BREAKFAST
I came down for breakie
one mornin' in May,
and to my surprise
I saw m'kids were out to play.
There was Sally with her spade
and li'l Mickey with 'is teddy!
Oh how I love m'toast
in May, June or July.
Although I do wonder why
I prefer jam and marmalade in
September and December.
Why 'o why Mr. Cornflakes?
Why 'o why?
Cornflakes never told me why,
but 'least m'kids are out to play.
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140,085 Literary Works • 672,996 Reviews
Well I'm going against the flow and saying that I didn't like it. Firstly I'm not sure about the voice of the poem, knowing you personally I don't think it really fits with you, sounds a bit too 'Dog and Bone,' 'apples and pears' Mockney for my liking. Also (in my opinion) poetry is about communicating something about yourself to the reader, (the old cliche rings of 'Write what you know' rings true) so you shouldn't really be writing from a parents perspective. Oh, and the repitition of 'what' doesn't flow right, but that's been mentioned already.
Next time, try to write something that you know about personally. (And yes that is rather stupid from someone who writes a lot of Sci-Fi and Fantasy)
Ah you see, that's more my column writing.
When I write poetry I like to make it a "fun-read" rather than a "meaningful heart wrencher" if you get what I mean?
Ben
It was a cute little poem but thats really all i saw it as. I really have no nitpicks, the grammar was good along with the flow. I just felt that i really didn't get anything from it. It was very simple and i honestly felt like there is no emotion in it. Try writing with an emotion in mind or a feeling, write about something that inspirers you. I only say that because i know you said that writing is not your think so that is a little advice that i hope will make writing easier. =)
Anyone else have any thoughts?
I'm very experimental with poetry since it's not exactly "My thing". Infact I do my best to avoid writing it (as much as I love reviewing and reading it as some of you may've noticed XD).
Anyway, ALL THOUGHTS WELCOME!
Ben
Thankyou for the positive feedback!
Aw, that was adorable. I wish everything was all cheery like that! You have some great talent for writing poems, keep up the good work! My only nitpick is the same as everyone else: you use 'why' too much. But other than that, great job, and keep writing awesome stuff like this.
--Dreamy
Thankyou!
This poem is so cute! It flows perfectly. I like how it concentrates on both breakfast and the kids. Great job!
Aw, thanks alot guys! I thought it was another disaster
I'll try and revise then edit the use of 'why' but I'm glad you liked it! XD
Ben.
Hey, there, Ben. Nice poem you've created here. I really like it. Thumbs up!
So maybe fix that.
Like Classy, I think you overuse 'why' just a tad. It throws the poem off a little.
Anyways, this is really good. I hope to see more of your work in the future.
Tata!
-Miss Mizz
Haha, this is so cute!
The only nit-pick I have is that towards the end, you use 'why' way too much. It throws off the flow, made me go back and read it over because I was like "what sounds wrong with this?"
Other than that, the flow of this is sweet, short and simple. I love it!
*likes*
Classy
Why thankyou for the positive feedback Matt!
Ben.
A good poem. Descriptive with good vocab but not too complicated. I like that. I think you've done a pretty good job and it flows perfectly. I like the subject and how the poem seems to have a voice of its own.