[pre]Hey! I'm new here, and I just wanted to get a general opinion on my short stories that I write. This is just the very beginning of my story. Everything included here is totally not true.
There was a headline in the newspaper on October 7Th, 2006:
Killer Bus Driver!
This morning, shortly around 7:30 am, a bus suddenly disappeared when it was supposed to arrive at a field trip destination in Albany.
What ever became of this bus?
Local searchers have found the remains of a school bus, destroyed, but it still had two- dozen teenager’s bodies in the seats.
The driver had mysteriously vanished.
The school officials have declared that the school bus driver’s name is Charles Hampton.
When searching through criminal records, police found that Charles Hampton had been to jail five times over the last ten years, and had a record of six kidnappings.
This man is still at large. If you see Hampton, report to your local police immediately.
Charles Hampton’s photo is on the New York Times’s website.
be sure to visit my website! I have posted my full stories on it, and I want you to read it!
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140,293 Literary Works • 673,080 Reviews
Yeah, this is intriguing; I'm already interested.
Just one thing, it doesn't really read like a newspaper story. Newspaper articles generally tend to be a little more detailed with a few quotes here and there. I liked the premise and the incident, but it just didn't seem like a newspaper article. It seemed like some listed facts.
Anyway... don't get the wrong impression, I liked it, but work on the delivery.
Yes, post it in sections. Glad you thought of that, since I forgot to mention it. xD
And you're welcome, of course.
-St. Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate
Okay, I will do it in sections, cuz it is really 14pgs typed...Thanks a lot!!!!!
I think you should just post the enitre story, dear, since there's not enough to critique in its present state. A makeshift news story does not fiction make.
-St. Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate
Hey! This is me again... I'm sorry about the text... I don't know how to fix it, but I'll be sure that it wont happen again!!!