Chapter 11:
Fox watched as Dragon fell to the ground onto his knees. She ran over and quickly helped him up, only to realise his consciousness went out like a candle. Fox couldn’t help but be surprised; Dragon had never fainted in front of her. She heard swift footsteps behind her, which turned out to belong to Jack. He helped her carry Dragon out, although Jack took on most of Dragon’s weight.
As they dragged Dragon’s body out of the chamber, Ryan led the trio to their quarters and assigned them each a room. Each room was identical; all of them had a comfortable double bed and a wardrobe, as well as a mirror and a small toilet and shower room. Fox’s room was opposite Dragon’s and Jane’s was next to Dragon’s, much to Fox’s annoyance. Jack’s room was next to Fox’s, which didn’t bother him that much. Fox and Jack carefully placed Dragon on his bed. Jack and Jane stayed there to keep Dragon company.
When Ryan finished introducing them to their quarters, Fox followed him to his office, where she interrogated him. Ryan’s office was quite small; it had a metal table, on which stood a laptop and tons of paperwork. Behind the table was a black leather revolving chair.
Fox placed her hands on the table and leaned towards Ryan, who sat in the chair.
“You have a few question to answer,” Fox said almost threateningly.
“I understand,” Ryan replied. “What do you wish to know?”
“What is the purpose of this organisation of yours?”
“We are EHO; the Enhanced Help Organisation. We attempt to wipe out those who thought ruining the lives of innocents was right. We also try to give a safe haven to any Enhanced who require it.”
“And you thought we need it because…?”
Ryan leaned towards her and raised his eyebrow.
“Fox, don’t lie to yourself,” he said. “You know very well you’d have no chance without me.”
Fox drew back.
“Maybe, but I don’t think I’d like to believe that,” she replied. “How many Enhanced has your organisation helped so far, then?”
Ryan looked to the side.
“We’re quite a new organisation. You guys are our first… visitors.”
“Visitors?” Fox laughed. “That seems like a good way to put it.”
“Next question.”
Fox didn't quite see what Ryan’s damage was, but she carried on questioning him.
“Why did you kill Dr Fergus Blackwood?”
“He is the human who created the first Enhanced. No, that wasn’t you, nor one of your friends. You are quite far from being the first. Either way, Blackwood was dying of cancer anyway; you could say I did him a favour.”
Fox’s face twisted in anger, smashing her fist into the table. There was a small dip left in the metal.
“What about Dragon’s procedure? Why didn’t you put him under or something? Or did you just want me to regret my decision?”
“Dragon personally told us not to put him under. I tried talking him out of it, but nothing could change his mind.”
“What about the chant? How did you manage to bring him back? Why couldn’t I hear it?”
“The walls of the bunker are extremely thick, which is why you could barely hear anything on the other side. Dragon’s cries were louder than the chant, which is why you heard them over the chant. About the chant itself, that all links to musical and linguistic manipulation of the chant to give it a different effect. A chant can have its musical structure or lyrics changed to give it a different effect, the only thing required is a sufficient knowledge of Latin and Music.”
“Dragon got pretty lucky, I see,” Fox eyed Ryan suspiciously. “Where’d you get that idea from?”
“I managed to steal a few research papers from Dr Fergus Blackwood; in those papers is information on the Enhanced and their Rituals.”
“Hmm… Just out of interest, what rules does your organisation run by?”
“We have very strict rules, for our assassins anyway. Our guests can stay for as long as they wish.”
“What are the rules for your assassins?”
“Our assassins have to accept the missions they’re given, unless they plan on having their future absolutely destroyed.”
Fox stepped back a bit.
“What do you mean by that?”
“I either throw them out and sometimes notify the Police Force about an Enhanced on the loose, or I simply have them killed on the spot, but that depends on how they decide to decline: violently or calmly.”
Fox felt she heard enough.
“Thank you for your time,” she said, leaving the room.
As she walked down the sleeping quarter corridor, Fox overheard a conversation from Dragon’s room. She could barely hear what they were saying, but she recognised Jane’s sotto voce whispers and Dragon’s weak voice.
That bitch. Fox scowled at the door to Dragon’s room. She stormed into her room and threw herself onto her bed.
“Just who does she think she is?” Fox growled. “What makes that little shit think she can steal my man from me? He is mine! He belongs to me! Has she ever been through Hell and back with him? No she hasn’t, I did! I’ll rip her to fucking shreds if I have to. If it means keeping Dragon safe and close to me, then I will do it.”
***
When Jane left the room, Dragon closed his eyes in an attempt to go to sleep. Instead of the usual ideological dream he had of a world where he and Fox could live together in peace with human society, he had the worst nightmare to haunt him in ages.
He remembered. Back on the Shard. The faces of those soldiers, whom he murdered mercilessly. He felt the sheer weight of guilt and shame fall onto his shoulders. Soon, tears began flooding his eyes.
“I’m so sorry…” he whispered. “I’m so sorry…”
Dragon lifted himself up from his bed, knowing he won’t be able to sleep. He recalled an important moment in his and Jane’s conversation:
“Dragon, how close would you say you and Fox are?” Jane asked.
“Close beyond what words can express,” Dragon replied.
“Would you die for her?”
“You see, the point is: I’d live for her, not die for her. Why die for someone if you’re going to hurt them by doing so? If you truly care for someone, you live for them, not die for them.”
“Oh. You have a point.”
Dragon noticed that Jane turned away from his gaze, he couldn’t understand why, but he didn’t ask.
This got Dragon thinking: what did Jane want from him? Did she want him to leave Fox? Did she want to encourage him and Fox to date? He didn’t know anymore. Dragon soon realised just how little he knew and understood of his surroundings, although one specific thought remained in his head:
Why is it us? Why do we have to suffer for something that we had no control over?
Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I'm planning on elaborating on definite figures for the ritual effects, but all I really need is a way to introduce them. I'd also love to hear what you guys want to see in the future! I'm always open to any suggestions you may have. Once more, I hope you enjoyed this chapter!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hi, Dragon.
I like that this chapter is calmer - it's just what the reader needs after the drama of chapter ten. I'm glad to see that you're using the slower parts of the story to deliver explanations about the scientists and dwell more on Dragon's guilt, because we've been waiting for that for a long time. There's also more of a balance between prose and dialogue in this chapter, which is great. You're heading in exactly the right direction with your writing.
You know the drill by now. Nitpicks first, overall points after. Here we go.
There's more words than necessary in this opening line. You don't really need to tell us that he's falling to the ground, because where else would he be falling? By cutting out the bit I've crossed out, the line is a bit more concise.
Two things:
1) There are a lot of filter words in this passage. I don't know if I've mentioned filter words to you before, but they're basically words like 'saw', 'heard', 'realised', 'felt', which clarify which character is doing what action. They're essential at times, but you have to be careful with them as well, because they can create a kind of barrier between the reader and the action. Every time you use them, you remind the reader that the events of the story are happening to someone else. Look at these examples:
She heard footsteps thumping up behind her and felt a hand grab her shoulder.
Footsteps thumped up behind her and a hand grabbed her shoulder.
Which is the more exciting line? I would definitely argue the second one, which is the one without filter words. You don't have to eradicate all filter words from your work, but always ask yourself how a line would be if you rephrased it to get rid of them.
2) Like with my first point, there's just a lot of unnecessary words. I forget the exact quote and which person said it, but the general gist of it was that if a word can be cut out, it should be cut out. Editing is what you delete, not what you add in.
Baring these points in mind, I'll show you how you could edit that paragraph:
Dragon fell to his knees. Fox ran over and hauled him up, but his consciousness had already flickered out like a candle. She couldn't help but be surprised; he had never fainted in front of her. Then came Jack's swift footsteps, drawing up behind her...etc.
I'm obviously not expecting you to adhere to this, but it is an example of how much you can tighten paragraphs up just by deleting the odd word and altering the syntax here and there. So much of writing is just tidying up lines so that they're clearer to read.
I don't like this. 'Interrogated' makes it seem like it's already happened, but you actually only start to show the interrogation a few lines later. Maybe try something like 'Fox followed him into his office, where she intended to interrogate him'. However, if I'm being really picky, I'd prefer you didn't tell us her intentions at all and let the dialogue show that she was interrogating him.
Don't tell us that she's threatening. If we can't tell it from the dialogue alone, the dialogue isn't effective enough.
(You're also missing an 's'. It should be 'questions').
It's a bit of a weird name. It feels like you were at the mercy of the acronym and just had to find some words that fitted. 'Help' sounds strange as a noun in this particular context, and it doesn't sound official enough to me. Maybe something like Enhanced Rehabilitation Organisation would work better. I don't know. Give it some thought.
This is very long-winded. Why not just say 'we attempt to eliminate those who have ruined the lives of innocents'? Always read your work aloud, because it will help you spot awkward lines that need rephrasing.
Misaligned tenses. It should either be "And you think we need it because...?" or "And you thought we needed it because...?"
Why did they bother wasting resources to kill a man who had a) retired from his work and b) was going to die anyway? Why not just let nature take its course?
I had the same confusion as Biscuits in regard to thinking 'wait, what? Could Dragon speak?' To avoid this, I'd suggest you change 'told us' to something more general, because 'told' implies that he used words. If Ryan said "Dragon refused to be put under" instead, that would remove the confusion.
Why? Why do they do this? Yes, it means the assassins have no choice but to obey, but it also means that they'd be hard pressed to find anyone who wanted to work for them in the first place. These are skilled agents that they have to attract, and skilled workers in this kind of field could afford to be choosier about where they work.
It also just feels like a way to absolve Jane of all her wrongdoing because, y'know, she Never Had A Choice. It'd be a lot more interesting if she could've walked from the job but actually chose not to. As I mentioned in a previous review, characters who choose to do the wrong thing are far more interesting than ones who get forced to do the wrong thing.
In real life, people very rarely sit and talk to themselves like this. It doesn't seem authentic. Make it into an inner monologue rather than dialogue.
Also, Fox is being pretty uncompromising considering that she just found out that Jane would've been, like, obliterated had she refused to agree to the mission. This is another reason why I'd encourage you to remove the fact that Jane didn't have a choice - it would give more justification to Fox's anger and complicate the issue much more.
Overall
1) Ryan's motives. I'm still very confused about these. I'm particularly nonplussed as to why Jane was assigned to kill Fox and Dragon when she works for an organisation that is supposed to act as a sanctuary for Enhanced individuals. Why would Ryan have wanted them dead as opposed to retrieved and brought to safety?
2) Like Biscuits, I think Fox's romantic feelings have come into the plotline with a bit of a bump. I always wondered if she liked Dragon, but until now you've handled it in such a way that I assumed she wasn't certain of her own feelings. Yet in this chapter she brands Dragon 'her man', even though there's no actual confirmed relationship between the two. It feels strange. It's not a shock that she likes him, but it is odd that she's suddenly acting so aware of how she feels.
In my opinion, it was more interesting when there were undertones of denial going on, because it sort of explained why Fox was so unjustly mad at Jane. She was actually mad at her for liking Dragon, but she was blaming the anger on her betrayal because it was easier to come to terms with. That felt very in character.
3) Even though I'm glad we're seeing guilt from Dragon, I am confused as to what has triggered it. It feels quite out of nowhere. I'd prefer to see his character develop in response to what happens to him rather than just because it was time he showed some compassion.
I'll call the review there. This was a strong chapter, one I definitely enjoyed reading. The story feels like it's taking more shape now. Looking forward to seeing what comes next, because I really couldn't guess at this point.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Thanks for your feedback! Some of the things I will address in future chapters, so just stay patient. Plus, don't you think Ryan had a double advantage over killing Blackwood? He would've predicted enough that our heroes are going to him for help. He'd not only get rid of an essential figure for the Enhanced creators, but he'd also capture the ones whom he planned on killing. As for why he wanted to kill them... I will address that in the future. Either way, I'm glad you're enjoying this chapter despite the errors and thank you once more for your feedback!
Good to know I don't know all the answers yet. But why would he predict that they would've gone to Blackwood? It seemed UNexpected to me, given that he was a scientist. Unless there's some kind of connection between him and Jack that we don't know about fully yet. I sort of assumed that but.
As I said, be patient and you shall receive your answers.
Heyyyyyy!
Nit-picks:
Fox seems pretty strong; why is Jack doing that? Is she feeling weak because of the shock?
Don't worry; quotes don't give you points
I mean that sounds pretty threatening. And you did say interrogate.
I would expect her to be more intrigued by the concept of "Enhanced", even if she were to just say it as you would say something in inverted commas like that. She seemed to think her little squad was on its own, so this is probably quite a big shock for her.
Wait could he talk while he was a dragon? Or am I getting this totally wrong and these are the people that made Dragon into who he was in the first place? So far they've sounded like an escape place for those who find themselves Enhanced, not going out and Enhancing people. It's a while since I read the last chapter though, so I might have missed something.
So, Fox and Dragon have seemed like just friends up to this point. Really, really good friends to the point where Fox's anger made sense and was really powerful, but this sounds kind of like a romantic attachment.
Overall:
Character: I think we need a bit more of Ryan. The relationships between Fox and Dragon and Fox and Jane are very interesting, and we know just enough about Jack to make him a good supporting character. But Ryan seems to be your baddie and there just wasn't that much tension there. I think more description of his mannerisms might make him seem more evil than just a book she was getting answers from.
Setting: There's not a major problem here but just a bit more in general would be useful. What do the rooms look like? This would change how I saw this organisation because I would know how they treat their guests. What is Ryan's office like? This would tell me how high up the pecking order is and maybe make him more intimidating.
Plot: Like I explained in nit-picks, I'm a little confused about what's going on, but I do think that's my own fault. When you read a lot of stuff on YWS and don't read a particular work for a while, it's bound to happen. The ritual was where Jack was, right? Where their other team member got killed? So this is the organisation that did that. I'll expand on plot more either in replies or on discord if you like since I've lost my place a little.
Flow: Sometimes this goes a bit too fast and it's developing the plot a lot but missing out some really key characterisation.
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
Thanks for your feedback! Allow me to explain: EHO have nothing to do with creating the Enhanced. Well, they do to a certain extent, but not far enough to say that they created them. EHO are simply there to help lost Enhanced like our main characters. The people who DID create the Enhanced are scientists who work for the UK government, who just so happened to kill Caruso accidentally. Also, just because Ryan said that Dragon told him, does not mean that he literally told him not to put him under. I've shown in many situations that Dragon can't speak, instead he howls, growls, grunts etc. So in short, Dragon didn't tell them explicitly he didn't want to be put under. Also, what do you mean by "key characterisation" when talking about the flow? Once more, thanks for the feedback!
Ohhh ok, fair enough.
Just particularly useful bits of information about the characters. As in, the suggestions I made in the character section. I realised that one of the reasons I didn't know everything about the characters I would like to was because you were moving so fast. That's a flow thing though, so I kept it to the end. Sorry that was unclear