i liked it, keep up the good work
z
Ok, I have been wanting to write this for the last couple of days, and I finally got the will to do it. This will be a horror. The first part may not seem so, but it is. Believe me. Any comments would be welcome!
The Hitch Hiker
You don’t know what hit you until it does. Or so my granny says. She was always like that; full of old sayings. There were sayings for every occasion, every place at every time. Strange old woman, yet she was the one that took care of me and helped me along the way.
“Gran, you gonna be ok?” I asked, stepping out of the bathroom. I had undone my long, silky hair from a bun. It was the dress code at Ol’ Donuts.
“Yes, yes, dear. I’ll be fine. Go and pick up Jacob and relax. You’ve been working nonstop. You need a break, dear,” Gran said, the wrinkles in her face folding and unfolding with her mouth. Her white hair was tied up in a hairnet; though not that there was not much hair to fill. Her blue eyes twinkled in the bright light of the donut factory.
I glanced down at my jeans and smoothed any wrinkles. No use.
“Thanks, Gran. I appreciate it,” I said and then waved to her as I stepped out of the hot factory.
____
You don’t know what hit you until it does. The saying buzzed in my head as I replayed what had happened earlier that day.
Gran had asked me to take out the donut dough out of the refrigerator. I did, as it was a common routine. There was only one thing that occurred differently.
I took the dough out and shaped them. Then, one by one, I slid the dough into the hot grease. The first one fell in fine, but then the second one plopped in, sloshing burning grease all over my hand. I cried out in pain as Gran shuffled to my rescue. The grease was still there, terrorizing my skin. She pulled me over to the sink and slid my hand under the cold water.
I winced and tried to pull away, but her strong grip wouldn’t let me.
“You don’t know what hit you until it does,” she quoted from her sayings. I looked at her and grimaced.
____________
Absent-mindly, I rubbed my burn and walked towards my Dodge truck. It was beaten up by the many trips to work that I made. My house was five miles away from Ol’ Donuts.
I unlocked the red truck and jumped in and ignited the engine. My long, smooth hair fell into my face, and I pushed it away. The engine roared to life and I smiled.
As a routine, I checked myself in my hand held mirror and grinned at my white teeth and beautiful face. Laughing out loud, I realized how vain I was. At sixteen, people told me that I shouldn’t be working with my grandmother at a donut factory. I should be a model. I laughed in their faces and said, “Yeah, right.”
I shifted into first gear and the car gave a jolt. I was used to it now. Jacob, my brother, hadn’t fixed the transaction between gears. It was always a little jerky.
Staring out at the dusty road, I could see out for miles. The entire city was behind me. All that was in front of me was dust. Hot, barren dust. My natural home.
I was always a country girl. I loved being outside and being free. Whenever I entered a city, I felt closed up. Out here, though, I was free.
I shifted into second gear and the truck gave the familiar jerk and I sped off towards Jason Bird’s house, where Jacob was. The fifteen year old was always hanging out with that kid. I could never tell why. Guy bonds were so different then us girls.
My mind went over the routine: I would driver to Jason’s house and pick up my brother. Then I would drive him to his work, at the local elementary school and then I would go home and relax. Just like Gran said. It was as simple as that.
At least, that was as simple as it was going to be. Until I saw her.
_________
The truck was in fourth gear and I was racing down the desolate dirt road. I grinned as the rocks bounced beneath the vehicle. I could feel every pebble that was under the tires. And I loved it.
I rolled my head around my shoulders, cracking my neck. My body shifted into a comfortable position as I removed my left hand from the steering wheel. My right hand remained.
Licking my lips, I wished that I had taken a drink from the store. It was unbelievably hot today and I was absolutely parched. My tongue couldn’t even water at the thought of liquid.
I turned on the radio and the news came on. I was about to turn it when I heard the personal say, “She is wanted for a double homicide, is that right, Clark?”
A male voice said, “Yes, that is correct, Clara. Brittany Watson is charged with a double homicide.”
Oh? A couple murders? I listened intently.
Clara replied, “Can you give us the names of the two victims?”
“Yes. The female is Sarah Watson, Brittany’s sister. The other is Thomas Jones, a witness to Sarah’s murder,” Clark said. I could tell that he felt anxious to get the report over with.
“I see. Do the police have any suspicions of where Watson currently is?” Clara asked.
“Not at the moment, no. But I’ll get back with you soon.”
“Thanks, Clark. He’ll be with us again at five with more news.”
I raised my eyebrow. A killer on the loose? The news lady, Clara, went on to talk about a sick elephant in a local zoo. I changed the frequency to a music station and leaned back in the seat.
________
Out in the distance, I could see a figure. The heat must have been playing tricks on me because I couldn’t get a solid glimpse on them. Probably a mirage. I mean, who would be walking out in this heat?
I wiped my brow as sweat began to form. That was negative thing about my truck. It was partially Jacob’s part because he hadn’t installed an air-conditioning unit in the truck. I always had my window down and enjoyed the breeze. But it still wasn’t keeping me from feeling hot and sticky.
As I drove faster, I realized that it wasn’t a mirage. There was a woman jogging on the side of the road. Her deep black hair bounced carelessly behind her.
Who would be jogging in this heat? My instincts told me that I should offer her a ride. Maybe her car broke down? I mean, it was the least I could do.
I shifted down in the gears and slowed down to the point that she looked over her shoulder. I could see swear literally pouring down her face.
Grinning falsely, I stopped and she did too. She looked back to the truck and I motioned her to come. The woman looked back down the road and then back to me. Then, slowly she started jogging over to the truck.
I undid my seat belt and opened the door for her. She flashed me a smile.
“Uh, do you need a ride? I mean, you can’t seriously be running on a hot day like this,” I said in my nice lady way. The woman looked down the road and looked back at me.
“I’m sorry. I wouldn’t want to slow you down,” she said very politely. I grinned, for real this time, and shook my head.
“No, it’s fine. It’s the least I can do. I mean, this road goes on for another three miles. You can’t seriously jog that far.” I motioned for her to hop in.
“I wouldn’t be too much trouble? I’m just following this road into Heber,” she said, gasping for each breath. The woman wiped her forehead with her sleeve.
“Really? Heber is just a little past where I live. Come on. I’ll give you a ride,” I said.
“Are you sure? I don’t want to cause any hassle.”
“Seriously, it’s fine. Get in,” I said playfully. The woman grinned and nodded, getting into my truck. She sighed and looked at me.
“Thanks. I mean. Thanks a ton,” she said.
I nodded and shifted into first gear.
“What’s your name?” I asked and she looked at me.
“I’m, uh, Stephanie. Stephanie Tiller.”
“Hi, Stephanie. I’m Susan Francisco. It’s nice to meet you,” I said politely.
“Please, call me Steph. Stephanie sounds way too formal,” Stephanie said and I laughed out loud.
“Sure.”
For some reason, in the back of my mind, Gran’s old saying kept repeating itself. You don’t know what hit you until it does.
___
Would you be interested in more?
BBB
This was really good! I would definately be interested in more!
Gran said, the wrinkles in her face folding and unfolding with her mouth. Her white hair was tied up in a hairnet; though not that there was not much hair to fill. Her blue eyes twinkled in the bright light of the donut factory.
I liked how you described the grandmother. I was able to picture her in my mind.
I agree with Fangala the Flying Feline that you do talk about Susan's hair too much.
My mind went over the routine: I would driver to Jason’s house and pick up my brother.
Here I think you meant drive instead of driver. Other than that I loved this! Keep it up!
Wow. I am in absolute AWE at how much your writing has improved. You just keep getting better and better. There's pretty much nothing wrong with this. The only three things I noticed were:
1. You go a little overboard with Susan's hair. Just mention it once; once is enough.
2. You also overuse granny's saying. Again, you only need to say it once.
3. Jacob and Jason are way too close, namewise. For someone who doesn't know this story very well, it's easy to get them confused.
Bravo, BBB. Keep it up.
Alright, I finally have a little time to crit this. Let's see if I find anything no one caught yet.
There were sayings for every occasion, every place, at every time.
Go [s]and[/s] pick up Jacob and relax.
Her white hair was tied up in a hairnet; [s]though[/s] not that there was [s]not[/s] much hair to fill.
I glanced down at my jeans and smoothed any wrinkles. No use.
Gran had asked me to [s]take out[/s] fetch the donut dough [s]out[/s] from [s]of[/s] the refrigerator.
I took the dough out and shaped them.
Absent-mindly, I rubbed my burn and walked towards my Dodge truck.
My house was five miles away from Ol’ Donuts.
I unlocked the red truck, [s]and[/s] jumped in, and ignited the engine.
My long, smooth hair fell into my face, and I pushed it away. The engine roared to life and I smiled.
As a routine, I checked myself in my hand held mirror and grinned at my white teeth and beautiful face.
I shifted into second gear and the truck gave the familiar jerk and I sped off towards Jason Bird’s house, where Jacob was.
Guy bonds were so different [s]then[/s] than us girls.
Then I would drive him to his work, at the local elementary school, and [s]then[/s] finally I would go home and relax.
My tongue couldn’t even water at the thought of liquid.
I was about to [s]turn it[/s] change the station when I heard the personal say...
That was a negative thing about my truck.
It was partially Jacob’s [s]part[/s] fault because he hadn’t installed an air-conditioning unit in the truck.
[s]Then, slowly[/s] she eventually started jogging over to the truck.
“[s]Thanks. I mean.[/s] Thanks a ton,” she said.
Very good job, it was an intriguing opener. We get a sense of your main character right away, which I love. I also love your opening sentence, it's a great hook.
A few small things...
“You don’t know what hit you until it does,” she quoted from her sayings.
bigbadbear wrote:Gran had asked me to take out the donut dough out of the refrigerator.
bigbadbear wrote:The grease was still there, terrorizing my skin.
bigbadbear wrote:I would driver to Jason’s house and pick up my brother.
bigbadbear wrote:I could see swear literally pouring down her face.
Hey, BBB.
I heard you talking about this in the chat and had to read it. xD At least now there's someone else trying to bring horror back?
It was a good beginning. I got a decent sense of your main character, although hopefully you'll flesh the others out more as the story goes on.
I took the dough out and shaped them.
That should be "it," not "them," as you're still talking about the dough.
But I’ll get back with you soon.”
Jacob, my brother
"My borther Jacob" would make that less awkward.
This sounded a bit strange for the news, even on the radio. Try: "But I'll be back soon with an update," or something of the sort.
I could see swear literally pouring down her face.
*sweat
“Yes. The female is Sarah Watson, Brittany’s sister. The other is Thomas Jones, a witness to Sarah’s murder,” Clark said. I could tell that he felt anxious to get the report over with.
I don't know how long ago the murders ocurred, but if they were recent, then names probably wouldn't be given. It usually says something along the lines of, "The victims have yet to be identified, but the police say that they will reveal them after the family has been contacted. They can say, however..." Just something you might want to consider.
That was all I found. Overall, it was an intriguing beginning, even if it was a little predictable. But then, I guess I heard you saying some of the details in the chat. >.< Good work.
-Mat
Oi, bear-kun ^_^ Pretty good here. Yes, I would be interested in seeing more. Just one little nitpicky thing.
[quote][/quote] As I drove faster, I realized that it wasn’t a mirage. There was a woman jogging on the side of the road. Her deep black hair bounced carelessly behind her. [quote]
For some reason, the description "Deep black hair" seems really.. not right to me. Maybe try to replace "deep" with another word? Perhaps along the lines of:
Her charcoal black hair bounced carelessly behind her.
Or something like that. ^_^
"Would you be interested in more? "
what a stupid question, of course we would!! write it now!
the only thing that really caught my eye was the double spaces. if it was a page break i would suggest ---------- or ____________ or ********* just so we know what it is. other than that, im too tired (lazy) for a big crit right now. besides, i didnt see many errors except the grammas saying, it sounded... awkward for some reason. i dunno if its just me...
good work! (as always) keep it up!
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