z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

The Secret of Tayburn Zoo: 9.2

by ExOmelas


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

A/N: Just wondering how people feel about Crothers' motivation. Like, he is enjoying winding Patrick up, but do I need more than that? Maybe he could have Patrick's old job now and be on edge about the thought of Patrick coming back and taking it away?

----

"Aurora!" Patrick shouted, "Hi, Aurora, how are you?"

After a slight hesitation, Aurora lumbered over to Patrick and stared glassily at a spot halfway up his forehead.

He crouched down in front of her. "Hi, girl. Just stay calm, alright. Mr. Crothers here is going to have a look over you to make sure you're doing okay."

Aurora stayed mostly still, just swaying a little. None of Treego's fury at being talked to like a pet dog, none of Dexi's arrogant attempts to slip as much past Crothers' notice as she could. She didn't even have Chip's forlorn frown that the poor thing could never quite rid his brow of. She was as much a panda as the day he'd met her.

As soon as Patrick stood up, Crothers dropped to eye level with Aurora and shoved her mouth open. He stuck a papery strip in her mouth, though in the dark Patrick couldn't see what colour it turned. Aurora stayed perfectly still as he switched the strip for a thermometer, as he stuck something in her ear, strapped something around her arm. Patrick had to put his arms behind his back in a desperate effort not to wrap her up in a big proud hug.

Eventually, Crothers was done. He sprang to his feet surprisingly spryly, and tore off a pair of rubber gloves, which he then shoved in a metal equipment case.

"Well, everything seems to be in order with this one, McAfferty," he said. He raised an eyebrow with a knowing smirk and said, "You're becoming quite the zookeeper."

Patrick held back a sigh. It had taken him longer than usual to start tonight. "I try to explore fields when I am given the opportunity, sir."

"Plenty of fields out here," Crothers observed with a sage nod. "I'll bet it's nice for you to get all this time outside in them. Good for the skin they say. Boy, I'm sure that'll be why so many retired folks spend lots of time outside."

Patrick winced; he knew what was coming. Last visit, Crothers had figured out that Patrick hoped to make it back to his old work at Neuromax, working with drugs aimed at treating behavioural disorders in children. It had been a few small steps from there to Patrick's age, to the rapidly decreasing window in which this could still occur.

“You know, McAfferty-” Crothers made a big show of rubbing his chin- “I think you might enjoy retirement. You’ve done lovely work with the gardens here - ever thought of developing a bit of a green thumb?”

Last time Crothers had gone off like this, Patrick’s had had wanted to punch him right in the nose, despite his brain’s reminder that he had never punched anyone in his life. This time though, Patrick took a deep breath, feeling the cool breeze as it caused his collar to flap softly against his skin. If he was going to get worked up over every snide thing Crothers said to him he’d be a very tired man.

But a quiet, menacing rumble jolted him out of his peaceful headspace.

“What’s with you?” Crothers muttered.

“Nothing, sir.” Patrick shrugged, realising he must have gasped or something. “Just had an idea for a topiary innovation. So, do you think we’re done here?”

Patrick forced his eyes to stay away from Aurora. He was certain that growl had come from her. Never mind the fact that she was the only animal in the place, there was a seething fury in her screwed up eyes. She looked like they were about to shoot lasers at the back of Crothers’ head.

But Crothers, as unwilling as he was to look in the animals’ eyes, seemed to have no idea.

“Alright, McAfferty, no need to get testy. I’ll see myself out.” Crothers packed up his equipment and marched past Patrick out of the enclosure.

Patrick looked back and forth between his rapidly receding figure and Aurora’s tensed shoulders. Patrick certainly hadn’t intended to kick Crothers out of the enclosure - perhaps he was just that desperate to be gone.

“That’s some loyalty you have here,” MacLean said.

Patrick’s head jerked to the left. “Oh, hi. Sorry, forgot you were there. Um, you maybe better go catch him before he leaves you behind.”

MacLean snorted. “I wish.”

Patrick smiled. “You like it here then?”

MacLean nodded, and moved a little towards Aurora. “I love it. Living here must be wonderful. So many friends, of all different shapes and sizes.”

She stared right into Aurora’s eyes, and smiled a little, then up at Patrick.

Patrick took a deep breath. “Look, please don’t tell him.”

MacLean shook her head. “Of course. Like I said, you clearly have a loyal friend here, in Aurora. She looked like her head was going to explode on your behalf when Crothers was winding you up. I respect the hell out of anyone who wishes Crothers would piss off… Er, I mean, I can sympathise there. Just, Aurora?”

She crouched down so she was eye level with Aurora.

Aurora cleared her throat, but was still a bit terse from her growl when she replied, “Yes, miss?”

“I think you did really well there,” MacLean said, “But just be careful Crothers doesn’t realise you know what he’s saying. Otherwise, amongst other things, he’ll start telling you how he doesn’t trust technology and everything was better when kids used to ride their bikes in the street. Oh, and don’t ever get him started on immigration.”

Aurora chuckled. “You think he’d try to send me back to China?”

MacLean shrugged. “I wouldn’t put it past him, even though you were born in Edinburgh.”

Patrick cleared his throat. “Guys, I love that you two are friends and, MacLean, for the love of God hurry up and get promoted so you come here instead of Crothers, but I think even he might be starting to wonder what’s keeping you.”

“Oh, right, yes.” MacLean shot to her feet, stumbling over her shoelaces. She gave a quick, curt nod to Aurora, then was off.

“Should you go with them?” Aurora asked.

Patrick sighed. “Yeah, I guess. See you tomorrow. And hey, you really did do good, until that last part. Thank you for being so annoyed in the first place.”

Aurora shot him some finger guns. “Any time, boss.”


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Thu Jul 09, 2020 6:40 am
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

And well....continuing one I guess. (This is getting repititive)

First Impression: Well that was cute how Aurora got worked up over that. It shows a really nice developing relationship between the two.

Just wondering how people feel about Crothers' motivation. Like, he is enjoying winding Patrick up, but do I need more than that? Maybe he could have Patrick's old job now and be on edge about the thought of Patrick coming back and taking it away?


Some people wind people up just for the fun of it. I'd say those motivations are just fine.

Aurora stayed mostly still, just swaying a little. None of Treego's fury at being talked to like a pet dog, none of Dexi's arrogant attempts to slip as much past Crothers' notice as she could. She didn't even have Chip's forlorn frown that the poor thing could never quite rid his brow of. She was as much a panda as the day he'd met her.


Good Job Aurora.

As soon as Patrick stood up, Crothers dropped to eye level with Aurora and shoved her mouth open. He stuck a papery strip in her mouth, though in the dark Patrick couldn't see what colour it turned. Aurora stayed perfectly still as he switched the strip for a thermometer, as he stuck something in her ear, strapped something around her arm. Patrick had to put his arms behind his back in a desperate effort not to wrap her up in a big proud hug.


No I want the hug Patrick. It's not fair that only you get to hug her.

Patrick winced; he knew what was coming. Last visit, Crothers had figured out that Patrick hoped to make it back to his old work at Neuromax, working with drugs aimed at treating behavioural disorders in children. It had been a few small steps from there to Patrick's age, to the rapidly decreasing window in which this could still occur.


Here and throughout the rest of the conversation I think it'd be better to let us come to the conclusion that Crothers is trying to wind him up. Having Patrick explain all of it to us seems a bit much. His references to this happening earlier are okay but mentioning that he's trying to rile him up sounds a bit too much.

MacLean nodded, and moved a little towards Aurora. “I love it. Living here must be wonderful. So many friends, of all different shapes and sizes.”

Sounds like she just might become a major player in this story.

Patrick sighed. “Yeah, I guess. See you tomorrow. And hey, you really did do good, until that last part. Thank you for being so annoyed in the first place.”

Aurora shot him some finger guns. “Any time, boss.”


Oh god I should stop imagining all these animals doing this stuff for real.

And that's it for that one.

Overall: Well interesting character introduction there with McLean. And Crother's too I guess but he was mostly just being rude so not much to say there. Well also this story doesn't seem to be headed in a clear direction. Patrick has to find out how to revert the zoo animals to get his job back seems like the main outline but then Patrick doesn't wan them to be reverted. So it's not really clear what we're trying to accomplish. So far this is more of a T.V. show. Episode 1: Mario Kart. Episode 2: Aurora. That's sort of what we get so far. Well let's see what happens as this progresses.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




ExOmelas says...


Not gonna reply to every individual one of these until I get to the end but interestingly I did envision this as a TV show at first, a long time ago. I wish that was a thing - episodic prose writing. I envisioned it in like childrens' magazines but I'm not even sure that's a thing xD



KateHardy says...


Haa...well maybe you could make it a thing. Boldly write what no man has written before. I mean series like The Famous Five, Hardy Boys are kinda like T.V shows with each book as an episode.



ExOmelas says...


i get what you mean with Famous Five yeah. the original thing I'd been writing was about 5000 words for an "episode" so probably a good bit shorter. but as you can see it starts to get more like a novel as animals start being taken left and right... just a kind of messy one. also btw it's not actually all up. I had this policy at the time of not putting more than one chapter in the green room at a time but with LMS that sort of goes out the window because you're writing them so fast. this is a finished draft, but I think it ends up with forty-something chapters (about 78k words).

thanks for all the reviews! :D



KateHardy says...


Ahh....yaa I noticed. Everything has begun going wrong and the plot is straining to hold it together.
Ahh...well understandable. I have the same policy except I am not doing LMS so....I managed to actually pull it off. (And write one chapter every ten days and be lazy)
And ooh sounds great. Looking forward to getting to the end.
Your Welcome!! :D Your stories are amazing to read. So many serious emotions but with like perfectly done undercurrents of humor.



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Tue Feb 11, 2020 4:40 am
Lib says...



Ayyy, so MacLean knows about the animals talking, but Crothers doesn't.

*finger guns* *winks*

I dunno how a panda would do that though. It must be awfully hard. >->




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Sun Jan 06, 2019 1:02 am
Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi there @BiscuitsLeGuin I am here to do a review on your work, so first things first.

The plot
So I really see this going some were I can see that you have got it planed out really well, and that, you no what your going to do with it, I really like how this is going, your doing grate with your description, but there are always some things that need a bit of work but, other then though's things I think your doing grate.

what I like most
She was as much a panda as the day he'd met her. Lol this is a bit funny I really like this bit.

Patrick had to put his arms behind his back in a desperate effort not to wrap her up in a big proud hug. Hhaha this bit is also really good and funny, see there or a lot of really good bits in your work don't get me wrong but some times it just needs a bit of work.

"Well, everything seems to be in order with this one, McAfferty," he said. Hhaha McAfferty funny name or ser name I think I like it though.

Patrick’s had had wanted to punch him right in the nose, despite his brain’s reminder that he had never punched anyone in his life. well I feel like this is realistac to me this bit just this bit, for I feel like I have always wanted to do that to some other poeple, sometimes.

“Nothing, sir.” Patrick shrugged, realising he must have gasped or something. you could not have made this bit sound better or funny ear, see this is the bits that I really like in your story, also need this in suggestions though for spelling mistake.

what needs a bit of work

"Aurora!" Patrick shouted, "Hi, Aurora, how are you?"
I am not shore really why there is two Aurora's here Patrick shout Aurora then, said Hi Aurora, I am not getting this bit, I feel like you need to make it sound like more sens or you could take the second or first Aurora out, by the way I think I have said this before but I love this name, same with Patrick.

None of Treego's fury at being talked to like a pet dog, none of Dexi's arrogant attempts to slip as much past Crothers' notice as she could.
first ly I really feel like this bit does not make much sens and also I think that the comer should be taken out and put in its place is a full stop, I will put this in suggestions.

She didn't even have Chip's forlorn frown that the poor thing could never quite rid his brow of.
okay I feel like this chapter so far is just confosing me a bit I really am not shore what is going on, I feel like you, need this in suggestions to.

Crothers dropped to eye level with Aurora and shoved her mouth open.
I feel like this bit is a bit meen but I do not think that you ment to sound that way about it, I meen the bit that I don't like much here is the bit were Crothers shoved Auroras mouth open I feel like he is not being very nice or jentle.

Suggestions
None of Treego's fury like being talked to like they were pet dogs. none of Dexi's arrogant attempts to slip as much past Crothers' noticed as she could.
She didn't even have Chip's forlorn frown that the poor thing could never quite get rid of.

“Nothing, sir.” Patrick shrugged, realizing he must have gasped or something.

so that is all that I can say if I come akrose as being to hard then I am really sorry about it, so keep up the grate work. I hope to here the next Chapter really soon. :D

@EagleFly out to seek and kill




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Sat Jan 05, 2019 8:41 pm
Shady wrote a review...



Hey Bisc!

I'm so excited to be getting another chapter so soon! :D This is awesome! Let's get started...

Last visit, Crothers had figured out that Patrick hoped to make it back to his old work at Neuromax, working with drugs aimed at treating behavioural disorders in children.


Okay so, I have a chronically bad memory when it comes to stories. It's just how it is. I forget details in my own novel that I wrote myself, and I certainly forget details of a novel I've been gradually following over the course of a couple months. However.

Crothers and Patrick both work for Neuromax, right? So I'm assuming the company is sending Crothers to check up on Patrick and what he's doing. But... is it not common knowledge within Neuromax about the talking animals? I mean I read the last chapter without that setting off alarms in my head but now I'm wondering about why it's so important to Patrick that Crothers not know that they're able to talk?

Like... if Crothers knows that the animals can talk, then why try to hide it from him? And if he doesn't, then why the heck is he there? Is he actually a veterinarian? In your A/N you said that maybe he could have Patrick's old job and yeah that could work for motivation -- but it doesn't super make sense to me why a drug-developer would be sent to check on the health of animals?

And this might just me getting overly-science-person with you. But I know that my best friend is a biochemist interested in making drugs. And like she has a dog... but overall she's fairly timid around animals and doesn't know a ton about them. I am more of a zoologist and could totally handle what Crothers is doing now -- but I know literally nothing about drug development. And I know theoretically you could have someone with cross over of knowledge between both fields -- but in practice how we are tends to be pretty common. You're either into molecular bio or you're interested in animal bio and there's not a ton of people who like both haha.

“Just had an idea for a topiary innovation.


I admit I had to look up what topiary is, but that's cool! I like this :D

She looked like they were about to shoot lasers at the back of Crothers’ head.


Do it

I respect the hell out of anyone who wishes Crothers would piss off… Er, I mean, I can sympathise there.


Haha, I really like her already. Maybe Crothers is afraid MacLean is going to replace him and is just a salty, bitter old man all the time. xD

Aurora shot him some finger guns.


xD I think this is a prime example of why I love this novel so much. Just the mental image of a panda executing this action is supremely satisfying haha.

~ ~ ~

Okay! Another great chapter! I really liked getting to see this side of MacLean. I really like her! And of course, I really don't like Crothers, but that was the goal ;)

I think you might be okay on the motivation front, but you are like right on the fence for that between him just being a flat antagonist. Like. I like his character, I really do. I like how grouchy he is. And I love that Patrick and MacLean both hate him so much. He's a good character, he just needs some clearer motivation.

Since you asked about this in the A/N I'm going to assume that you don't mind a bit of brainstorming (and if you do then just disregard this lol) but maybe he could be like... traumatized in some way? Like, maybe he's going through a divorce? Or maybe he was divorced like 5 years ago and just got salty about that and never got better? Maybe his spouse died?

We have a professor at my uni that is the absolute pits, and according to the other professors she used to be a really cool person until her husband died unexpectedly. And like now she's even re-married but she's such a psychotic control freak ever since that happened.

And like one of my favorite quotes from my pastor is "hurting people hurt people." Which like he says to mean that the people who just act like jerks for no apparent reason and try to hurt your feelings are probably hurting a lot themselves, which means that as a Christian you should respond lovingly to them even if they're mean not try to hurt them back. But like I think that principal applies here, too?

Like clearly Crothers wants to upset Patrick, but why? The easiest explanation would be that either they used to be coworkers and Patrick did something to upset him (maybe Patrick used to be a rotten boss or something? But that seems ooc), or that Crothers has his own un-dealt with trauma and lashing out at Patrick rather than dealing with his own problems, which I think would probably be a good way to take this specific character, considering what I said above about it not making a ton of sense for a drug developer to be sent to check up on animals.

So... sorry, wow, that was ramble-y, but you kinda get what I'm trying to say here? Come up with some reason for Crothers to be such a terrible person and I think that that would be easier to maintain than having some weird rivalry thing going on between them.

I think that's all I've got, though! I really liked this chapter as well! Here's hoping that someone else comes along to review it soon, too! :D

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




Shady says...


Oh, also a tiny comment but one that I meant to make in the review -- you don't have this chapter in the same one as your previous ones. Oop.



Dossereana says...


yes I think that to, thanks for saying that shady.




Who's the more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?
— Obi-Wan Kenobi