The Secret of Tayburn Zoo: 4

A/N: To Shady, beware use of second-person "you" in this chapter. To the rest of you, does this bother anyone else? I'm not one hundred per cent married to it, but I was just trying something. So if the consensus is against I'll take it out and stick with normal limited third person. I do do lots of physical description of Patrick though, so maybe that'll get me back on your good side, Shady :P 

Also, if anyone recognises "as well as a fairly creased navy waistcoat and blue shirt", yes I may have got a bit obsessed with the World Cup...

Lastly, I know not that much actually *happens* in this chapter, but hopefully the filling in of information about Patrick plus a little more about the setup of the zoo will be enough. Might make this into 4.1 and the next 4.2 later depending on reaction.

Alrighty, without further ado...

---

The next morning, Patrick sighed as his alarm beeped. He'd been lying awake for the previous twenty minutes, but that didn't mean he had any desire to start this day. The phone call had come right in the middle of him soldering a wire in Dexi's climate changer, and he'd almost burnt his fingers in the fright it gave him. But he'd managed to take the call and now, at five am, he had two hours before the construction workers would arrive to begin building the panda enclosure.

He swung his legs off his old - though still springy - mattress, and looked around his room. The wallpaper was as subdued as the rest of the underground level, but there were so many pictures of his family, his childhood home and places he'd visited crammed together on the walls that you could barely see it. And on his chest of drawers directly opposite the bed, the photograph he needed more than any other today.

"Hi, honey," he whispered. He stroked his finger along the macaroni that had been glued in a haze of glitter around the sides of the photo frame by his grandkids. Looking deep into the eyes of his wife, Judy, he took a long, steady breath. It was the last picture he had of her before she'd gone into the hospital, the last one she'd let him take of her.

Her grey hair was still thick, if a little dry, and her face, pale as ever, now combined with it to give her the countenance of a wicked witch. That sounds cruel, but if you asked Patrick he’d explain with a grin that his wife considered witches to be essentially super-grannies, and it was only patriarchal beauty standards that labelled her a hag. Besides, as Patrick now argued in her place when the story was told at family dinners, wasn’t “wicked” just another word the kids used, like “cool” or “groovy”?

He often wondered what she'd think of all this. Would she approve of his secrecy? Would she be horrified by what his company had done to these animals? But Patrick knew well that she'd have trusted him, and all he was really doing here was voicing his own doubts in her quiet Highland tones.

Patrick dragged himself into his small ensuite bathroom. Its cheap, temperamental shower-bath combo and its chipped mirrors looked desolate the first time you walked in, but for Patrick, this was just a reminder of his childhood home. All it lacked was the woodland creature patterned wallpaper that he'd begged his mother for the one time the family tried to redo the place.

He brushed his teeth, simultaneously stretching his legs and rolling his shoulders as he did to save time. He did this every morning, and the funny thing was that for Patrick it never really felt like work. It was what Judy would have wanted for him. Not a hospital, or a home. He looked old enough for it, you'd have thought, with deep creases at the sides of his eyes and his short, stubbly beard almost entirely grey. But the truth was that Patrick was only sixty-two, not even old enough to retire from Neuromax. After slipping on his only pair of suit trousers, as well as a fairly creased navy waistcoat and blue shirt, he was ready to go face the day. He was confident, with his back held straight and his gaze looking steadily ahead. Everything was going to be fine. Unfortunately, as he opened his bedroom door his phone buzzed and he nearly jumped out of his skin. He glared at his phone; the stupid thing was always interrupting at the most untimely moments. But it was a text from his only daughter, Helen, asking if he could babysit the kids today. Patrick smiled. He always looked a lot younger when he smiled, because then the creases at the sides of his eyes made sense. The thought of apologetically declining because of the day's magnitude popped into his head, but he promptly dismissed it. You could have offered Patrick an all expenses paid trip to Mars, but unless he could bring his grandkids, he'd decline in a heartbeat.

"What are you wearing?" Treego the frog shouted up at Patrick. Patrick stopped halfway across the bridge, his seventh crossing of the bridge in as many minutes.

He frowned. "I want to look smart."

Treego pointed at the bag of woodchips Patrick was lugging across on this particular trip. "You're doing grunt work. You keep grunting."

"That's not what- Oh, never mind." Patrick shook his head. "What if they come early and I have to excuse myself to get changed out of my jumpsuit in my secret underground lair?"

Treego laughed, his feet slipping slightly on his lilipad. "Fair enough, that's why you're the boss and I just take care of my pulleys."

Patrick's frown disappeared. He set the bag down beside him and leaned properly over the railing. "How are they doing, buddy?"

"Good, good." Treego nodded. Patrick spent the next few minutes listening to him describe a new system that would allow pretend clouds to be floated over the heads of the frogs and hindrances dropped from the sky. This was how he had spent the majority of his time since surfacing, always getting distracted by one of the animals' days. He was supposed to be ensuring everything was in order, without a single detail that could give them away. But he still found it fascinating to hear a little blue frog describe the potential energy of a pretend bomb dropped from the sky.

That was also why it was now time for his staff to arrive, and he hadn't even noticed. There was a tap on his shoulder.

“Patrick,” said a tall young woman, whose name was Margo. She fidgeted with the ends of her long black hair. “When are they getting here?”

Patrick considered replying with a long, elaborate morning greeting, but her deep frown and wide, worried eyes told Patrick this was clearly not the time. “About forty-five minutes from now. You’re nervous, right?”

Margo raised an eyebrow, standing with her weight on one leg. “Of course we’re nervous, Patrick. We’re neurologists, not zookeepers.”

“Did you not give them the flashcards we made?” Treego shouted up. The animals had spent a bit of time figuring out their needs, though Treego listing at least two hours a day of sunbathing as a need may have been something of a stretch.

Margo’s head stayed pointedly facing Patrick, not Treego. Patrick sighed. Neuromax had sent five of their scientists most able to work remotely to Tayburn, hoping that they would keep up appearances of the place running as a real zoo. Occasionally one of them got bored and went downstairs to his lab. They’d work for a little while on one of his experiments, but never with much conviction. Patrick had got himself into this mess; it was his responsibility to get back out of it.

“Well, we don’t have any flashcards about pandas,” she said. Her jaw was clenched slightly, but kept unclenching, as if she was trying very hard to stay calm.

“You have google don’t you!” Treego shouted. Patrick winced.

Margo took a very deep, slow breath. “Yes. Yes, we do. Fine, I’ll leave you two to your chit-chat.”

She turned round and strode away, but it was only really her legs that were taking long, confident steps. Her shoulders were slumped forwards. Patrick knew it wasn’t easy for her, for any of them. They’d worked so hard only to be stuck here where they clearly felt uneasy. He really had to talk to Treego about that.

“Treego, I-” he started, but of course, by the time he’d leaned back over the railing Treego too had bounced off down the lily pads and was at the other end of the pond.

Patrick shook his head. Well, he ought to have been getting on with the day anyway. He heaved the woodchip bag up into his arms and finally finished his crossing of the bridge.

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kaitlyn
Review
kaitlyn wrote a review · Tue Jul 07, 2020 8:03 pm

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

And it is time for the next chaper.

First Impression: Well another bit of a filler. This is streching out a little too much. This chapter and the previous could have easily been converged and it would be just one larger filler chapter before hopefully in the next one we get to see the plot move forward and this panda finally arrive.

Anyway let's get to it,

The next morning, Patrick sighed as his alarm beeped. He'd been lying awake for the previous twenty minutes, but that didn't mean he had any desire to start this day. The phone call had come right in the middle of him soldering a wire in Dexi's climate changer, and he'd almost burnt his fingers in the fright it gave him. But he'd managed to take the call and now, at five am, he had two hours before the construction workers would arrive to begin building the panda enclosure.


Ouch. That can't have felt good.

"Hi, honey," he whispered. He stroked his finger along the macaroni that had been glued in a haze of glitter around the sides of the photo frame by his grandkids. Looking deep into the eyes of his wife, Judy, he took a long, steady breath. It was the last picture he had of her before she'd gone into the hospital, the last one she'd let him take of her.


Well that's a very sweet sounding story there although I believe it had pretty sad ending by what the rest of the story sounds like.


He often wondered what she'd think of all this. Would she approve of his secrecy? Would she be horrified by what his company had done to these animals? But Patrick knew well that she'd have trusted him, and all he was really doing here was voicing his own doubts in her quiet Highland tones.


I guess he spends time thinking about this every morning or something like that. Otherwise it wouldn't make sense for him to start thinking about this at this moment all of a sudden.


He brushed his teeth, simultaneously stretching his legs and rolling his shoulders as he did to save time. He did this every morning, and the funny thing was that for Patrick it never really felt like work. It was what Judy would have wanted for him. Not a hospital, or a home. He looked old enough for it, you'd have thought, with deep creases at the sides of his eyes and his short, stubbly beard almost entirely grey. But the truth was that Patrick was only sixty-two, not even old enough to retire from Neuromax. After slipping on his only pair of suit trousers, as well as a fairly creased navy waistcoat and blue shirt, he was ready to go face the day. He was confident, with his back held straight and his gaze looking steadily ahead. Everything was going to be fine. Unfortunately, as he opened his bedroom door his phone buzzed and he nearly jumped out of his skin. He glared at his phone; the stupid thing was always interrupting at the most untimely moments. But it was a text from his only daughter, Helen, asking if he could babysit the kids today. Patrick smiled. He always looked a lot younger when he smiled, because then the creases at the sides of his eyes made sense. The thought of apologetically declining because of the day's magnitude popped into his head, but he promptly dismissed it. You could have offered Patrick an all expenses paid trip to Mars, but unless he could bring his grandkids, he'd decline in a heartbeat.
"What are you wearing?" Treego the frog shouted up at Patrick. Patrick stopped halfway across the bridge, his seventh crossing of the bridge in as many minutes.


This is entirely too long to be packed into a single paragraph. You need to break this up into a couple.

That was also why it was now time for his staff to arrive, and he hadn't even noticed. There was a tap on his shoulder.
“Patrick,” said a tall young woman, whose name was Margo. She fidgeted with the ends of her long black hair. “When are they getting here?”


Well she snuck up in him really well.

Well it looks like they are really going to have to work hard to get their facts straight..

And that's it for this chapter.

Overall: As I said earleir not much happened. Some nice descriptions, a bit of development for Treego's personality and some of Patrick's backstory are the only things of note and those were done really well.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

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Lib
Comment

It's so true. Phones really do interrupt at the most untimely moments. xD Also Margo! New character! A bit of an... attitude, but it's probably her nervousness. We shall see where you go with this!

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Necromancer14
Review

Interesting! You learn more about Patrick in this chapter and you meet some new characters.


Besides, as Patrick now argued in her place when the story was told at family dinners, wasn’t “wicked” just another word the kids used, like “cool” or “groovy”?

I found this part pretty funny. I like how you slip humor in your story.


"“Did you not give them the flashcards we made?” Treego shouted up. The animals had spent a bit of time figuring out their needs, though Treego listing at least two hours a day of sunbathing as a need may have been something of a stretch."

Frogs are amphibians, so if a frog sunbathed for two hours, it would dry out and probably die.


You're right about how nothing happens, but you do learn a lot about Patrick, and about how he did something to the animals' brains to make them intelligent.

And that's my review for another interesting chapter!

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Oxara
Review
Oxara wrote a review · Thu Jan 03, 2019 5:01 am

Ox here for one last review before tonight ends and it going to be a quick one (hopefully I can write one of substance soon but I am not the best and reviewing pieces that are as good as this :)

I only have one advice for you this time around-

But the truth was that Patrick was only sixty-two, not even old enough to retire from Neuromax. After slipping on his only pair of suit trousers-

It was about here and about around

"Occasionally one of them got bored and went downstairs to his lab."
- My mind just started slipping maybe because I am tired or that but I think that a bit of imagery or just a subtle break form it could help a little bit.

Praises-
Imagery and character was great. The introduction of the wife was subtle and awesome. Everything was just great and I don't know what more to say.

Anyway, I am really sorry for the short reviews but I just wanted to write a few and I wanted to practicing shorter so I am still learning how to so I am trying to learn to best offer advice for this. Give me a bit of time and I'll figure it out helpfully.

Anyways this is a awesome and fun piece of work great job I can't wait to keep reading.

Ox

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StellaThomas
Review

Hey Bisc!

So first things first, I started this chapter and I was thinking, I'm so curious as to where his wife is, did he have a wife, he has grandkids? So the direction that your opening took was a lovely surprise. Poor Judy <3 That was a lovely little segment.

I do find that I assumed he was older than sixty two and your description of his Non Work Life was maybe that of an older man - and maybe you felt so too, which is why it was a bit over-explained, which served to make me even more suspecting xD it's fine. But I think it could use some tweaking to make it seem more natural. I'd also particularly like to know how many grandkids he has and what age they are. Because that might make him seem less...elderly? Like 62 year olds have grandkids but they're often just starting out as grandparents. Whereas people in their 80s have grandkids as an... entity xD like they're a grandmother, and that's their identity. Basically I think having individual grandchildren and not a conglomeration would serve your purposes well.

Another little point - to me, a neurologist is a doctor, and a neuroscientist is a scientist. Maybe you meant neurologist and maybe you didn't, I just thought I would mention it.

This panda meeting is shaping up to be a disaster. Or maybe it's their plan to be really incompetent and say they don't know anything about pandas and they're not equipped to take one! Or are they worried the zoo will move to different management if that happens? Everyone seems a bit panicked. Which of the animals is in charge of meditation and can Patrick go to the next one?

One last little thing - up until now, I don't think any other member of staff had been mentioned so indeed I was a bit surprised at Margo being thrown into the mix. For the next go-around it might be worth mentioning how they tie into things sooner.

Sorry this has been a little rambling but really they're all small points. You're doing a great job!

- Stella x

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Blues
Review
Blues wrote a review · Wed Aug 22, 2018 7:38 pm

hello hello let's get going

First read-through

He'd been lying awake for the previous twenty minutes, but that didn't mean he had any desire to start this day.

BIG BIG BIG MOOD
Also very nit-picky but 'didn't mean' here feels a bit weird to read.

. He stroked his finger along the macaroni that had been glued in a haze of glitter around the sides of the photo frame by his grandkids.

Awwww this is cute!

the last one she'd let him take of her.

I hate you.

MY FEELINGS NO I LIKE PATRICK why are MEAN to him

but for Patrick, this was just a reminder of his childhood home.

Wait so is this his childhood home or did it just remind him of it?

He always looked a lot younger when he smiled, because then the creases at the sides of his eyes made sense.

I love this description! It's so cute

"What are you wearing?" Treego the frog shouted up at Patrick.

This confused me -- no mention of him running around before this...

Okay reading on now I know he was around -- but I'd move that line to just before or something.

“You have google don’t you!” Treego shouted

HAHA.

Comments

Loved this chapter! Yeah, I'm not sure I think it should be its own chapter because nothing much happens. In fact, if anything, it might work as part of the last chapter? Just so the new chapter starts with the panda entering? It'd work a nice ending. But I like it.

This could just be me having a tendency to read too fast generally but this time I didn't have to reread anything to make sure I hadn't missed anything (except for that one line about where Patrick was -- it read really smoothly and i only have good things to say really!

With regards to the second person pronoun, I again didn't even notice that it was being used at all (well I mean, I obviously did but it didn't stick out whatsoever). The chapter just reads very smoothly in my opinion. And that's when I realise I don't think I have any criticisms this time... I haven't read Shady's review yet (I try not to before I review!) but no matter how I try to think about anything, there's nothing I can think of, really... except perhaps it might be worth putting in some time references? Like, I don't know - 5am Patrick does X. 5.45am Margo shows up. Just to get that sense of time passing and make it stronger (it's there, but maybe not strong enough?) There were points were it felt like it went too quick without explanation, like when she shows up. But that's literally me being incredibly picky because bar that I can't think of anything else -- and even then!

Which is a good sign I guess? Good job! I can't wait for the next chapter muhahaha.

~ Blues

hahahaha thanks! Good ideas, will stick in some time and clear up the logistics in the next draft n stuff :)

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Shady
Review
Shady wrote a review · Fri Aug 17, 2018 2:24 am

BiscBiscBisc,

I'm baaack! Nice job on the A/N... made it feel like you were addressing me as your reader directly ;) Alright, joking aside, let's get started on this review...

He brushed his teeth... decline in a heartbeat.


This is an extraordinarily long paragraph. I suggest breaking it up into like 3 chunks to increase readability.

"You're doing grunt work. You keep grunting."


Hahahaha <3

~ ~ ~

I absolutely LOVE the description about his wife and also the information we receive about him immediately after. You have certainly appeased my demands. Well done ;)

Seriously, though, even though not much happened plot wise I think this was an excellent chapter. It gave us important information about Patrick and his background, and added a new element as far as emotions go (I mean a widower is going to look at the world differently from a bachelor or a man hiding his secret life from his wife -- although I didn't really think that he had a living wife).

I honestly don't have anything else to critique in this chapter. I really enjoyed it, and I think it was a good character-building aside. Hopefully there will be a bit more action in the next chapter, cause I want to get to that panda gosh-darn it haha.

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)

holymoly that was a long paragraph. idk how I let that slip through the net O.O

Thanks for the review haha :D



You'd be astonished at the intimate stories, hidden struggles, and heartfelt dreams that people are willing to reveal if only they find someone who'll truly listen.
— Arcticus