Yours Truly (Edited)

Thankyou Classy

Ugh, sorry this has taken so long. I've been really busy with my magazine and all that...

So, pretty much when I read this, all I see it "I love your... I love your... I love the way you..." You need more variety in this. It's basically one big list of the things you like about this girl. Why?

When you get to know a person, you not only figure out what you like about them, but why. A boy loves that his girlfriend is so sweet. Why? Because she gave a homeless man all the money she had - a ten-dollar bill. So you need to explain why here. Otherwise, all these lines are mediocre, and plain. I know your not plain, Benny Boop.

dress your mysterious past.

Thanks Heather! I know, I agree with what you're saying, I might put up another edited version of this somewhen

Hey hey! A pleasure to read your work as always ^^ First, I'd like to say that this is very sweet and whoever the recipitent is, she/he's a very lucky person. From the point of view of a gift it's excellent.

However, I'm in agreement with Demeter where poetry is concerned. The features you've chosen to mention don't give your reader much to work on as far as relating to/ imagining the beloved. What is it about her that's different to any other girl out there? Is there perhaps a certain pattern to her freckles or does she touch her ear when she's irritated. What little characteristics have you noticed that belong completely to her?

You're right about not many nit-picks. Your choice of words is good and it's very easy to read, perhaps a little too much like prose at times but it's not a bad style. I actually quite like the simple honesty of it. There's nothing wrong with what you have currently, I just feel as though you're lacking that finer touch of detail, something to spice it up. There's a lot we notice about people that we maybe don't realise at first but when you think closely about someone/ watch them you might notice an action or a phrase they repeat a lot. My sister has a tendancy to pick up old conversations half way through current ones or to stop in the middle of a sentence and suddenly make an acute observation or fire a question at her. And there's her sort of nervous laugh she does a lot.

Maybe start by making a list of her habits and then think of what those mean to you, maybe think of some imagery that connects with it.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions! Thanks for the read,

Heather xx

Thanks everyone for the positive feedback and I agree with you Dems really, thanks for the review

Hair beautifully black
As a night at sea;
Skin, pearl white,
Like the froth
of a majestic wave.
Your walk so gallant
And proud;
Your stride
so stunning,
And your breath
so drawing,
these first words were powerful your use of them i respect
keep up the beautiful work.

Nice poem if only there was a girl like that around here sadly such a girl only exist in poems and dreams hopefully your ideal is different. But anyways once again good job and keep up the good work man!

Oh my god. That was AMAZING. Seriously. The structure and diction just blew my mind. And my mind loved it.

Hi, Ben!

Well, I think I read in your blog that you wrote this for a special someone. That is lovely, and I'm certain it got her the way you intended, haha. So, if we look at this as just an expression of your feelings, it works perfectly.

But, if we adapt a sharper point of view, one of a poet/poetry reader, it's hard to come up with things about this poem that makes it so unique in the world of poetry and different from other poems. You use some pretty words and the description probably makes the subject blush, but if I'm being completely honest here, this is not the most impressed I've ever been. There are tons of love poems out there, and there are tons of "you're like this and you're like that and I love you" kind of love poems and it's difficult to make a difference between them, unless there's really something "Wow! I've never thought about it like that!" about them. This includes, for example, unique imagery and metaphors and untouched words. (Thesaurus is handy!)

For starters, you could try to polish the rhythm of this poem a little. Now there's basically no rhythm, and the whole thing feels like stream-of-consciousness. Nothing wrong with that, of course, but a bit of flow would make this poem feel more consistent and come-together.

I hope I've helped you! PM me with any questions.


Demeter
x

Yeah, I can see how "Cheeky" can appear irrelevant, but I used it because that's how I see them. It's one of those personal things that only really make sense to the person writing it, or feeling a similar way
And thanks for the feedback (:

this was really beautiful, and i know everyone's been saying that but i absolutely loved it. however

and your perfect cheeky ears;

@Kay - Thankyou! Makes me proud to be a writer

@Isha - Aw, thanks! Glad you liked it

BenFranks wrote:
The way your eyes
dress your mysterious past.
I love your beating heart
and your ever-ticking pulse,

Ben,

Really, I never have really considered poetry an art, until I read this. This was just beautifully written. You have that rare gift that only one-in-one-thousand writers have, and I congratulate you. After reading this I look at some of your other works and loved them all. I'm glad you noted some of my changes from the original. No nit pricks here. Keep on writing, to not would be doing a dis-service to the world.

Kay

Thankyou Skins! And I'm sure you're a great reviewer! This is just the edited version so I was hoping there wouldn't be nitpicks, so it all looks promising so far!

~Ben

Hey there Ben!

After reading your poem, I had a look at some of your other stuff. I must say, it's all pretty amazing! Your descriptions are actually beautiful, and your use of imaginary is seriously good. I applaud you greatly for that!

I would normally begin a review with some nit-picks, but in your case, I'm pretty sure that I don't need to! I'm not the best reviewer in the world, not by far, but I know that anyone will struggle to find something bad in your work!

What I especially love about this piece is that you didn't use any rhyme! It's so easy to feel as though rhyming is needed when it comes to a poem like this. You on the other hand, have just written what's come to your head. Well done!

I love the way you dance,
the darling imperfections
of your voice-

Thankyou!

Beautiful. It's one of those things that's like, "Man, why didn't I write that?"
You have a gift, and it seems natural. I love how you described everything so differently than everyone else would have.

"I love the way your lips
shape your elegant words;
The way your eyes
dress your mysterious past."

That's my favorite. Keep it up.
:]

-Ellie

'Ello!

I'd just like to say that your descriptions and everything were awesome! IMAGERY! I loved it!