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Young Writers Society



The Secret of Tayburn Zoo: 11.1

by ExOmelas


Patrick's alarm beeped promptly at five am, an hour and a half before the Neuromax team had scheduled their arrival via an email late last night. He'd got a text through from Crothers, and consoled himself by the thought that Crothers had been reduced momentarily to the status of messenger boy for Sue Haldane. But now, as he eased his tired muscles into action and dragged himself out of bed, the moment for that entertainment had long since passed.

They knew about Aurora, and that he had lied. Worst of all, they knew he was wrong and that the problem was not confined to the original test subjects.

He looked in the mirror, wondering if he'd had those frown lines yesterday morning. As he opened his dresser and pulled out his shirt and waistcoat, he thought of the last time he'd worn his formal clothes. He'd have given anything to be dealing with construction workers instead of Neuromax representatives.

His mind was quiet as he brushed his teeth and headed out to the enclosures. Part of him wanted to run straight to the monkey cage and get a big warm hug from Chip, but Treego was much closer, and a much faster messenger. As luck would have it, and he would take whatever luck he could get, when he poked his head up into the frog hut there were plenty of frogs asleep there rather than outside.

"Hey, friends," he called, doing his best to keep his voice soft, but also loud enough to rouse them. "Afraid you're going to have to get up a little early."

There was a chorus of groans, starting off confused and growing into that mournful despair that follows the decision to get out of bed. Except, they ended in a ribbit. Patrick loved the way the animals had adopted human mannerisms, but they never quite worked out as you'd expect.

"Please talk to him," a striped green frog muttered.

Treego stretched his front legs and reluctantly jumped forward to the trapdoor. Since only his head had emerged so far, Patrick for once didn't have to crouch down to talk to Treego, and could look him right in the eye.

"Morning, Treego," Patrick said. "Sorry about this."

"What's the matter, Patrick?" Treego said, his voice as low as its resonating quality would allow. "I mean, I never want to wake up when the alarm goes, but it's usually at the ungodly hour of six, rather than the ungodly hour of five."

Patrick tried to laugh, but he was pretty sure that it was obvious he was forcing the breath out of himself. He swallowed, then took a deep breath. "Look, I got a call last night. We are not to open the zoo today. I came here to warn you that there might be a visit from Neuromax today. They know about Aurora, that she talks."

Treego gasped, squeaking slightly. "Oh, man, that's heavy. Okay, Pat, what do you need? I can go tell everyone else if you want."

Patrick started to reach forward to hug the little frog, but the wobbling of the ladder below him brought him back to reality. This was not the time.

"Would you?" he asked, "I know you hate grunt work like this."

Treego waved it away with a bright blue webbed hand. "This is very different to being your Scott's plaything. We all love Aurora. Oh, Aurora! Do you want me to warn her?"

Patrick shook his head. "No, I think I should talk to her."

Treego nodded. "Alright, let's get going then."

He hopped onto Patrick's shoulder as Patrick descended the ladder. Patrick concentrated on keeping his breathing steady, suddenly missing the emotionless trance he'd woken up in. But Treego's weight was reassuring, even if it was very light.

When they reached the bottom, Treego sprang from Patrick's shoulder to the nearest wall. Gripping it tightly, he looked back round at Patrick. "Hey, I don’t know how big this is, but it's going to be okay. You have several rhinos and a lion on your side."

Patrick forced one side of his mouth up into a smile. "Thank you."

Treego nodded and sprang off down the hall, suddenly far more animated than he had been moments before upon waking. Patrick bounced around a little, trying to get some of Treego's energy to wake up his own limbs, but only succeeded in causing a small pain in his left calf.

He sighed, and turned round to face the direction of Aurora's ladder. He was going to have to do this like the old man he was. Much slower than Treego, and with a slight limp.

The climb to Aurora's hut was slightly longer, her enclosure having been built on a slight hill. Patrick's tension built up higher and higher along with his ascent. By the time he caught sight of her sleeping form his breath was almost coming out in gasps.

"Aurora," he called, "Aurora, you have to wake up."

Aurora slowly opened one eye, but as soon as she caught sight of him both opened wide and she sat straight up. Well, he probably wasn’t doing a good job keeping a calm face.

"Patrick?" she said, her breath loud and fast. "What's the matter?"

"I should have come to you last night," he muttered, crawling out the trapdoor and pushing himself up against the wall of the hut opposite Aurora.

"What is it?" Aurora's eyes were so wide, her eyebrows drawn together in such a sharply worried V shape. "You're scaring me."

"I got a call from Neuromax," he said, staring at his pointy black dress shoes. "They're coming here, I think. They told me to keep the zoo closed today. They said we'd talk further about you, the panda, the one that talks."

Aurora tensed. "I knew it! I bloody knew it! You are just way too trusting, you know that?"

Patrick started, whacking his shoulderblades against the wall he was leaning on. "What are you talking about?"

Aurora glared at him. "Come on. Even Chip would be able to see it. It's MacLean, right? She totally played us! She must have told Crothers - or just gone straight to the top!"

Patrick gulped. His limbs were all shaking and his vision was starting to go blurry with exhaustion already, so early in the day. The force of Aurora's gaze boring into him wasn't helping.

"We didn't trust her," he said, keeping his voice as steady as he could. "She figured it out herself, just from looking at you. And I thought Chip was your moral compass - everybody deserves hugs and all that?"

Aurora jammed one hand against her hip. "Oh, so it's my fault?"

Patrick whimpered, feeling like he was back at Scott's age and being scolded by his terrifying schoolmasters. "No, that's not what I'm saying!"

As his voice broke into a pained groan on the second half of the sentence, Aurora's frown softened. "No, of course it's not. Oh God, I'm so sorry, Pat. Of course you wouldn't blame me like that. I'm just... this is big, right?"

Patrick willed his neck to move, and slowly nodded his head. "It is. Look, I don't know what they're going to do to you, but-"

Patrick's phone buzzed, with Treego on the other end.

"Patrick!" he screeched, "Look outside! They're here!"


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Thu Jul 09, 2020 8:34 am
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world)

Aaand we continue.

First Impression: Well that escalated quickly with Aurora there. But why would she immediately suspect Aurora? Crothers was somewhat close by. He could have gotten suspicious and grilled MacLean about it until she couldn't say no. He is her superior after all. But then maybe Aurora didn't think that far.

Anyway let's get to it,

Patrick's alarm beeped promptly at five am, an hour and a half before the Neuromax team had scheduled their arrival via an email late last night. He'd got a text through from Crothers, and consoled himself by the thought that Crothers had been reduced momentarily to the status of messenger boy for Sue Haldane. But now, as he eased his tired muscles into action and dragged himself out of bed, the moment for that entertainment had long since passed.


Good Job Patrick. Learn to find the small things in life that are positive.

He looked in the mirror, wondering if he'd had those frown lines yesterday morning. As he opened his dresser and pulled out his shirt and waistcoat, he thought of the last time he'd worn his formal clothes. He'd have given anything to be dealing with construction workers instead of Neuromax representatives.


So he doesn't have to be in uniform for the inspection but he has to be for this? Or is he just trying to win some points by being in uniform?

Part of him wanted to run straight to the monkey cage and get a big warm hug from Chip, but Treego was much closer, and a much faster messenger.


I somehow don't think a frog is a faster messenger than a monkey. The monkey would be aster I think.

When they reached the bottom, Treego sprang from Patrick's shoulder to the nearest wall. Gripping it tightly, he looked back round at Patrick. "Hey, I don’t know how big this is, but it's going to be okay. You have several rhinos and a lion on your side."


Don't forget the herd of elephants Treego. They pack a punch too.

Aurora tensed. "I knew it! I bloody knew it! You are just way too trusting, you know that?"


Well that was a bit abrupt. We saw no signs of her not trusting MacLean.

Aurora jammed one hand against her hip. "Oh, so it's my fault?"


Come on Aurora. He wasn't accusing you there.

"Patrick!" he screeched, "Look outside! They're here!"


And now this is me trying to imagine a frog screeching. Urrgh. Harry stop trying to bring logic and science into this. They are not welcome.

And that's it for that.

Overall: Well. Well. Well. This is getting very interesting. Just a bit of prep in this chapter. Not much else to comment on besides the fact that a plot has still not surfaced clearly. Let's see how this inspection goes.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Wed Feb 12, 2020 12:09 am
Lib says...



They're here!!! :o




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Thu Feb 07, 2019 1:59 am
Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi @BiscuitsLeGuin I am here to do a review on your work finally.

The Plot

As I say every time I all ways see some thing happening with each chapter I read with your story, so yeah it is really nice to read it, the definitely is something going on here with the plot, I see something is happening but very slowly, I am really liking this story.

What happen here[b]

okay so the last line was this in chapter Ten

Patrick's hand went numb and he dropped his phone in the grass.
okay then you started this chapter like this,

Patrick's alarm beeped promptly at five am, an hour and a half before the Neuromax team had scheduled their arrival via an email late last night.

okay there never mind that there was a big cliffhanger in the other chapter, you hat to go to this line wich is not leading up from the chapter before this, Not shore why you did not carry on, with were you left of but you left the last chapter at a big cliffhanger and I am not shore what to think, when it is still kind of a cliffhanger here.

[b]What needs work

But now, as he eased his tired muscles into action and dragged himself out of bed, the moment for that entertainment had long since passed.
I am a bit confused right now what was the entertainment, I don't remember any of that in the last chapter that you did, I am not shore, anyways in the last chapter you had the elephants wich I was not really shore about, and ways lets move on shell we.

What lines I think are really funny

He'd have given anything to be dealing with construction workers instead of Neuromax representatives. Lol I feel like this lines got some laughter to it, any ways just a quick review not much to say for it is so good.

So that is all I can say, if I came across as being to hard and mean about the chapter I am so so very sorry about it, keep up the good work here.

@EagleFly out to seek and kill




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Sun Feb 03, 2019 11:39 pm
Shady wrote a review...



Bisc!

New chapter! I'm so excited! Let's jump right on into the action...

Patrick's alarm beeped promptly at five am, an hour and a half before the Neuromax team had scheduled their arrival.


I am a bit confused about the continuity here. Is this immediately the day after the phone call? Because Sue didn't actually give a time, she just said that she'd be in further contact -- and now it sounds like there's been that further contact with scheduling them to get there at 6:30. And yeah that's a small plot point, but maybe try to clarify a bit more? Or even instead of her saying she'd be in further contact have her threaten their visit today and then hang up on him? That way the opening makes more sense coming straight from the end of the last chapter.

There was a chorus of groans, starting off confused and growing into that mournful despair that follows the decision to get out of bed.


Ahaha, bood. <3

He hopped onto Patrick's shoulder as Patrick descended the ladder. Patrick concentrated on keeping his breathing steady,


I know that it's incredibly difficult to have two characters of the same gender interacting because the he's get confusing fast -- but you have a lot of "Patrick"s in close succession here. Maybe consider re-wording this a bit?

Aurora tensed. "I knew it! I bloody knew it! You are just way too trusting, you know that?"


Ahahah, I've been screaming the same thing the past few chapters, Aurora ;)

"Patrick!" he screeched, "Look outside! They're here!"


Drama!

~ ~ ~

Well! That's quite the cliffhanger, isn't it?

I really like all the tension you wrote into this chapter. I can feel Patrick's tension and uneasiness and just plain anxiety. You did a really good job of making that feel real in this chapter.

It's also well timed. I liked the rising action of getting a new panda, but now this feels like a real crisis and I'm super worried for Aurora and for Patrick and just wondering what's going to happen. Excellent job all around!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




ExOmelas says...


Woot woot!

Yeah, maybe I'll stick an explanation of the arrival time in the start of the chapter before Eagle gets here and see if that seems to work xD



ExOmelas says...


Okay I've brute forced it in to see if that works logistically



Shady says...


I like that edit!




If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.
— Mo Willems