Hey! This is just a little thing that I wrote. I mainly focused on Eliza's look because of Jennifina's contest. Thanks for any help you can give me! I might actually add on to this, depending on your feedback! It's an interesting topic!
[EDIT] this is set in our time right now, and in our world. The Oath is a vow that one Guardian makes with his/her child. It is the Oath of love. I have been lucky that I have written this! I want to write more!
______________
When the wind blew through Eliza’s hair, it only made her more precious. Her face diminished the meaning of true beauty. Her emerald eyes gazed at me softly while saying the loveliest words known to man.
“Jason, I love you,” she said softly, placing her hands upon my chest.
I smiled and looked back at her. The complexity of her face would make one stop and stare. Her long, black eyelashes blinked casually and periodically. The meadow we were sitting in together only added to the beauty and love of the moment.
“I love you too, Eliza,” I said softly. I had known it for quite a long time now. She smiled and flipped her breathtaking brown hair back behind her ears. Her brilliant white teeth glared in the sun, giving her the look of an angel.
“You are an angel,” I said, accidentally saying my thoughts out loud. She laughed and looked up at the sun, her emerald eyes sparkling.
Quickly she gazed down back at me, laying amongst the flowers.
“You are my guardian angel. It can’t be the other way around.” Eliza said quietly.
I looked down from her stunning pink face and twiddled with a flower that was near me.
“Sometimes I wish it were the other way around. I can’t do a decent job of protecting you. I love you too much to focus on that,” I said, looking back up to her frowning face. The disappointment in her face stunned me, and I quickly said, “What?”
She placed her warm hand on top of mine and looked deeply into my eyes.
“Don’t you ever say that again, Jason. You are the perfect guardian angel. No one could be better than you.”
Blushing, I continued to look at the flower, “That’s not true. I have been told that I am lazy.”
Eliza put her hand under my chin and lifted my head up to look at her. Her emerald eyes dazzled me, and I smiled. She did not.
“Jason, there is no other angel that I would rather have then you. You haven’t failed me once. I love you,” she muttered, staring at me once again. I shook my long blonde hair and flashed her a smile.
“Thank you, Eliza. It means a lot to me that you say that.”
The moment was breathtaking; too unreal to be reality. Slowly, I leaned my head in to meet hers and without realizing it, my lips touched hers.
Adrenaline rushed through my body and I leaned in closer, savoring every moment. Quickly, I took a breath, still holding the kiss.
She opened her mouth and I followed, and it was nothing like I had ever experienced before.
“An angel is not supposed to kiss their child,” she said, leaning back to stare at my eyes. I now felt like I could do anything. I would break the Guardian’s rules for her. I would do anything for her. I needed her. She was part of my life now.
“Will you,” I asked slowly, deliberately trying to ignore her comment, “make the Oath with me?” I knew from her shocked expression that she hadn’t been expecting this question.
Deep inside of me, I knew that I had to. Something told me that she was the one. She was the one that I had to take the Oath with.
“But the Oath hasn’t been performed in…in centuries!” she said, aghast.
“So what? Who says that we can’t bring it back? Eliza, I need you. You have no idea!” I said, breathlessly. Her beauty was intoxicating me again.
“Would the angels approve?” she asked cautiously.
I smiled, showing my teeth, “Who says that we have to tell them?”
She looked down at the flower that I had played with earlier. It was gone.
“Where did –” she asked, but I cut her off, holding the flower up to her face.
She looked taken aback, but then a smile slowly played across her face.
“Will you please take the Oath with me and live with me forever?” I asked quietly. She looked at the flower, and then at me.
“Yes,” she muttered, and embraced me once more, taking the flower out of my hands. I pulled her head away from my shoulder and pressed my lips against hers.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
This was really gentle, and beautiful but I felt as if the two characters were too perfect. I mean their personalities seemed too rushed. Maybe if you told us about Jason's life as an angel to show that he truly needs Eliza...anyways that's just a thought. But remember Love is not always perfect.
Wow that was really good short story.
I was very interested.
It made you feel warm when the kissed.
Great job.
You should write more.
No, please continue. I want to get this picture perfect!
First off, this story was really choppy, the dialogue didn't mesh well with the descriptions. Try to bring balance and flow to it by just moving things around *although some of the story must be cut*. One of the things you did that i liked was that you didn't put things like "she said","exclaimed Eliza", etc. (i think you get the point) after every line of dialogue (it just gets really annoying and readers lose interest very fast); you still use things like that a little too much (so work on it).
Another thing, you said something about the oath being with a gaurdian and his/her child. So the impression i get from this is that you are talking about a father/mother daughter/son relationship (correct me if i'm wrong, because it's your story, this is just how i interpreted it). If this is true, the story is disgusting (just think, father, daughter, kissing; just a tad out of place there). That's all i'll say about that.
now, to the finer details.
First off, it reads as if you used beautiful too much in just those few lines, i highly recommend using a thesaurus when you write to avoid re-using a word too much *but make sure its a word that fits with the whole of the story, because if it's a so far simple story, and you throw in some really large confusing, hard to pronounce word it throws things off*.
When you talk about the complexity of her face and how it "would make one stop and stare" makes no sense. Probably just worded wrong, i strongly suggest you attempt to fix it.
The little part about her eyelashes just doesn't flow well, pick one of the words; either "casually" or "periodically". Personally i'd go with casually.
I'll come back and edit more of it as i get more time (so that means check this at least once a day, unless you don't care and if you don't please tell me so i'm not just wasting my time.)
-Dargquon Ql'deleodna
i like the story but you focused a little to much on her and not alot on him <just a thought...smiles good though.
This is ok for a short piece. I kind of felt overwhelmed by all your descriptions on how beautiful this place and people are. If this is supposed to be in the here and now I would like clarification on where this whole oath part comes in (exactly what it is etc.) and why this girl needs a guardian. This piece seems very "Fantasy" to me and a little too sugar coated for my taste. The actions between your characters (movements and things) weren't as clear as they should be and make the overall story hard to imagine. It needs work but I think as it progresses and you give us more answers to the questions what, where, and why the story will flow well and make a great piece.
Takes a deep breath. I hope you do well in the contest bbb.
Oookay. My points are in bold. Have a read though, agree or disagree. Lol.
I can't say I particularily like this. It is fairly interesting, and a new world to look at ... But I still cannot seem to warm to it. Your description lacks flow at points, the colours and movements not subtle enough to fit in. Though it is - for the most part - written well.
I wish you luck in the contest, and keep at it.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
I'm going to die if I don't find out what happens!!!!!!!!
Trust me, that means I love it already.
I really like how you write! It's lovely!
Aw, that was sweet!
I loved this; it was so gentle and warm and fuzzy after the heartrending drama of Beautifully Evil. However, I got pretty confused about the Oath. Is this a fantasy world or what? Actually, I think it detracted from the story. Is there any way you could take out the Oath part? I mean, you're the writer, so do whatever you want.
One more thing. You said her teeth glared. Ew...glaring teeth? Sounds like truck headlights or somebody shining a flashlight in your face. Maybe "sparkling" or something slightly more pleasant.
Good job! Keep writing!
Hey, thanks everyone! I didn't know that this was going to be such a good little story. I'll write more after my NaNo...whenever I finish that. I'll go back and correct it right now.
Thanks a ton everyone!
BBB
I loved it ^_^ It's really interesting and makes me want to read more. What is this /oath/ ? Hmm... well xD you did a good job, it's certainly well written.
The only thing I have to complain about was
It's a bit unclear what you mean
INtersting. Please right more!
nice job bigbad! just a couple things i noticed a couple of things. here we go!
very nice bigbad! im not sure what the contests for but you have a good chance of winning it! this is a very interesting idea, ive never read a story about angels before, good job!
Hey. This story is nice. The Oath thing sorta surprised me though. Are they in like a different century or world or something?
Just one thing though, you make the girl sound a bit too perfect. I mean he seems to think of nothing but just how pretty she is. ...
just a thought.
well i hope its successful! byee