"Then lets get going this has taken enough time." He said.
"Alright. But she was holding back too you know, not as much as you held back but yeah she was holding back. By the way Yukio, I know you don't like me but you need to eat something before you move again and you know it." Yggdrassil formed an Apple in her hands and handed it too her. Yukio reluctantly took it and ate as they walked too the river. They travelled into the north forest not saying a word but following Yggdrassil who knew exactly where the bandit was at all times. As they got closer to the mountains they sat down for dinner which was wolf meat they got and Kevin cooked. Vegetables Yggdrassil created, and fruits Yggdrassil took from a nearby tree. After their dinner they kept going and camped out at the entrance to the entrance to the mountains. "Your bandit won't get far in the mountains with the wounds you inflicted sleep here tonight." She pointed to a spot hidden behind a rock that hid them from the clearing of the forest. No animals would see them so far from the trees, a perfect spot. Kevin awoke to Yggdrassil on a rock really high up staring at the sky talking. He approached quietly knowing she would know he was aware of him as soon as he moved anyway. Halfway he could hear her already.
"This boy is so irritating, but I can't leave things as they are. I know I am not supposed to interfere with humans lives. But I don't think I can follow that rule right now I apologize for that in advance."
He reached the top, "who are you talking to?" He asked confused.
"Phoenix, I'm sure you know of her too. I created her too." Yggdrassil looked at Kevin then back at the sky "I will talk to you in a bit Phoenix." She turned back towards Kevin. "It's not polite to eavesdrop, by the way. You couldn't see Phoenix because she flies high enough to avoid being seen. You should get back to sleep the sun will rise soon."
"What about you Yggdrassil, what do you do exactly aside from keep the planet going and observe? I'm really curious to be honest."
"Well I travel with you, protect the world from things that are none of your business, and I'm sure you will eventually learn if I was wrong about you dying soon. I suppose I find observing humans interesting as a hobby, though you are the first too travel with this human form I take. Oh and I also create mystical creatures like Phoenix up their, she isn't the only one. If you survive your objective I will tell you of the others. But right now as you overheard I don't really like you too much, your too headstrong like Yukio can be at times. You really should get some rest you only have a couple more hours before the sun comes up." She looked at his scraped leg sighed and healed it before pointing back at where he was sleeping. "You, go sleep now before the sun is up. The bandit can't move as fast with the injuries but you don't want to be TOO CLOSE either you still need to keep a little distance for the time being." He climbed back down carefully and crawled close to Yukio to cuddle up since the night was cold tonight and this would keep them warmer.
Yukio woke up first surprised at how Kevin must have started to cuddle after waking up at some point. Careful not to wake him she moved his arm slowly and set it down. She noticed fruits and vegetables set on a cloth near them that looked fresh. She was just returning from behind a rock she found had a hot spring when she noticed he got up but waited for her too eat. "Was waiting for you to eat l, didn't want to start without you."
She sat down next to him and picked up some wolf meat. "Thanks, by the way there is a hot spring for you to bathe in nearby probably her creation but still might as well use it while it's their."
"Thanks and about how you woke up, please don't tell Megan, I only did that so we both stay warm."
"Relax bookworm, I won't tell your girlfriend squat. I figured that was why and it was actually a smart idea. Last night was cold, if you hadn't we would probably be sick."
He looked at her for a couple seconds "thanks."
"Thanks for the delicious wolf meat."
They finished eating and he went to the hot springs for a little to relax and as soon as he got out it disappeared. "Yep definitely Yggdrassil's doing. I will have to thank her at some point for this."
After he returned he noticed Yggdrassil wasn't back so since he knew the general idea of where to go for now they started climbing up the small area they camped next to and reached the place Yggdrassil was standing before when they noticed a few trees at the start disappear making an arrow then reappear.
"Um thanks" Kevin said.
Yukio put a hand out in front of him to stop him before entering the forest. "This forest in the most dangerous one I know of. Also full of bandits much stronger than a majority of those who hit the village. No doubt our elusive friend has already alerted them to be careful and patrol a lot more now. But considering the direction our friend heading they are going to the capital or at least visiting a noble their."
"Yukio may I ask what happened that made your parents take you too our village? It's really been bothering me because I honestly thought you were born there."
She sighed. "If you ever repeat this you had better sleep with one eye open."
"Fair enough."
"My parents were nearly killed serving our previous king and queen. I was only one so I don't know much about what happened but... they were ordered to take as many loyal to the kingdom as possible away for a resistance to regain control eventually because it was to late for the kingdom to fight back at that point. All the soldiers loyal went to villages around the kingdom. One spy in each works in the castle. Ours is Flint, Thomas works for our tyrant king now on the throne. That's his spy, if you want more ask me after this suicide mission."
"Alright, I don't want to pry anymore than I already have."
They slipped carefully up to and into the capital when they saw a wounded bandit rushing up the castle steps.
"My my, our friend is either working for our tyrant king, or one of his people. This just got a lot more interesting." Yukio said only half surprised.
He saw Yggdrassil motioning them to a dark alley nearby. They too Yukio's reluctance followed.
"As I'm sure you both know you will be on your own from this point. If by some miracle you make it into the castle and don't die in their I will help you escape if I can. But I'm sure you realise who you will be approaching. All I can say is don't enter the throne room. You will die if you go in, regardless of how, you won't make it out alive if you go in their. Any room except that one should be fine, but if you go in the throne room you will die. Good luck." She sounded sincere in her last two words as she turned away and disappeared.
"I guess we know what room the bandit is going in now. The throne room. I assume you know how to get us in but not as far as that completely unseen. "
"Right, I can sneak us in the servants quarters, then we can ask directions. If Martha is still alive she will know she was the head maid and the one in charge of servants. If she is in a cell we are freeing her before we leave."
"Alright sounds good to me."
They snuck in the castle through the sewers and eventually got to the servants quarters. After startling a servant they managed to quiet him before he could scream. They were told Martha was supposedly dead but he knew how to get into the throne room without being seen. He looked to his sides and showed a badge for the resistance fighters, then said Martha gave it too him. They quietly left the area following his directions. "If what he said is true then she is dead, the secret entrance is a dusty beam by the way. We can't use it too get in because he will see, but we can use it too eavesdrop without getting close enough to get seen. Then we use your fire to jump out a window near the where we will be on the beam to jump out of a window into the river below, using your fire to hit the water just before us so it lessens the impact enough to not cause any pain."
"I will put my life on your plan you know the castle not me."
"Lets go it should be around the corner and our two buddies should be meeting soon." He followed her up the musky dim lit passage with the only light behind his arms and a occasional weak ember he shot upwards that died out after seconds. They reached the floor and waited for the soldiers boots to go away then opened the door. Thankfully they borrowed small servants clothes considering who they saw. It was the tyrant king.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Okay chapter six was awesome. I don't know if I got the wrong message here but even though Kevin and Meghan go out I still got this vibe that Yukio and Kevin has a strong connection. Almost like they should be together, but then again I could be wrong. The only thing I can complain about was at times I was lost on who was saying what...... but other than that this was an awesome chapter
Hey Kevin!
I'm glad you decided to post them. I love your characters and this 'underground organization' idea you have going; I always have a hard time forming stories like these, so it's really enjoyable to read other's who write them far better. 
I've been reading along when I can, but I think I missed the last chapter, so I apologize in advance for anything I might miss in this review because of it.
First off, I read your reply to Chaser's review, and noticed you needed a name. Usually, I would look up names that are related to the ones you have currently. However, you have 'Kevin', which is a name found in the USA--even though it originated in Ireland--Yukio, which appears to be Japanese in origin, and Yggdrasil, who is a figure in Norse mythology. So I looked a bit into each culture, keeping in mind what kind of character the tyrant king is, and came up with a few. Fritjof if norse in origin and basically means 'one who steals peace', which seemed sort of fitting. Bokun in Japanese literally means 'tyrant', though it sounds like a name. Also Agro, which I believe is Celtic in origin, should mean something like 'battle' or even 'slaughter', given it's latin roots.
Anyways.
I liked this chapter, and really like the character you've formed for Yggdrasil. She's such a strong figure; it's fun to see her personality shine through the dialogue and her actions. I highly suggest including more descriptive details, though. I had a hard time conjuring up character and scenery details. Sometimes inserting small reminders--like if a character flicks their hair, or suddenly locks eyes with another character, use that opportunity to remind the reader of hair/eye color respectively.
I would also review punctuation a bit... I noticed a few run-ons and several cases where you put commas just before/after the areas where they were needed. Other than that, you only have a few minor grammatical and spelling errors to worry about, so you're doing pretty good!
Again, I really love the story so far.
Keep writing! I'll try and circle back around and review when I have the time
Thanks buddy, yeah I was trying to use as many different cultures and beliefs as I could. I liked bokun. Might use bokun when he next has an appearance. You're just as good if not better, I love your coldware. I love your hair flick idea.
If I may...
Well, this is certainly one of the more interesting chapters. Yggdrasil seems like a character with infinite possibilities. Were it not for a few grammatical errors, the dialogue would be superb.
Yukio's attitude and personality really shine here. I can see (assuming you meant for me to see this) that she is rough, bold, and strong. You do an excellent job of showing that through dialogue.
The idea of an underground resistance is very cool. I hope we get more background for the tyrant king (who should probably have a name by now) and the current situation of the resistance.
I'm sorry for saying this, but please, please, please, give us more detail. What are the dark alleys like? What's down in the sewers? I want to know! These details solidify the setting, and may give characterization through each character's thoughts or feelings in reaction.
This chapter feels rushed. There's so much potential here! How does Yggdrasil use her magic powers? What do the trees look like in the forest? What does the capital look like? What does the sky look like when Kevin can't see Phoenix? Moonlight, stars, undergrowth, brush, sewage, streets, alley garbage, mountain shadows, eerie passage; just a word or two to cultivate the world and pace the plot out would be excellent.
This is one chapter that I hope you improve upon. But in the end, I suppose it really all depends on your writing style. I'm just imposing mine here. With that said, detail is almost universally appreciated. Good luck.
-Chaser
Actually I was going to ask for suggestions towards a name that sounds fitting for a barbarian who slays a king and usurped the throne. He will get a backstory in a later chapter, it's to soon to do that. He is mentioned very rarely because most avoid talking about someone who kills their leader. Yggdrassil is the tree of the world, her power is near unlimited. She also controls the cycle of life and rebirth. Her powers are unmatched though because it comes from the whole planet. What do trees in any forests look like, tall, full of leaves, brown bark. Chapter one states it's in a world like our own was in dark ages, I wouldn't say emerald or ruby trees. Kills the earth in the dark ages explanation if I did that. Phoenix is a bird of fire, it's a pretty well known mythical creature. Firebird, capable of reincarnation infinitely, just like the mythical creature. I really feel like you are skipping chapters, you seem to be finding problems explained in previous chapters. Not sure why a forest on earth would need describing, it's not a key aspect at the time. Or how to describe a mythical creature you can Google a picture of. Not completely sure, but I know Yggdrassil can be found as a tree on Google and wiki. A human form is unlikely though. The backstory on the myth of Yggdrassil can also be found on Google and wiki. Those are not major details, I'm bad at describing, but I do describe things that are important or key aspects to a story. If I have to describe a forest I would just suggest you picture the Amazon, or a public park if it were covered in trees, or perhaps metroparks.
Actually I was going to ask for suggestions towards a name that sounds fitting for a barbarian who slays a king and usurped the throne. He will get a backstory in a later chapter, it's to soon to do that. He is mentioned very rarely because most avoid talking about someone who kills their leader. Yggdrassil is the tree of the world, her power is near unlimited. She also controls the cycle of life and rebirth. Her powers are unmatched though because it comes from the whole planet. What do trees in any forests look like, tall, full of leaves, brown bark. Chapter one states it's in a world like our own was in dark ages, I wouldn't say emerald or ruby trees. Kills the earth in the dark ages explanation if I did that. Phoenix is a bird of fire, it's a pretty well known mythical creature. Firebird, capable of reincarnation infinitely, just like the mythical creature. I really feel like you are skipping chapters, you seem to be finding problems explained in previous chapters. Not sure why a forest on earth would need describing, it's not a key aspect at the time. Or how to describe a mythical creature you can Google a picture of. Not completely sure, but I know Yggdrassil can be found as a tree on Google and wiki. A human form is unlikely though. The backstory on the myth of Yggdrassil can also be found on Google and wiki. Those are not major details, I'm bad at describing, but I do describe things that are important or key aspects to a story. If I have to describe a forest I would just suggest you picture the Amazon, or a public park if it were covered in trees, or perhaps metroparks.