Please don't ask how I came up with this idea. You do not want to know. And, yes, this is probably crap right now, but it's for JFW1415's Side-Character's contest. I hope it's at least acceptable.
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She was digging for gold—in her nose.
It took me by surprise. My mouth hung open, and I could feel a laugh coming through my throat. I covered my mouth and nudged Karen, who was sitting next to me.
“What?” she whispered. I pointed, discreetly, to the woman.
Performing his last couple of acts upon the stage, the magician feebly waved his magic wand. His face was bright red, and he was muttering incantations.
All I could do was stare at the woman.
I could hear Karen giggling silently next to me. She bit her tongue to hold in the laughter. She was sitting around two other people--they were both shirking away from her. The gold digger didn't seem to notice.
I turned my attention back to the show. The room was full of people: Old men with canes and walkers, and young, fair ladies with children and babies. There were rich men with thick, pressed coats and middle class men with overalls.
And there was the woman digging for gold.
Karen silently laughed and I pinched her shoulder through my folded arms, holding back a smile.
“Just watch the show,” I whispered and tried to block the woman out of my peripheral vision. The magician waved his wand, muttering a strange spell.
His wand was very long. Black with white tips, it was waved back and forth falsely. I tried to focus in on the wand. It was luring me in—the magician’s voice rose and finally—
A dove shot out of a basket on the stage. The audience gasped and broke out into applause as the magician bowed and grinned. The gas lanterns brightly lit his red face.
“Oh!” Karen laughed and pointed to the woman. I rolled my eyes, but looked.
She pulled her finger out of her nose and ate it. She ate it!
I gasped and covered my mouth. Karen’s eyes widened. We both suddenly burst out laughing and men and woman glanced behind them to see what was going on.
I could feel the tears sliding out of my eyes as I laughed and giggled. The woman digging for gold looked at us and put her hand in her lap, acting as though she hadn’t done anything.
Focusing back on the magician, I saw that he had covered a box with a tablecloth. He explained:
“This box is empty, right now. Sir? Sir, you in the green hat? Will you please come up and verify that the box is empty?”
A fragile man in a green hat and wide eyes stumbled his way up towards the stage. The magician directed him to the box, and the man peered in it. He whispered something.
“Say that again, louder,” the magician commanded.
“There’s nothing in the box,” the man with the green hat muttered, and quickly sat back down, blushing furiously. I watched him tell his wife something (she was sitting next to him), and she put her arm around him.
“There is nothing in the box. Alright! Hocus Pocus, Alakazam!” The magician waved his wand and pointed it at the box. There was an instant silence in the room.
The magician bit his lip and cautiously glanced into the box. I could see the shocked look on his face.
He coughed and pulled back from the box, blushing. Something had gone wrong. I snickered, and glanced over my shoulder to look at Karen. She was giggling like mad, bright red in the face. Her eyes were watering.
“What’s so funny?” I whispered.
“The woman!”
I covered a smile with my hand again and looked back.
She ate another one.
I watched her do the whole process! First, she began by digging for gold, and then examining it, as if determining whether it was edible. And then she stuck her finger in her mouth and sucked on it. I wanted to vomit.
Karen couldn’t hold it in any longer. She burst out laughing and stood up. I flushed and looked away from her. Karen? Who’s she? I don’t know a Karen!
She, laughingly, left the auditorium. Every person in the theater was staring at her.
The magician was glad for the diversion. He quickly ran off of the stage to get away from his failure. The fox had not appeared in the box, and he hadn’t had a clue why.
The last thing I saw that night, before I left to go fetch Karen, was the woman. She had her finger up her nose, but was all out of gold.
What a shame.
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139,506 Literary Works • 672,594 Reviews
This story was okay. You got all the necessary details, and you were able to make me aware of all the action. But the trouble is, I just can't understand why it was so hysterical the a woman was picking her nose. Was it really necessary for the narrator and Karen to cause so much commotion? No. I'm not trying to be rude, it's just not that funny. But the story itself was a 2 out of 3. Keep up the good work!
The (Side Characters) contest has finally ended, and here is your critique!
Anyways, I think I'll explain how I am scoring this before I read further than the title. I have made a set of guidelines:
Following the rules: /50
The side character story: /20
The side character: /20
The main character(s): /20
Originality/Theme/Style: /10
Dialogue: /20
Personal opinion: /5
Technical details: /5
And you will get an overall score (then turned to a percentage) based on that. I will post the scores you got, and explain why for each category. That way you'll know what to improve on.
However, these scores will not be publicly visible. You may discuss them if you wish, but I am putting a password on them. I will PM you with the password, and you will all get different ones.
That way, only first through third place will be announced. For forth through seventh, you will know that you were one of them, but you won't know which one. I figured that would be a bit kinder.
Also, I prefer to put my overall and nit-picks in an attachment, so that is also there. I can only attach one file, so it has a password, too. I would just PM you the scores, but I know that many people will accidentally delete the PM and then not be able to get to the critique, and I don't want that. Saying that, PM me if you need me to tell you the password again. I will save all of them, and it's easier that way than saving the overalls and getting mixed up in that.
Warning Number One: I am planning on doing a very thorough critique, as this is a contest prize. Meaning a comment on every tiny little thing. (And the scores are all low.)
Warning Number Two: I am not going to read through all of your previous comments, so don't yell at me if I repeat things.
(To everyone else: Yes, I write this same thing for all my critiques in this contest. But I swear the attachments have a real, detailed critique. I just wanted to put something here so I'd get points for the hard work, but I hate converting stuff from Word to here, especially since I'll be so thorough as this is a contest prize. I hope that's okay?)
Best of luck!
~JFW1415
(Make sure to PM me for anything at all, and check out The Side Characters Contest Page for more information on the winners.)
LOL!
Great job on showing the emotions, too. I've had that happen to me where I can't stop laughing in a public place, and I could easily put myself into Karen and your MC's shoes. I also agree with 1dering at stars that it would be nice to tie the booger eater and why the magician's trick went wrong. I think that's all I have to say besides this was hilarious. I didn't find any mistakes, so great job!
That was very hilarious and unique! And of course this is acceptable, silly.
Hope you win!
~Mateeah
How utterly unnecessary.
I don't know, I'm not really a fan of stories that revolve around their "gross factor." When that's the sole purpose of the piece -- as opposed to character development, plot, or atmosphere -- it doesn't sit well with me.
Getting down to the details...
You have a good opening sentence, for obvious reasons.
That first comma can be axed.
How about discreetly?
"... as I laughed and giggled ...", perhaps?
Two glads in too tight a space.
And here you reveal the true story. I found myself much more interested in the magician (and his untimely failure) than the two giggling school kids. Why did he fail? How could he be so unprofessional and run off the stage? Tell me more about this man. He's the only bit of character development this story has. It baffles me that you focus attention on a slightly funny, but insignificant event (the woman picking her nose) and choose to ignore the real story waiting in the wings.
I will say that I very much like your writing style; it works well for this type of story -- simplistic and not too bogged down by details.
Prokaryote
HA! HA! HA!
but I am so glad I read this. This was hilarious. I mean I love Karen because she kept laughing and the MC was really believable. But I can't believe that that woman was eating her boogers. Ok ok, I stopped laughing. All in all, this was great. I don't know what the contest criteria is but I think you'll win. This was so true to life because the emotions were so real. The title is what really caught my attention but don't think I expected this. Bravo!!
Hey BBB!
I haven't read any work from you in a while
Angel
Once again, another brilliant story. This kept me so engaged the whole time that I forget to look for mistakes.....
Scanning back over, I can't even find any! I know this isn't a very helpful review..... um lets see....
One thing I would like to know is what happened with the magician's trick. I think it would be nice if you tied that in with the 'gold digger' and maybe make her the reason his trick went wrong. Although the characters in the story wouldn't have to know that, it would be nice to give the readers a hint to that happening.
Well anyway, you sure know how to make people laugh, and grammar and spelling are perfect.
Wow! I like your unique story. I don't know if I've ever read something about nose-picking before haha. Bravo on a good story. Your writing style is very good. You really have a very descriptive voice. I was eating my breakfast while I read this and I had to stop haha. There were only a couple little picky things I noticed at all:
You don't need the word "up" in there.
That sentence sounds a little weird and has potential to be much more. Instead of saying laughingly, say she left laughing. Or get even more descriptive and say that she left the auditorium on the verge of tears...yadda yadda yadda haha.
Overall I thought your story to be very good though. Keep it up!