z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence

Que Sera Sera Chapter 7

by DragonNoir


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.

Chapter 7:

Jack trembled in fear as he watched the scientists crowd around the unconscious Caruso. He sensed the sudden presence of an evil power in the room as the scientists chanted. Jack’s ears were gradually oppressed by the disgusting, monotone sound of the Satanic chant. He stared in horror as a burgundy and black being entered Caruso’s body. When the chant finally ended, Jack sighed quietly in relief as his ears slowly returned to health. Jack saw one of the scientist bending down to Caruso, who was still motionless. Nothing had changed about Caruso’s body, which made Jack consider the worse. And his worries were confirmed by one sentence:

“He’s dead,” the other scientists sighed in disappointment, while Jack was filled with sorrow and grief. He did not feel anger, though. Jack felt his bitter tears flowing down his cheeks as his breathing pattern was disturbed. The scientists, hearing his quiet sobbing, turned to him and smirked. The scientist who announced Caruso’s death moved over to Jack and bend down before him.

“Are yer sad yer friend is gone?” the scientist asked rhetorically. Jack looked away from him and closed his eyes.

This must be a dream, right? Jack thought.

“No worries,” another scientist said. “We’ll put you out of your misery. If our master Satan decides you are unworthy of living your pitiful life.”

Then, a loud “Smash!” came from the entrance as someone slammed it open. Jack’s head rapidly turned to face the door to see a familiar face. He smiled.

“Just what do you fucktrumpets think you’re doing?!” Fox screamed, throwing herself at the scientists. She punched, scratched and kicked her way to freeing Jack. Blood splatters were everywhere, with the scientists' bodies dotted around the room in motionless position. When she was done with the scientists, she released Jack from his trap. Jack’s sight was fixed on the large streak of blood across Fox’s face.

“What’s with him?” Fox asked, gesturing at Caruso. Jack snapped out of his trance and was about to open his mouth to speak, but he quickly stopped himself and looked down. Fox knew what this meant. She wasn’t fast enough to stop the tears rushing out.

Two minutes later...

Jane sat on the floor inside the Captain’s cabin, leaning against the wall, with Dragon’s corpse hidden behind a stack of crates. She waited there patiently, knowing Fox should be returning any time now. She heard footsteps outside the cabin, but she could tell by their intensity that they did not belong to Fox. She drew her pistol and crouched in front of the crates behind the door, before the intruders entered. The second she heard the door creak open, Jane leaped out in front of the door and fired right at the people outside. The two soldiers fell to the floor with a loud thud. Jane looked at one of them; her eyes widened. It was the same Senior Officer who's army Dragon fought on the Shard. She dragged the corpses in, hid them in the same place as Dragon’s corpse, before swiftly closing the door.

She was about to settle down again when she heard more footsteps. But she could hear they were much softer than the last ones. She stood up, moving her right hand over her pistol. The door opened to reveal Fox and a cheetah-human hybrid, who Jane deduced to be one of Fox’s friends. But then she noticed: Fox said she had two missing friends.

“Fox,” Jane said. “You said you had two missing friends.” Fox looked down, so did her friend next to her.

“I came too late.” Fox admitted.

“I’m Jack,” Fox’s accomplice spoke in a deep voice and seemed quite intimidating. Jane looked at him, her eyes giving away a slight bit of fear. “I’m really not that intimidating, honestly. I guess it’s a defense mechanism.”

“Jane, nice to meet you.” Jane and Jack shook hands, though Jane's hand shook uncontrollably.

“So? Where are we to go?” Fox asked, looking out the front windows.

“I have a contact in Scotland.” Jack replied. Fox turned around and looked at him with a face which very clearly showed her annoyance.

“Scotland? Do you know how far that is?” Fox’s voice had a mixture of tones. Mostly discontent and reluctance.

“I know it’s far away, but we don’t have a better idea, do we?” Jane said. Fox was about to make a comment on Jane standing in for Jack, but she stopped herself. 

“Fine then,” Fox sighed. “Jack, cut the ropes. We’re leaving for Scotland.”

They were in the open ocean, when Jack and Jane stood out on the boat together, looking out across the horizon. The sun was high in the sky, Jack could tell it was about 10:00.

“Were you always like that?” Jane asked.

“What? A cheetah?” Jack asked.

“Yeah.”

“Oh, no. I wasn’t. I used to be human.”

“Do you know why you became a cheetah and not something else?”

“Nope. Not a clue. I guess it’s kind of like a lottery. You either die, like Caruso, or you become an absolute monster.”

“I don’t think you’re a monster.” Jane moved closer, Jack felt his face going warm; it was his way of blushing.

“You- you don’t?”

“No, I think… You’re-” Suddenly, Fox leaped at them and held their heads with her hands, forcing them to face away from the boat and dead ahead into the ocean.

“Fox, what Tom Fuckery is this?” Jack asked calmly.

“Don’t look back.” Fox said slowly, her voice sounded like she was terrified. “Dragon… He…”

Author's Note: Haha! What a great ending, don't you think? I hope you enjoyed this chapter and I await your feedback! :)


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Sun Jun 25, 2017 2:02 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



I'm going to leave the soliloquy for the moment. Sort of in chapter mode.

Nit-picks:

as his ears slowly returned to health

That seems like a slightly odd way to phrase it. I'd say something more like "as his ears slowly started to work again."

Jack saw one of the scientists bending down to Caruso


which made Jack consider the worset


moved over to Jack and bendt down before him.


the scientist asked rhetorically

You don't really need to mention that this was rhetorical.

Jack’s head rapidly turned to face the door to see a familiar face.

Repetition of "face" jolts a bit.

The second she heard the door creak open, Jane leaped out in front of the door and fired right at the people outside.

Jane is like, terrifyingly trigger happy.

Fox said she had two missing friends.

“Fox,” Jane said. “You said you had two missing friends.”

That's a bit repetitive.

“I’m really not that intimidating, honestly. I guess it’s a defense mechanism.”

I would imagine him to be much more broken up about Caruso right now.

“Oh, no. I wasn’t. I used to be human.”

I am again surprised that Jack is so able to talk cheerily about this right now.

Overall:

Character: I feel really bad for Jack. The poor thing. But I would really really like to hear more of his emotions and how broken up he is when he tells Fox what happened. I really hope I get to see his reaction to the news about Dragon. It's going to be so painful. I still have no idea why Jane is mixed up in this so much though, or why she's so willing to be violent. I think I need more backstory for her.

Setting: On a worldbuilding note, I think it should be mentioned how weird it is that the scientists are so into religion. Also, how well known is this in the wider world? Does everyone know about it? Nobody? Is it like a myth? Some setting about where they are right now would also be useful. And why aren't there lots of scientists chasing them down?

Plot: Woo Scotland! I wonder if this will actually help with getting away. I'm sure they'll just get chased down. I really like the pace of this though and want to see what happens next, so good job there.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




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Fri Jun 16, 2017 7:03 pm
occymay wrote a review...



Hello!

Okay, I know I'm really late with this review but I'm trying to get my act together again. I'm going to try and review the other chapters after this but we'll see.

Okay, first thing "fucktrumpets" is a beautiful insult, thank for introducing me to it. I have to say I'm loving Fox's character and I really want to see more of this sass.

I feel the fighting was rushed in this section, I would really love to see the similar fighting description to the one in I think chapter 4, the one where Dragon fights in the shard. I think that this will create a lot more interest in this chapter because if the action is really good it creates a lot of tension.

I feel like the last section was way too casual, I think this would be the point where the emotions finally settle because there's no action to keep them going. I think it would be nice to have a moment where the characters are struggling with their thoughts to really show us how they feel after losing Dragon. It would make a nice difference from the previous chapters. The dialogue that is there could then be moved to a later chapter because I don't think it really fits in this chapter, they are sat in a boat with their dead friend.

I did like the ending, I now want to read on and see what is happening to Dragon. He better be alive... I'm just saying. Also, any changes I'm suggesting are simply that, just a suggestion you can ignore me if you want :)

Overall, it was a chapter that does need work but I see the potential for this chapter. Happy writing ^_^




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Fri Jun 09, 2017 1:29 pm
Feltrix wrote a review...



Okay. I'm trying to finish reviewing this today, so there's no time for introductions. Also, I've used basically all of the introductions I can think of.

I. Scientists don't really seem like the ritualistic summoning type to me. Maybe they work in cahoots with cultists, or maybe they're also cultists, but either way, I'd have the summoners dress in dark hoods or something. You've never said, but I assume they're all wearing lab coats.

II. There's a bit of a lack of setting here (actually, this applies to a lot of your chapters). Yes, there are pentagrams on the floor, but what is the floor made of? What do the walls look like?

III.

Two minutes later...
I don't really like this transition. It weakens the flow of the story and just seems out of place. Also, I should have mentioned this earlier, but don't do this:
Then, a loud "Smash!" came from the entrance as someone slammed it open.
How you did the smash was a bit unnecessary. You could really just write "Then the door smashed open loudly." Or some variation of that.

IV. The scientists are starting to remind me of Storm Troopers... And how did Fox find the cultist-scientist's hideout?

V.
“Scotland? Do you know how far that is?”
You need to lay out the parameters of Fox's teleporting ability, because it's really confusing right now. Anyway, Fox was in the North Sea just a little while ago. This is a walk in the park. Actually, are they still in the North Sea? If not, how did the cultists get the enhanceds out so quick? Where are we right now?

VI. Caruso was already enhanced. Any particular reason why he didn't survive the second experiment?

I'm kind of left wondering how everyone gets from place to place so quickly. And also how Fox's teleporting works. Also, the ending confused me at first. It seems like you could just let Fox tell Jack that Dragon is dead, since we already knew that. It seems like you're trying to make a cliffhanger here, but it didn't really work. I want a bit more details on the fight, because right now it's basically "Fox smashes in and kills everyone." Also, it would be kind of nice to see what the scientists look like. You haven't really described them beyond the fact that they're scientists.

Keep writing!

Feltrix




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Sun May 28, 2017 9:47 pm
Atticus wrote a review...



Another enjoyable chapter! I'm looking forward to seeing where you're headed with all the loose ends you've left out here, and I can feel the pressure and suspense building up. Since it ended on somewhat of a cliffhanger, I'll be sure to check out your next chapter as soon as I can once it's published. But here are some of my thoughts on this chapter:

I generally dislike bad language and try to avoid it as much as I can, but I think that some instances when you used it in this chapter especially were unnecessary. As a writer, many others would agree that cuss words don't add much to the story and can even be seen as lazy on the writer's part. I'm not suggesting that's what's going on here, but it's something to be aware of and probably correct. (and f*cktrumpets is a pretty weak insult, something like sh*theads would be a bit better)

Jack’s head rapidly turned to face the door to see a familiar face.
This sentence is phrased fairly awkwardly, to the point where it possibly is a tense switch. I'm not a huge grammar geek, so I'm honestly unsure whether or not it's technically considered a rule-breaker of parallel structure, but it would be better to say "Jack turned his head towards the door, and a familiar face greeted him" or something along those lines. Dark Pandemonium already covered passive/active voices and I'm bad at reviewing that, so I'm going to leave that section alone.

Two minutes later...
I think that this needs something to separate it from the story, maybe just bolding it with the code or italicizing it with the code Anything that makes it stand out from the rest of the text would help in this case.

And as a final note, I loved the ending. I can't wait to see more, and whatever plot twist awaits! Great job on this one; apart form the afore mentioned suggestions that's all I have for you, and for this review day. Let's go Team Kenobi!

Best wishes,
MJ




DragonNoir says...


Thanks for your feedback! I'm still pretty much a noob when it comes to the code thing, but I'll try my best to remember that next time. The formatting on here is very awkward, which is mainly why my work looks like it does, but I'll try to figure something out. Once more, thanks for your review!



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Sun May 28, 2017 3:39 pm
Panikos wrote a review...



Hello again, DragonNoir.

Another cool chapter. Fox continues to have some great one-liners and the action is still building, and I definitely noticed far less dialogue errors here than I have in previous chapters, which is great. It's good to see that Jack is coming more to the fore, though sad that Caruso has been killed before we knew much about him. I was interested to learn a little more about the demonic rituals, though.

I'm still not totally sure where the story is heading even now, so I hope you have an overarching structure in mind, because at this point in a novel I would expect the core plot to be emerging. I also hope that the antagonists get fleshed out at some point, because at the moment they appear to just be Satan-worshippers who experiment on people for no other reason than because they're evil. I would like to see more dimension in their goals. And I would like to know what the main goal of the protagonists is as well, because the story at present seems to be developing piece by piece. Not that I'm not enjoying it, but it's something to keep in mind for future chapters.

Anyhow, now that my general ramblings are done with, I'll get on with reviewing!

Jack’s ears were gradually oppressed by the disgusting, monotone sound of the Satanic chant.


Small point. Avoid passive voice. Passive voice is where a sentence is structured so that the object precedes the subject, and the effect is to make your writing feel more sluggish and detached. Compare:

The wall was shattered by the car. (Passive voice)
The car shattered the wall. (Active voice)

The second one sounds more direct, would you agree? So if we rewrote the quote in active voice:

"The disgusting, monotone sound of the chant oppressed Jack's ears."

I personally think that reads better. It's ultimately your call, but passive voice tends to be something worth avoiding where you can.

He stared in horror


You're still using a lot of these clarifying phrases. You don't need 'in horror' because we can gauge from the situation that he would be horrified.

which made Jack consider the worse.


You mean 'worst'.

Also, a sidenote: I'm a little confused as to why the ritual killed Caruso, and why they performed it on him in the first place. Has he not already been altered by the scientists? You say in chapter two that he is a penguin capable of transforming into a human, which would suggest he had already been imbued with powers. What reason do they have for performing it a second time?

“Are yer sad yer friend is gone?” the scientist asked rhetorically.


You shouldn't have to clarify that it's rhetorical. This isn't necessary.

She punched, scratched and kicked her way to freeing Jack. Blood splatters were everywhere, with the scientists' bodies dotted around the room in motionless position.


I feel like it should've been a bit harder for her to win that fight considering it must have been at least three against one. If these scientists are the ones that made them, you'd think they might be able to put up some resistance against her - indeed, if they managed to capture Jack and Caruso at all, they must have some way of overcoming their creations. Even though their kind has a weakness to silver bullets, I still think they're overpowered in most contexts, and it really lessens the sense of jeopardy in these fight scenes.

But then she noticed: Fox said she had two missing friends.


You don't need this. The dialogue straight after says the same thing; it feels repetitive.

“I’m Jack,” Fox’s accomplice spoke in a deep voice and seemed quite intimidating. Jane looked at him, her eyes giving away a slight bit of fear. “I’m really not that intimidating, honestly. I guess it’s a defense mechanism.”


Having just glanced back at chapter two I noticed that it says Jack can look into people's minds, which explains why he can sense that she finds him intimidating. However, if I hadn't looked at chapter two again, I'd have found this bit of dialogue to be very strange - I was wondering how he knew she was thinking that. I think you should use Jane's response to remind the reader that he can mind read.

I also think the following exchange between Jack and Jane, while intended to be heartfelt and touching, is a bit odd to read because it's just so sudden. When she told him she didn't think he was a monster, my internal response was 'how would she know? She's only just met him!' It seems like the kind of conversation that two people might have after a period of getting to know each other and overcoming their prejudices, but that hasn't happened here, and it happens so quickly that it really feels strange.

“No, I think… You’re-” Suddenly, Fox leaped at them and held their heads with her hands, forcing them to face away from the boat and dead ahead into the ocean.

“Fox, what Tom Fuckery is this?” Jack asked calmly.

“Don’t look back.” Fox said slowly, her voice sounded like she was terrified. “Dragon… He…”


I didn't really understand what was going on here. Was Fox just trying to stop Jack from finding out that Dragon was dead? Because if she was, she's only succeeded in drawing more attention to it. Or has Dragon come back or something? Definitely needs more clarification.

I'll leave the review there, because I think that gives you plenty to think about. Focus on clearing up the end, watching your pacing and making sure your villains don't turn into parodies.

Eagerly awaiting the next chapter, as always.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




DragonNoir says...


Thank you for your feedback! I'll be sure to consider these things when writing the next chapter. I'm glad you enjoyed it! :)



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Sun May 28, 2017 3:27 am
AkeliaTaske wrote a review...



Hey there! Akelia here for a review!

So although I have not read any of the previous chapters, this chapter makes me want to read more. So as I review, pardon my lack of knowledge for the story line. *grins sheepishly and writes note down to read the rest of the chapters* Like I do in every review, I will give you two things called sours, and sweets. Sweet being everything I loved about the writing and what you did well, and sours being how you can improve. We'll do sours first to get them over with. Let's get started!

Sours:

Near the end of the chapter when Fox told Jack to the cut the ropes, you jumped into the next scene. This made it a bit confusing, and hard to understand as I kept reading, before finally realizing it was a different scene. A way to avoid this is to put the symbols *** between your scenes with a couple of spaces. This indicates that the scene is changing.

And that's it for sours. Now onto the sweets!

A. Even though I just jumped in, I have to say, I quite enjoyed this chapter. It had lots of action in it, and Jack's grief of Caruso's death definatly spoke how much he loved his friend. This is a symbol of good writing, when it speaks to the heart.

B. The scientists really showed how evil they were, through their actions. You didn't just tell and explain the story, you really showed it. The scientists I believe were a big part of this, as they ended up killing Caruso, and teasing Jack about it. It was well written.

Anyway, good job on this work! I liked it a lot, and will try to remember to read the rest of the previous chapters. Remember, never stop writing!

-Akelia




DragonNoir says...


Thank you for your amazing feedback! I really appreciate it! Honestly, I actually did put a few spaces where the scene jumps forward, but formatting is kind of a pain, so yeah... Anyways, I'm glad you liked it and I invite you to reading the other six chapters! :)




Perhaps the real rickroll was the friends we made along the way
— GengarIsBestBoy