They rested up that night and were about to sneak out when Yggdrassil showed up in the same back alley as before they entered the castle.
"Your lucky to be alive," she said as they rushed over to her. "Don't trust Kaiden's advice. He himself is fine to trust but he is wrong about leaving today, go tomorrow. Rest today leave tomorrow. You will have a opportunity to get away unseen because they will drop patrols by half tommorow. Plus the bandit leader is going to pull her troops back to her base tonight. Your best chance is leaving about a half hour after sunrise tomorrow. Go as soon as no guards can be seen from the city gate. They will have their backs turned. If need be I will cover the forest in mist to hide you but don't expect me to appear in front of you again for a long time. I'm mad you didn't listen to my warning and this is the last help I give. Just so you know that throne room drops your magic about 90% in power, your far too weak to be a threat to him for a couple years at least as long as he is in that room or his chambers. You should have be able to last a night longer here but if you blow the opportunity tby trying to leave today or the opportunity tomorrow, many will pay for your mistake. Next time you see me you will be knighted Kevin." And with that Yggdrassil vanished into a mist in the back alley.
"I think we should follow her advice this time. I'm fine dying with you for a good cause, I know you love Megan and you know me and Hitomi love you. I would gladly die for or with you. But I don't want to risk others lives because of our impatience. She was right about how we should have died. I don't want to put others in danger and I doubt you failed to realize she ment pur village. Chelsea expects us, if we go now we walk into her trap. If we go tomorrow we might avoid her. Something tells me she could have stopped you in the throne room but chose not to. I get the feeling you noticed too. I will follow you anywhere, but please wait until tomorrow."
"I came here for our village Yukio, I will die for our village if need be. But I won't put them at risk or coming here will have been pointless. Plus Glimmer if that was the right nickname, was nice enough to restock our supplies to return home and give us a bigger bag. Plus risked his neck getting our stuff back to. I won't kill his mother if I have a chance to repay him for those risks."
"What makes you sure he was her son?"
"Well it wasn't the girl because the boy said he when referring to Chelsea's kid. The boy also seemed to disagree with how many risks were took on our behalf. So it wasn't his mother. So unless their is a third boy I didn't meet in their base, I don't see any other possibilities."
"Good point, I was to worried about you too bother putting that together, though I don't think they hid anyone from us I suppose it's possible." They stayed in that alley for a little while to consider what to do if they met Chelsea and what to do about the offer to join them when an arrow suddenly ripped through the wall nearby with a note attached.
Kevin and Yukio read it together.
"If you are staying another night come back to us where you're safest, remember every guard is looking for you except those loyal to the kingdom.
-Glimmer.
They looked around a corner, saw a guard wink twice then tilt his head a couple times towards the place they emerged from the base underground before looking around and resuming his patrol after being assured nobody saw him. He tilted his head at them without looking towards them and whispered "two seconds after I pass run the coast will be clear."
True to his word no guards were around to catch them as they went to the cellar that had a secret entrance to the sewers where the base was and were greeted by glimmer.
"Next time you loaf around could be your last," glimmer said.
"You have soldiers on your side?" Kevin asked surprised.
"We share a base with them. We use a tiny amount of space, but those loyal to the kingdom know about out magic and work with us as we work with them. Though they avoid our small section of the base in fear of our witchcraft, they do sanction it because it's an invaluable resource. We aid them with protection and healing, they teach us to fight and use weapons so we can one day fight with them to reclaim our kingdom."
"Thank you for the supplies. I promise to do everything in my power to spare your mother, and convince my village to do the same if possible."
"I see Kaiden still talks to much to guests. Thanks for that by the way."
"Your welcome, I can't promise anything really, but I can promise to at least at least TRY. If I can do a miracle maybe she will become a knight once again."
"That's actually why we were sanctioned with our magic, my mother."
They left early the next morning and followed Yggdrassil's warning. They were halfway back when they saw Chelsea waiting at the mountain pass that split, the forest from the castle and village.
"Wait here and ONLY reveal yourself if I scream your name. I want to try to talk to her and reason with her."
"I promise to wait unless I think you're about to get hurt, don't ask me to let that happen."
"Fine."
Kevin walked from the trees showing himself and Chelsea stood up from her meditation.
"I was expecting you, don't think I don't know your friend is behind the closest tree. I assume that means you want to say something before I attack. Like I said last time I believe in allowing last words, so speak."
"I guess her cover behind the trees is blown. But you're wrong about it being the closest tree when I walked out it was a couple back, and to the side. Hopefully your son will get his wish though."
"What? I have no-" Kevin cut her off by putting up a hand.
"I know who you are, I thought I recognized you from a picture but dressed like a guy I couldn't figure out why."
"You know enough that I can tell lying won't do me any good, I assume you also were told what happens to people who find out?"
"Yes, but if you attack I might have to kill you. I promised him if at all possible I would avoid killing you. As a sign of good faith to that I will go as far as disarming and hope you hear me out with the last bit I have to say." Kevin grabbed the weapons he had and tossed them to her feat in their sheath, tossed his bag towards her and removed the metal armor he was given towards her then turned around.
She didn't waste a second lunging at him. And when Kevin saw Yukio about to fire off lightning he yelled to wait. "Your taking a big risk little boy, what made you believe I would have stopped my blade just before it split your spine?" Chelsea asked.
"Because as a former knight you still have honor. Your the knight I wanted to be most like, although Flint is a close second. Until I heard from your son I thought you were just a story Flint made up. Plus if I were in your shoes I would probably have done what you did to your husband. I know you didn't attack my village for simple plunder, I knew when I saw you in the throne room. Your fighting for your kingdom, just going about it different than most rebels. You chose the path that puts you closest to that tyrant."
Chelsea stared at him for a long while. "Your very intelligent and defiantly bold for your age. I'm glad you met my son. Hopefully we can spar someday without magic of course." He felt his armor be put back on along with his other belongings. "Don't take such risks in the future though, brilliant children aren't exactly common."
"If I may ask something, why did you target my village?"
"I'm sure you know why, I haven't been a deadly bandit as long as my reputation implies. My turn, is my son safe where he runs off too?"
"Yes surrounded by rebels who protect him, I will ask him to heal those burns when I see him next."
"Thank you, I appreciate that. I should go before one of my bandits sees me showing mercy."
"Hopefully I can fight alongside you when it comes time to reclaim the kingdom."
"That would be nice. Brilliant strategists like you are invaluable." Chelsea stopped and turned around handing him a dagger from behind her. "Take this, if you are forced to fight him in a place your magic is weakened it will help. It's coated in a deadly poison."
Yukio was about to attack as she passed but Kevin grabbed her arm and made sure Chelsea escaped. "If our village pays the price again I will kill you myself."
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hello there! I recall you did review Syrin and I'm here to help out some. I apologize, though, that I do not have much background, but I'll try to help where I can. Allow me to begin.
One huge issue that I see throughout this is your dialogue. There is so much throughout this that it is basically constructed out of dialogue. That's not really engaging to the reader, because dialogue can only show so much. What's happening as they are talking? What kind of actions are happening? What is going through the MC's head?
Not only is there a lot of dialogue, but much of your dialogue feels really flat and stiff and doesn't show much characteristic. All your characters sound the same. It feels like they're reading off a script rather than speaking and evoking emotion with their words, or bargaining or feeling something. Think about it like this. If you read off this, than it should sound like something someone would say -- roll of the tongue easy. Not be extremely monologue-ish.
Along with it being stiff, we get all this information from the dialogue. Everything we need to know, which isn't good. We get too much stuff and then there is not suspense of wondering of what's going to happen. It quite frankly seems like the the information is put arbitrarily there, and the characters are telling everything they know to everyone. Like when the MC was talking to Chelsea. She straight up laid down her cards and told him everything, and the MC the same to her. There was no mystery or motives around it, just there. If that makes sense. Try to hide somethings a bit, such as Chelsea pretending she doesn't know anything.
Final thing about dialogue (because there needs to be a lot of work on that) is that I can never tell who is speaking. Not only do I not know the MC's name, because everyone talks the same, but there are no dialogue tags that says who said what. We're just expected to know who the talking, floating heads are. It's really confusing and ruined a lot of the story's flow.
The pacing is a different issue. It is both too fast and too slow at the same time. There is so much happening in this story that I can hardly wrap my head around what's going on and then I retain nothing from the dialogue because it's too loaded and sluggish. Really slow down and develop one scene and insure we can tell where they are, what they're doing, how they got there and slow down, but lighten off the dialogue.
Final thing in general is that the characters are too flat and are driven by the plot. They are what the plot wants them to be rather than having their own personalities. I don't feel any connection to them. For example, the Chelsea girl. She is made out to be so purely evil and wants to kill the MC, but then suddenly decides not to. Why? I don't see a reason why other than the plot called for it. Think about that some.
Hope I helped and that I made sense. If you need me to clear anything up, please, please ask. I'll do my best. Happy writing,
~Wolfare
Bonjour, Kevin, Mon Ami! It's the Chirave Canicthus/Maddie here to kick this out from the bottomless pit of the green room!
As a first note, I haven't gone through your other chapters so I'm lacking context here. Just wanted to let you know so you don't think I'm being a stupid ole jerk.
First, that beginning dialogue. It looks rather... long and monologue-ey. It's like "Cheesus Crust you're here! Look, Deez are all the plans you're going to need and it doesn't matter if you like it or not you're going to do them! Now stay here until tomorrow!" It almost makes her seem motherly, even though the story's tone makes it seem like everyone's a bad-A. (This isn't to say mothers can't be Bad-A.)
Next, it's definitely safe to say your grammar's off. You're missing capitalization here and there.
Also, I think your text walls really slow the story down as we take the time to drink in every little detail. So yeah.
In General, I like this. I see where the plot is going. Least I think I do. I really like the cliffhanger at the end, and Kevin seems like a rather cool guy.
My biggest complaint about this piece is the "Aerith and Bob" going around. Compare Yggdrassil and Kevin. Just try and keep your names in a similar vein, I guess.
So, yeah. Keep writing!
*Chiravian flies away*
Merci miss.
Yup this was a rushed chapter, might have been half asleep but idk. I'll probably come back and redo all my stories one day though, for now I just do first times.
Hey Vivi
You've got a nice plot going, and your chapter releases are steady, which is also pretty good. I love how you brought Yggdrasil back; I don't want to play favorites, but I love it when she pops up. xD 
It's developed quite a lot since I last reviewed... I've been trying to at least speed-read all of your chapters to your books--you publish A LOT, so it's hard to keep up sometimes with my schedule xD --even if I don't have the time to review at the moment, so know that I am keeping up with it, even if I'm not always commenting. 
It looks great; I hope you finish this one... I'm pretty curious as of to how it ends. 
I've been scanning over your past chapters, and I like the story so far!
Moving on to the nitpicks of the piece--it comes with every review, right? xD--I agree with quite a few things Chaser had to say about the piece... Your grammar is a bit off in most places. There are a lot of run-on sentences, not quite enough commas where there should be, and the occasional seemingly-forced dialogue.
I also agree that Yukio and Kevin should have some verbal reaction--even a physical reaction, other than rushing to her side--that could be added to break up the mass of dialogue. From when Yggdrasil starts talking to when she finishes, I can imagine about a thousand things that either Yukio or Kevin might say; anything from and apology for angering her or comments on Yggdrasil's observations and opinions. Anything to 'break the blob'; sometimes it's hard to do when you really just want to focus on writing out a specific character's dialogue, but for the sake of the readers, it must be done. xD I have to break up my dialogue all the time.
So I know I'm basically just adding to Chaser's review--sorry about that, buddy xD--but some good points were made. Description is half the battle to a good story; it's one of the hardest parts for a lot of writers. Even just the occasional detail thrown in helps BUNCHES with visualization. Personally, when writing, I can imagine everything from that bush in the eastern corner of the MC's vision to the rotting barn off in the distance, but until I snuggle in some details between the dialogue and the action, no one is going to know that. It makes a world more realistic, and over time, adding details becomes like second-nature. It really does lighten up a piece
Anywho! I love the story so far
Keep writing, Vivi!
It was about to when my laptop broke, but thanks to your help with my Google drive app I should be able to secure all my stuff better. I was at the last couple chapters. I'll probably only publish on the free days each month, or every two weeks tops. This is one of the chapters I really rushed. I usually make an effort to avoid throat drying amounts of one sided dialogue. I'll probably come back and fix it all someday though.
Hello once more.
Beginning this review, I will just tell you that your grammar's off. With that out of the way...
At the beginning, the dialogues are too long. It's rather boring when one character rambles on and on and on. Throw in some words from Kevin or Yukio. I imagine that they must have at least some reaction to Yggdrasil's return.
I still wish you'd develop your setting a little more. Just a sentence or phrase, really.
I feel like the part where Chelsea lunges at Kevin lacks the necessary drama. Probably because the action is interrupted with a long sentence. Personally, I think that it would go a bit like this:
She didn't waste a second lunging at him, her dagger flashing toward his flesh like a cobra. "Kevin!" Yukio screamed.
Kevin gulped unsteadily, and a drop of sweat rolled down his temple. "It's alright, Yukio!" he called. He could sense it behind him. The knife had halted less than an inch from his back. Turning his head, he smiled shakily.
Chelsea drew back, her eyes narrowing. "...."
...but anyway, yeah. It doesn't seem like Kevin would be trusting to the point of stupidity. He'd be at least a bit nervous, but still self-confident. I apologize if this offends you, however.
So, the plot's still progressing fine, and I'm looking forward to seeing all the people in the village again. Keep writing, please.
-Chaser
Actually now that you mention it I do have an idea to rework the scene, with the backstory behind Chelsea being the best knight in the kingdom at one point. It would make more sense for her to throw her dagger is a distraction while she would rush him following the dagger and strike while he was off guard and knocking the dagger away. A skilled swordsmen would do something more like that, dagger for distraction, then swiping while off balance.
As for the rambling and lack of setting, rambling is more like if the conversation goes off topic or into something unrelated to the moment. The setting is pretty simple, midevil kingdom is taken over, people rebel against the tyrant, people eventually regain their kind, people rejoice in their victory. I don't see what's so complex about that, it's a commonly used setting in these kinds of stories. As for them being unphased by Yggdrasil coming and going, keep in mind she can appear or vanish anywhere she wants anytime she wants. She also has the power of every living thing on the planet which makes her basically omnipotent, that said she is not actually immortal. She is all powerful, but not unable to die.
Some of the explained stuff if on purpose. Because some things are better to explain at certain times in a story, while they don't quite have the same edge to them if explained at any other times. Once the story is finished or nearing the end, it most of the unexplained detail will be more clear. It's one of those stories that makes sense once you read the entire thing, and after you finish it everything just sort of clicks. Some things will seem odd at first, but once finished will make perfect sense after reading everything.