12+ Language

Children Of Shadows Chapter Three Bandits Assault

Kevin Megan and Yukio took up a fighting stance at the gate when a lone arrow shot his ear so close he felt it. A warning shot obviously, they were honorable enough to not intended on harming children at least or so it seemed.

He turned towards them and begged "please go inside, you know what happens if they shoot something at me when I ignite Megan I will be just fine." 

"No!" She said angry he would even suggest it.

"Then I'm sorry" he put a hand on Yukio's shoulder and turned away. Megan looked confused when she felt a sudden small shock then fell unconscious.

"Hate me if you must, Yukio please take her inside and make sure she gets in her bed before the soldiers are alerted, then be sure to sneak back to your own house, if for nothing else to protect your parents." 

She looked at him wishing she could stay but knowing she lived as far from the majority of soldiers as possible in the village and her parents aren't safe. "Alright but don't you dare die, I can't handle her crying over her loss. Yes I knew since the note you lied about I saw it. You better be here in the morning." She ran off carrying Megan over her shoulders.

"So the girl is the cause of the crystal at the secret entrance? Interesting." Kyoma said observing.

"Sir what about the boy standing there he looks asleep." A scout pointed at Kevin.

"Doubtful, his eyes are closed but he is wide awake and probably waiting for us to make our move, once the eastern entrance is set up to attack have Klein lead the assault. You." Kyoma pointed to his other scout, " tell Yamaki he is to lead on this side, and I will join if the special soldier I heard of is actually here." Kyoma ordered.

"Yes sir!" They said and ran to deliver the orders.

Kevin heard a scream signaling the guard from Hitomi as planned about the same time several arrows shot right for his head. Less than half a second before getting hit they burnt to ashes without him igniting. Good he can use his concentration to focus his magic to burn anything close enough without having to show the magic itself. "Nice try losers, kiss my ass!" He shouted to taunt them pointing to his right butt cheek.

Five more arrows shot at him and burnt more than 3 meters from him without anything beyond him concentrating to generate heat in a certain area without using actual fire. Kevin burst out laughing and pointed to his left butt cheek this time smiling in the direction the arrows came from.

"What the hell is this kid four times each failing sooner" Kyoma said to himself.

Now is as good a time as any Kevin thought. He ignited his arms which sparked a almost black fire immediately. Then put out a hand motioning them closer as a taunt shouting "BRING IT!"

Seeing no arrows or movement in the trees he wondered if he scared them with just this. "Don't tell me a little fire and you run away" he yelled louder taunting them. Suddenly the tree line was gone as hundreds poured out in black. Bandits. At almost the same time the town alarm bells started going off, very very late. Hopefully the east gate wasn't the cause of the delay he thought.

Kevin started chucking fireballs at the bandits not yet engaging the soldiers in combat when a familiar soldier walked past he recognized as sir Thomas, the second best knight in their kingdom. "Kevin what are you..." he stopped and saw the fire. "Y-y-your a wizard, your cursed you are evil." Sir Thomas raised drew his sword at Kevin's neck. When a guy went to stab Thomas in his back. Kevin looked around Thomas tilting slightly and pointed at the guy who suddenly burst into flames and to ashes.

"I'm also on your side, if you want to kill me go ahead. But only AFTER this village is safe, if you try to kill me sooner you will be a pile of ash like that guy is now" eyeing the dead bandits ashes. "Find something I can do to reinforce and assist, once the village is safe you can kill me and I won't try stopping you. But only after its safe, for now consider me a weapon to burn these bandits and use me."

Thomas thought and pointed to the tower near the gate.

"As good as that is I already considered it, but the bandits are too far, I can't do anything beyond 15 meters, I can only use the tower if the bandits make it 7 meters closer."

Thomas thought about it and said under his breath "I'm going to burn for this" then gave Kevin his dagger he hadn't drawn yet. "Follow me too the front lines, I will report your powers to Megan's father and let him decide what to do with you. But at the moment the front lines need help."

Kevin drew the dagger and reignited his arms and the area over his vital organs with a black fire.

After about a half hour the north gate was secured and they went to assist the east. When Kevin spotted the presence that followed him approaching the north alone. "Sir Thomas we are being flanked, please get Megan's father because I don't think all of us from the north will be enough." Thomas stared and saw the honesty in his eyes then set off with the soldiers remaining. Kevin decided to buy some time while avoiding as much as possible. He almost got to the gate when he rounded the last corner to see the guy he noticed with his blade at a woman's throat. He recognized it as Megan's mother. "Hey!" He yelled throwing the hottest fireball he could. "Oof" he heard from the man as he toppled into the wall.

"So we meet face to face now, you have been a lot of trouble to me, but that ends now." Kyoma said. Kevin thought something in this man's voice seemed odd but couldn't quite put a finger on it.

"And you suddenly have a thing for helpless women, that ends now though" Kevin said to annoy the bandit leader. But to no avail, it didn't work.

Kevin followed his caution and started throwing fireballs at Kyoma he seemed to dodge them effortlessly. He admired the bandits footwork, the bandit seemed to almost dance  or so it seemed. Kevin stopped throwing fireballs and stood still knowing he needed to save power. Kyoma thought the boy was giving up so he rushed in head on and grabbed Kevin by the neck lifting him off the ground. He heard Megan scream and opened his eyes staring at her then smiled. "Oh look you got me, mind telling me your name? If I'm about to die it wouldn't hurt the possibility of identifying you, and if I'm going to die I should die knowing who killed me."

The bandit stared at him confused and amazed at his courage. "Kyoma. Kyoma Toto. Any last words?"

"Oh, I was right about the first arrow being a warning shot I see you didn't want to kill children, just the soldiers. I figured that meant the leader was somewhat honorable. Yeah just one word."

"And that is?" Kyoma asked.

"BURN!" Kevin yelled.

"What?" Kyoma said suddenly noticing he was on fire. 

Kevin said "leave and I won't burn you to death."

Kyoma ran for the entrance he came from screaming in pain. Even after the fire was out Kyoma didn't stop screaming until he jumped into the river he first saw them at.

Kevin went to ask Megan's mother Claire if she was alright when she ran inside and panicked. Kevin took it as a yes, then went to assist the east gate and was stopped a couple blocks away by Megan's father Flint, and Sir Thomas. He stopped put up his hands and got on his knees turned away from them hoping that proved he didn't mean any harm. He felt a heavy job like a sword hilt and next thing he knew it was morning and he was bound by chains to a metal pole near the guard house.

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
Holiday30
Review

Chapter 3........I have to agree with Chaser, I felt there was a lot of details missing. Lots of action which is cool but I felt like you could have added more details to each charter. Like for one what does Kyoma look like. Who the hell was the dude who got hit by Kevin's fireball when he went to go save Megan's mom.....was that Kyoma? And if so how was he able to survive Kevin's hottest fireball but could not take the heat of Kevin's flames that was put on him??? Was the flames heat worst than the heat of the fireball????

Um the dude who got hit was a random nobody, just like how in a movie nobody asks why don't the random people in the crowd get explained. They're extras, details about every random nobody aren't important they would just make an info dump. Kyoma was left with little detail on purpose, because Kyoma is meant to be a mysterious bandit. The reason for the last two questions is that the fireball burnt bad enough, double the amount of pain and it would pretty easily cause the body's muscles to fail for most motor functions.

oh okay understandable

User avatar
Chaser
Review
Chaser wrote a review · Sat Apr 04, 2015 2:50 pm

If you would allow me...

Action! Yay! But it's not everything I'd hoped.

Nitpicks bore my attention span, so I'll break out the fundamentals. First, choreographing. Really difficult to do through writing. But a few confusions in position broke my concentration. What's Thomas doing as he spots Kevin? What happens to the bandits at Kevin's gate? Does Kevin just let them through, or does he incinerate them effortlessly? I get that the bandits swarm the village, and Thomas might be trying to fend them off, but a few elaborating sentences would work wonders before, after, or in between the action.

Second, detailing. The choreographing works better in a more detailed setting. What's going on in the village? Can you describe the hectic battlefield? How does Kevin attack his enemies?

Second and a half, emotional detailing. This is important. I imagine that quite a few people would be shell-shocked at Kevin's sudden transformation. Gaping mouths, wide eyes, pointed fingers. Thomas especially should be at least a bit conflicted about killing a child. Kevin's confidence could be shown with a smirk, grin, or even an adverb. "He casually burnt the arrows out of the air, swiping the ash from the wind with a grin on his face." Or "Thomas wavered in his speech, struggling to keep his sword steady at Kevin's neck." Fine details of emotional behaviors can show the audience what the characters are feeling.

Third, typos and grammar. You've been told this already, but run-on sentences can end up being an unattractive eyesore. Commas and periods. Use them willingly.

This is turning out to have an excellent plot, although fine details could use some work. You'll get the hang of it if you just keep writing. Good luck.


-Chaser

User avatar
Raindeer
Comment

I'm marking this as a review, I hope that's okay.
Okay, mistake time! (Besides punctuations)

"Hate me if you must, Yukio please take her inside and make sure she gets in her bed before the soldiers are alerted, then be sure to sneak back to your own house, if for nothing else to protect your parents."


Run on sentence. Correction: Hate me if you must. Yukio, please take her inside and make sure she gets in her bed before the soldiers are alerted, then be sure to sneak back to your own house, if for nothing else to protect your parents.

"So the girl is the cause of the crystal at the secret entrance? Interesting." Kyoma said observing.


Correction: Kyoma said observantly. or observed Kyoma

Kevin heard a scream signaling the guard from Hitomi as planned about the same time several arrows shot right for his head.


This is just jumbled up words >.< uh. I'm not going to correct it, because I'm not exactly sure what it's saying.

"Nice try losers, kiss my ass!" He shouted to taunt them pointing to his right butt cheek.


Just to point out, if you're aiming this for children ages 8 - 14 or whatever, might wanna consider asking out the language. Also, mark this for language next time (on special settings for publishing a work).

Five more arrows shot at him and burnt more than 3 meters


3 should be written as 'three'

"What the hell is this kid four times each failing sooner" Kyoma said to himself.

Now is as good a time as any Kevin thought. He ignited his arms which sparked a almost black fire immediately. Then put out a hand motioning them closer as a taunt shouting "BRING IT!"


First line doesn't make any sense. Also, language.
Next, put thoughts in italics or quotes or something.

"Y-y-your a wizard, your cursed you are evil."


*you're

I can't do anything beyond 15 meters, I can only use the tower if the bandits make it 7 meters closer."


*fifteen
*seven

Sir Thomas raised drew his sword at Kevin's neck.


Take out either 'raised' or 'Drew'

Kevin followed his caution and started throwing fireballs at Kyoma he seemed to dodge them effortlessly.


Instead of he, use 'who'

Okay, so there MAY be more that I accidently skipped, but overall, hope this helps. And be sure to correct the punctuation, it's quite aggravating not knowing where to pause and all the contractions/dialogue too need it.

Oh. Didn't count as a review. Oh well.

User avatar
Raindeer
Review

Hello! c:

Hmm, so is it just me, or did this chapter have more errors than the past one? It would be a good idea to go back a edit them, and since they're so many, I'm not going to point them out.

So, I want to touch upon something. Slow down. Explain more. You can't expect the readers to know everything that's in your mind, so read over and think to yourself, "If I didn't know anything about what's going to happen next, does this story make any sense to me?" In a way, it is okay, but just try and slow down your pace and work on explaining every little detail we need to know to proceed in the story (but don't give us an info dump- as in- Bob is a 14 year old guy with brown hair and green eyes. He has a ton of freckles sprinkled across his nose and he wears a pair of small glasses, etc etc...)

This is going somewhere, though. Keep writing!

~ EternalRain

Why do I get the feeling you know a bob like that? Anyway this one was kind of rushed, Iaalso make an effort in all my stories to be a bit longer everytime even if just a couple words longer.

As for the lack of details, I'm bad at describing things, not just in mr stories. If someone asked me to describe areas I walk to or travel too a lot I would take like a half hour trying to describe what most could in five minutes. Same with giving directions to or from somewhere. I'm bad at that in person not just my stories, I'm hoping that will change as I continue to write on here.

If you could specify a couple different mistakes I made that would be useful, aside from poor punctuation. Anyone giving a review who points out my lack of commas and other punctuation errors is giving a pointless review. I have after all said many times how much I don't understand certain kinds of punctuation. So aside from those any other mistakes you found and pointed out would be extremely helpful.

Nope, I actually don't know any Bobs. XD.

And sure! I'll help you, one sec....



"I never expected that I should be a queen so soon."
— Alice's Adventures in Wonderland