Zekyll #1

I don't really get whats going on. But it's a prologue so that doesn't matter, I'm sure I'll get more answers as the story progresses. I think you did a good job with detail, you made the prison seem really and showed the protagonists emotions very well. Just one thing, I would at least like to know why a war is being fought. We're they're being held prisoner? You should at least allude to that stuff.

I'm starting to catch up on my critiques. I'm all excited. So here' goes! Btw, I'm not going to check the others to see if I repeated anything. I usually do, but I'd like to get to bed ASAP and needed to post proof that I actually did critique your work.

After all, how powerful is Verdine anywho?

[s]He[/s] he had thought when he had discovered the unconformities.

The [s]figured[/s] figure stopped abruptly midway between Zekyll’s cell and the old peasant, Sir What’s-His-Face’s.

Zekyll noticed that his chest rarely ever moved; it was as if he didn’t breathe.

“What did you call me for, [no comma] at this late hour?”

“It’s Braythe Muntau,” the second figure replied quietly and deliberately. “They say that he is coming.”

Now tell me, [colon?] who told you this?”

“Sorry, Sire. Porflette told me that he had seen Muntau riding over the mountains. [dash?] Headed right this way!”

“Indeed, sire. We fear that is the case.”

[s]oh[/s] Oh, I shouldn’t be talking foul about Sire Y’din….”

“Wake up you worthless scum. There be work to be done!”

If Y’din, [no comma] or any other soldiers found out, Zekyll knew, he’d be in for a whipping.

“Then look at me, you god-forbidding creature. Look at me!”

“Next time follow your orders.”

You will be hung, you will.”

Zekyll knew that every prisoner’s eyes were watching the keys, wanting them anxiously.

This man was the priest at the prison – Y’din had mentioned that they were lucky to have a holy man of God at hand. He had said that the sinners needed to repent, but even then, God couldn’t save them from their doomed fate. Or something like that.

They need to work off some of that fat that they’ve been storing.

or eleven now, Zekyll thought, prisoners.

“You heard what he said. [insert tag here] And you all know what to do.

A lonely priest. Bah. Pathetic.

And when he was watching, they had to work

As they left their cells, Zekyll thought that it would be better to go in his sleep, like Pran had. He was pretty clever, that What’s-His-Face. He knew what he was doing. He knew how to be saved from this hell.

Back for more!

“What did you call me for, at this late hour?” the first shadow whispered. Zekyll bit his lip [s]so that he would [/s]toremain quiet. Whatever they were discussing [s]just[/s] had to be important. And then, the next morning, he would be able to boast that he had overheard Verdine’s plans! At last! Some attention! Zekyll held his breath.

“Hush!” the first man whispered fiercely. “We shan’t have you waking up the pris’ners. Now, tell me, who told you this?” There was a moment’s silence.

“Sorry, Sire. Porflette told me that he had seen Muntau riding over the mountains[s]. [/s],[s]H[/s]headed right this way!”

Zekyll quickly gasped for breath, for he had been holding it for such a time that his face had turned red. The two men [s]had[/s] noticed and turned away from him.

“We don’t know. Y’din wants your opinion. Well[s]…[/s], he wants everyone’s opinion so that he doesn’t look like a complete fool when he acts… oh, I shouldn’t be talking foul about Sire Y’din….”

“Let’s talk more outside. I fear the pris’ners will overhear. Lead the way, Badin.” Both of the figures glided across the musty floor[s]. [/s], and[/b]Zekyll caught a glimpse [s]at[/s]of[/b] the Sire’s sword as it glinted in the only light available. It was narrow, long, and perfectly smooth. It had been rumored that the Sire’s sword was used for the executions…

Zekyll shivered.

“Wake up, you worthless scum. There be work to be done!”

Zekyll’s left eye opened slightly. He should be used to the normal wake-up cry. It was heard every morning, at the exact time. He watched other inmates struggle to conquer their drowsiness and [s]shook[/s] shake themselves awake. Sir What’s-His-Face, next cell over, felt the same as Zekyll. He could always wake up later…

“Get up!” Sol, another inmate that was very fond of What’s-His-Face, whispered, and rapped his fingers against his friend’s metal cell. “Hurry, before Y’din comes. You know what’ll happen. He’ll tear your throat out, and eat it. At least, that’s what they say…”

What’s-His-Face didn’t reply. Zekyll raised his eyebrow at the old man[s]. He slid [/s]before sliding[/b] out of his cot and [s]stuck [/s]sticking his [s]legs [/s]feet through his leggings.

He still didn’t move. He was completely motionless. What a fool! If Y’din, or any other soldiers found out, Zekyll knew, he’d be in for a whipping.

Zekyll’s heart jumped as he heard the terrifying roar of Y'din, the commander of the prison. He crawled into his tunic and [s]at last [/s]approached the front end of his cell. As he gripped the bars, a chill crept up his spine.

“I said, look at me, scum!” Y’din tapped his sword against Zekyll’s cell. Struggling, using all of his will power, Zekyll managed to leave his eyes below the man’s waist.

“Then look at me, you god [s]forbidding[/s] forbidden creature. Look at me!”

“Next time, follow your orders.” Y’din stared into Zekyll’s eyes for a moment longer, and then carried on, inspecting each cell.

“Where is prisoner 6408?” Y’din snapped. Zekyll’s heart dropped as he realized that Pran was still asleep. How was that even humanely possible, to be asleep in Y’din’s presence?

“You, there. Wake up, you filthy creature! You shall not get away with a crime such as this. You will be hung, you will.” After [s]those words[/s]saying this, Y’din searched his clothing for the set of keys. Zekyll knew that every prisoner’s eyes were watching the keys, wanting them anxiously.

Y’din had mentioned that they were lucky to have a holy man of God at hand. He had said that the sinners needed to repent, but even then, God couldn’t save them from their doomed fate. Or something like that.

After Badin had taken Pran out of the cell and disposed of the body, Y’din resumed his inspection, yelling at the inmates and scolding them for even the slightest mistake. When he reached the end of the room, he turned around and came back to the door, where Badin [s]waited[/s]was waiting earnestly.

“Put them to work. They need to [s]work [/s]get ridof some of that fat that they’ve been storing. Shattering stones should do the trick. No baths tonight,” Y’din said, and then raised his voice, “nor any for the rest of the week. You need to learn to keep yourselves clean. Filthy scum.”

“You heard what he said. And you all know what to do. Get to work. If I see any one of you slacking on your duty, you shall be severely punished.” The man’s voice was faulty[s]. All [/s], and all of the inmates knew that he couldn’t force them to do anything. A lonely priest. Bah. Pathetic.

Hey guys. There have been a lot of suggestions to change Zekyll's voice in the chapter. But that's his personality. He's a little slow at times, and is sarcastic. If that didn't really shine through, then I guess I need to work on it.

I’m not getting old; I can’t be. I’m but a few years younger than dust! He had thought when he had discovered the unconformities.

A Prologue of Misfortunes, Death, and Gray Hairs


Find something to replace the gray hairs part.

Sheesh Jared, how many stories have you got going now?!

Ok, Jared, here I am to critique your piece like you asked! I haven't fully read what Mark said to change, but I'm going to tell you my opinions.

First of all, interesting hook on first segment. It has me wondering why Zekyll is in the cell, how he's going to get out, etc. I got a little confused with the names and stuff when those two guys were talking, but I'm sure that will sort itself out. However, I'm not sure you can use the name Zekyll if this became anything, because it's already in a published work.

So on to the nitpicks!

A Prologue of Misfortunes, Death, and Gray Hairs

In a cell for all time and eternity, or so it felt like, Zekyll licked his parched lips. The bars were close around him, almost strangling him, it seemed. They formed a constricted barrier between the world and his life, and quite often they would threaten to close out all of the light. All of the happiness. All of the hope.

But then again, thought Zekyll, I’m only in here for a little while longer. Forever shan’t take that long, will it? After all, how powerful is Verdine anywho?

Bargaining our lives; it’s just a daily routine! We hear about it all the time. “Monstrous Villain Threatens to Take Over the World!”

In the shadowy darkness, Zekyll rested his head on his rough hands. His tattered rags that were loaned to him were torn. His beard had grown longer than it had ever been, and to his surprise, he had found a couple gray hairs hiding behind his brown ones.

I’m not getting old; I can’t be. I’m but a few years younger than dust! He had thought when he had discovered the unconformities.

A shadow walked past his cell, and Zekyll’s eyes followed it. The figure[s]d [/s]stopped abruptly midway between Zekyll’s cell and the old peasant's, Sir What’s-His-Face[s]’[/s][s]s[/s]. He stood there for a moment, as if reckoning where he was. The man was tall and lanky, and held a sword at his side. Zekyll noticed that his chest rarely ever moved; it was as if he didn’t breathe. How strange!

After [s]another[/s]a[/b] moment or two, another shadow crept up behind the first man. The second man tapped the first on the shoulder, and their eyes met.

Sheesh Jared, how many stories have you got going now?!

Hehe, let's have a look;

how powerful is Verdine any[s]who[/s]?

His tattered rags [s]that[/s] were loaned to him[s] were torn[/s].

I’m but a few years younger than dust!

Sir What’s-His-Face’s

Zekyll bit his lip[s] so that he would remain quiet[/s].

man’s[s] hushed[/s] voice.

I try and try and try and I can never get the full swing of fantasy.

Yay! First reply!

Hmm... well. I'm not going to swoon and say it's marvellous, but I do like it a lot. It's not too wordy to the point of being almost pretentious, like some on here, and so the result is easy reading of the kind that I like to stay up late at night with. That's not meant to say it's amateur or anything. I quite like your sentence structure... it's kind of Stephen King-y in places, with the breaks and interrupted flow. Despite those, they were nicely done. Fitting.

I especially liked the part where Zekyll couldn't meet Y'din's eyes. You conveyed the feeling of that moment perfectly.

And cleverly, you filled the first section with mystery... now I'm curious. So you've earned yourself a dedicated reader.

=D Next chapter! Soon! Please!