Kevin and Yukio walked back in silence to the village occasionally forced to attack wolves bears and possessed animals on the way back. Kevin shot off a fireball once they reached the city gate which exploded high in the sky so as to avoid hitting the village but be seen and heard by all of them. It suddenly burst into the shape and color of Megan's favorite flower, a black rose. Guards ran to the wall to see who it was when Kevin saw the first guard he yelled to be sure they heard. "I need to speak to Flint to report about the bandits that attacked." The soldier passed on the message while keeping an eye on Kevin.
"You can reenter the village but will have to be kept near the gate to leave right after."
"That's fine I honestly expected to be kept outside the whole time anyway."
Kevin met Flint and saw his second right behind him. "No offense but I need this to be given to only Flint. I trust his judgment in which soldiers to tell after hearing what I have to report. But I won't say anything if others are present, considering the tyrant king you must understand my caution."
When Kevin and Flint were alone he gave his report and emphasized that Chelsea would not attack again and Kevin would keep an eye on her to be sure."
Flint suddenly said "she is no liar despite her crimes, her mercy proves she is still honest. But it would not hurt to be able to contact her for assistance when we finally retake our kingdom. Feel free to keep watch on her but from as far away as possible. As for making my second leave, wise move. I know you don't know but he is a spy for that tyrant, he watches me to keep us rebels under watch but he hasn't realized I'm not easily fooled and found him out the day I met. I used that to ID the loyal soldiers from traitorous ones a while ago. I will be sure to pass this on under the radar. Yukio your parents send their regards, and want you to know when it is time they will fight alongside you four along with me and the others. Yes Kevin I clued in on your hint and let
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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129,796 Literary Works • 671,510 Reviews
Wait its over???? Ah man you cant just leave the fight hanging like that I got to know what happens at the end, so please finish the story....but this is overall a very exciting book
Hooray for short chapters.
Not much to say here, really. Commas are underused, and your characters tend to ramble. The bit about possessed animals confused me, but I may have missed a part where you explain them. Where does Kevin meet Flint? Literally, you could just say "in a tent" and that'd be fine.
I suppose it still ticks me off that I don't really know what the village looks like. In this chapter or the next, could you at least describe it a little? Kevin could be nostalgically observing it or something like that.
That's all, I guess. Cheers.
I didn't really pay much attention to the length of my chapters, this one did come out shorter than intended though. I don't see my understanding of commas improving much more because I'm a slow learner in writing. Plus it really doesn't help just mentioning that alone, not that blatenly saying it and nothing else does much either. If you're going to waste time mentioning something you know I'm already aware of point out one or two places I missed them, it's extra points for your review and one or two is a perfect amount to help me try to improve my use of commas without going overboard and adding insult to injury. Possessed animals were explained early on, same as the village. The story takes place in a world much like our own in the dark ages probably most well associated somewhere between 1100s to 1300s AD. So keep in mind basically everywhere was forest, and very few villages weren't surrounded by a forest, and the only clearings were main roads from the capital of a kingdom leading to it's villages. This village is located in the southern most region of the kingdom surrounded by a giant forest for hundreds of miles in any direction, if you traveled to it's end you would come to a bunch of mountains, with the only crevice to pass being to the villages north. Which also means their is only one clear pathway to get to that village, the village is in the center of the forest. The forest is inhabited by wild animals such as wolves bears gators hippos and just about any other wild animals found in the united states, although I'm aware not many states have alligators or hippos. The forest is also home to several spots with strong connections to a spirit realm of sorts, much like the idea of how on Halloween the gate to the spirit realm weakens and allows spirits to reenter the earth. The spirits in this story are known to possess and control almost any animal in the forest, making them go tenfold in strength and speed. So something like a hippo for example can become as swift as a wolf or a leopard, while something that is weaker like a fox would become dozen of times stronger than a bear. The villagers are aware of that, as it happens often.
Kevin met Flint inside the village at the inside the village at the gate, that was mentioned. If you didn't know that you should read it again more closely, because it was mentioned.
HI, Keven!
First of all, I'd like to thank you for always giving such positive reviews for... everyone. That's nice of you.
I haven't read the rest of this story, so I'll try to stay focused on the things I can only in this installment.
I don't think you have commas entirely figured out, buddy. Don't worry, they're tricky lil buggers. The way you know if you need a comma is when you read the sentence to yourself, our loud if it helps, and there's a pause in between two words, but not a period. So, let's see- here's a sentence:
There should be a comma between 'flower' and 'a'. You see? because there a pause there, albeit a small one.
The thing about the black rose, though, was interesting, and I think you should expand that moment.
Oh, try to make your characters talk like people. That means shorter sentences to convey more. Since these characters have been with each other for a long(ish?) time, they're going to know each other better, and probably communicate in fewer words. They know each other and their moves too well for such big blocks of words.
Yep. Remember your grammar. It's pretty important.
Have a nice day, and good luck with this story!
~Satira
Thank you for the awesome review, I actually would have put a comma in the sentence you pointed out but didn't release it had none. I have fixed that, I will take your advice about their conversation into consideration for future chapters.
If you noticed from the leaderboards though, I actually haven't done very many reviews this month. The only ones I did were mostly when I got a notification or something for one. I do like doing reviews later in a month, when holding first place in leaderboards is a bigger challenge.
ah... you're a smart one.
and I've been here 8 months, still trying to scrap up for a 3d star!
Well I picked up an enjoyable habit of doing reviews. I love reviewing. I'm more than halfway to my next star. The fourth to fifth star is a 100 review gap, from 150 to 250.
I have a lot of free time, and often do reviews while I'm working night shift. But I do less in the first or second week of a month. I do more as the month progresses, and have gotten serious reviewers block lately.
Good for you!
I probably will not be reviewing much until he last 10 days or so of the month, with the exception of people who notify me when they publish stuff. :l