I Think I'm In Love #1

I like, seriously hope that I find Jesse tomorrow at school… oh… will he like me? I’m so nervous.

and perhaps some drool… well, drooling out, and I was completely shocked

Who’d given me this amazingly beautiful rose?

The rose was so… so… so red!

It does sound like it is from a girl's perspective so you pass :]

I couldn't find any typos or grammatical errors. The voice is pretty strong.

This is well written and now I shall go read parts two, three, and four of this.

All I can say is great plot. I'm really impressed by how you did this POV thing. I don't see many guys writing from a girls POV. Very, very well written. Just a few... nit-picky things.

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BigBadBear wrote: I think that I’m in love. Crap! Now that I finally put that onto paper it sounds so freaking cheesy! But still – I really believe it.

Ok, you see, today was Valentines Day and when I went to school I didn’t really think that I would be getting anything. But I was so wrong! Mr. Jones, my first period history teacher, called out my name in front of the whole class. The Student Body Officers were there, delivering roses that the school had put up from sale. So, Mr. Jones said my name I was like, “What?”

"Ok" should be "okay". And the sentence that says: "The Student Body Officers were there, delivering roses that the school had put up from sale." doesn't really make sense... Might want to think about fixing that. "So, Mr. Jones said my name I was like, "What?" Run-on sentence. Maybe change this sentence to: "Mr. Jones called my name. "What?" I exclaimed.

A couple of people looked at me like I was poisoned ivy our something and I started walking up to get the rose.

"Poisoned" should be "poison". And "our" should be "or".

Oh, the rose! It was so beautiful. My heart literally jumped out of my throat as I grabbed it, then I hurried and skidded back to my seat.

The rose was so… so… so red! I was at my desk, my mouth open and perhaps some drool… well, drooling out, and I was completely shocked. Who’d given me this amazingly beautiful rose?

"The rose was so... so... so red!" Really, you just need to tell us that it was a red rose. Repetition isn't needed here. Truthfully, the drool part was unnecessary, also.

It wasn’t until Darien, the girl that sat in front of me, turned around and said, “Oh, you got one? Who would give you one?” that I realized there was a card hanging off of it. My eyes suddenly expanded as I saw the little tag that was attached to it by red ribbon.

“Dear Emily,
My heart belongs to yours. Be my Valentine.
- Jesse Brandon”

I think it should be: "My heart belongs to "you"."

Oh, gosh. Jesse Brandon? Who is he? I went around school that day, forcing people to read my note that was attached to the lovely rose that I received. And you know what? Not one person knew who he was.

I like, seriously hope that I find Jesse tomorrow at school… oh… will he like me? I’m so nervous. I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep tonight. Sorry, I’ve run out of room. I’ll write back tomorrow!

Adding the "like" after "I" is a bit of an exaggeration... But, if you want, it's okay that it's there. If you do decide to get rid of the "like", you should delete the comma too. "school... oh... will he like me?" Um... if he sent you the rose and card, he definitely likes you. There's no need to question yourself. I never question myself as to whether a guy likes me if he sends me a card or a rose or such.

Forever,
Emily

oh my goshh !
this is amazingg !
reading the rest [:
keep it going xD

That was funny. I'm really tired right now, so when I started reading this I forgot that you said you were writing this in a girl's perspective, so all those exaggerated things you put in there, I thought was all a guy, and it was freakin' hilarious. lol. But when I figured it out, it was all good. Keep writing.

....laugh to myself one more time...

Hey, I think you did a really good job of writing this for being a guy. I mean, and take this from a girl's perspective, that I think you didn't go overboard with any girly stuff and I liked reading it. Tell me if you continue this because I would really like to read more of it!

Ok well I don't know if I'm repeating anyone here or not, since I'm lazy to read all the reviews XD but I really thought the main idea of it was nice and cute, but maybe let up a bit on the whole girly thing. I get that you're trying to show how a girl would feel in that situation, but I think you over did it a tad. You've got a hand on it, but maybe just lighten up on it a bit. Other than that it's cute and I would love to read more.

Good job Jared

-Lindsay

Heya! Don't we all just hate writer's block? lol. This was really good, a grat job. Not too overboard with girly stuff either to my opinion. Sorry this is breif, but I will spend lon ger on part 3, s it is the last, right? This was quite a nice romance, I wich I could write this to get out of writer's block! Such talent!

Why did you putlines through so much of it? That made reading it difficult. I know a few people put negative comments about the parts after the diary entry, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't make it so that other people can't read it. Since I don't want to repeat anything that has already been said, I have two suggestions. Some of the comments were about the character being a cliched girly girl. Although cliches never bothered me, stock characters (that are obviously the exact same person no matter what setting you put them in) do. Make her an individual, not just any girl. Also, it might be an idea to try writing it entirely in journal format. Until you've mastered them on their own, combining formats can make things more difficult than they need to be.

I think that I’m in love. Crap! Now that I finally put that onto paper it sounds so freaking cheesy! But still – I really believe it.

Mr. Jones, my first period history teacher, called out my name in front of the whole class. The Student Body Officers were there, delivering roses that the school had put up from sale. So, Mr. Jones said my name I was like, “What?”

It wasn’t until Darien, the girl that sat in front of me, turned around and said, “Oh, you got one? Who would give you one?”

I went around school that day, forcing people to read my note that was attached to the lovely rose that I received. And you know what? Not one person knew who he was.

I [s]like,[/s] seriously hope that I find Jesse tomorrow at school… oh… will he like me?

I quite enjoyed this, but the thing is, look, I know you have a Y chromosome, but you have to realise that not all girls are so... well... girly. A diary covered with hearts and rainbows? Is that likely? If she has a traumatic life, she's not going to be your typical damsel in distress. Let me let you in on a secret, your character doesn't have to be so stereotypical to be a girl.

Apart from that, I really loved your last line, it illustrated her way of escape beautifully.

Well, I didn't expect this to get this many reviews. I mean, 2 pages of reviews for only 2 pages of typing. Well done!

Lol

Well, I just wrote chapter two. I'll post it tomorrow!

BBB

(and by the way, I cut out the whole scene with her dad. This story is goign to be pure diary entries.)

I said that I would review your post, so here i am.
The spacing was really well put out, and the only thing that really bugged me was when use thhe words:

[quote] I was like...
That was the only thing that drived me nuts and I know that's how the character thinks, but please try not to do it again, O.k?
Other than that, It was good but kinda' short, you should have continued and made it so that she actually meets the guy that sent her the note (unless you wanted it like that, then that's fine)
KEEP IT UP!
shanan-cat!

well i cant find ANYTHING to critique, as being a not so good critique. but being a human, i found it extremely interesting, though i dare say i love a romance story! very good job!

Keep it up BBB!

wolfeyes!!!

Hey BBB!!!

Well I loved this but yet there was one little problem. I am a girl and I think that if I were this girl I wouldn't go around sharing with the world that I got a rose because then that would frighten my secret admirer away. Try to capture the essence of her emotions by I don't know making her feel less confident. Maybe she thinks its a prank or maybe she thinks it was sent to the wrong person on accident. Make this Jesse Brandon person appear as this mysterious debonair type guy. I don't know...its just a suggestion but this was a good start. Can't wait to read more!!!

I want to respond to this because I'm a girl. Overall, good job. Words like "freaking" and "crap" are probably what saved this. But Gwen (I think it was Gwen) was right when she said all girls aren't girly. Stop me now before I go on a ranting tangent, but you should really give that some thought. Observe girls at school. Listen to the way they talk and act. You're good at this, but it couldn't hurt to get some real life experience.

The part about her diary being covered in rainbows and stuff made me gag. Sorry, but girls and diaries...it's so overdone. Keep the journal, but put something less foo-foo on the cover. Anything.

Maybe go into more detail about her surprise over receiving the rose. Why does she think she's unworthy? Has she ever received a valentine before? What other emotions are playing through her head? You can add a lot more detail to this scene. In fact, it should be the whole first chapter. Save the drunk dad for chapter two. Now, just focus on school and the event of getting the rose.

You know, I just finished a novella told in first person by a boy. I think I did a really good job, but I'm not one to say. Maybe I'll post it here?

Anyway, keep posting this story. I like the romances you write.

I still owe you two crits, don't I? Well then -

>> Critique two of three >>

I think that I’m in love. Crap! Now that I finally put that onto paper it sounds so freaking cheesy! But still – I really believe it.

Ok, you see, today was Valentines Day and when I went to school I didn’t really think that I would be getting anything.

A couple of people looked at me like I was poisonous ivy our something and I started walking up to get the rose.

Jesse Brandon… who is he? She smoothed any wrinkled pages and then closed the diary. The red cover was decorated with little hearts and rainbows.
Emily smiled and shivered. She rubbed her arms and bit her lip. Jesse… he sounds like a beautiful boy…

“Emma!” her father roared.

Gwenevire wrote:I think you have made it a little to fast for me.
I would suggest having a first entry. You know so you can explain everything then tell us about the guy tomorrow.
Right now we don't know anything about her except that she likes this boy, she has braces, her mom is dead and her dad is a drunk. I think you could elaborate on the detail a little more. Tell us more about her before you dump all this ushy gushy stuff on is.

I've always wanted to try and write a love story from a girl's perspective. Let me tell you: it's been amazingly hard. I've tried to incorportate as much girly stuff as I can. If I go a little short, or overboard for that matter, please tell me!
So, I hope you enjoy it!

"Oh, you got one? Who would give you one?”

Two fixes:

"poisonous ivy" should be just poison ivy.

And I'd just make it clear that she's writing in her diary from the beginning. At first I didn't know why you were in italics and I though I was going to have to yell at you. XP

Other than that, I think it's pretty good! It really needs to continue though. That just isn't a satisfying ending for me. And no, it wasn't too girly. It may be sort of middle-school-ish, but that's not neccesarily a bad thing. Keep going!!

~Yoyo

But, still.

Okay, I think it was great. *And I hate romances, well most romances* Really I just want you to keep going. Is she going to find him? Was it a prank?

No I don't expect you to answer those, but I do expect you to write more . Ok now for a crit, hmmmmmmmmmm.


At least, not until she, herself, did, and that was not even an option.

This was the only sentence that really confused me. I don't really get it. Maybe you can clear it up a bit.

But, still. She was loved by Jesse Brandon, and that meant the world to her.

I like this part. , But maybe it should be written like......

But, still, she was loved by Jesse Brandon, and that meant the world to her.

I could be wrong, that just looks better, cause I don't think But, still. Is an appropriate sentence.






***As always excuse the bad spelling, my computer won't check it very well. So if I missed any misspelled words I am sorry.***

Well I haven't read anyone else's critiques, but i'm here to offer my humble advice!

As a male who frequently writes things from a females point of view, i feel I'm qualified to comment (females are more interesting for writing with...most the time! XD)...

So here is my opinions:

The diary:

I liked the idea of her writing into the diary...sort of like collecting her own thoughts...though, I get the impression a couple of sentences my be a little too...poetic? for someone's diary.

E.g:

"The rose was so… so… so red! I was at my desk, my mouth open and perhaps some drool… well, drooling out, and I was completely shocked. Who’d given me this amazingly beautiful rose?"

There was just something about that, that didn't seem to fit...maybe explaining what she did in too much detail? or maybe the 'amazingly beautiful' bit...Sorry I can't be of more help on that particular area!

On the other hand, you certainly pulled out some very diary-esque sentences:

"I think that I’m in love. Crap! Now that I finally put that onto paper it sounds so freaking cheesy! But still – I really believe it."

That worked well for me!


The Rest:

I didn't really like the drunken father bit, it sort of came out of nowhere...and then it seemed less of a threat, and more fake... Maybe if you showed signs of her being conscious of the fact that her dad might be coming back? Or maybe show her surprise and maybe even dread as he shouts her name?

Or even elaborate on that area of the story a little more...?


On the whole though, it was certainly a good effort from using a female's point of view! I would have found it hard to tell if it was written by a guy or not!

Yeah, I think that I am going to do what Snoink said.

I've tried writing about a drunk father (Beautifully Evil) and I just can't do it right. So I'll go back and redo all of the stuff after the diary entry.

Thanks for being honest! It really helped!

BBB

The ending with the drunk, mad father is... so cliched. And it doesn't make sense. I mean... *head explodes*

1) If her father is a mean drunk and such, and she is exposed to him, most likely he's going to traumatize her in some horrendous way. No, not beating her (though that is an option). The fact that he is there and he symbolizes a male authoritative power is going to influence her ways of acting and such. A little bit of research on abuse and alcoholism showed me that people who have to go through this sort of stuff often do not trust men as much as they could. And why should they? So even if he doesn't beat her, she is probably going to harden up and grow up REALLY fast, because she has to.

2) Unfortunately, you have written for an inexperienced teenage girl, one of those valley girl types, the innocent girl who believes in love. Her viewpoint screams "NAIVE!" but her situation says that she shouldn't be this type of girl. Consider: if she's had to go through a father like that, then why should she be innocent? She has been told that families should love each other, and the way he's treating her, this is obviously not the case.

3) And why should she like this mysterious man? He is intriguing, yes, and she may possibly be desperate enough, but the lack of skepticism is clearly alarming. If I were put in a similar situation, I would wonder who would be cruel enough to play such a joke and give me a rose from nobody.

And I don't know. It doesn't make sense. And no, it isn't too girly, but the character doesn't fit with the situation, and it's just not working for me.

I don't know. Fix the setting?

Well...hard work paid off. I think you did a good job, so far you haven't gone that overboard with the girly stuff. I liked to hear a bit more from Emily and the whole situation. Hope you write some more.

*~*Foreseer*~*

That was realy good and I was very interested in it I hope you write more:)

No time to talk, but one thing I wanted to say was that you did a really good job...

Well, I think so...

I'm a guy too, so I'm not entirely sure. XD

I like it, though, and I'll definitely read more if you post it!

Sorry I have to go right away, I'll get to an edit later...

Teh Wozzinator