.”

Fox stared into his wild green eyes, Dragon stared into her eyes of crackling amber. They moved closer together, inching their faces towards each other. Fox felt the tension building up inside her.

What am I doing?! She thought. I never expected this to take such a drastic turn!

Fox battled the urge, but her mind was soon left powerless against her instincts. Their eyes closed as their lips met and kissed passionately. After a minute, Fox’s head snapped away from his.

“I’m sorry,” she said, her face glowing red.

“What are you sorry for?” Dragon asked calmly, yet he seemed quite surprised.

“I couldn't stop myself. It's all really a surprise to me, I mean my emotions towards you and all.”

He leaned in towards her.

“Fox, trust me, I didn't feel comfortable with my emotions for you at first either. I, the ‘brave’ Dragon Noir, was scared of what I felt for you.”

They smiled at each other, before Fox moved back closer to him. As she laid her head on his muscular chest, she felt his strong heartbeat was very relaxed and slow. Dragon’s head fell lightly onto her shoulder. He whispered into her ear:

“I love you Fox.”

Fox started tearing up.

“I love you too.”

Before they knew it, they were asleep.

***

“Excuse me…?”

They were woken by a tall man, he couldn't have been older than Dragon. He had fox ears like Fox and looked pretty much like a male version of Fox costume-wise. He also looked strangely familiar to Fox. She stood up. The man was a bit taller than her.

“Who are you?” she demanded.

“Oh, I don't really have a name… I forgot it when I became Enhanced… That's what it's called right?”

“Yes, it is,” Fox replied. As she did, Male-Fox’s eyes widened, as if in realisation. Dragon tilted his head in confusion, still sitting on the ground.

“You ok there?” Dragon asked, a note of suspicion played in his voice. Male-Fox snapped out of his trance.

“Oh… Yeah, I'm fine. You can call me Fox, if that suits yo-”

“It doesn't,” Fox cut in. “Because my name is already Fox.”

“Oh…”

“How about ‘Vixen’?” Dragon suggested. Fox rolled her eyes and sighed at his stupidity. Male-Fox responded exactly the opposite.

“That sounds like a nice name!” he smiled. “From now on, you can call me Vixen.”

Fox found it hard to believe a male fox agreed to be called ‘Vixen’, but she kept her opinion to herself.

“I'm Dragon, nice to meet you Vixen,” Dragon stood up and shook his hand happily. Fox really questioned his state of mind, but, again, stayed quiet. Suddenly, Jack and Jane appeared in the entrance to the bunker, they sighed in relief to see Dragon and Fox in one piece.

“Jesus, you two!” Jack said abruptly. “Care to turn up to breakfast on our first morning here?”

“Wait, what time is it?” Fox asked.

“It's nearly 11:00, meaning it's almost an hour past breakfast time.”

Fox and Dragon looked at each other with their eyes wide open in shock.

“Who's that new friend of yours?” Jane asked.

“I'm Vixen,” Vixen spoke out.

“Jack and Jane, nice to meet ya,” Jack responded.

“We'll take him to Ryan, you two go eat something. You must be pretty hungry,” Jane said. Fox tried to decipher what that was supposed to mean implicitly, but couldn't find anything other than Jane hoping she chokes on her food. Even then, it made Fox want to rip Jane's insides out.

They went to the cafeteria as they were instructed and were given hardly a 5-star breakfast: from what Fox could understand, it was probably supposed to be porridge, but looked like an ostrich threw up on a plate. Dragon, on the other hand, got a meatier breakfast in the form of a half-cooked steak. Dragon was forced to cook it up a bit more with his fire breath. The cafeteria itself was pretty unnerving; its walls were murky green and there was barely any ventilation. It was quite large, though Fox could tell that there couldn't be enough people in such a small bunker to fill the cafeteria.

Once they started their meal, Fox decided to talk to Dragon. The porridge didn't really taste that bad, but those were the unused leftovers from breakfast.

“You know,” she started, “You were whispering things in your sleep.”

Dragon looked up at her and stopped blowing.

“Really?” he replied. “What kind of things?”

“If I remember correctly, you said that someone left you to die.”

Dragon raised his eyebrow.

“Hm, don't know what that could mean, to be perfectly honest.”

“I don't know either and I don't think I want to know.”

Fox looked towards the entrance to the cafeteria, where she saw Jane and Jack. She stood up and said to Dragon,

“I'll be back in a second.”

Dragon nodded in response and Fox walked over to Jack and Jane. When she got there, Fox looked right in Jane's eyes.

“Could I speak to you for a minute?” she asked, Jane nodded slowly in response. Jack could sense something bad was going to happen.

“You'll come talk to me first,” he said. Fox sighed but complied. She and Jack walked away from Jane and began their ‘chat’:

“I'm only planning on telling her to stay away from Dragon,” Fox admitted.

“Then do that and make sure you don't hurt- sorry, I meant, kill her.”

Fox scowled at him playfully.

“I won't kill her or hurt her physically. Maybe emotionally, but that's not that bad.”

“Fox, I'm being serious. Don't cross the line with this.”

“Ugh, fine. Anything else?”

“If you're going to be trying to keep Dragon for yourself, at least flirt back to him,” Jack chuckled as he walked over to Dragon. Fox shook her head, smiling. She walked back to Jane and invited her out of the cafeteria and into a nearby storage room.

After closing the door, Fox turned to face Jane,

“Just who do you think you are?” she asked.

“Excuse me? What's your problem?” Jane snapped.

“You're my problem! You're trying to steal Dragon for yourself!”

“So what if I am? Don't get involved and you might come out in one piece.”

“Are you threatening me? Did I hear that correctly? I'll be mopping the floor with your face by the time I'm done with you!”

“Fox, you're really not as strong as you think you are, so stop dreaming.”

Fox was about to retort, when she caught a familiar smell.

He's listening. She thought, I might as well carry on.

“Jane, no matter how many times weaker I am than Dragon, I am still stronger than you and I will not let you come between us!”

“Don't play innocent! I know what you said when you heard me and Dragon talking last night!”

“So what? You were never there when he went through dire times. You were never there to pull him back to his feet when he fell. Who was there? I was. Now, do us a favour and leave. Dragon. Alone.”

Fox stormed out of the room, she was shocked to find Dragon gone. He wasn't in the cafeteria either. She suddenly realised where he was.

Fox knocked on the iron door, the empty monotone noise resonated across the corridor. Shortly after, a voice called from behind the door,

“Come in!”

She opened the door slowly and peeked in. Dragon laid on his bed lazily, his costume was tight enough to see he was clearly flexing his chest muscles. Fox smiled at him as she entered and closed the door slowly behind her.

“I'm guessing you heard most of my conversation with Jane?”

“Quite a lot of it, yes,” Dragon replied. “You did go a bit overboard with your threats. Although, I'd say that the whole thing was pointless.”

Fox raised an eyebrow.

“Why do you say that?”

“If I were to choose between you and Jane, I'd choose you any day.”

Fox threw him an amused and suspicious look.

“Are you saying that just to get on my good side?”

Dragon tilted his head slightly and smiled innocently.

“Maaaybe,” he said. Fox chuckled. Dragon got off his bed and walked closer to Fox. “Wanna go outside and repeat last night? Without the sleepwalking and all, of course.”

“Maybe tomorrow,” Fox replied. She decided to change the subject. “I'm going to see Vixen now.”

“Oh, can I come with you?”

“Sure, let's go.”

They arrived at Ryan's office a few seconds later. Ryan was just organising his office, placing paperwork into organised folders. He was clearly annoyed to be disturbed by Dragon and Fox.

“Where's Vixen's room?” Fox asked straight-up.

“Just down the corridor and to the right from where you stand,” Ryan explained. “You'll recognise it, mainly because the guy talks to himself quietly.”

“We don't know what he's been through, so let's not make fun of him yet,” Dragon said.

“I wasn't making fun of him: I was stating by what features you'll find his room. Now, skedaddle, I've got paperwork to organise.”

“Ok, thanks,” Fox replied.

The duo returned to their corridor and listened out for Vixen's voice. Suddenly, Fox heard it, extremely faintly.

“I can hear him!” Fox said.

“Do you know where he is?” Dragon asked.

“Not yet, give me a moment.”

Suddenly, Fox heard something audible from Vixen. Instantly, she knew she shouldn't have heard it.

“I finally found her… I never knew she was still alive… I'm not alone anymore…”

Author's Note: Yep, it's a thing: Dragon rawrs in his sleep. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter and I hope you'll like what I have planned for QSS! 


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Thu Aug 24, 2017 2:41 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hey, this isn't going to be particularly long because I did say a fair bit of what I wanted to say on your document. (Also apologies if I do repeat myself).

I feel quite bad for Jane. She met a guy she liked who seemed to like her too but now the story just seems to be seeing her as the baddie. Fox and Dragon do seem like a good fit, but there maybe wasn't quite enough hinting before that that was what was going to happen for me to see Jane as standing in the way. Fox and Dragon have been living together for a while, and actually idk if this is just my own experience, but flatmates are not the first people I'd tend to expect to enter a relationship.

However, the actual scenes between Dragon and Fox are nice. I can see how the chemistry could work well there and I think if you just have a bit more build-up that will fit well.

I continue to enjoy Jack as a side character. He's developed just the right amount.

I think you balance this chapter well between feels and plot. The bit at the end interrupts Fox and Dragon with unanswered questions, which is good for making that storyline still feel engaging, and of course the cliffhanger is its own mystery, which asks its own questions.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




DragonNoir says...


Thanks for the feedback! My subconscious intended effect was to make people feel sad for Jane, but I am kind of biased towards DragonxFox lol. Jack will come into the foreground a bit more now, so it'll be good... I think.
Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed it! :)



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Thu Aug 10, 2017 9:12 am
Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, Dragon! Great to see the return of this story. My YWS routine hasn't been the same without it.

Seems like a lot of new plot points are coming to the fore, which is exciting. It's nice to have a relatively mellow chapter (or as mellow as QSS gets!) whilst still seeing quiet developments taking place in the background. The chapter feels more substantial than previous ones and the writing more polished on the whole. Solid comeback, in short.

Anyway, best get back into the routine! First for the nitpicks.

She dreamt of Alice returning, and killing Dragon in front of her.


Delete the comma after 'returning'.

Fox acknowledged that she probably won't be able to sleep normally


You mean 'wouldn't'. You've do have a habit of confusing 'won't' and 'wouldn't', so keep an eye on that in future.

she heard footsteps in the corridor. She slowly opened the window (window? Don't you mean door?) to find Dragon out in the corridor.


Watch out for repetition. Perhaps say 'she heard footsteps outside her room' or something.

She debated whether following him was a good idea, but when disappeared at the end of the corridor, Fox finally made the decision to follow him.


Rather than explaining the mental processes taking place inside Fox's head, you could instead show the way that those mental processes affect her behaviour. For instance, consider this:

Fox hesitated, hand on the door frame, watching him veer down the corridor. When he disappeared through the door at the end, she finally stepped after him.

Rather than telling us that she's deliberating, this sort of shows us that she's not sure whether to follow him or not. I always think it's good to describe the actual actions of the characters in the scene rather than the motivations behind them, because you often find that the actions are all the reader needs to understand what's going on.

Fox started worrying as she heard Dragon whisper faintly:


Can you show the worry rather than telling us about it? Does her smile vanish? Does she frown?

Fox stared at the destroyed lock in horror, before looking at the things behind the door. There, she saw the beautiful night sky with shining stars and the glowing full moon.


Delete the comma after 'horror' and the comma after 'there'.

In an instant, Dragon woke up from his dream.

“Wha...?” he shook his head, confused. “Where am I...?”

“Are you ok?” Fox asked. Dragon’s head snapped round and looked at Fox. He smiled clemently and sighed.

“I am now.”


This is a bit of a loose reaction. Sleepwalkers are often very disorientated when they wake, and I find it difficult to believe he would calm down so instantaneously. The moment feels a bit too sappy for my liking, as well.

I'm also going to have to rain down some psychology, I'm afraid. Sleepwalking doesn't occur when you're dreaming. It usually occurs during stage three or stage four sleep, whereas dreaming occurs during the REM stage, when the body is paralysed. Sleep talking can occur at any stage, but sleepwalking only occurs when the body is very deeply asleep, hence why people don't wake up from the motion. He couldn't be waking from a dream.

“I just tried dreaming of a perfect world,” Dragon replied, “Or at least one where the Enhanced were deemed normal by society and where you and I…”


Your dialogue is still slipping into its overly-formal habits. The discussion between Dragon and Fox doesn't feel casual enough for two people as close as they're supposed to be.

They were woken by a tall man, he couldn't have been older than Dragon.


Comma splice. Substitute the comma with a full stop.

He had fox ears like Fox and looked pretty much like a male version of Fox costume-wise. He also looked strangely familiar to Fox.


Maybe tone down a little on the hinting, buddy. It gives the game away. You might as well have a big neon sign saying 'THIS CHARACTER IS SIGNIFICANT TO FOX'.

“You ok there?” Dragon asked, a note of suspicion played in his voice.


Spell it 'okay'.

They went to the cafeteria as they were instructed and were given hardly a 5-star breakfast


I get the sarky vibe you're going for but I think the phrasing means it doesn't come off properly. Perhaps change it to something like:

They went to the cafeteria as instructed. The breakfast was hardly five star.

Once they started their meal, Fox decided to talk to Dragon.


You don't need to say this. Just show her talking to Dragon.

“If you're going to be trying to keep Dragon for yourself, at least flirt back to him,” Jack chuckled


This line doesn't really work because a) Jack is never in their company enough to know whether Fox flirts or not and b) Dragon doesn't even flirt with Fox.

Dragon laid on his bed lazily, his costume was tight enough to see he was clearly flexing his chest muscles.


Comma splice. Change the comma to a full stop.

Overall Thoughts

1) I agree with MJ that the relationship between Fox and Dragon is very sudden. You keep telling us how much they've been through and how close they are, but over the course of the whole novel I swear they can't have had more than a handful of brief interactions. I don't get much of a sense of their friendship, so it's an even bigger leap for them to suddenly declare that they're in love with each other. Especially on Dragon's part, because we've really seen nothing in regards to his feelings for Fox. I definitely think you should build up to this a lot more.

2) On a similar note, Jane and Fox's feud over Dragon is pretty trite. Granted, I am an Exhausted Feminist™ who is tired of seeing storylines where women catfight over men, but even putting personal tastes aside this love triangle is handled in a very simplistic way. Jane and Fox are both adults, but they're squabbling over Dragon like a pair of thirteen-year-olds with a crush. Fox comes across as bitchy and incredibly insecure, and Jane...well, Jane doesn't come across as very much at all. Her character has been a bit flat lately.

It would be a lot more interesting if you toned down the Dragon-related resentment, or at least made it more subtle. A much more substantial source of disagreement would be the lingering distrust over the fact that Jane was initially planning to assassinate them.

3) Vixen's introduction is quite sudden and it's blindingly obvious that he's linked to Fox. I'd like to see him come into the story a bit more gradually and for his secret to emerge after a bit more development. It's quite hard to care about a character that's just been thrown into the mix at the drop of a hat.

4) There is a better balance between prose and dialogue in this chapter and I can see you making more effort to include description. This is great, a real step in the right direction, but I still want to see more sensory imagery for you. Don't just talk about what things look like, talk about sounds and smell and touch and even taste, if the scene calls for it. It will make the story much more tangible.

I'll call the review there! I hope this helped. Looking forward to reading more, as always. Harsh as I may be, I'm so pleased QSS is back.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




DragonNoir says...


Thanks for your feedback! Sorry I'm replying back so late, but I didn't really have a good wi-fi connection before. Anyways, I am planning to go back on Dragon's and Fox's origins and that will ex-
*gasps* I've said too much...!

About their age: Although I haven't mentioned it, Fox and Dragon are both 20, while Jane is 22. I know it doesn't really justify that, but you could say that some people mature slower than others ;)
A bit more seriously now, I will try to make the arguments a little less childish in future.

Vixen will be elaborated on more than enough before his secret is out. I can guarantee that.

I have been taking a few writing improvement lessons, so I'll try my best to improve the descriptions.

I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter and thank you once more for your feedback! :)



Panikos says...


Looking forward to the next bit! :D



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Wed Aug 09, 2017 8:49 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hi there, just come by for a quick review.
Firstly, I think your title should have a comma. If you want it to read like the Spanish saying it should be 'Que Sera, Sera' otherwise it does not read correctly.

Overall, I was a little confused by this piece. Having not read any of the other chapters I can't say whether this was a common theme or not but you seem to have multiple themes running through this chapter and they clash a little. For instance, to begin with it seems a little like a fairy tale but then you seem to introduce darker themes later on. this feels like if you want to include these themes there should be a more gradual progression from one to the other rather than doing so in the space of one chapter.

You also seem to be telling the reader what is going on in this piece rather than showing them through description. It's a difficult technique to master but once you do I think it would really add the extra bit to this chapter that it seems to be lacking. Delve more into your character's thoughts and feelings as a lot of it seems to be a bit disconnected - something that can happen quite easily when writing in the third person. You could also stand to reduce the length of your dialogue a little, or at least have a break in between sections (this is where you can get in the heads of your characters a little).

I only noticed a few grammatical errors but they should be caught when you come back to revise this. Overall, an interesting premise for a novel and it will be interesting to see where you take this in future chapters.
Hope this was helpful.
Icy




DragonNoir says...


Hi there and thank you for your feedback! I apologise for replying at such a late time, but I did not possess the sufficient wi-fi signal.

I invite you warmly and urgently to read the rest of this novel. It is really not wise to dig into a chapter of a novel you have not started and have no idea of how this novel started out. Either way, it was brave - or audacious - of you to do that.

Moving on, the 'fairy tale' theme you seemed to have picked out is quite... out of the ordinary, to say the least. I understand you'd say dreamy, but I don't see how the introduction would relate to a fairy tale. The darker themes later on are intended, though. This novel often goes from dreamy to dark quite quickly, so I don't think it's that much of a big deal.

I do plan on improving my describing skills, thoughts and dialogue, thank you for pointing that out.

Now, I now intend to thank you one time more for taking the time to review this and I implore you to read the rest of the novel, whilst noting that I did start out quite dimly with this.



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Wed Aug 09, 2017 7:43 pm
Atticus wrote a review...



Hey there! MJ stopping by for a review :)

he debated whether following him was a good idea, but when he disappeared at the end of the corridor, Fox finally made the decision to follow him.


“They left… Me to die...”
I think this should be "They left... me... to die...", if you wanted to put the pauses around 'me'.

Dragon was forced to cook it up a bit more with his firey breath.


Ryan was just organising his office, placing paperwork into organised folders.
You already used some form of the word 'organized' earlier in the sentence, so it gets redundant to use it twice. Maybe you could say "neat" or "orderly" folders instead of repeating organized.

All right, generally speaking, this chapter had a lot of dialogue, and I would have liked to see some scenes where you described how the characters were all feeling. It was a lot of back-and-forth, and while you don't need to detonate a bomb or anything, keep in mind that too much dialogue between characters can become disengaging after a certain period of time.

I also felt that the relationship between Fox and Dragon was pretty sudden, although it's been a while since I read through it and I might have forgotten. I would have approached their romantic relationship a bit more slowly, instead of jumping right from cuddling into a passionate kiss. Maybe they kiss just once at the beginning, and then from there it gets more serious as the book goes on, split throughout a series of different encounters.

Overall, I liked how dynamic all the relationships were, seeing a love triangle surrounding Dragon. I would also have liked to see how Jack fits into this whole setup. At first he was more of a peace-breaker, but he seems to now be a minor character in the background instead of one of the critical characters, like he was earlier. The dialogue got a little bit too long for comfort, but it helped show us how all of the characters managed the frustration that's been building up inside for weeks.

Hopefully this was helpful, and don't hesitate to contact me if you have any questions!

MJ out

*poof*




DragonNoir says...


Hello there good friend and thank you very much for your feedback!

As I said in some of my other responses, I will be sure to add some more description of the characters' feelings. As well as this, I will go on to explaining Dragon's and Fo- No! Must contain secrets!

Also, Jack will come more into the foreground later, so don't worry.

I must say, I'm surprised you didn't mention anything about Vixen lol

Either way, thank you once more for your feedback and I will try my best to improve! :)




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