Senseless Love

Thanks for just quoting a chunk of the poem...?

Locked as this is a September topic. Old aged stuff, guys.

I feel it fly and fall about me,
But is it really what I see?
To me, it is not.
But to them, to thee?

This is a poem that makes little sense,
Like love itself in a sense,
So grasp of what you can
Understand for you may need
What you so-truly understand.

In the world of love a heart
Is like a bullet of mystery,
Ponder a moment and it’ll go,
Don’t ponder at all and
You’ll miss the show.

I understand that this is senseless,
A rant, a deception, nonsense.
But is this not a description of
What love is and a poem is not,
I don’t ask you to understand;
Merely to grasp what you do
So-truly understand…

I think your poem here is very well written. For this being an early work as you dont write poetry, Id say you did acceptionally well. I dont think you overused sense, as you used the word in a different way in lines five and six. Also since that is the name of the piece, it is expected to be in the writing so seeing it in there in the different ways just fit. The only thing I would work on is matching your stanza form. Whether it be four or five, the poem would read cleaner and smoother if they matched but other than that, great job!

haha (: thanks for the feedback and flash from the past lol.

I thought this poem was great actually. I loved how you explained the confusion and chaos that's sort of involved in love, and how it sort of loses meaning. Another thing is that it broke away from the typical love poem. It doesn't follow the lines of cliche romance junk and was really unique. That's hard to do, so congrats.

Thankyou for you comment iateyourdogx67!
I'm always looking to improve

Ben!

Hi ben
I really like this, and for not writing poetry a lot, this is very good
To me, it seemed like this line didnt really fit in with the rest of the poem.
"the world of love a heart Is like a bullet of mystery"

Overall, it was very good, i loved it.
Keep writing

Thanks for the positive feedback and welcome to YWS!

wow, your poem summerizes a massive swelling of emotion I had for a girl awhile back. It made me sit down and remember all those hours where I sat at my desk trying to put those feelings down to pen. Im not big on poetry, but I really like what you did here and hope you can create more that I like!

Haha thankyou Juni!

I'll take in all your reviews if I ever decide to have a crack at poetry again!

Little secret to this poem: It was more of couple of minutes writing some rhytmic vomit than a two hour sit down thinking up a poem, but I wanted my first effort to seem as if I hadn't rushed it to see what you truly thought!

Anyway, thankyou EVERYONE!

Ben.

Hullo, Ben! June here!

Now, I know this is not what I'm supposed to be reviewing, but I want to get all of my poetry reviews out of the way so that I can focus on fiction later on. Since some things have been covered, I'll just blip and say:


- Rhyme

More a crutch here than a device that pulls you forward, dear. While I like the scheme, it's not even, and while the rhyme is perfect in some places, it detracts from the clarity of meaning, so I would say to go easy on it, make it subtle, less perfect and such forth, and probably work on your meter a little more, okie? See, read this aloud, and if you have to say some words slower/ read some super fast, you've got some ironing to do, dear.

- Repetition

In the second stanza you repeat sense, and I don't necessarily enjoy it. Repetition is a poetic device that can work in some places, but here, I think you need to improve this and get rid of it. Also, this aforementioned stanza would work better as an intro rather than a stanza in the middle.


- Message

I think it's okay. It was overshadowed; rhyme and structure took the greater lead, dear, and you want to be very careful about how you write your stuff, because the message is hidden in the snowdrift, you know? It's fairly decent, but it needs its share of tweaking.

Hope that helps,
June

Thanks for the review Kat

Hi Ben! Sorry for the delay. Dinner and... hum... life got in the way >.<

As you mentioned in the poem, there are some parts that don't, in fact, make sense, when put together with the rest of the poem as a whole. If you keep throwing in these distractions about, the reader won't be able to focus. I do see, that in the end you managed to make it all fit together, and for me, that's on heck of an ending In the end, I really enjoyed this poem, it's simplicity, particularly to how simple the voice of the poem sounds. It's sounds very realistic, like the poem is actually the thoughts of someone that is in love or whatever. So, good job!

Side note: as Hope, the repetition of sense in the second stanza doesn't sound too well, while the repetition of the last line somewhere above, does sound good.

In the end, I really liked it! Thanks for posting!
- Kat

Thankyou for your review!

Hi, I'm Grin, I believe we've met

Okay, I liked this. It is very confusing, but that's what love is like, right? All over the place.

This is a poem that makes little sense,
Like love itself in a sense,

...

Thanks for the reviews.

Hey Ben, quick tip. While I was reading this, I noticed you used the word "Sense" or various forms of the word. That kind of threw me off the poem, so you might want to do something about those. Sorry this is so short, but it's 5am and I haven't slept.

Keep writing!

BenFranks wrote:
Senseless Love.

I feel it fly and fall about me,
But is it really what I see?
To me, it is not.
But to them, to thee?

This is a poem that makes little sense,
Like love itself in a sense,
So grasp of what you can
Understand for you may need
What you so-truly understand.

In the world of love a heart
Is like a bullet of mystery,
Ponder a moment and it’ll go,
Don’t ponder at all and
You’ll miss the show.

I understand that this is senseless,
A rant, a deception, nonsense.
But is this not a description of
What love is and a poem is not,
I don’t ask you to understand;
Merely to grasp what you do
So-truly understand…