Kevin woke up feeling like he was on fire but saw no signs he ignited in his sleep. He quietly got up quietly and snuck out of his house planning to go sit by the river for some fresh air when suddenly spotted Megan heading out through the secret exit only the four of them knew about. She heard him approach but was quickly silenced when he point to the patrolling soldiers nearby facing the other way but close enough to hear if they spoke.
Kevin needed to talk to her anyway so he went with her to the shack instead.
"So what's up Megan, you wake up freezing on your arms but no sign of using your powers?" Kevin had asked.
How did you kn" Kevin cut her off and said "because I woke up feeling like I was on fire but didn't ignite. Yukio and Hitomi probably had the same."
He looked around out the door. "Expecting someone?" Megan asked confused. "No just wanted to make sure they didn't decide to come to, I was actually planning to go to the river to sit down and relax." She was giving him a look of distrust and anger.
"Woah calm down Megan it was for fresh air is all, not for practicing magic, I only managed before because I was berserk. If not for that my fire would have been far too weak for a sea creature, you know water is like a weakness to me. I would get destroyed and you know the demon crabs only appear when violence is nearby or when threatened. I don't think I can even be a threat to them if I wanted to, I have no intention of testing that." Kevin said.
"I don't believe you, I'm coming too." Megan said still looking irritated.
They walked to the river talking the whole way.
"So you can make crystal now, that's very beautiful by the way." Kevin said.
"Yeah but only as far as guarding my hands, I can ice over my whole body. Also the crystal doesn't hold up beyond about 10 meters if I try using it further it hurts, if I move more than 10 meters or the target manages the crystal breaks. It has its limits" Megan shrugged as she plopped down near the river arms around her legs.
Kevin sits less than a half foot away and plops down the same way. He takes a long deep breath and lays back on the ground letting it out. "This is nice." He said.
"Yeah, if only it could always be this way." Megan said.
"Something on your mind?" He sat back up and looked at her.
"No just thinking of a couple things nothing important." She said.
"Hey looked out across the river into the mountainous horizon. "You ever wondered what it's like out there?" He asked pointing across to the mountains.
"A little I guess but I'm happy here" Megan responded worried about what he is thinking.
"Lets go back, we don't want to be caught having snuck out of the village." He said.
"Yeah or having our parents see our empty beds" she shivered at the thought. "Father would kill me, especially since I'm sure he would not believe I stayed in the village."
"Should we attack yet Kyoma" asked a man training the kids.
"Not to hasty Klein, send word for our reinforcements we will handle this in one fell swoop" Kyoma said.
"Yes sir" Klein said rushing off.
Kevin felt a presence following them but noticing it's neutrality at the moment would get Megan in the village before taking care of it. They were halfway back when he saw Hitomi and Yukio walking back from the shack most likely. "Good she will be safe if I can convince them to take her home and give me some time alone somehow" he thought.
He rushed up to them silently and lightly smacked the back of their heads. "Gotcha!" He yelled and kept running not hiding his steps this time. He would stop just lout the village listen for how many sets of feet, then determine the threat it could pose after they were safe.
He stopped 4 meters from the secret way into the village. "Got you now you punk" Yukio said as she tackled him. He let her get him without any effort so to the followers he sensed it just looked like kids being kids. He whispered in her ear "Megan and me have been followed get yourselves to safety and alert the guard I'm outside the village and in a fight."
"No!" Yukio said "Hitomi this is something you and Megan are better for come here."
They whispered his plan quietly enough nobody out of sight could here.
Megan said "I don't like your plan... it sucks. I'm staying!"
"Fine by us" Hitomi and Yukio looked at each other and said.
"Megan your dad will..." Megan cut him off "have to punish me later I'm staying or we all go."
Kevin sighed "Hitomi we will need a to all four of us run around the village as fast as possible but split into two groups one reverses back halfway around. That's going to be you and Megan. When you get inside just scream as loud as possible and tell the first guard you see, the three of us left will fight until we see guards."
"Ready?" Kevin said more of a statement than question. He took a deep breath. "Go!"
They ran half around and broke up into two groups of two.
"Sir they split up?" Klein said confused.
"Well well well, seems the boy knew we were here and let himself be tackled to devise a plan to try and confuse us. Sadly for him he only had two options and only one would get achieved like this." Kyoma said.
"Sir?" Klein said
"Follow his trap but split into two groups too attack the village at both entrances. But just in case have a small two man group keep watch on the entrance they will use." Kyoma ordered.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Awesome chapter. As I read more I can see myself being Kevin. However my Favorite charter is Meghan. I know you said Kevin is smart, and I know he is a great leader. But in my opinion with out meg there......Kevin would lose his mind. Meghan is by far on a totally different level of thinking and maturity. And now a villain Kyoma is introduce......the story I can tell is about to get real spicy. I mean this guy Kyoma shows already that he is intelligent beyond compare for he has already devise a counter against our young hero Kevin plan........so is Kevin smarter then Kyoma or will this villain win at the end? Lol Idk, don't spoil it for
-to chapter three,
Hope it is just as good as 2
from you friend Kwanza
Well then you will love it later in the story, if you like Megan and Kevin. Kevin is based on me, Megan is based on the first person I ever dated and she was named Megan, Yukio is based on someone like an older sister too me, Hitomi is based on a famous person.
Awesome chapter. As I read more I can see myself being Kevin. However my Favorite charter is Meghan. I know you said Kevin is smart, and I know he is a great leader. But in my opinion with out meg there......Kevin would lose his mind. Meghan is by far on a totally different level of thinking and maturity. And now a villain Kyoma is introduce......the story I can tell is about to get real spicy. I mean this guy Kyoma shows already that he is intelligent beyond compare for he has already devise a counter against our young hero Kevin plan........so is Kevin smarter then Kyoma or will this villain win at the end? Lol Idk, don't spoil it for
-to chapter three,
Hope it is just as good as 2
from you friend Kwanza
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
I think I like this chapter even more than the first one! The main reason for that is because it had less dialogue and more detail. Good work.
The main deal with this chapter (and for the overall book, really) is that there is waaay too much telling and not enough showing. What is showing vs. telling? This article should explain it nicely. The reason as to why you need to insert more showing into your writing is this.
Look at your first sentence. He wakes up feeling like he was on fire. Where is the example of how he felt like he was on fire? Did he feel like his skin was bubbling from the heat? How did it feel? Was it the kind of heat that is just unbearable, or was it the faint kind of heat that you can JUST stand? Show us how he felt, don't tell us about it. We want to be able to visulize in our minds what exactly everything looks like, and telling will never do that.
Granted, telling does have its merits. When you're giving description and detail the story stops. That isn't something that you're aiming for, as the reader wants the story to keep progressing and moving forward. That's where telling comes in. You try and mix in an even mixture of showing and telling, but showing does need to have the overall. Does this make sense? If not, please tell me and I'll do my best to explain further.
This is what we call a run-on sentence. You have around three ideas in this sentence, when you should only have one. A sentence can only be composed of one idea. You cannot have more than that, or it will most likely turn into a run-on. So look through your sentences and try to fix that. One sentence equals one idea.
When somebody is interrupted in their speech, you use the en-dash to signify that. (-)
Comma after no.
Here, you have mixed character dialogue and action. When writing dialogue out, different characters talking need to be in different paragraphs. Same goes for their actions when attached to dialogue. So this paragraph would normally look like this.
See? The different characters dialogue and actions are separated out. The reason for that, is so no reader will be confused as to who is talking, and completing the action.
Comma after yeah.
Comma after Hitomi.
Basically, showing and not telling needs to be worked on when it comes to this chapter and your usage of commas. There are hardly any commas in this chapter, and they are needed rather badly. There's such thing as overdoing it on commas (I do that aaall the time) but there's also under-doing it. So try to insert more commas in after you've figured out where to put them an the like.
Other than the things that I mentioned, this chapter is great! I'll do my best to get to the third chapter today, but no promises.
Keep writing!
~Cricket
If I may review:
This story is doing well, for now. But I'm finding an unfortunate number of issues.
First of all: Setting description. Kevin should notice his surroundings as he passes them, at least on some level. Is the area surrounding the village a forest or a plain? Where does the river run to/from, and what does it look like? What does his house look like? Can you find a unique way to describe the mountains? I'll be honest here, the setting seems a bit threadbare, and ineffective as a result. The details of a world, especially in a fantasy setting, are almost crucial.
Second: The dialogue. Proper punctuation would take care of it. Use commas and periods to avoid run-ons. One technical error I noticed is that when a character cuts off, or is cut off, you would usually put a "-" there. For example, "How did you kn-". A ... would indicate the character trailing off momentarily, henceforth a pause. Oh, and it's important to think of the vocabulary each type of character would use. I doubt Kevin would say "mountainous horizon" casually.
Third: The flow of the story. Where do Klein and Kyoma come in? Are they hiding somewhere, or blending in with the guards? Their actions and motives confuse me.
Fourth: The characters. I really hope you give Hitomi some substantial dialogue. At this point, nothing about her really sticks in the reader's imagination. While I'm at it, I'll mention the characters' emotional descriptions. You do fine mostly, but it's important to remember that emotional behaviors based on feelings or thoughts can sometimes betray those thoughts to the audience.
That's all for now. This story has potential, for sure, and I'm hoping that you can polish it into something great. Good luck.
-Chaser
Hello, again!
So, nice new chapter! Let's get this review on!
I realized this while reading the chapter - is this in planet earth? Because having a mix of names (like Kevin and Yukio) from different cultures may not be the best idea. And, adding to that fact, there are two English and two Japanese (Japanese, right?) names.... Soo, yeah, just to give you that thought.
Next, a bunch of the beginning of this chapter is dialogue. Add some imagery! Description! You've snuck some emotions in there - great! Now add what everything looks like. I don't really have a good, vivid image of the mountains.
Great second chapter! Let me know when chapter 3 is out!
~ EternalRain
A bug on the site made things screwy but chapter 3 was out before two apparently.
Oh. Weird. I'll go review that in a little while.
I know right, on the other hand I had to pay to publish this twice actually. As for the 2 Japanese 2 American names (although Kevin is technically an Irish name.) It will explain a bit about that later only 3 of them originally are from that village.
Awh. Just earn them back from reviewing XD
Okay, I'm ready to read more
Yeah but not enough can be earned from reviews. Takes two to three reviews with the max amount of attainable points in order to publish. Which I personally think is really stupid, some people are readers some are writers, some are both. And I think points to post is a stupid concept to begin with, but I like the people I chat with here. I can understand the points system keeps things in a cycle, just I personally think it's a stupid requirement.
Plus with how much in the green room is poetry and short stories getting lots of points is really hard. It's easy to get tons of points on long things, but the less there is in a,post, the less there is too review, making it harder to review unless you nitpick at one thing repeatedly.
Really? If you review a lot, you get a lot of points. Don't post works constantly, maybe one a week. Then you can have points saved up.
And to be honest, I think it's a wonderful system. Look at all the other writing websites - wattpad, fan fiction.net, they all are full of works with no reads. And this way, everyone gets reviews.
Also, if you need review tips, you can check out the 'will review for food' section in the forums. There is lots of tricks on how to make a review good.
A best friend/ex fiance uses wattpad lol she said it's really good though. And yeah I post one chapter a week in both stories to avoid using to many points.