Young Writers Society

Hey, Jare, I have a new deal for you. I'll count the fat boy critique as 1/2, and this as 1/2, and dirt as 1. So you have one left, or two more critiques like this, okay? 'cause on a lot of your stuff, 'specially since it's so short, my critiques are not long at all.

Nit-Picks

[Holly_Sock] 11.46 pm: …why?

[Holly_Sock] 11:47 pm: why do you want to know? She doesn’t like people giving out her personal information and stuff.

[Holly_Sock] 11:49 pm: Atlanta, GA.

Holly Eva stands by a barbed wire fence. She clutches her coat close to her body.

wow, that was really creepy!!!
lol. that's scary, but the chatroom was an interesting way to start it.
i didn't really find any errors or anything, so good job, and i'll be waiting for the next part.

Great job! Two thumbs up. I only could read the revised version because I recently joined but from previous reviews the revision was great. I love how realistic the reactions were, it was as if this could actually happen (hopefully not). The chat-room conversation was very realistic also. But about the chat-room although it was realistic I totally agree with ashleylee, I think that most (normal) people wouldn't agree to meet up with someone met online. It just seemed a bit... fake. But besides that the story was great, this also falls under my favorite genre. Keep up the good work!

WOW!!! That is SO creepy. It reminded me of one of those psychos on CSI or something I just finished reading a detective book with murders and stuff and I think that made me like your story even more. I love books like this. I think it would be so cool to be a detective and nail these psychos…

But I’m getting off track. As you can probably all ready tell, I really enjoyed your story. I found no errors at all. I must tell you, even though you kind of mentioned this earlier that you worked really hard on it, that the chat room conversation was kind of…forced. I’m sorry, but I’m not entirely sure that they would get so enthusiastic about the things they talked about. I don’t know…maybe that’s just me, but even if some guy said that he went to my school, I would NEVER agree to meet him ANYWHERE. I guess I’m just paranoid like that, but this is exactly what can happen. Ug, it gives me the shivers just thinking about what happen to Holly.

Anyway, wonderful job and Keep Writing!

Hey BBB!!!

I have to make reading some of your work apart of my daily schedule because its like going to the movies! I love watching thrillers and mysteries, where plots take unexpected turns and stuff! My heart is racing so fast, I'm speechless. Ok, I'm not really speechless but I should be because this was amazingly good. At first I thought these were just two kids chatting online but then the fog and the struggle...OMG!!
Alright, alright let's get down to business. Darn...I found no mistakes...so ok that part of the critiquing is over.
All in all,
Keep writing and Good Job,
Angel

Hello! This is just a quick critique, but I'll try to be helpful...
I thought the chat-room part was really well written. I expect some people would go overboard with the "txttlk" but I think you did just fine. I liked how Holly didn't fall for him, at first, hook-line-and-sinker. The 'ums' were really effective!
These 'ums' show she's unsure and a bit wary, and thus leads to something I think you should consider. Obviously, she has her doubts (you've portrayed that well), but then she just meets him! I think a few more cyber-meetings would suffice for the realism. She needs to trust him; he needs to make her feel close to him.
Now for the actual meeting... I just thought the fog thing was a bit cliché, but not terribly so. It also came across as a bit rushed... I know you want impact, but it didn't need to just happen so suddenly, I don't think.
Last of all, pickiness at its extreme:

“It’s gonna be all right, hunny,”

Whoa, baby.

Internet predators are bad, and you took it to the next level. At first I thought Holly_Sock would be the predator, but no....

You tricked me!

Write more. Who was it? *shakes with excitement* My friend, MJ *she's FlirtWithDisaster* read this with me. Sooo exciting.

Write more, please! Yay!

~Lily~

Whoa. I woke up and had eight responses. That's the most I've ever woken up to!

Ryukun7 - Thanks! I'll go back and edit those two parts, because they seem to be the weakest part of the story.

Kiss In The Rain - Thanks! I'm going to go back and edit that last, non chat room part. It needs some work.

Pork -

How, by the way, does this man know someone local will be in this particular chatroom? He must have known the girl prior to the conversation, but even still, how does he know about this chatroom? I hope this gets explained later on, because right now it doesn't make any plausible sense.

Take out the "Before the Murder" line. It's unnecessary and takes away any suspense this could have had.

Eeeh! It's my name!

So maybe you can switch it around so that Holly is the one that's leaving the chat and then after she leaves, creepy stalker guy can be like "Good night, my love". That way, the reader still gets the spine-chill that that sentence gave, but it's no longer unrealistic.

The chatspeak scene was rather accurate. As everyone has already pointed out, the lunch scenario seemed a bit... off, but other than that it was quite realistic. Most writers can't reveal their character's intentions and personalities through a conversation, so well done!

I'm sure someone has already pointed this out, but the ending was a bit vague. The chatspeak scene was so utterly detailed that the lunch scene seemed... lacking. The same vibrancy of character we saw before vanished. It definitely seemed rushed, and could use some detail.

Other than that, though, this was a brilliant story I'm dying to find out who the killer was...

Hmm, I think Vernon and Insomnia got most of the grammar issues. That being said, this was a very original piece and not what I expected at all. Nice job.

As everyone else said, the whole "two lunches" thing was suspicious, and if I were Holly I would have been gone in that instant. Also, chat room stalkers are very, very good at what they do. He wouldn't say something like "I know everything about you." I know it's great foreshadowing, but you do have to be realistic. Stalkers who find their victims in chat rooms are very good at sounding like kids. So just watch that kind of stuff.

Also, the "my beauty" thing struck me as a little awkward and cliche, in both the chat room and when he stabbed her. It seemed like something a Victorian-England-esque killer would say. Go ahead and make it original. Put a little dialogue in that scene, maybe. Why is he killing her? Is he just a murderer, or is he a little crazy too? You can really add a lot to the character development.

Okay! Now that I've rambled, I'll just add once again that I really enjoyed this and it gave me goosebumps. *shiver* Keep it up!

Edit:

Wow. So much creepier. So much better. Very nicely done.

“Josh, come on. Where are you?” There is a fragile edge to her voice, like a frail piece of string that could tear easily. Her eyes begin to strain.

“I’ve been waiting for you.” The voice is gentle. Kind, and at the same time urging.

“It’s gonna be all right, hunny,” he whispers fiercely. The man squeezes her throat, pressing on the pressure points. Holly is becoming limp. Her struggles are useless. She squirms and tries to bite his hand, but everything is a failed attempt.

“Just a few more seconds,” he breathes into her ear. “I love you, hunny.”

The squirming stops. Only one single tear can escape from Holly’s eyes before the man lays her on the grass. Her body is pale and frozen. Perfect for him.

He kneels on the wet grass with her. He pressed his face up to hers. “I love you.”

Okay BBB, first off the chat was hard I get but you could make it more interesting have someone else in the chat. Another thing, it's very annoying at least to me when I see sentences continuelly began with names, for example:

Holly Eva stood by the fence, hands in her pockets. The sky was gray and dark, and there was a mist covering the school field. She couldn’t see the building from where she was standing. The grass was wet and slippery. Holly had fallen on her way to meet Josh. She had dark water stains on her pants.

Shivering, she glanced behind her. Holly was standing behind a canal that traveled down the fence line, emptying out in a river somewhere. The water seemed to be frozen. The misty air had halted the water.

Holly could hear students talking on the schoolyard. They were far away enough that she couldn’t see them in the mist, but close enough that she could hear them.

Holly shivered again.

Was Josh even going to meet her? And was he really important enough to stand outside in the chilling fog?

“Hello, my beauty.”

Holly jumped and turned around. Her eyes caught a glimpse of a knife and a silhouette of a man. He was tall and wore a black hat. Holly didn’t even have time to see his eyes before she felt the piercing.

Hey, 3B. How're you?

You've done a good job here. It's a pretty cool concept, but like Prok said, I'm hoping you'll detail the plot more in the next parts so we know exactly how he did it.

The scene in the chat room is pretty good, although it seems a bit formal for the situation sometimes. Like here:

[Freakazoid] 11:46 pm: Nothing. Just wandering around the web looking for cool chat rooms. Is this one used a lot?

[Holly_Sock] 11:47 pm: why do you want to know? She doesn’t like people giving out her real name and stuff.

[Freakazoid] 11:51 pm: oh… um..

Holly Eva stood by the fence,

Holly didn’t even have time to see his eyes before she felt the piercing.

ENTIRELY NEW REVIEW!:
______________________

I must say this made a world's difference to this piece. I got a much better picture of what was going on
in the murder scene, and the whole time I was holding my breath. Two thumbs up to that. Except, I did find a two new errors, and someone might have already mentioned them, but... oh well. You're gonna have to hear them again if that's the case.

Everything is quiet. The lunch break is almost over, and she can hear the students heading towards the high school.

Her voice seems to stop dead.

Again, I like your style and the chat conversation was not bad at all.

But WHAT? This doesn't make any sense.

What kind of moron girl decides to meet an obvious creepo? The whole lunch thing... he just goes "um..." and Holly doesn't take that as a warning sign? He's obsessed about their ages and that's not odd enough?

"Good night, my love."? Perv alert! He's even named Freakazoid. How many more warning signs does she need?

How, by the way, does this man know someone local will be in this particular chatroom? He must have known the girl prior to the conversation, but even still, how does he know about this chatroom? I hope this gets explained later on, because right now it doesn't make any plausible sense.

Take out the "Before the Murder" line. It's unnecessary and takes away any suspense this could have had.

Prokaryote

Hey, BigBadBear. This is quite the piece. I really liked it! Ryukun pretty much got the grammar, so I'll just add to the compliments.

I liked it, really I did. The chat room was very believeable. I've never truely been in one, but it's just like MSN, so you did a great job with that. The last part, of her being murdered... I didn't really like it all that much. It could have been more...what's the word? Detailed. I don't know the rules to the challenge, so if you did the requirements, then don't change it, by any means. However, if you get the chance to change some things, add a bit more detail. It draws us in.

Other than that one little thing, GREAT JOB!

Edit:

Hey, me back. I liked the ending. Very nice changes. The other posters were sort of right. It was definitely better than the first time, but it could still use a little bit of revising.

The lunch part was a little better, thanks for fixing that, but not quite realistic. Holly shouldn't just let that pass. Maybe take it out? And add something in its place. Transfer student maybe? And his last school had a few different lunches? Mine does, so I could completely understand the two/three lunches thing, but she shouldn't just let it pass without a major dose of suspicion. I wouldn't.

Other than that, whoo hoo! Great job with the revisions. Just a few more, and this part will be squeaky-clean perfect .

Hey BigBadBear!

First off, I would like to say you did an excellent job of capturing a chat room atmosphere. I actually used a chat room in one of my works, but I think you did a much better job in portraying the characters with it.

Despite the realistic dialogue, there were two parts in the conversation that were slightly unbelievable to me.

1)

[Freakazoid] 11:51 pm: What are u talking about?
[Holly_Sock] 11:51 pm: we only have one lunch. It’s not like middle school or anything.
[Freakazoid] 11:51 pm: oh… um..
[Holly_Sock] 11:51 pm: yeah. So you’ll meet me? You should know what I look like.

[Freakazoid] 11:52 pm: Heh. Cool. Good night, my love.
[Chat]: Freakazoid has left at 11:52 pm
[Holly_Sock] 11:52 pm: night.
[Holly_Sock] 11:52 pm: … love?

Slinging her bag over her shoulder, Holly walks hesitantly over to where she heard the footsteps. Josh is probably just a joker. One of those idiots that tried to scare her in the hallways or something.

He kneels on the wet grass with her. He pressed his face up to hers. “I love you.”
The man brings his fingers up delicately to Holly’s face. He strokes her chin, gently.
The man kisses her soft lips.