5 Stories for Cal's Ship Contest

So with NaNoWriMo over, I'm back to my critique list! I don't know if you're still wanting comments on this but hey, a critique never hurts. If nothing else, it may aid you with future writing.

026. Lurk

I clutched Andrew’s arms, digging my fingernails into his rough skin. [This isn't the most captivating first line. I think you need something a little more powerful. Also, I think arms should be singular. It's much easier to cling to one. Two would be a bit awkward... Maybe 'I clung to Andrew's arm, my fingernails leaving bloody, crescent moon cuts in his flesh.']

“No,” I whispered. “Don’t do it! You’re going to get us both killed!”

There was just enough light in the tiny room for me to [s]get[/s] [Maybe steal or catch or just something that flows a little better.] a glance at his beautiful face [s]once more[/s], and I could see into his empty eye socket. I grimaced, [s]remembing[/s] remembering when the hijackers had scraped Andrew’s right eye out. There was still dried blood on his filthy face. [This part is a little plain/ awkward. Possibly something like 'I grimaced, recalling the sickening plop as Andrew's right eye landed on the floor. After they scraped it out. His face was still filthy, a mingle of crusted tears and blood smothering the socket.']

“Christine, we need to get off of this ship,” he whispered. I tugged at his arm again, pleading with him as quietly as I could.

“Shush! If they hear us, we’re already dead! Let go of me. You need to trust me, Christine. I’ve been the captain on this ship for longer than you’ve been alive. I know every nook and cranny. You have to trust me!” [He's telling her to shush and yet, by your exclamation marks, it seems he's shouting...]

I shook my head. “No! No! I need you! I love you! Please don’t do this. Please.” I pressed myself against his chest. There was a musky scent originating from it. It reminded me sickly of blood. [Mmmm. The short sentences are a little choppy. Maybe combine the first two?]

“I love you too. And if we want to escape from this ship, then you have to trust me. I know what I’m doing. The four fools attempting to take the ship will be dead within five minutes. Trust me. I know exactly what I’m going to do.” [He's too precise. For people in life threatening circumstances, he's too willing to splutter knowledge at us. Concentrate more on making this realistic tan understandable. It doesn't matter if we know how many people are trying to take the ship, as long as your reader gets the feeling that these two are cornered on a ship, that's enough.]

He pushed me [s]off him[/s] away and started towards the locked door. I pleaded with him once again, but he didn’t turn around. His face was stern and unchanging as he fumbled with the lock. [And how can she see it if he didn't turn around?] I had given him a bit of wire from my bracelet for him to use. [Yucky telling sentence. This could be neatened up very easily. Maybe 'He used a strip of wire from my bracelet, twisting it with clumsy hands.'] I cracked my fingers anxiously. He jammed the wire into the locked door and twiddled with it. [He's already fumbled with the lock, that suggests the wire is already in there...] Without warning, his hands [s]shot[/s] sprung up into the air and he spun around with his finger to his lips. I gasped.

The men were right outside of our door. As they spoke, I could hear their heavy Australian accents.

“D’you think they’re asleep?”

“It doesn’t matter. They won’t have enough time to register what’s happening. Dan, gimme the pistol.”

My face drained of all color. [There's a better way to show fear, clammy hands, fast heart beat, tense muscles. When I'm afraid, it is those I recognise rather than the colour in my face. That is one to recognise in others...]

“Captain Mackey, I don’t think this is such a great idea.” The man's voice trembled as he said this.

“Give me the damn pistol, or I’ll kill you.” [Says the guy without a pistol, huh? And why does the captain have no pistol? Try not to complicate a situation where it's not necessary...]

There was a fumble outside of the door. I locked my eyes on Andrew. He was quaking but never muttered a word.

“Sir, should we kill him first or take the girl?” It was a voice [s]they[/s] I hadn't heard before.

“Shoot the man first. I want the woman to see that we ain’t jesting around. She has the diamond. We need her alive. Jacob, don’t let her out of your sight once we have her.”

“Aye, sir!”

“Alright.”

One of the men stuck a key through the door lock, and Andrew clamped his hand over the knob.

“No!” he roared as the door shot open. He was thrown backwards, and the four pirates entered the room, the moonlight shining behind them.

038. Chess

Check.

A cannonball was sent spiraling [Should be spiralling.] through the watery battlefield and plummeted into the side of the enemy’s ship. Splinters flew into the air like a child splashing into a pool of water. [I can see what image you're aiming at but I don't think it quite works... The hit was a low shot ▬ low enough to cause the boat to spring a leak. Men could be seen tumbling from the ropes and masts into the deep depths of the ocean. [Just one leak? How big is this leak? Should there not be time to salvage or at least to get the row boats out? If there's other leaks, you need to say so...]

There were three large ships, each prepared with dozens of cannons on each side. The sky became so full of black soot that it was nearly impossible to see the other ships. [This needs to be more detailed. Where are they in context with the sinking ship? Are they lined against it? And how many are at the sinking ship's side?]

The King moves.

“Don’t let him get away! Don’t let the bloody ship get away!” Captain Thylilas roared, pointing toward the fleeing ship. “Send the bloody bastard into the waters!” [Good dialogue.]

The Odessa creaked and tottered as it sailed hastily in pursuit of the ship. Capt. Thylilas was at the wheel. His face was distorted in anger. Rage built up in his heart until he was almost ready to—

“Sir! Look! Behind you!” [For someone who's shouting a warning, there's too many pauses. It should be 'Sir, look! Behind you!'] a man shouted from on deck. Capt. Thylilas [s]swiveled[/s] swivelled around and glanced backwards. [I know what you mean but for a moment I thought he turned around and then glanced back, like in the direction he was just facing a moment ago XD] His allying ship, the Victoria, was sinking quickly. He could hear [Comma here.] “Abandon ship!”. [You're over using short sentences, dear. As great as they are for scenes of action they start to lose their impact after a while. You need some contrast.]

Capt. Thylilas swore as loud as he could. [Too many words. 'Captain Thylias swore loudly' is just as effective and flows more smoothly. If you really want to emphasise it, use a metaphor or simile.] He turned around and bit his lip. He’d have to forget about that ship for now. He needed to sink the Wave Runner, the fleeing ship.

The Queen makes her last move.

Despite her many injuries, The Odessa hurtled through the waters. The wind current was on her side today. She sailed mightily towards the Wave Runner. Capt. Thylilas roared, “Fire!” when he was parallel to it. The Odessa’s cannons shot, and the Wave Runner’s shot back. More splinters, more anguish, and more death. Capt. Thylilas hadn’t thought he had seen such a messy combat. [The reader will feel distant to this. I don't know if that's what you're going for but it's all just too abrupt or the reader to really feel involved.]

“Fire everything! If we have to send boots and gloves through those cannons, by God we will!” he roared to his leading commander. Commander Peterson nodded back.

“Aye, aye, sir!” He saluted and ran down the deck.

Capt. Thylilas’ heart was racing as the last of the cannons were shot. The Wave Runner wasn’t depleted just yet. He felt the Odessa lurch underneath his feet, and he stumbled as he regained his composure.

He saw, out of the corner of his eye, a man next to him.

“What?” the captain demanded.

“Sir, we’re sinking. The Wave Runner is too powerful. I fear that we’ll have to abandon—”

“No! Don’t say it. I’ve never sailed a ship that’s sunk. I’m not about to make this voyage any different.” The captain turned to look at the man. The captain had red hair that stood out in puffs beneath his sailor’s cap. [That's a rather random piece of description dropped in. If you're writing that he turns to face the other man, really you should describe the other man if either. Tell us about the captain's hair at a more appropriate time.]

“Look!” Capt. Thylilas shouted, pointing over to the enemy ship. The man spun around and gasped.

A fire was burning on deck, swallowing the entire ship. The flames gave off smoke that blackened the sky, leaving nothing but crumbling ash beneath its hungry mass.

“We’ve done it!” the man shouted and turned back to the captain. He smiled his crooked smile.

Checkmate.

001. Evidence

I don’t remember exactly how Mr. Todd ever came by me. I was an orphan, you see.

Living on the streets of Rue L’chair, Toulon, France. [This sentence is a little fragmented when used for the first of a paragraph. I'd suggest moving it up to follow your first.] I met him (but never lived with him) when I was eleven years old. I was at the map shop. I’ve always had a fascination with maps, [This needs to be a semi colon really.] countries and oceans, you see. I wanted to be a cartographer, like Mr. Todd was. Mr. Todd saw me staring a map through a window (‘scum like me’, says Monsieur Lébrah, aren’t allowed in his map store). He asked if I could read it; I lied and said I could. He said he needed me on a big journey to find a box full of treasure. I hastily agreed.

Later that week, I found myself aboard his small ship sailing the Atlantic Ocean. For months, he taught me how to read maps after he learned I lied to him. At first I was frightened that he might cast me into the ocean, but the Christian allowed me to stay aboard. He was such a pleasant man. He taught me how to read maps, and I even attempted to draw them. [I like the repetition you have, it's very good. You write a child persona well and it creates a good sense of foreboding that there was something awful about Mr. Todd.]

“Mr. Todd,” I asked one night, after months of [s]traveling[/s] travelling on the sea. “Where is this treasure that you seek?”

“You will see, son. You will see,” was his reply every time I asked him. It always left me feeling mysterious, and maybe even a little under appreciated. If Mr. Todd didn’t trust me with the location of the treasure, then how could I trust him?

One day, I had awakened from my slumber to find Mr. Todd standing over my bed.

“Oh! Mr. Todd, I’m sorry. I must’ve slept in an hour too long!” I muttered, rubbing the sleep from my eyes.

“No, no, in fact, you’re awake a bit early. The sun has just barely sprinkled over the horizon. I want to show you something, Marius. Something very special.”

I hurriedly clambered out of bed and followed him through the ship, up onto the deck. I shivered and wrapped my arms around myself. The pale, pink sun glimmered over the water like a million tiny jewels.

“Marius, there’s something I’ve wanted to show you for a long time. We’ve become close friends, you know, and I can’t help but think about it every day I look at you grow. You’ve practically gained a foot since I picked you up from Toulon.”

I grinned cheekily.

“I’ve been lying to you, all this time. I’m so sorry, Marius. I didn’t know what to do when I first saw you at the map store. I knew you were the boy I was looking for.” I was puzzled, and stared into his eyes.

“You have your mother’s face, you know.”

My mouth dropped open. I was speechless.

“How—” I began. “How do you know my mother?”

“We were never married, you have to understand. We were young, idiotic and in love. When your mother died in childbirth, they’d told me you’d gone with her. I didn’t have any family left to turn to, so I sailed into the sea. For eleven years, Marius, I sailed this sea, hopelessly lost without your mother.”

“You’re my father?” I asked, stunned. He slowly nodded.

“I hadn’t expected to see you, of course, alive. But I saw your mother looking through that window. She was in your face. She was in your heart.” With his pointer finger, Mr. Todd touched my heart. “I knew that if I had you, I had her. I love you, Marius. I do. More than anything. You are my light in the darkness. You are her, in a sense.”

“Oh,” I whispered. I looked up into his eyes and saw that he was crying. I couldn’t hold it in any longer too. We embraced and cried in each other’s arms, with the pink, rising sun in the background. [The ending is a little bit of a let down... I was sort of hoping for some huge secret to be revealed, that this man were a smuggler or a pirate. You know?]

02. Red

The ocean water was red.

We sat in silence as we watched the first body float past us. Then a second. Even a third.

“What happened?” Liza asked. I didn’t answer; I only listened to the sickening thud as each corpse slammed into the side of our small sailing boat.

“Daddy? Why are all of these people floating in the water?” she asked. I turned to my four year old daughter and said:

“Do you remember when Momma died?”

Her innocent smile washed away like rain. [She was smiling? Uh... think again!] She rubbed her eyes.

“Remember when we had to throw her body into the ocean because she was sick? If we had buried her in the ground, the sickness would’ve spread through the earth and made a million other people sick.”

“So all of these people were sick?” she asked.

I sighed and tried to explain. “It was before you were born, sweetie. You can’t remember anything. There were bad people that were disguised as good people. These people put bad things into the air that made it hard for us to breathe. Soon, there was a big sickness that swept all through the world. We had you get a shot in your arm when you were born, so you are immune to it.”

“What does immune mean?” she asked.

“It means that you won’t ever end up in the ocean, like Mommy.”

“Why wasn’t she immune?”

“Because grown-ups can’t take the shot, or they will get sick with another sickness called cancer. And that kills us even faster.” Explaining it to her was harder than I thought.

“Oh,” she muttered, and leaned over the edge of the boat.

“Sweetie, please come away from the edge. I don’t want you looking at—”

“What happened to that guy’s face?” Liza shrieked. I ran over to her and flung her away from the railing.

“Liza! When I tell you to get away, I mean it!” Her eyes were bulging in terror.

“What happened to that man’s face? It was all red and puffy!”

“That’s what happens when grown-ups try to get immune with that shot. Now, when I tell you to do something, do it with no questions asked, okay? You can get hurt.”

“How? They’re dead!”

“Not all of them.”

028. Crate

“You can’t be pregnant! It’s not possible!”

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I don’t know what to do! The baby is three months on its way already. There’s nothing we can do but wait.”

“Wait for what? Another man’s baby to come into this world? I think not!”

“Bill, you can’t leave me. Please. Not while I’m like this! Please!”

“We’re engaged, Lorraine!”

“I know! I’m so sorry! I was drunk and stupid!”

“I can’t believe you’d do something like this!”

“Me either! I’m sorry, Bill. I truly am.” [I don't like sections of sole dialogue, particularly not at the beginning of a piece. There's nothing to visualise, there's only voices and it's just not the same. It's no way to introduce your characters: give us a little action at least.]

Lorraine was asleep in her bed. Bill took the crate in one hand and the naked infant in the other. It was crying and yelling and screaming and pissing all over the place. Blood was still dripping off of it.

Yes, Bill recognized It was a male, but It was still an it, no matter what. And soon it would be dead.

It was six months after the startling news. The baby had been born. Bill had refused to take her to the hospital. Instead, he loaded her on his boat while she was in [s]labor[/s] labour and [s]snunk[/s] snuck out into the sea, despite her protests. [I'm not sure about 'into the sea', maybe across or over?][color]

Taking the infant by the head, he opened the crate and lowered the baby into it. Its curly black hair had just begun to sprout and it hadn't opened his eyes yet

As Bill shut and locked the crate, the baby's cry worsened. Grimacing, he picked up the crate.

He heaved it into the ocean.

Later, while Lorraine was still asleep, Bill sat next to her, ready to tell her that the baby had been a stillborn. While he sat, his eyes absent mindly [color=red][Either absent mindedly or absently.] landed on a piece of paper lying by Lorraine’s jeans. Curious, he walked over and picked it up. He unfolded it and smoothed out its wrinkles.

Bill, I never told you how much I love you. I’m sorry for not telling you earlier. I didn’t think you were ready to hear it.

We were both drunk that night. Terribly drunk. I distinctively remember crawling into bed with you. I was scared because I knew you wanted to stay a virgin until our marriage night.

I’m sorry for not telling you. As I’ve said, I didn’t think you were ready. I’m naming the baby after his father:

Bill Coswell.

-Lorraine [Nice twist.]

Story #1:

I like the first line. It grabs the attention.

“for me to get a glance at his beautiful face once more” The ‘once more’ doesn’t work for me. It sounds too final for the beginning of the story, as though you should have mentioned her seeing it before, but this is the first time. I’d change the phrasing.

“Shush! If they hear us, we’re already dead! Let go of me. You need to trust me, Christine. I’ve been the captain on this ship for longer than you’ve been alive. I know every nook and cranny. You have to trust me!” It’d sound better if you connected a sentence or two here, read more smoothly. You have a whole bunch of pretty short sentences that you could blend.

One thing that struck me as I was reading this, around the 6’th paragraph as they’re talking to each other, right around that point their talk starts to sound slightly unrealistic. It sounds like you’re writing to the audience. For instance, “the 4 fools trying to take the ship”, that sentence especially. It sounds very much like it’s for our benefit alone. I think the emotions could use a bit of touch up as well; a little less declarative, a little more… urgent, if you know what I mean. Just very slight changes in punctuation, sentence structure, the length of the sentences would change a lot. The words don’t necessarily have to change.

“I pleaded with him once again, but he didn’t turn around.” I’d find another way to put the pleading part, since you already phrased it that way.

In paragraph 8 you again have a lot of short sentences. Again, I’d probably combine a couple of those.

“Captain Mackey, I don’t think this is such a great idea.” The man's voice trembled as he said this.
Haven’t these pirates ever killed before? Didn’t they claw out the man’s eye a little while ago? His hesitancy seems a tad unrealistic.

The rest, all good as I see it. The others had some very good points also.


Story #2:
This was the one you wanted concentrated on most, right? So.

The word combined with the ship concept is a tad obvious, but then again, the majority of readers could only take it at face value knowing nothing about any contest, so, no real problem. Much better than if you’d chosen to have them play chess anyway.

“A cannonball was sent spiraling through the watery battlefield and plummeted into the side of the enemy’s ship.” When I first read this sentence I missed the word “enemy’s” so I was going to say, “Which ship? Who’s” But now I actually wonder if it wouldn’t be more effective to leave it out. Since it’s the very beginning, you have plenty of time to add more details later.

“There were three large ships, each prepared with dozen of cannons on each side. The sky became so full of black soot that it was nearly impossible to see the other ships.” Here’s where I think you need more details. You tell us there’s three ships, but who’s pitted against who? Do they have two ships, or the enemy? Or maybe there are 2 enemy ships, fight against one another also.

“Captain Thylilas roared, pointing toward the fleeing ship.” Eh, the pointing, I don’t think so. I’m sure he has better things with which to occupy his hands, and… it just doesn’t sound right in that situation. The ships right in front of them.

“Capt. Thylilas was at the wheel. His face was distorted in anger.” Another case where I’d combine sentences.

“Capt. Thylilas swore as loud as he could.” Loudly. What? I feel like being persnickety.

“He needed to sink the Wave Runner, the fleeing ship.” That’s just stating the obvious. And you’ve already said it too. You might put it something like, “He needed to concentrate his attention on the Wave Runner” or something like that.

“The Queen makes her last move.”
Is that meant to sound self-sacrificing? That’s how it struck me, and somehow it didn’t sound right. Somehow I thought it should be more aggressive, like “The Queen moves in for the kill,” or something. Also, it is pretty close to wording of the last one “The King moves”; you just added a few words. Just a thought; no biggy if it’s left as is.

“The wind current was on her side today.” It’s wind or current. Not that I know what I’m talking about, but *shrugs*

“More splinters, more anguish, and more death.” That’s the first time you mentioned anything of the kind. I think you could just a little bit more description. You pretty much focus all on the captain, and the ships, as the chess game. All the sudden you’ve this gory picture, but one you never expound on.
“If we have to send boots and gloves through those cannons, by God we will!” First mention of ammunition shortages as well. How does he automatically know? Not to mention, unfortunate though it is, I have a feeling everyone’s mind will jump to POTC when you talk about loading with other things.

“he roared to his leading commander. Commander Peterson nodded back.” I don’t think we need another character introduced by name, especially when he’s only mentioned once. Even to have his own sentence… I think something as simple as “to his leading commander, who nodded back” would work very well.

“The captain had red hair that stood out in puffs beneath his sailor’s cap.” That’s a bit too random, don’t you think? You’ve had no description of looks up ‘til now, and at this part in particular it seems pretty meaningless. And especially when you precede it with “The captain turned to look at the man.” From that I’d have expected a description of the man. If you need the description of the captain, I’d at least change it to “The man turned to look at the captain,” something of that kind. I don’t think you need it though.

“Look!” Capt. Thylilas shouted, pointing over to the enemy ship. The man spun around and gasped.” The second sentence is unnecessary, I think. He’s only ever just a man. I’d be more interested in further description of the Captain’s reaction.

“We’ve done it!” the man shouted and turned back to the captain. He smiled his crooked smile.” If you’re going to bring this guy in so much, I might give him a name instead of that Commander person, or maybe just make him that commander person. You could even just make it ‘he shouted.’ That’d work alright. Or you could just take out the first part of this line also. It’d be no big loss.

Generally, it’s as good as the storyline you picked, and it’s one pretty good storyline. Even though I really loved the ending of the first story, I think I actually like this one better. It does better being more complete than the first. Good job!


Story #3:

Two words for you: Mr. Todd
You’re awesome.

“I don’t remember exactly how Mr. Todd ever came by me.” This is your very first sentence, but immediately after making that statement you go on to describe in some detail exactly how Mr. Todd came by him.

For a second I was bit skeptical, but I actually like the idea of this man being confident enough to pick up a random boy off the streets. That man has to be very good at what he does… assuming of course that whatever it is he does includes keeping young boys from squealing at the glimpse of a single coin.

“For months, he taught me how to read maps after he learned I lied to him.” I think having him lie at all is a waste of time in such a short story, considering it has no lasting significance whatsoever. Better just have him admit the truth and have Mr. Todd take him anyway.

“He taught me how to read maps” You said that only a couple of sentences ago. At least don’t make it such a statement. Something more like, “As well as learning to read maps, I also…”
Also, I’d put this sentence after the one where you first mention him learning to read maps, maybe even combine them, rather than having that sentence about throwing him overboard, and then coming back to the original point of the paragraph.

“Mr. Todd,” I asked one night, after months of traveling on the sea. “Where is this treasure that you seek?”
“You will see, son. You will see,” was his reply every time I asked him. The problem with this is that you start out making it sound as though this is the first time he’s asked, but then you mention all the other times he’s asked. I’d say instead that this was his reply every time he asked him after this.

“under appreciated” under-appreciated

“If Mr. Todd didn’t trust me with the location of the treasure, then how could I trust him?” He’s never been the least suspicious before. It seems a slight thing to make him hostile over. He’s the one who got randomly plucked off the streets.

“One day, I had awakened” That’s a change in tense. “One day I awoke” instead.

“The sun has just barely sprinkled over the horizon.” That’s all very well and good for narrative descriptions, but it hardly sounds like your everyday language.

“I want to show you something, Marius.” I’d recommend mentioning his name earlier, or in a less offhand fashion. You didn’t waste any time with Mr. Todd’s… of course, his is a rather exceptional name;) but I promise not to clutter up the review with any more of that.

You’ve practically gained a foot since I picked you up from Toulon.” I’d make some earlier mention of exactly how long they’re taking at sea. This mention happens a bit too abruptly.

To be honest, I predicted the end right at the point where you describe the sun on the water, but that’s perfectly alright. The rest of it, the ending was fantastic. No corrections there. It could easily have come off as cheesy or cliché, but you pulled it off very well.

Oh, actually just one small thing: “I couldn’t hold it in any longer too.” I couldn’t hold it in any longer either.


Story #4

Best story so far, definitely. Very affecting, and effective.
Just one small suggestion. I might make her a year or two older. It didn’t strike me as unrealistic, the way she talked, but if you really think about her age, it’s not quite right.

Very good job on this one.


Story #5:

Just a couple little things on this one. This too is one of the better ones I think.

“Me either!” Neither

“Yes, Bill recognized It was a male, but It was still an it, no matter what. And soon it would be dead.” Capitalize It, or don’t capitalize it, but be consistent.

“and snunk out into the sea” Snuck

“Its curly black hair had just begun to sprout and it hadn't opened his eyes” Again a matter of consistency. Use ‘it’ or ‘him’. And you need a period.

“While he sat, his eyes absent mindly landed on a piece of paper lying by Lorraine’s jeans.” Absentmindedly.

“As I’ve said, I didn’t think you were ready.” ‘As I said.’ ‘I’ve’ makes it sound like this is something she’s told him outside of this note.

I like the story of this one better than the Red one. I’m hard put to say which one was better written, they were both excellent. But this was a very powerful story, especially for one so short… *shudders* it’s terrible, but ingenious plot.


Awesome job JareBaer! And good luck with the contest.

Okay! So, I decided the best idea would be to go through this one flash piece at a time, aye. I think you might hate me by the end, though. From the first then:

Jared wrote:026. Lurk

I clutched Andrew’s arms, digging my fingernails into his rough skin.

“No,” I whispered. “Don’t do it! You’re going to get us both killed!”

There was just enough light in the tiny room for me to get a glance at his beautiful face once more, and I could see into his empty eye socket. I grimaced, remembing “remembering” when the hijackers had scraped Andrew’s right eye out. The repetition here is grating, I’d not use his name twice so close together. There was still dried blood on his filthy face.

“Christine, we need to get off of this ship,” he whispered. I tugged at his arm again, pleading with him as quietly as I could.

“Shush! If they hear us, we’re already dead! Let go of me. You need to trust me, Christine. I’ve been the captain on this ship for longer than you’ve been alive. I know every nook and cranny. You have to trust me!” Dude, how old is he?! Are they together? It feels like they’re together. That’s really ick. Is he her father? In any case it feels very… um… weird? Not right, certainly.
I shook my head. “No! No! I need you! I love you! Please don’t do this. Please.” I pressed myself against his chest. There was a musky scent originating from it. This is where it feels weird. Scents are terribly… seductive? Things sometimes, it feels like they’re lovers. I would also suggest a re-arrangement of words/lines here. I’d personally suggest something like “I pressed myself against the musky scent of his chest; the sickly smell reminded me of blood.” But you can do what you wish. ^^ I’d still alter it. It reminded me sickly of blood.

“I love you too. And if we want to escape from this ship, then you have to trust me. I know what I’m doing. The four fools attempting to take the ship will be dead within five minutes. Trust me. I know exactly what I’m going to do.” This is an odd stance to take, considering those fools took one of his eyes. Does that hurt, by the way? Does she remember how he screamed in pain, how the slippery red of the blood drenched his shirt, how it was the colour of the sky when dawn arrived? You have a huge area for description here, for emotions and actions, but you’re not taking it, not as well as I’d like, anyway. I think you can do better with your foundations. Be creative and have fun with it. Back on the stance he’s taking, if it’s just for her benefit, and she’s not an idiot, she’d know, and I’d have her mentioning this.

He pushed me off him you don’t need the “him” here. and started towards the locked door. I pleaded with him once again, This is a great place to mention that disbelief, I’d have the plea in words, not as a mention, if that makes sense? Have her speak, with speech marks and stuff. but he didn’t turn around. His face was stern and unchanging as he fumbled with the lock. If he’s turned around how can she see his face? I’m curious about that, did she move to the side, perhaps hook her finger in his belt loop and follow? I had given him a bit of wire from my bracelet for him you don’t need the “for him” here. to use. I cracked my fingers anxiously. Ew. Nice description. He jammed the wire into the locked door No, he didn’t, he jammed it into the lock. Don’t stress about the repetition I don’t think. If you are seriously worried about it, I’d alter the other line to say “his face…fumbled in the dark” instead. and twiddled with it. Without warning, his hands shot up into the air and he spun around with his finger to his lips. I gasped. Did she only gasp? I feel like she’d also step back or move back or something, hands flung to her mouth to cover the sound?

The men were right outside of our door. As they spoke, I could hear their heavy Australian accent. hehehe, I’ll get to this one at the end. ^^

“D’you think they’re asleep?” I was going to leave all the Aussie language to the end, but this in particular stood out. I don’t know how to say “D’you” as a conjunction, you know? As far as I know, it’ll turn out like “do you” no matter how you try and say that because they’re both straight consonants. Try saying it, is it hard? Maybe I’m wrong, but it feels awkward.

“It doesn’t matter. They won’t have enough time to register what’s happening. Dan, gimme the pistol.” I think I’d like to see “gun” instead of “pistol” here, but that’s more aesthetics than anything else, the alliteration sounds nice.
My face drained of all color.

“Captain Mackey, I don’t think this is such a great idea.” The man's voice trembled as he said this. You don’t need “as he said this” at all. I’d delete it.

“Give me the damn pistol, or I’ll kill you.”

There was a fumble outside of the door. I locked my eyes on Andrew. He was quaking but never muttered a word. “quaking” feels really odd here, it might just be because I’m unused to the word, though.

“Sir, should we kill him first or take the girl?” It was a voice they hadn't heard before. Are you sure he hasn’t heard it before? We don’t know if she’d know that or not, I’d suggest using the “I’d” instead.

“Shoot the man first. I want the woman to see that we ain’t jesting around. She has the diamond. We need her alive. Jacob, don’t let her out of your sight once we have her.” hehe, “jesting” again, maybe this is because I’m not used to it, but that’s a hilarious word to say, ne?

“Aye, sir!”

“Alright.”

One of the men stuck a key through the door lock, and Andrew clamped his hand over the knob.

“No!” he roared as the door shot open. He was thrown backwards, and the four pirates entered the room, the moonlight shining behind them.

038. Chess

Check.

A cannonball was sent spiraling through the watery battlefield and plummeted into the side of the enemy’s ship. Splinters flew into the air like a child splashing into a pool of water. I’m not sure about this imagery. It works as a comparison of the ease with which the weaponry is damaging the ship, but juxtaposes the event itself, becomes almost comical, think about it. Don’t necessarily change it unless the intention doesn’t meet the interpretation. The hit was a low shot ▬ low enough to cause the boat to spring a leak. Men could be seen tumbling from the ropes and masts into the deep depths of the ocean. That happened quickly, are they even going to try to repair their vessel? If not, why not?

There were three large ships, each prepared with dozen of cannons on each side. Whoa, that is a big ship. xD Awesome! The sky became so full of black soot that it was nearly impossible to see the other ships. I think there might be better ways to say this line, but I kind of like it how it is. Interesting. ^^ Keep it the same if you like, if not, thinking about making it a little more concise, if you can.

The King moves.

“Don’t let him get away! Don’t let the bloody ship get away!” Captain Thylilas roared, pointing toward the fleeing ship. “Send the bloody bastard into the waters!” Is the fleeing ship the same ship that sprung the leak, or a different one? I assume it’s the same, in that case, never mind.
The Odessa creaked and tottered as it sailed hastily in pursuit of the ship. Capt. Thylilas was at the wheel. His face was distorted in anger. Rage built up in his heart until he was almost ready to—

“Sir! Look! Behind you!” a man shouted from on deck. Capt. Thylilas swiveled around and glanced backwards. You don’t need the “and glanced backward” at all. ^^ His allying ship, the Victoria, was sinking quickly. He could hear “Abandon ship!”. I’d like to know what kind of voices called that out, are they clear, scared, panicked, lots of them, or only a few? Just one or two words of description there.

Capt. Thylilas swore as loud as he could. He turned around and bit his lip. He’d have to forget about that ship for now. He needed to sink the Wave Runner, the fleeing ship.
The Queen makes her last move.

Despite her many injuries, The Odessa hurtled through the waters. The wind current No need for “current” here. was on her side today. She sailed mightily towards the Wave Runner. Capt. Thylilas roared, “Fire!” when he was parallel to it. I think you should re-arrange this line so it’s “when parallel to it, Capt…” but that’s personal opinion again. The Odessa’s cannons shot, and the Wave Runner’s shot back. More splinters, more anguish, and more death.
Capt. Thylilas hadn’t thought he had seen such a messy combat. This “thought” doesn’t feel like it’s ended as yet, it feels like there’s more to it? Maybe “in his life” or “for a long time” both of which are cliché to a degree but get your point across and end the line.

“Fire everything! If we have to send boots and gloves through those cannons, by God we will!” he roared to his leading commander. Commander Peterson nodded back. He’s roaring (I almost wrote “rawring” then ) a lot, isn’t he?

“Aye, aye, sir!” He saluted and ran down the deck. This makes the other line redundant have “Commander Peterson saluted…” and delete that last line.

Capt. Thylilas’ heart was racing as the last of the cannons were shot. The Wave Runner wasn’t depleted just yet. He felt the Odessa lurch underneath his feet, and he stumbled as he regained his composure.

He saw, out of the corner of his eye, a man next to him.

“What?” the captain demanded.

“Sir, we’re sinking. The Wave Runner is too powerful. I fear that we’ll have to abandon—”

“No! Don’t say it. I’ve never sailed a ship that’s sunk. I’m not about to make this voyage any different.” The captain turned to look at the man. The captain had red hair that stood out in puffs beneath his sailor’s cap. Repetition of “the captain” here is a little jarring. I’d change the first use to “he” leave the second.

“Look!” Capt. Thylilas shouted, pointing over to the enemy ship. The man spun around and gasped.

A fire was burning on deck, swallowing the entire ship. The flames gave off smoke that blackened the sky, leaving nothing but crumbling ash beneath its hungry mass. There was already black in the sky. I think you might like to describe how the fire was visible through that black instead of how it added to it (or maybe a combination of both?) As it is, it sounds like the darkness is new.

“We’ve done it!” the man shouted and turned back to the captain. He smiled his crooked smile. The “he” here is ambiguous. Might I suggest a rearrangement of the lines? Something like “The man turned back to the captain whose smile was crooked again.”? Well, something better than that, but you get the idea. xD
Checkmate.

001. Evidence

I don’t remember exactly how Mr. Todd ever came by me. I was an orphan, you see. I’d put this second line down with the paragraph. The first would be awesome on it’s own.
Living on the streets of Rue L’chair, in Toulon, France. I met him (but never lived with him) That feels like an odd admission. I had not assumed he did live with him? I just found that odd, you don’t need to change that if you don’t wish at all, there’s nothing actually wrong with it. when I was eleven years old. I was at the map shop. I’ve always had a fascination with maps, countries and oceans, you see. I wanted to be a cartographer, like Mr. Todd was. Mr. Todd saw me staring a map through a window (‘scum like me’, says Monsieur Lébrah, aren’t allowed in his map store) Perfect! Perfect in the parenthesis! Well done on that line, I love it . He asked if I could read it; I lied and said I could. He said he needed me on a big journey to find a box full of treasure. I hastily agreed. Interesting, there isn’t much description here, which is okay, but it means everything is moving really too quickly. Why would he want the kid on the journey? That felt like too much fate for my own liking, but that might just be me. I’d prefer if there were something about how he questioned him, how he waited – or couldn’t wait because his last boy ran or maybe he refused to explain, OR! Maybe the boy was just so eager that he didn’t even question it. Or something?

Later that week, I found myself aboard his small ship sailing the Atlantic Ocean. For months, he taught me how to read maps after he learned I lied to him. Rearrangement? I think you’d do better with something like “after he learned I had lied, he taught me how to read the maps” – you mention the months later, and I like that reference better there, so I’d remove the mention of months here. At first I was frightened that he might cast me into the ocean, but the Christian allowed me to stay aboard. He was such a pleasant man. He taught me how to read maps, and I even attempted to draw them.

“Mr. Todd,” I asked one night, after months of traveling on the sea. “Where is this treasure that you seek?” That’s really refined speech for a street urchin, maybe pleb it up a little? “Where’s the treasure you’re looking for?”

“You will see, son. You will see,” was his reply every time I asked him. It always left me feeling mysterious, and maybe even a little under appreciated. If Mr. Todd didn’t trust me with the location of the treasure, then how could I trust him?

One day, I had awakened from my slumber to find Mr. Todd standing over my bed.

“Oh! Mr. Todd, I’m sorry. I must’ve slept in an hour too long!” I muttered, rubbing the sleep from my eyes.

“No, no, in fact, you’re awake a bit early. The sun has just barely sprinkled over the horizon. I want to show you something, Marius. Something very special.”

How ominous does this whole thing feel? xD The atmosphere is good here. A little bit… stilted with the language, but still good.

I hurriedly clambered out of bed and followed him through the ship, up onto the deck. I shivered and wrapped my arms around myself. The pale, pink sun glimmered over the water like a million tiny jewels.

“Marius, there’s something I’ve wanted to show you for a long time. We’ve become close friends, you know, and I can’t help but think about it every day I look at you grow. You’ve practically gained a foot since I picked you up from Toulon.”

I grinned cheekily.

“I’ve been lying to you, all this time. I’m so sorry, Marius. I didn’t know what to do when I first saw you at the map store. I knew you were the boy I was looking for.” I was puzzled, and stared into his eyes.
“You have your mother’s face, you know.”

My mouth dropped open. I was speechless. I think you’re better than this description. I don’t know… it just feels a little… I’m not sure. xD If you can find a different way to describe this, use it.

“How—” I began. “How do you know my mother?”

“We were never married, you have to understand. We were young, idiotic and in love. When your mother died in childbirth, they’d told me you’d gone with her. I didn’t have any family left to turn to, so I sailed into the sea. For eleven years, Marius, I sailed this sea, hopelessly lost without your mother.”

“You’re my father?” I asked, stunned. He slowly nodded.

“I hadn’t expected to see you, of course, alive. But I saw your mother looking through that window. She was in your face. She was in your heart.” With his pointer finger, Mr. Todd touched my heart. “I knew that if I had you, I had her. I love you, Marius. I do. More than anything. You are my light in the darkness. You are her, in a sense.”

“Oh,” I whispered. I looked up into his eyes and saw that he was crying. I couldn’t hold it in any longer too. We embraced and cried in each other’s arms, with the pink, rising sun in the background.

028. Crate

Lorraine was asleep in her bed. Bill took the crate in one hand and the naked infant in the other. It was crying and yelling and screaming and pissing all over the place. Blood was still dripping off of it. She slept through all that? I’m not sure I’m up for believing it.
While he sat, his eyes absent mindly mindedly landed on a piece of paper lying by Lorraine’s jeans.

Jared wrote:I've written my five entries for Cal's contest! I need as much help as I can get with all of them, especially the second one.

-

026. Lurk

I held steadfastly to Andrew’s arms, digging my fingernails into his rough skin.
“No,” I whispered.comma instead of period. “Don’t do it! You’re going to get us both killed!”
There was just enough light in the tiny room for me to get a glance at his beautiful face once more. try replacing with comma, andI could see into his empty eye socket. Painfully, I switch I and painfully around remembered when the hijackers had scraped Andrew’s right eye out. There was still dried blood on his filthy face.
“Christine, we need to get off of this ship,” he whispered. I tugged at his arm again, pleading with him as quietly as I could.
“Shush! If they hear us, we’re already dead! Let go of me. You need to trust me, Christine. I’ve been the captain on this ship for longer than you’ve been alive. I know every nook and cranny. You have to trust me!”
I tearfully shook my head.
“No! No! I need you! I love you! Please don’t do this. Please.” I pressed myself against his chest. There was a musky scent originating from it. It reminded me sickly of blood.
“I love you too. And if we want to escape from this ship, then you have to trust me. I know what I’m doing. The four fools attempting to take the ship will be dead within five minutes. Trust me. I know exactly what I’m going to do.”
He pulled I would think pushing off is easier than pulling me off him and started towards the locked door. I pleaded with him once again, but he didn’t turn around. His face was stern and unchanging as he fumbled with the lock. I had given him a bit of wire from my bracelet for him to use. I cracked my fingers anxiously. He jammed the wire into the locked door and twiddled with it. Without warning, his hands shot up into the air and he spun around with his finger to his lips. I gasped.
The men were right outside of our door. I could hear their heavy Australian accent.Might want to put some idea that they're talking. "the men were right outside the door talking in their heavy australian accent."
“D’you think they’re asleep?”
“It doesn’t matter. They won’t have enough time to register what’s happening. Dan, gimme the pistol.”
My face became pale and clammy.
“Captain Mackey, I don’t think this is such a great idea.” This voice trembledI would say "the mans voice trembled as he said this.".
“Give me the damn pistol, or I’ll kill you.”
There was a fumble outside of the door. I locked my eyes on Andrew. He was shaking violently but never muttered a word.
“Sir, should we kill him first or take the girl?” It was a new voice.A different voice or a Voice I hadn't heard before.
“Shoot the man first. I want the woman to see that we ain’t jesting around. She has the diamond. We need her alive. Jacob, don’t let her out of your sight once we have her.”
“Aye, sir!”
“Alright.”
One of the men stuck a key through the door, Interesting! The key come through the door? Or the lock? "the men stuck a key in the lock" and Andrew clamped his hand over the knob.
“No!” he roared as the door shot open. He was thrown backwards, and the four pirates entered the room, the moonlight shining behind them.

038. Chess

Check.
A cannonball was sent spiraling through the watery battlefield and plummeted into the side of the enemy’s no apostrophe ship. Splinters flew into the air like a child splashing into a pool of water. The hit was a low shot—low enough to the constantly thrashing water that it began to leak steadily This sentence is confusing. "The hit was a low shot ▬ Low enough to cause the boat to spring a leak" or something to that effect.. Men could be seen tumbling from the ropes and masts into the deep depths of the ocean.
There were three large ships, each prepared with dozen of cannons on each side. The sky became so full of black soot that it was nearly impossible to see the other ships.
The King moves.
“Don’t let him get away! Don’t let the bloody ship get away!” Captain Thylilas roared, pointing toward the fleeing ship. “Send the bloody bastard into the waters!”
The Odessa creaked and tottered as it sailed hastily in pursuit of the ship. Capt. Avoid using abbreviations in writing like this Thylilas was at the wheel. His face was distorted in With; bot in anger. Rage built up in his heart until he was almost ready to—
“Sir! Look! Behind you!” a man shouted from on deck. Capt. Thylilas swiveled whirled sounds a bit better here around and glanced backwards. His allying ship, the Victoria, was sinking quickly. He could hear “Abandon ship!”.He could hear the shouts of men crying "Abandon ship". The more detail here, the better.
Capt. Thylilas swore as loud as he could. He turned around and bit his lip. He’d have to forget about that ship for now. He needed to sink the Wave Runner, the fleeing ship. Switch the Wave runner with fleeing ship. "he needed to sink the fleeing ship, the Wave runner." OR "he needed to sink the fleeing wave runner"
The Queen makes her last move.
The Odessa hurtled through the waters, despite her many injuries. I always think it sounds better if you put the defect before the subject. try switching the order; "Despite her many injuries, The Odessa hurtled through the waters." The wind current was on her side today. She sailed mightily towards the Wave Runner. Capt. Thylilas roared, “Fire!” when he was parallel to it Sounds confusing. "When they were besides the ship, Captain Thylilas roared "Fire!" . The Odessa’s cannons shot, and the Wave Runner’s shot back. More splinters, more anguish, and more death the death of more men? . Capt. Thylilas hadn’t thought he had seen such a messy combat.
“Fire everything! If we have to send boots and gloves through those cannons, by God we will!” he roared to his leading commander. Commander Peterson nodded back.
“Aye, aye, sir!” He saluted and ran down the deck.
Capt. Thylilas’ heart was racing as the last of the cannons were shot. The Wave Runner wasn’t depleted just yet. He felt the Odessa lurch underneath his feet, and he stumbled as he regained his composure.
He saw, out of the corner of his eye, a man next to him. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a man next to him.
“What?” the captain asked coldly. Demanded sounds a lot harsher than asking . Substitute?
“Sir, we’re sinking. The Wave Runner is too powerful. I fear that we’ll have to abandon—”
“No! Don’t say it. I’ve never sailed a ship that’s sunk. I’m not about to make this voyage any different.” The captain turned to look at the man. Here you need to clarify who had red hair, the sailor or the captain? And it sounds a bit better if you word like this: "his red hair stood out in puffs beneath his sailors cap" BUT, it couldn't necessarily stand, could it? Stuck out from beneath' sounds a little more logical. He had red hair that stood out in puffs beneath his sailor’s cap.
“Look!” Capt. Thylilas shouted, pointing over to the enemy ship. The man spun around and gasped.
There was a fire on deck. It was swallowing the ship whole, leaving nothing but crumbling ash. It blackened the sky. I don't like this... "A fire was burning on deck, swallowing the entire ship. The flames gave off smoke that blackened the sky, leaving nothing but crumbling ash beneath its hungry mass." I dunno, not necessarily like that but something different.
“We’ve done it!” the man shouted and turned back to the captain. He smiled his crooked smile. Who smiled? the captain or the man? and what man? Clarify .
Checkmate.

001. Evidence

I don’t remember exactly how Mr. Todd ever came by me. I was an orphan, you see.

Living on the streets of Rue L’chair, Toulon, France. I met him (but never lived with him) you can take the parentheses out. I don't think the reader assumes that he would live with him when I was eleven years old. I was at the map shop. I’ve always had a fascination with maps, countries and oceans, you see. They’ve always been my interest this sentence can be eliminated, since you already signified that he had an interest for them. . I wanted to be a cartographer, like Mr. Todd was. Mr. Todd saw me staring a map through a window (‘scum like me’, says Monsieur Lébrah, aren’t allowed in his map store) This doesn't need to be in parentheses. . He asked if I could read it; I lied and said I could. He said he needed me on a big journey to find a box full of treasure. I hastily agreed.
Later that week, I found myself aboard his small ship sailing the Atlantic Ocean. For months, he taught me how to read maps after he learned I lied to him. At first I was frightened that he might cast me into the ocean, but the Christian allowed me to stay aboard. He was such a pleasant man. He taught me how to read maps, and I even attempted to draw them.
“Mr. Todd,” I asked one night, after months of traveling on the sea. “Where is this treasure that you seek?”
“You will see, son. You will see,” was his reply every time I asked him. It always left me feeling mysterious, and maybe even a little under appreciated. If Mr. Todd didn’t trust me with the location of the treasure, then how could I trust him?
One day, I had awakened from my slumber to find Mr. Todd standing over my bed.
“Oh! Mr. Todd, I’m sorry. I must’ve slept in an hour too long!” I muttered, rubbing the sleep from my eyes.
“No, no, in fact, you’re awake a bit early. The sun has just barely sprinkled over the horizon. I want to show you something, Marius. Something very special.”
I hurriedly clambered out of bed and followed him through the ship, up onto the deck. I shivered and wrapped my arms around myself. The pale, pink sun glimmered over the water like a million tiny jewels.
“Marius, there’s something I’ve wanted to show you for a long time. We’ve become close friends, you know, and I can’t help but think about it every day I look at you grow. You’ve practically gained a foot since I picked you up from Toulon.”
I grinned cheekily.
“I’ve been lying to you, all this time. I’m so sorry, Marius. I didn’t know what to do when I first saw you at the map store. I knew you were the boy I was looking for.” I was puzzled, and stared into his eyes.
“You have your mother’s face, you know.”
My mouth dropped open. I was speechless.
“How—” I began. “How do you know my mother?”
“We were never married, you have to understand. We were young, idiotic and in love. When your mother died in childbirth, they’d told me you’d gone with her. I didn’t have any family left to turn to, so I sailed into the sea. For eleven years, Marius, I sailed this sea, hopelessly lost without your mother.”
“You’re my father?” I asked, stunned. He slowly nodded.
“I hadn’t expected to see you, of course, alive. But I saw your mother looking through that window. She was in your face. She was in your heart.” With his pointer finger, Mr. Todd touched my heart. “I knew that if I had you, I had her. I love you, Marius. I do. More than anything. You are my light in the darkness. You are her, in a sense.”
“Oh,” I whispered. I looked up into his eyes and saw that he was crying. I couldn’t hold it in any longer too. We embraced and cried in each other’s no apostrophe arms, with the pink, rising sun in the background.
Now this piece... there is something peculiar about it. I know that it needs correction, but seeing that it is taught from an orphans POV, we don't expect that he had much formal teaching, so i would be afraid to ruin it, by make it sound "prim and proper". Good Job though, I love it.

02. Red

The ocean water was red.
We sat in silence as we watched the first body float past us. Then a second. Even a third.
“What happened?” Liza asked. I didn’t answer; I only listened to the sickening thud as each corpse slammed into the side of our small sailing boat.
“Daddy? Why are all of these people floating in the water?” she asked. I turned to my four year old daughter and said:
“Do you remember when Momma died?”
Her innocent smile washed away like rain. She rubbed her eyes.
“Remember when we had to throw her body into the ocean because she was sick? If we had buried her in the ground, the sickness would’ve spread through the earth and made a million other people sick.”
“So all of these people were sick?” she asked.
I sighed and tried to explain.
“It was before you were born, sweetie. You can’t remember anything. There were bad people that were disguised as good people. These people put bad things into the air that made it hard for us to breathe. Soon, there was a big sickness that swept all through the world. We had you get a shot in your arm when you were born, so you are immune to it.”
“What does immune mean?” she asked.
“It means that you won’t ever end up in the ocean, like Mommy.”
“Why wasn’t she immune?”
“Because grown-ups can’t take the shot, or they will get sick with another sickness called cancer. And that kills us even faster.” Explaining it to her was harder than I thought.
“Oh,” she muttered, and leaned over the edge of the boat.
“Sweetie, please come away from the edge. I don’t want you looking at—”
“What happened to that guy’s face?” Liza shrieked. I ran over to her and flung her away from the railing.
“Liza! When I tell you to get away, I mean it!” Her eyes were bulging in terror.
“What happened to that man’s face? It was all red and puffy!”
“That’s what happens when grown-ups try to get immune with that shot. Now, when I tell you to do something, do it with no questions asked, okay? You can get hurt.”
“How? They’re dead!”
“Not all of them.”

I can't find anything wrong with this! The dialogue was great, and the child's inquiries seemed childlike and not too intelligent! Good Job! I can't actually say that I can tell what the illness was that spread, lol, but it was good. Just remember to watch your apostrophes!


028. Crate

“You can’t be pregnant! It’s not possible!”
[i]“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I don’t know what to do! The baby is three months on its way already. There’s nothing we can do but wait.”
“Wait for what? Another man’s baby to come into this world? I think not!”
“Bill, you can’t leave me. Please. Not while I’m like this! Please!”
“We’re engaged, Lorraine!”
“I know! I’m so sorry! I was drunk and stupid!”
“I can’t believe you’d do something like this!”
“Me either! I’m sorry, Bill. I truly am.”

Lorraine was asleep in her bed. Bill took the crate in one hand and the naked infant in the other. It was crying and yelling and screaming and pissing all over the place. <-- That sentence is a bit awkward. I can't say how to fix it, but it needs fixing. Blood was still dripping off of it.
Yes, Bill recognized it was a male, but it was still and it, no matter what Huh? Im confused... This is a bit too vague. . And soon it would be dead.
It was six months after the startling news. The baby had been born. Bill had refused to take her to the hospital. Instead, he loaded her on his boat while she was in labor and snunk out into the sea, despite her protests.
Taking the infant by the head, he opened the crate and lowered the baby into it. It had curly black hair just beginning to sprout. It hadn’t opened its eyes yet. I don't like the description . More details; "It's curly black hair had just begun to sprout and it hadn't opened his eyes yet.
Bill shut and locked the crate, and the baby’s cry worsened As Bill shut and locked the crate, the baby's cry worsened. . Grimacing, he picked up the crate.
He heaved it into the ocean.

Later, while Lorraine was still asleep, Bill sat next to her, ready to tell her that the baby had been a stillborn. While he sat, his eyes absent SPACE! mindly landed on a piece of paper lying by Lorraine’s jeans. Interested curiously sounds better , he walked over and picked it up. He unfolded it and smoothed out its wrinkles.

Bill, I never told you how much I love you. I’m sorry for not telling you earlier. I didn’t think you were ready to hear it.
We were both drunk that night. Terribly drunk. I distinctively remember crawling into bed with you. I was scared because I knew you wanted to stay a virgin until our marriage night.
I’m sorry for not telling you. As I’ve said, I didn’t think you were ready. I’m naming the baby after his father:
Bill Coswell.

-Lorraine

All in all I say it was remarkably great! You have an awesome writing talent! I love this! i donn't think I could conjure up something as good as this! I'd like to read more!
kepp writing!
And sorry it isnt detailed . This is my SIXTH time starting over, so i may have missed some!

Ciao!
June

Jared -

By far, the two entries I liked most were "Red" and "Crate", especially the latter. With these two stories you incorperated good dialogue and some delicious irony. Irony is something I look for in particular when I'm reading Short Stories, since every successful short story I've read as some aspect of this literary technique blended in. I'd compare "Crate" to Trident's "To Milgram", printed in the YWS Literary Journal. Wonderful job!

However, I felt that the other three stories were nondescript and even down-right cliche. I saw too much Pirate of the Caribbean and in them and the dialogue was often really heavy and hard to digest.

[plant flowers, not words]

Many, many Pirate/Victorian Era stories are butchered by flowery, english-snobbery dialogue. I saw you trying a little too hard in at least two of the entries to make the dialogue "true to the times". But the fact is, whether Shakespearean or Dickens in nature a story is, the words the characters speak will still sound natural. Dialogue is very auditory. You don't read it, you hear it. Some lines spoken in the first three entries, especially in "Lurk" and "Evidence", where just way too hollow. They just weren't realistic, even for whatever times they are set in.

My advice: go back through the first three entries and read the lines of dialogue outloud to yourself. I gaurantee that you'll be able to pick out what sounds good and what doesn't.

[adverbly]

I'm not going to lecture you about this, since you should know better. Adverbs = death. Use them as rarely as possible. I noticed way too many sentences where adverbs could have easily been eliminated and the emotion/content would remain the same.

[miscellaneous]

“No,” I mouthed. “Don’t do it! You’re going to get us both killed!”

“Fire everything! If we have to send boots and gloves through those cannons, by God we will!”

ravishingly red hair

I was affrighted that