Who's to say that romance has to be between two humans? Pork wanted me to write this. Here you go. It's really late right now, and I can't find any grammar mistakes, but for all I know, I'll wake up tomorrow and edit this like crazy.
Editing to everyone's edits, and JFW1415's revisions. Thanks everyone.
Edited 7/21/08 again.
-
My best friend is my dirt. It's my best friend because it's mine, just like my Teddy. They're my only friends, and the only ones who can make me feel good. When Mommy and Tim fight, I go outside and sit with my best friend. He’s gray, but sometimes after it rains, he turns brown and muddy.
But he’s still my best friend, no matter what color he is.
I always take Teddy with me when I go see my best friend. Teddy loves my best friend, and they both love me, and I love both of them.
Sometimes I tell my best friend things I can't tell anyone else.
I tell him about how Tim stands by my doorway while I pretend to sleep. I tell him about how the phone never rings anymore and Mommy said we didn't need the phone. I tell him about the nasty words they say that make me feel like I should wash my ears.
I tell him about the night I'm not allowed to tell anyone.
He listens and never interrupts. And when I'm done talking, he'll whisper things into my ear to make me feel better. He’ll tell me he loves me.
I love my best friend.
Sometimes Teddy gets mad that I don’t talk to him as much. He doesn’t like when I talk my best friend. He gets jealous and won’t talk to anybody. But I still take him with me to go see my best friend. Teddy sits there and wants to go inside, but I won’t let him.
My best friend loves me. He told me himself. After I told him about when Mommy had bought the gun, my dirt whispered that he wished none of it had happened. I thought it was funny, because I wished the same thing.
Sometimes my dirt just sits and looks at me. I lie down beside him and talk. I talk about a whole bunch of different stuff. He mainly listens.
When he does talk, though, I know that I have to be extra quiet. My dirt has a really small voice, and I can’t hear it all that well. I have to lean my ear up to his mouth to hear him. He tells me that he loves me and everything will be okay.
I love my best friend.
Teddy is like Mommy. Neither of them likes to talk about Daddy. But I do. I like to tell my dirt everything I can remember about him – all the fun times when Mommy wasn't there. He loved me so much, just like my dirt does. Daddy would tell me everything would be okay, and that he loved me, every single night before Mommy got home. Mommy didn't know it, but sometimes we would talk about her, just my Daddy and me, just like my best friend and I do now. I would tell Daddy how I felt about her – how mean she was, and how she was always yelling - and he would say that everything would be okay and that he loved me so much.
But then I stopped seeing Daddy, and he stopped saying everything would be okay, and he stopped loving me. My best friend won't disappear, though – he loves me more than Daddy did. Daddy was Mommy's, but my best friend's mine. Mommy told me not to talk about how Daddy disappeared, but I figured that if I told my dirt everything else, I should tell him about the night that Daddy died. So I did. My dirt listened to me and told me everything was going to be okay, and he loved me. I told him how the gun was thrown away, and Mommy fell in love with Tim.
She never told Tim.
I told my dirt never to tell Tim, either. That was top secret. The dirt agreed with me and told me that he loved me.
I love my dirt.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Wow, Jared.
I cannot even sum up how amazing that piece is written.
Was in chat and Junie was telling me about this piece, and I asked her to post the link.
I am so so glad I did. This is simply beautiful.
Not to mention heart-breaking.
Honestly, I don't have any reviews.
It's written to utter perfection <3
-JD
Jared!!! **hugs** hey I really like this you were right why does love always have to be between two humans so that was a great idea you were thinking outside the box kudos
I really didn't know what to think when I read the title whether to check it out or to say wtf? Lol anyways I liked this and the title is actually the perfect fit. Anyways this was great and I like it. Good luck, keep writing.
your friend as always
-Max
That was creepy. I can't even begin to imagine why people are calling the story cute. All I could picture is Mudface from Batman stuck on the ground, whispering things into a child's ear. And as these sort of stories usually turn out to be, it's enjoyable, and there's nothing really wrong with it, but it follows a formula. You may say: "what formula? I've never seen anything like it, I wasn't thinking about anything when I wrote it!" But again, you don't need to know the formula to use it. See, when you decide to write a story like this -the dillusional kid who knows a secret about his parents, and watches everything fall apart, and can only confide with his imaginary friends-, you figure you don't have to do much to make it interesting.
I mean, you got your psychological mind-f*ck and your dysfunctional family and your unique perspective. So you throw in some clever narration (only a kid could say the word "love" that much), make the child crazy as hell (dirt is talking to him, man) and add a slightly overused but always effective plot-twist for good measure (the mother killed his father to be with Tim!), and you figure the story is done. What else does it need? And guess many people could read this and enjoy it. It's not long, it doesn't bore. I could print this story in pamplets and hand it out to people in videostores, have them rent "The Good Shepherd" instead of "Hide and Seek." But... The more I think about it, the less I like the story. I mean, it's not that I hate it, you know? It's not one of those things you read, and feel like getting banned over. The thing is though that I read it three days ago, and now that I've returned to review it, I can't think of a thing that thrilled me or moved me or that I admired. Look, I'm not saying it's bad, I'm just saying it does nothing for me. I can sit through it the same way I can sit through Robert DeNiro chasing Dakota Fanning around in the woods and I can even say I kinda liked it, but would I actually feel like digging this up and reading it? I don't know.
Thing is, with these kind of stories you see everything coming. It's the same thing with those romance suicides stories. You know that this guy is gonna shoot himself to be with her by the time this stuff is over and done, the same way I knew that the kid would have a deep, terrible secret that could either be that he was being molested or that he had killed somebody or that he had seen somebody be killed. The way you embelish the story is the way you make it interesting. It's alright that your kid is creepy and likes to say "love" a lot and that he's dellusional, but you have to make him interact with other people. Have him bullied in school, have him become allienated. I'm going to use the most obvious example here and mention "The Sixth Sense." We don't know if the kid's crazy or that he can actually see the ghosts, and that's part of the fun. The plot-twist is also good. But what keeps us going is seeing the kid trying to come to terms with the things he sees, trying to keep his mother from thinking he's friendless, etc. Crazy kids are no fun if they are the only kid the story shows. Crazy kids are fun when they're around normal kids, when they do things.
Random Thought #23 : Bruce Willis is definately in my "guys I'd sex" list.
Another thing that I already mentioned is your narration. It sounds like a kid (well, no, it sounds like fictional kids ought to sound), but I don't know if that's a good thing. The text is a bit repetitive. It goes around in circles. Get some!:
"I always take Teddy with me when I go see my best friend. Teddy loves my best friend, and they both love me, and I love both of them."
I know this was kind of the feel you were going with, but this sounds like a children's book. I love Teddy. Teddy loves me. Sometimes we go to the lake and Teddy gets wet. I love the lake, too. That sort of thing. I can't really tell you how to correct it without telling you to redo the whole thing in a different way, but I can't tell you that I think it's a good idea to make your narrator talk like this. Really, man. I found it annoying.
This is not much help.
In a nutshell, I think that you're worrying more about your premise than your story. There's this character in DC that's called Etrigan, The Demon. He used to guest star in dozens of books a month, back when the whole anti-hero from hell thing was still going strong. And one of his things was that he talked in rhyme. Now, comic book writers are not the best writers in the world. Some are and those guys can pull things like this off. Alan Moore had a character who talked in Iambic Pentameter, not to mention V For Vendetta's V Speech which had words all starting with V. Other writers just plain can't do stuff like that. So... most of the time, Etrigan would talk in rhyme, yeah, but his sentences didn't make sense and you couldn't tell what was happening half the time.
Nowadays Etrigan doesn't talk in rhyme because some magician tore out his heart or something and his title's been cancelled for quite some time.
But what the hell are you talking about, you asshole? Etrigan, The Demon? This is the worst review ever! Well... I think that you're focusing too much of your effort to making the character sound like a child and seeing things the way a child does, but doing that you're forgetting to make the things he says interesting, the things he sees... well, interesting. You could write a thousand stories like this without breaking a sweat. What I would like you to do is elevate it, make it bigger, and more touching, and less formulaic. I know you can do it because I've read your other stuff. So, keep writing and good luck.
Random Thought #51 : Creeeeepy stuff.
Oh my, that was simply adorable. I can just imagine a young boy sitting out in his front yard that is covered in dirt, not grass, sitting on his side, whispering to it like it’s alive. It is so sad as well. I mean, just thinking about a little boy so lonely that he goes to dirt for support...it's just, too much...and I loved every minute of it!
I’m so glad you wrote this!
I did notice one thing:
You are missing “to” here. Try to slip it in between “talk” and “my”
Other than that, keep up the good work and
Keep Writing!
Wow. That was simply...amazing. I mean, you're so right. Dirt and the person...and...it has a story and...whoah. *bows to you*
What a great story, I actually was looking for another one of your works but I found this instead . It was very sad how the child has a rough time and how he has nobody to talk to but dirt and a teddy bear. It seems as if he is going to be lonely when he grows up. JFW has covered most of the errors you had, like some unnecessary comas etc. But this was very good, you haven't disappointed me so far. I wouldn't mind it if you were to expand this and give us more on the family's history.
Keep up the good work!
Handell
Jared!
Doood, radical line edits. </surfer> I read this last night, too, and you've improved it a lot just in a short space of time. You rule--and so does this piece. You totally have soft horror down, which is something a lot of people can't manage because they rely on blood and guts. With this, you made an extremely creepy story out of a delusional little kid and a pile of dirt. That's a job well done, my friend.
One of the things that I've seen pop up in your stories a lot--and something that's pretty easy to fix if you plan right--is that you're a little out of order (and not in the broken toilet way). You're kind of like me. My brain sort of goes where it wants to and doesn't bother to leave a note. Problem is, fiction mirrors life in a lot of ways, and unfortunately, life happens on a pretty linear time line.
Another problem with being a little scatterbrained is that it doesn't put emphasis where you want it, and so you have to explain things again and again in order for people to remember, instead of just saying something once and making it have a tremendous impact. I know, paragraphing advice is super lame, but for your next few stories, practice with it. Remember your most lame English class ever and see if you can stick with it--focus, body, conclusion, transition.
Shall we take a look-see?
Here, you have a lot of information. It's good stuff, but it's all over the place, so there isn't a single thing to focus on--there's no emphasis. You go from the dirt, to Teddy, to mommy, to Tim all in one paragraph. You introduce your cast, pretty much, in the first breath, and then you go back to Teddy. By this time, we have to skip back up and see who Teddy is.
Here, you can use your narrator's kid-ness to your benefit. Kids tend to go on tangents. Ask your little brother or sister a simple question and you get a novel, all about the same thing, leading one topic into the next. That's kind of the mindset you want to be in when you write for this kid. Start with the dirt, and go to Teddy in the next paragraph, so they're the focus--the stars. Mommy gets her big axe-murderer turn soon.
And so forth. Catch my drift, dooood? For the next time you're writing: be sure to have a point A and a point B in mind whenever you start a new thought or paragraph. Have a clear destination. It takes a little more planning than is fun, but in the long run, you'll be able to write drop-dead awesome stories that kill people with a single line. I'm serious. XD
__
^_^ You know where to find me if you have any questions!
*Boogies* More dirt!!!
Nit-Picks
Eh, you kind of ruined that paragraph. It's rambly and confusing, and not in a good way. Let's see what we can do…
'My best friend is my dirt. It's my best friend because it's mine, just like my [keep that whole 'mine!' attitude] Teddy. They're my only friends, and the only ones who can make me feel good. When Mommy and Tim fight, I go outside and sit with my best friend [don't make it impersonal.] It's gray, but sometimes after it rains, it turns brown and muddy.'
I didn't really add anything – just restructured sentences and ditched some stuff. It's a bit smoother, si?
And really – how is dirt gray? Show me a picture.
And I'd like to see all of the 'it's' 'he's.' Make us feel for this kid – let him personalize the dirt that much.
I just noticed that the dirt doesn't love Teddy?
You forgot to delete this, lazy-bum.
Maybe 'He listens and never interrupts.' It sounds too mature this way. (And yes, I do realize I'm contradicting myself.
I'd mention love here – I've forgotten it.
Um… somewhere in your edits you repeated this. Don't know what you meant, so I can't fix it.
This sentence needs to be structured a bit more sophisticatedly – just add a comma or something for contrast. And you still need to work on the time – how come you said 'Teddy loves the dirt' and then that he doesn't like him?
'Neither of them…'
'Cause we're getting lots of characters in this part.
The part in the dashes needs to be worked on a lot.
Italicize 'mine.'
Overall Comments
I just have to repeat what I said about the names - you didn't really fix them.
(Still love it, but it's late, so...
~JFW1415
Edited! Thank you guys so much!
-Jared
Here's your first of three critiques for third place in my Side Characters contest!
Nit-Picks
You say this, but then you never expand on it, which bothers me. A great point, but it makes me feel emptier – try to play up the feeling the MC is having – the fact that they desperately want something of their own – something their parents can't ruin, perhaps?
When's dirt gray?
Aww. That means things on so many levels – sweet.
Ditch 'always.'
Yet we never see this - why? Don't tell us something and then forget it – we'll notice.
So does Teddy not love him?
I do like his fixation on love here – it's very real. He's little and has none, so of course he focuses on what does love him. But you go a bit overboard. Let me try to rephrase those last two sentences:
'Teddy loves my best friend, and they both love me, and I love both of them.'
Does that look a bit neater? And it takes care of Teddy not loving the MC, and makes it a bit more childish – I love you, you love me. That's what kids – and everyone – wants. They want everything to be reciprocated – he probably loves him mom, but she doesn't love him.
That's kind of a sudden switch, si? Ooers! Idea.
'Sometimes I tell my best friend things I can't tell anyone else.
I tell him about how Tim stands by my doorway while I pretend to sleep. I tell him about how the phone never rings anymore and Mommy said we didn't need the phone. I tell him about the nasty words they say that make me feel like I should wash my ears.
I tell him about the night I'm not allowed to tell anyone.
He listens; he never interrupts. And when I'm done talking, he'll whisper things into my ear to make me feel better.'
See how I just reworded that? Just to give everything more effect. Even though this is a kid, use punctuation to help prove your point. And the stuff that he tells the dirt can be changed – I just wrote whatever I thought of first, but it has to be smaller than murder.
Ditch this comma.
As much? So when did he turn to the dirt?
So when did he? The time's really messed up here.
Oh, a bit of dominance? This kid's gonna be scaaaaary.
How's he see her buy the gun? Maybe when he first saw it?
Ditch this comma.
Ditch this comma.
Combine this with the previous paragraph for ultimate effect.
Why not?
Maybe say that the dirt does?
This needs to be organized better. Lets see…
'Teddy doesn't like to talk about Daddy. But I do. I like to tell my dirt everything I can remember about him – all the good memories when Mommy wasn't there. [Just to show his relation with the mom – and maybe he became shy and quiet when the mom was around? Show us some of this.] He loved me so much, just like my dirt did. [Focus on the love, not the kindness. Love's more important – if his mom said she loved him after hitting him, that's all that would matter. If she was kind but said she hated him, that's what he'd think. Love's a very powerful thing.] He would tell me everything would be okay, and that he loved me, every single night before Mommy got home. [To bring her in again. Kids don't ever forget the bad parent – everything's in relation to them. I got an A, but I don't want to show my mom. I went to the movies today, and my dad's gonna hit me tonight.] Mommy didn't know it, but sometimes we would talk about her, just my Dad [Daddy, maybe? Or did the mom make him see his father as just Dad? Dad and Daddy and Father are VERY different, as are 'my dad' and just Dad. 'My dad' claims them – 'Dad' is just a name.] and me, just like my best friend and I do. I would tell Daddy how I felt about her – [put how he felt about her here] – and he would say that everything would be okay and that he loved me so much. [Keep love last and it is more noticeable.]
That's really weak, Jare, compared to the rest. Make it a continuation – 'But then…' Maybe ' But then I stopped seeing Daddy, and he stopped saying everything would be okay, and he stopped loving me. My best friend won't disappear – he loves me more than Daddy did. Daddy was Mommy's, but my best friend's mine. [See how I brought it back in? Just that little bit will help.]'
New paragraph after this.
'Loved him even more?' What do you mean? Maybe 'and I loved him even more for that. Mommy told me not to tell anyone, and I wouldn't want to have to tell my best friend that I couldn't tell him that.' Something…?
Again, try to keep 'loved me' last.
Add something here – maybe a consequence? Maybe say how he would deserve it, 'cause he thinks he would, but we would know that it was awful.
Good job keeping it last.
Overall Comments
Wow. That's really all I can say – I freakin' loved this, Jare. At first glance it's nothing at all, but really, look at how well this kid is portrayed! I'm afraid to see him as an adult.
This piece just needed a nit-pick – there isn't much overall, since any mistakes only happened once or twice. But I would like to lecture you about the names.
They really will show more character, and the reader won't even be aware of what you're doing. If you say 'my mommy,' then he's claiming her – that's not right. 'Mommy' does work, though, 'cause she probably told him to call her that, and now it's engraved in his mind.
I would go with 'my dad' for the father. 'Dad' because the mom wouldn't want him called 'Daddy,' and 'my' 'cause he loves him.
The dirt should be 'he' throughout the whole piece, giving it character. And call it 'best friend' – don't bother returning to 'dirt.' We're not going to forget what it is.
Oh, and is the MC a boy? Maybe give a little hint of this – man-to-man talks with his dad, something Tim does to him, etc.
This piece is really beautiful, Jare. You captured the child perfectly. *Gold star*
PM me for anything at all.
~JFW1415
Well, grammar has been pretty much saturated, so I will give my thoughts on the story...
I tell you what make this a really fun romance, personifying the dirt, giving it a pronoun--'he' or 'she'.
You took my advice! *shifty eyes*
This level of personification is effective but we have to ask if we can believe the story. For example, say how this jar of dirt can be looking up at you. How about it's the dirt's soggy patching lining into the shape of any eye, or the wind blowing it into a happy face? Whatever--you see what I mean?
I find it quite sad actually... the story too but mainly the fact that it was so cutified (?) and I can find nothing particuarly critical to say! Conclusion? I loved this, very entertaining story and I hope you write more, I think you could actually turn this into a fun children's story. One thing I might comment on, is making the dirt have more of a voice, telling us how it will all be OK.
Well, carry on writing!
Bubs --
I think this is more disturbing than "cute" or "sad." The prospect of a child going to a pile of dirt for emotional support is almost hard to read about.
"It’s my best friend because it’s mine."
This line tells a lot about how messed up the kid is -- and will be -- when it comes to relationships. It also could be a subtle nod to how his mom's relationships have been conducted.
The Teddy aspect of the story could stand to be expanded; it touches on the aspect of jealousy but never really comes to any conclusions or adds to the narrative in a significant way.
It's an interesting experimental piece. I think I'd have taken a more absurd direction with it, as opposed to your somber, unsettling take. When using a ridiculous premise, it is sometimes easier to force the reader to accept the absurdity for what it is by having the entire story follow a similar tone than it is to get them to swallow a realistic framework built on fantastic foundations.
Prokaryote
Well, this is an interesting concept. I like it though, it captured the imagination of a child going through tough times and finding friends that will listen. It's really short though, so I can't get into depth about your writing style and such. Are you planning on expending this? I wouldn't think that there's much this could expend into, but you never know.
I didn't catch any grammar mistakes, everything was spelled right. Good job, overall.
I loved the story, especially the whole dirt thing. I completly agree with Bitter. I saw that you'd posted from the homepage but for some reason didn't read it. I didn't expect it to be serious either. Anyway, good job.
-Always
First, I must say that I imagined I'd be rolling all over the floor and dying of laughter. It certainly was a surprise that the mood of the story was so... sad. But I think this actually works better. I like the way you took something that would have been totally ridiculous and made it suddenly more meaningful and serious. My heart instantly went out to the little... MC (gender unknown. Heh). It was so sad what this kid was going through and that the only people (things) it could ever talk about it to was the teddy and pile of dirt. It was a depressing story, but in a weird way kind of... uplifting? Two thumbs up.
Holly
Hey BBB!!
Awww this was a cute story. This was a good idea. Its refreshing to see another type of love because everyone is used to reading about two people who fall in love. I found it cute that Teddy was jealous of the MC and the dirt. Oh and it kind of made me think of Jack Sparrow because in the movie he was like 'I got a jar of dirt'...well anyways, this was a good story.
I love how you captured the essence of a kid who knew that their mother killed their father to be with this Tim guy. You showed that when someone has a secret that he couldn't share with anyone so he started hearing voices that didn't judge him for keeping his mother's secret....wait is that schizophrenia? Well anyways, the idea was great and I really enjoyed your characters.
As always,
Good Job and Keep writing,
Angel
is this really about dirt?
are you supposed to be a worm or something?
i'm sorry that i don't get it.
but it flows pretty well.
the dirt is suposed to be theraputic?
Can you say schitzophrenic????
It was cute I guess. The only spelling errors I found was at the top when you said between "TO" humans. It should be between "TWO" humans.
Awww... *goes all gooey*
When I first read that, I was like, Pile? Huh? What pile? Perhaps you should make it clearer first time round.
Conflict? Or is there meant to be a time gap somewhere in here?
First impression of that sentence was that the narrator found it funny in ha-ha kind of way. Different word?
Nix the first comma.
--
Cute. I could ramble on for ages about just how cute it was, but I'd probably end up saying something embarrassing, so I won't. Suffice to say, it was cute.